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Avatar universal

husband in dog house...BIG TIME

Ok, so I tend to pride myself on being one of those wives who doesn't bit*h much, is very loyal, and I do whatever I can to make my husbands life easier. We've always had an unspoken trust that what we say to each other will stay between us.
Well, my husbands ex wife dropped his daughter off today and Jay wasn't home from work yet. We started chatting ( we get along now, and can be around each other without an issue, but I wouldn't call us "friends"). She was asking me about my kidney stones, and said " I heard those are really painful. Jay said that it's great that you got through it without painkillers, because he doesn't want you to get addicted again"  UUUMMMMMMM, she WAS NOT supposed to know that I was ever addicted in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF??? WHY is he talking to her about such personal things, and not only my addiction, but about how he "doesn't want me to get addicted again"???? I understand the need for them to communicate about their daughter, but to me, it is INAPPROPRIATE for them to be discussing such personal matters. Not to mention that should she decide to be a you-know-what and go to the court and tell them this to get more custody of daughter, this could be held against us!!
I cannot believe, that of all people, my husband tells HER all that??????????????? Jay isn't home yet, but when he gets home, he's gonna get an earful. I AM BULLSH*T. That means that he's been having personal, "heart to heart" talks with her, and I am so hurt. I didn't want her to know it was a big deal that she knew, because she's the type to cause trouble and get a reaction out of me, and I am SURE that Jay told her not to tell me she knew, so I know she wants to cause trouble, but I couldn't let her know I was mad so I couldn't ask her how long shes know and what exactly he's said.
Can SOMEONE PLEASE tell me if I'm being irrational?? I can handle constructive criticism, and if you guys are my real friends, PLEASE tell me if I don't have a reason to be pissed, because I need to hear that if it's true.
I feel so betrayed, and the thought of them having these little freaking "heart to hearts" makes me MAD. I am one of the most sincere, caring people you will ever meet, and I'm sorry if that sounds conceited, but it's true. I TRULY care about others, esp my friends, and when I give my word, I mean it! In the beginning of our marriage, we made a pact that whatever we went through, it stays between us. We shouldn't have to specify every freakin time we go through something that " now don't say anything to anyone"!!!
Even my friends on this forum who I've gotten close to and email with, they confide in me about personal information, whether it's where they live, where they work, what their personal relationships are like, etc and even they know that it's an unspoken rule that WE DO NOT REPEAT PERSONAL THINGS to ANYONE!!! Yes, we all still remind each other to please not say anything to anyone, but we have that TRUST. SOMEONE, respond to me, please.
16 Responses
Avatar universal
Trust is just so important to me. It's like the time Tim confided in me that he wears coral lipstick and dresses up in his wifes underwear when she isn't home...I mean, he trusts me enough to tell me such things!!! Ooops...sorry Tim...uh oh, I let that one slip...LOL, sorry, but needed a little humor to calm myself down!
Avatar universal
I'm sure you will get a lot of responces because we all love you. I don't think you are concieted either. I'd be pieed also if he was having these heart to heart talks. And he is getting to personal with her. He has no reason to bring you up. I'd wonder what else  he's been saying. And I would ask. I'd be very careful how I speak with him about it. You don't want to come of like an insecure. jealous raging lunatic.Which I'm sure you won't. Think about the questions you want to ask him, and go easy on him,he sounds like a good guy. Just get your questions answered, and if you need to set up some new rules, or boundaries as to where you are concerned when speaking with his ex wife, and get on with your evening. Enjoy your evening, likes to short to be fighting. Don't let the ex spoil anything. They hve a way of doing this..............of we let them. Don't let spoil yours. Anyways your better than her. She is probably trying to stir up things.
225213 tn?1213738290
I would be very hurt too.  And you are right, in my opinion, your hubby had no business telling your personal stuff to anyone, especially the ex.    Your feelings are completely valid.

Can I suggest that you write out what you want to say before talking to him?  Even reading it too him?   Tell him using the good ol' "I" message communication technique ------"When you told her this, it made me feel like____________________".      

I just hate for you to talk to him about it when you are still so upset.    You should be able to trust him and maybe he needs to be reminded of what trust means when it comes to persoal information.  Your feelings are not irrational but im afraid that if you talk to him while you are very upset, your reaction could become destructive which in turn may make him become defensive and end up in a huge fight.  

Perhaps tell him that you are very upset that he talked to her but you want more time to process it and figure out how you want to go about discussing it.  

Just a suggestion.   I am a 3-time-strike out in relationships and really enjoy being a single woman so I may not be the best to ask but I have learned a few things about what not to do in relationships.

Love ya hun and am so sorry that you have been hurt this way.   I am sure that he just didnt think before he opened his mouth because your hubby loves you and did'nt want to intentionally hurt you.

hugs
tzt
Avatar universal
Ok, let's think this through.  Maybe, just maybe, it was an innocent conversation that started with him being concerned about you having the stones and all that you have gone through.  This personal information might have just slipped out in a conversation about his concern and that led to him making the statement about how proud he was that you did it without the pills.

Whatever you do, don't go on the attack as you might regret it later.  Was he wrong?  If he did it intentionally, betraying your confidence, he definitely was.  But maybe it didn't happen that way.  I have found that the best way for me to solve a problem, or a misunderstanding, is by listening.

Peace,
Holly
Avatar universal
Thanks, guys, for all your comments. You are all right, and I am so mad right now, and hurt, that I probably WOULD end up sounding like a raving psycho lunatic, which really isn't like me, except for once when he turned on ESPN in my birthing room as I was in labor, PRE EPIDURAL, lol!! We've always been the couple who talks things through, rather than fight...we always try to communicate, and even though we are young, I condidered our marriage to be as good as marriages get, for the most part. Neither of us are really jealous, so I hate feeling this way!!
TZT, I am leaving the forum for a few to do exactly as you suggested...to write down questions/thoughts so I have a guidline when I talk to him so I don't turn into a blubbering lunatic! Although I would be bothered by him telling anyone this, it especially hurts that it was his ex wife! Its almost more hurtful that he was "confiding" in her, and not neccessarily WHAT he was confiding in her.
Holly, you're right...I could be jumping to conclusions and maybe it WAS an innocent slip in an innocent conversation. I'm still hurt that he was even talking about me to her, but I know you're right.
Avatar universal
You have every right to be pissed... that is very, very personaly and very innapropriate of him to tell her.

I do know my ex-h and I have nice talks now, and it is no threat to his new wife, but to tell her about the addiction is just plain wrong.

I would suggest you approach it calmly though.. that's the best chance of getting an honest answer (you know how men are.. when we "freak out," they shut down.)

So I would calmly, yet firmly, tell him how upset and disappointed you are, and how betrayed you feel, and ask him why he told her.  It IS wrong.

Pleas keep us posted honey... I am so, so sorry... :-(

-mj
Avatar universal
Just started talking with hubby, and in the middle of it, he had to answer a call and leave ( he's on call for work). The whole, like, 30 seconds of it went like this " Babe, I need to talk to you and I'm really upset right now, and offended, but I'll try to stay calm because I want to give you the benefit of the doubt". Jay said " Ok, shoot". I said " She ( don't feel right including her name) mentioned when dropping "A" off that you had told her it was great that I got through the stones without painkillers because you didn't want me to get addicted again"...his face got angry ( not at me) and all he could say was " Em, she's just trying to cause trouble. She told me last week that she made a mistake leaving me, and that she thinks we should "explore our options" "....LIKE THATS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER???
A. SHE NOW WANTS HIM BACK AFTER ME BEING WITH HIM FOR 8 YEARS
B. HE CONFIDED IN HER ABOUT SOMETHING SO PERSONAL AND GETS ANGRY AT HER FOR SAYING SOMETHING, INSTEAD OF ANGRY AT HIMSELF
C. HE IS APPARENTLY HAVING MORE THAN ONE PERSONAL CONVERSATION WITH HER IF SHE HAD THE TIME TO TELL HIM SOMETHING SO INTIMATE SUCH AS WANTING TO BE BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM
I trust him completely that he won't cheat, and that he won't get back together with her, thats not the problem...but now I'm worried that she is going to cause major trouble if she is going to really try to get him back...i can only imagine the different types of trouble she could stir up...telling people the painkiller situation, making up lies to get us to fight, etc. Jay had no time to expalin WHY and HOW the painpill situation came up with her, because he was trying to ignore the pages on his pager for the time being, but his boss called the house and said it was an emergency...hes an electrician, and one of their customers was having sparks shooting out of something. Great. Now I have to wait till he comes home to talk to him. Just great.
It's rather unsettling, though, that he would immediately get mad at HER for saying something to ME, like he cares so much about her breaking his trust by telling me, but doesn't care about breaking MY trust...why wouldn't he have just said " Oh, Em, this is what happened..." Oh, boy...sigh...
Avatar universal
Avatar universal
when is he coming back?  i think you need to take a deep breath, be as clam as you can, but also be very, very clear about your feelings and questions.  and he needs to give you the respect - and the time - to explain it all.

say to him - ask him - everything you have posted here.  you have every right to ask, and you have every right to your feelings about this.

be honest and clear, but also firm, and listen to what he has to say.  then you can decide what to do next...

the good news is you stated how much trust you have in him.  this is good!  but i would suggest you do not back down either - he owes you an explanation... and who knows, it could turn out perfectly fine.

i hope it turns out well, sweety...

keep us posted... we are here.

xo
mj
Avatar universal
Thank you soooo much for your support! You are right in everythinhg you say...I actually remained calm, although he knew I was irritated. And you're right...I am owed an explanation. To me, there isn't much thats more sacred than marriage vows, and thats only my opinion, but to me, when we said to HONOR each other, that included honoring each others privacy!! I know, it could have been a slip up, but still! It's not like he slipped about me, say, passing gas in public or something, LOL!!! He slipped about a secret that is SERIOUS!!
Avatar universal
I cannot think of one good excuse your hubby could have had for disclosing this very private matter with his ex.  I just hope you are able to make him see the error of his ways.  As far as her telling him that she wanted him back, maybe you should accompany him when he has to go pick his daughter up or drop her off.  I definitely think you are entitled for an explanation.  I sure he will be very sorry and probably did not realize what he was doing - you know he is a MAN.  They do not think like we do.  Hope you both got it settled and were able to have a restful night's sleep!  Thanks again for your sweet note concerning my daughter, Emily, I so appreciate it.

Love, Cindy
Avatar universal
Of all people, the one that could use this against you guys the most. A custody battle would be tuff now.
Avatar universal
Hi Guys,
So hubbys only excuse was that he "slipped" awhile ago, but can't "remember" how it came up...and that now she asks questions about it, and he feels that if he answers her and is nice, she'll be less likely to use it against him. I reminded him that this could turn into a problem very fast, as it would be HIM losing HIS daughter in a battle, not ME losing MY daughter. I love the kid but in the end, it's really him that will be affected. I know it probably sounds to you guys that I shouldn't be getting so upset over something like this, but trust with me and Jay is just so important to me, and I told him that he should have TOLD me right after he slipped and told her.
I am really not satisfied with the answers I got, and we were both tired, so tonight after my son goes to bed, I am going to make a nice, quiet candle light dinner so we can sit down and really discuss it.
We HAVE, however, agreed that it will be inappropriate in the future for him to be dropping off and picking up without me there, so now I will be accompanying him whenever he will be seeing her. I SHOULD NOT have to do that! I feel like a psycho wife. But with everything thats happened, it won't hurt to show his ex wife that Jay and I are united, and we'll be coming together to pick up daughter from now on. Jay is worried that this will **** her off, and she'll go to court...well, HIS fault. And I'm not really worried about it, parents are in the legal field around here and the exwife won't have much pull, but I feel like Jay SHOULD be worried for awhile!
Like D30 said, Of ALL people, the one that could use it against us the most!!! WHAT was he thinking??????
221016 tn?1196977061
I don't agree with what your husband revealed to his ex. He broke a confidence and you are very hurt. I believe he did it out of concern for you and although it was wrong, don't let this put a wedge between you. IMHO, the ex told you that to start trouble. I believe your husband and he just let it slip. When you love someone (as he loves you) it is easy to let something slip. He was so worried about you the other night and it was on his mind. I would have a heart to heart with him (calm and loving) and ask him to keep your business personal. Do I sound like "Dear Abby." lol  

I hope you are doing well today sweet sis.

Love to ya,
Tim

(((((((((((((((((((((((lil sis)))))))))))))
Avatar universal
I’m glad you got to talk to him, and I don’t blame you – I wouldn’t have been satisfied, either.  At first I was fuming when I read your email.  But then I took the advice of the others and sat back and tried to think about it calmly (which is never easy for me – I’m one with a temper!).  So I thought maybe he was actually proud of you and bragging like “hey, I can’t believe Emily is dealing with a kidney stones with NO pain medication!”.  Seeing my husband going through it now I definitely understand how amazing (and very difficult) that is.  On the other hand, he didn’t even need to tell her about the kidney stones in the first place.  But like Tim said, he was probably very concerned so it was on his mind.  

I would still be very upset because he revealed something so very private.  My own family (parents, brother, inlaws, etc) doesn’t even know everything I’m going through, let alone someone outside.  But I wanted to bring up one more thing.  I’m not trying to tell you what you need to do or say, but it is something that upset me when I read it.  When you confronted him, he told you she was trying to start trouble and that she told him last week that she wanted him back, etc.  I believe he should have told you about that as soon as it happened.  I don’t think he should have kept something like that from you.  I know you have a solid marriage, and by just reading what you wrote I strongly believe that he would never do anything to jeopardize that, but it doesn’t change the fact that he should have made you aware.  If you never confronted him about what his ex said, would he ever have told you about her wanting him back?

I hope you guys get a chance to talk soon and work it out.  I’m sorry you are going through this, you are a wonderful person and friend to so many of us and I hate seeing my friends hurt.  

PS – if you still don’t get satisfaction from him, tell him you have a 6 ft tall Californian friend with a temper!  LOL
225213 tn?1213738290
Your feelings are perfectly valid and your logic and reasoning are, well, logical and reasonable.   You are right, he shouldn't have told her at all in the first place.    Also, about her wanting him back, he needs to firmly let her know that he is a happily married man and for her to not forget that.  There is a reason he is NOT with her and IS with you.  

I don't know if this is doable but ideally, the three of you could have a talk.  Topics of discussion could be 1.  Thereis a child involved so the three of you have to interact for the next several years and in the best interest of the child, things need to go as smoothly as possible.
2.  You and your hubby have a strong marriage and one of the reasons it works is because you both value trust.  In the future, anything personal about either of you stays between you two and will not be disclosed to her.
3.  No matter whether she regrets losing him or not, whats done is done.  Her behavior (trying to cause trouble) isn't showing that she would make a better partner for him.
4.  When she does try to start trouble, she is hurting her own child.   A child needs all adults involved to be at least cordial and respectful (at best, friendly) with one another to have a stable environment.   Her (the ex) needs to remember this when she wants to stir things up, its not a very good parenting move (hurt the child, just let me get my way).  

I agree that you shouldn't have to go with him to pick the chld up.  Maybe if you all could have this talk and agree, it wouldn't be necessary.  
If she won't listen or sit down for a talk, again, maybe this could be put into a letter and HE could hand it to her with both yours and his signatures on it.  Keep a copy.

Just my thoughts.    You are right in your thinking and he should be more concerned about breaking your trust than getting caught doing so.    About him telling you that she said she wants him back,.....I don't see how telling you that would have helped anyone.  It would have just upset you maybe.  He probably didn't want to see you upset.    Sounds like he is only telling you now so that your feelings will be deflected from him to her.  

I have a two-dad situation myself and my first ex is like a best friend.  Neither of us are remarried and we do holidays, vacations etc like a family.  My youngest son's dad(2nd ex) asked me not to bring the kids over for Xmas morning the year after we split.  He wanted no contact with me.  Oh, trust me, spending time with him was/is no picnic for me either but it sure would have made it easier on the child.  Kids need stability.  They need to not have to choose one parent over another (steparent or biological).

Sorry to ramble I just know that I spent soooo many years doubting my feelings and thinking I was crazy and now at 46 I look back and I had some pretty reasonable and "right on" thinking back then.  Too bad it was mostly "after the fact" and not during the time I was choosing a mate...lol!!!

luv ya
tzt
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