Withdraw without med. help?

[OnetiredMom]

I have been on again off again on lortab and xanax for I'd have to say 4 years. Well, it actually started with darvocet. It helped the pain that I have have for years in my back and it also made me feel like super woman! Mom, Wife, friend, sister, daughter.....U get the point.Well, then I was turned on to Lortab. By the doctor because suddenly I guess they figured darvocet wasn't strong enough. I did not know what road I was going down. I never would have thought! See, my family has (mom's side) alcoholism) and Dad's side was addicts of meds and alcohol. So I should have been on my guard I guess but I never thought I would. Back last year, at this time I was weaning myself off of somas, xanax's and lortabs. I went 2 months with out. I do not know what made me take that first pill afterwards. I thought I'd just take it for my pain and be done but then I was hooked once again.I tried Methodone and had a horrible reaction. I ended up in the hospital from dehydration within a week. All the while the "counselors" were saying it wasn't the methadone. So...I went 2 weeks without anything. NO methadone no pills. Nothing. But I needed to feel that super feeling I guess. That is my only excuse. I was worn down and thought I'd be OK. I did go back to the methadone clinic again thinking maybe it wasn't the methadone. (knowing all the time it was....) I was desperate. So, here I am. I do not go to see my family. I stay home and hope I don't run out of my meds. I start panicking if I get low. I take somas if I don't have xanax and Percocet if I don't have lortab.... I am tired of it. I have no insurance. I do not want my kids to see me go through the w/d but I am so tired of it all! I hate the pills!!!My Grandmother, whom I just saw Christmas I had not seen since Feb. and it is out of shame. I told my family last year about my addictions but to let them down again, I just don't think I can stand that. I've always been good at that. U know, preg as a teen, quit school, drank from the time I was 13 till I did get preg at 17. So I  just can't stand the thought of letting them down again. Grandmother cried because many of us won't come see her. I used to every week until the Pills..I don't even know my question really. I just know I am scared to death of the w/d. I hate the way the pills make me feel. I will not let myself take more than 3 a day if I can help it. Which is pretty weak. I mean, there r days where I take more but on a strong day, no more than 3. I have gotten down to 1 xanax or 2 a day. Depends on my panic attacks. I take something to sleep. That is a giving. I can not sleep without something. Lortab is like an upper to me so that won't work. I take on as soon as I get up. I know last week, one say I took maybe 7 tabs in a  day and then I was without for a day til the  evening. I am scared to death of dying and leaving my children with no mom.. I guess My question is, how safe is it, since I do not have insurance to detox at home. Also, I seem to have got it in my head or else it is true, I can not function without them. So doctors apt. and dentist apt. etc for the children, I have got to know I am set for the day. Even though you know, they pills really make me feel like ****. That is why last week I took more. I guess I thought I'd feel better but it wasn't true. I felt worse. I don't want my kids to see this. The oldest knows I take xanax. She calls them my happy pills but they do not make me so happy anymore.

[uvlvrebel]

i agree w/ Mary...

How much are u taking NOW?  Strength?  + how many Xannys? r u still doin' the soma too?  these were all my DOC.. and today I am 35 days clean after taking since 2002.  Hubby and I detoxed together...  I took 3-4 lortabs + 1-2 somas + 1-2 xanax every 3-4 hours (smetimes more b/c I would forget that I took a dose + take again only to discover I felt "too good").  It's been a tough road, but I'm sure glad I took it.  My hubby was supportative, but as far as the house and kids went; well, we were both useless.  I'm happy to begin the new year sober from the pills and am feeling my old "strength" returnig.  I have all my old energy... just a few things to work on still; but, that I expect.  Afterall, a 4+ year addiction is not going to magically reverse in a month (at least net for me).  I really think the xanax has increased my w/d time and hampered my own recovery.  I stopped ALL c/t.  I never thought the xanax plaed a part until I started to w/d.  good luck, happy new year. I hope you find the willpower to stop._Rebel

[allaboutmary]

Sounds like it's time to get off those pills.  Make a plan. Anyone to help while you detox ?  Withdrawal won't kill you but it's no fun. You will feel like you have a terrible flu. It's a long hard road, but it is doable. Keep reading and posting. There are so many wonderful people here to help you get through this.  Coming to this forum is the first step in the right direction.  Mary

[1eagle]

Mom - I gotta tell ya what I feel. I love your attitude, but from the way that you present it, I think you need to look at the chance that a withdrawal issue may be lurking in the background from long term but steady (or chronic) use of even medicinal doses of those pills. Be really honest with yourself about this stuff......taking the dose like you describe could just be working an older addiction like a yo-yo! Good luck to you. Maybe I just got confused!!!

[octobermoon]

my mom told me once....be careful....cuz ' as ye speak so shall ya be'   your word is your wand :) you're ok tired mom and you'll just get better and better ...you'll do what you need to do :)

[OnetiredMom]

Congrats Rebel on your sobriety! It is so wild how I read what you write and it's almost me.... Probably one and the same. I really loose count as u can tell. I try to not go over 4 or 5 Lortabs a day. The rest is just when I take them. I really don't know. :-( It seems like I don't even eat food anymore. That I think would be a great start.

[OnetiredMom]

Thank you for your replies... I was horribly sick yesterday..(Stomach flu I guess caught from the kids and now today starting the New Year with another cold) My immune system is shot. I really blame it on all the pills..May or may not be. But just that I am so tired all the time and when I started I was super mom and took xanax's from the doc. to sleep. Then he stopped giving them to me. I would like to say I am down to 1 a day. 5 mil. but yesterday, due to my nausea and crummy feelings I took 5 by this morning to try to sleep. I still did not sleep very long. I had really gotten where I thought I was not taking very many but then the "forget" thing kicked in. So, In 3 to 4 days I'd be out 20 or if I did not have that many I'd just take what I had. I had 14 yesterday. Now,8. So I did horrible. I find myself with this horrible nausea and anxiety I just can't seem to help myself. I had a counselor tell me once I may just have to be on them. I don't know.As far as the painkillers.. I know I can do without those. It's just starting over. I take probably at the max, 4 a day. Some days more but I try to limit them. Yesterday I took only one. Then I was sick the rest of the day. So, I just can't seem to get it together on tapering down on them. Now, I was nearly off the somas. I only took those when I could not find xanaxs to sleep. So I am really very good at swapping one for another. This morning I took one pain pill, and then some dayquil a little later. Then 2 somas. (for the stiffness in my neck and back) I thought. Always good at coming up with excuses. Something made me sick though.I am so tired of all of it really. I believe I can stop. It is just a  matter of doing it. I have done it before. I will say with each time I have stopped it has gotten alot harder each time. So, if you do stop. Please, please, please, don't ever start back. If u can go even a  week then that is a big step. I was so proud of myself. I too, had my energy back. I did not have to worry about how I was going to get another pill. I knew I would be able to carry my children out and not worry if I would feel like it or not. I am so sick of this whole life. My husband is behind me whatever I do. He worries about me. I have chronic pain and they just did an MRI the 23rd of Dec. on my neck. I have numbness and pain and some days it just gets me down very badly so he always says when they figure otu what is wrong then maybe u won't need the meds. anymore. Just hang in there! But I don't think the meds. help until u take so may u just go to sleep. That is not a life 4 my family. That is one other reason if i am not around much. I had a slipped disk a few years ago (fell playing ball with the kids)and also was hit by a car so they r thinking it may have been from one of those incidents.Which they wouldn't know when really. They didn't really do alot then and the insurance company from the man who hit me was in such a hurry to get that all cleared up I was ignorant and just signed off on the wreck before really knowing my options. Anyway, Thank you all again. I will keep up with you all and I thank you so very much for your help and kindness. My husband says I don't really have a big problem. My normal intake would be not more than 5 pain pills a day. Maybe only 2 to 3. 2 or 3 xanaxs. 2 to 4 somas if I have them. I don't take handfuls as he says. BUt I am just in this what I say routine. I can't get up without something. Can't sleep without something. And can't handle stress of any kind with this panic over taking me to where I just need to cry and throw up. My heart races and my head hurts. I am then in thsi total fear of having a stroke. (u know u hear that all the time about xanax withdraw) I am just so controlled by them. I have a  constant supply going through my system. Anyway, I will go. I hope that did not all confuse anyone. I am pretty good at rambling. The long story instead of the short....

[OnetiredMom]

Since I went to the doc. (i wrote a blog about it) and he gave me tabs now I am in such turmoil.. What to do?  I live this painful trap that now they say is muscle spasms and pulled muscles which there's not much they can do but medicate. Flexeril and pain meds.  Really, they don't help. They pain meds just help me out of bed. The flex. does nothin but leave a horrible taste in my mouth. He told me to take 2 since they r such low dose. Grr  Now, I slept til 2 today. Don't know if it was the meds. I don't sleep that late. I know alot of times I just would rather stay in bed because once I am up, I am in this battle with myself. Take the meds, don't take the meds. My lymph node on the left should is swollen and the pain I have radiates to my chest where then he did an exam and found numerous cyst so I had to go 4 an ultrasound on both breast. I'm sure it is not anything but it has my nerves shot.   I asked him was I just supposed to live with this pain. He said alot of it is probably due to stress. Rid the stress and maybe it'll help.  haha  Life is stressful these days. So, I can't get rid of it that easy. My husband wants the best for me but he worries so much about me and my pain. The doc. said to rest and not over do anything. NO lifting and what not. OMG  I am a mom. That's impossible.  Which my hubby stays on me about everything. Don't do this. Don't do that. I can not expect my kids and him to do it all. I come so close some times to ridding my addiction to xanax and then there are days where I have such a bad day I take more and more till I am back to starting all over. The somas, I think I have kicked that. :-)  Yeah... 1 down  2 to go.  Somas really r the only actual thing that helps my pain but I wanna be free of it all. Well,  again, thank you all for your support and if you need to talk I'm here. I'm not only here for me but for you all 2. Just to be able to talk to others helps so much. Others that know how we feel. You r all wonderful! Hugs!!  ~Beth~

[Jayme28]

MyName Is Jamie and I noooooooooo HOW TIRED U R. However I just statred subexon detox after 4 years of OC and X and Tabs. I can give u some GODLY and LOVE advise if you want on how to get your FREEEEEEE HEALING ? I will even give u my cell # and we can talk on the phone if you really want HELP and FREEDOME...

[shelby74]

Your story is exactly like mine, although I have been an addicted for about 11 years.  I am also addicted to hydro's, soma and xanax.  I have horrible panic attacks when I am driving.  I am clean of the hydro's but still taking the others.  I am going into therapy next week for the panic attacks and to talk about my other problems, try to get to the root of my addiction.  My doc also put me on Cymbalta for depression and anxiety.  I was taking prozac but only after a couple of weeks on Cymbalta I noticed a marked difference in how happy I am.  Even though I am only two weeks clean from Hydro's, I am actually starting to feel happy again.  I did not realize how depressed I truly was.  I am sure that one of the reasons I was abusing the hydro's was because I was self medicating.  I felt happy taking them but I never truly was happy.  I was just masking the symptoms of my depression.  I cannot tell you what a relief it is to not have to worry about taking the hydro's.  Checking, counting how many I have.  It is such a waste of time and now I do not know what to do with myself.  There is so much free time, I do try to keep busy though and that has helped a lot.  My next task will be getting off of the Soma.  I am going to start that in a couple weeks.  I am taking vitamins and eating a lot healthier too.  I am sure that has helped my recovery.  I do have a stepson, since he was 4 I have been his mom.  I look back on how absent I have been in his life and it is heart-breaking.  I have a lot of stuff to fix but I am going to concentrate on getting through the w/d's and talking to my therapist.  I am taking this one step at a time, this time around.  This is the first time I have gotten outside help.  One thing I learned is you cannot do it on your own.  I know I am completely helpless against my addiction, I am going to get the tools though to fight it.  Sorry I went on so long, but tired mom, 3-4 pills a day always increases.  I was up to 15 at one time.  You need to stop this now and your hubby (as sweet as he is), is wrong.  Adventually, you will be taking handfuls.  Please stop this now.  Do not lose anymore of your life to addiction.  My entire 20's was all about taking pills, that's it.  Such a waste.  Get your life back now or before you know it 10 years will pass.  I wish you all the best.  I really know how hard this can be.  Coming here was a great first step.

hugs,

shel

[OnetiredMom]

I love this board and I believe it was God sent to me! Thank you all. I look forward to making friends and talking to people who "get" it.  Thak u and hugs!!!

[OnetiredMom]

I have heard so many times, even from the med. advice of the dangers. And I believe it. You did great stopping with the news of the baby. That is what I wish at times. I could get that news then I think I could quit. I think...But I had my tubes tied, burnt and cut as the doc. said..lol My nerves have always, since childhood been a mess. The counselor told me to go like take the whole ones for a week.. then, half,  then forth them. Well,  it is hard to cut a  football shape in a forth. I was down to 1 a day which was awesome. But now it's like 3 a day which isn't bad as it used to be. But It grows. Everyone knows that after a while it goes up. So you still battle it?   Have you had any fall backs?   I know when I quit all together. (I did wean that time)  I had horrible anxiety so I started taking one a day and it grew.....  :-(  It's just that when I don't take them  can not even breathe.  I have these episodes of throwing up from hyperventilating. I just feel more human.   Is it so wrong??  Well, yes, while  i get them from other people than a doc. and plus they r so dang addictive. Also, I do NOT want to live out of a  bottle. I used to never even take Tylenol that much till I was married and things went down. It was like it made me better. Which it did not.   I thank you all again. I am so happy to have found you all. I feel like I have found a great bunch of friends. To face it. most of my friends are in the same boat as I.  I found out my best friend who I have not spoken with has been 2 weeks clean. I am so proud of her. I begged her not to go back. She is 6 years younger than I am. I told her I didn't want to see her end up like me. Which mostly isn't really that bad. The pills are the worst of me. I love you all and I know, I barely know you but I know you all can help and if you need to talk to me, I will. I mean, there is more to me than just a big pill head. I am a Mom, wife, sister, daughter, and I am a woman. I have either been through it or know someone who has so anything,   you write me. I will be here 4 you.   Love ya!!

[wannawean]

Hi there
I usually am on the other forum more so than this one. I stopped xanax c/t when I was preg. a few yrs ago. I don't think that's a good idea.As much as opiod w/d makes you feel like chit it won't kill ya c/t off alcohol is risky I'm thinkin benzo's like xanax are risky too... can you wean down? Taper? I'm still spinning my wheels battling this addiction, but have found much support and comfort in these forums! Good Luck to ya.

[OnetiredMom]

You all are so wonderful and God sent.... I feel so guilty though. I think I could beat the Lortabs. It is the xanax I am having a  horrible time with. Yesterday, OMG, By 2 p.m. I was nearly crazy. I found some and then felt human. Then felt guilty. WHy does it take pills to make me feel human?? I used to be ok. I would have never taken anything. I just don't get it. You all r so beautiful. I am so very happy to have found people who do not judge me and that are so nice.  I love you all