please read this tragedy has about broke me

[solost170]

It is a fact that through my journey I have had many things thrown in my path and have not broke I have over a 100 days sober and I have stood strong through it all. but I dont know if I can do this one I need help the first time during the 100 days that I wanna be numb make it go away I cant take the pain.

last night my whole world came crashing all around me, a friend came over and said did you hear about the two boys who were hit by the train tonight and killed I said no I hadnt heard anything, he said my neice was engaged to one of the boys I asked who it were they he said patrick taylor and josh he couldnt remember josh last name but he said he worked at the local Iga my heart sank I said please tell me it is not josh jones. He told me his neice name and I looked it up on facebook and there looking back at me was my joshie pic and posted everywhere was the news of his death. josh is my godson I have watched this child grow into a young man every graduation many talks of girls and just life josh and james are my godsons tammy there mom and I have been best friends sense we started at the factory over 16 years ago. I cut the boys hair and well was as they said auntie. my darling josh gone at the age of 20 I dont know how to help his mom with the pain of losing her son. or how to deal with my own josh was a handsome sweet kind and and amazing kid he died trying to save his best friends life.
Last night around nine they were walking along and came to the bridge over looking the train tracks patrick looked over as so many of us have done. but lost his balance and the bridge isnt very safe the railing is flimsy and you could easily fall if not very careful but patrick lost his balance and josh grabed him to try and pull him up and the weight of patrick was to much and josh lost his balance as well and they went over the side and was sucked under the train. my heart is broke such a whole is left its like losing one of my own I considered josh to be one of my kiddos we were tight a family and now my darling boy is gone in a blink of an eye please someone tell me how to do you deal with this kind of pain. I dont know how all I have thought about was finding pills and just forgetting for awhile I know that is not the answer and I'm not gonna do it but I dont know how I'm gonna face this. I just sit and cry this has been more than I can bear the straw that broke the camels back so to speak I'm at my weakest right now I loved that kid I dont understand I just dont. I need help I have to be strong for tammy and james and my own kids cause  we are all so tight. my daughter is a wreck she just crys and asks me why mom I have no answer to give I just hug her. I have to go help tammy with the arrangements god help us through this please pray for the families of these two boys. we are gonna need em RIP my sweet joshie you were took to early from us when you left this earth you took a peice of my heart with you its in heaven. I'm srry I know I'm rambling but I just cant keep a clear thought in my head right now I'm in shock.

[AnnieCat]

I feel so sad for you. Like you needed this! Please hang in there. It sounds like you have the skills to cope but this tragedy is pushing you over. Dont let it, please. I have a feeling your knowledge and wisdom about addiction are meant to continue to help other people....and I, for one, am one of those people.

[Nighthawk61]

Oh my, how awful, the problem lies in the railings i'm afraid, i hope that this will be enough to spend some money on upgrading the railings. I'm so sorry Soloist that you and your daughter are suffering such a great loss.  Sending my prayers for your comfort and peace to be restored.......Please be comforted in the knowledge that they are safe and together as we speak, as best friends should be.

[ChoosingLife]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and this tragedy. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I'm sure that your godson would be sooo proud of you for staying strong and sober through this rough time. Wish you the best!

[Sonrissa]

I'm so very sorry, solost! What a horrible tragedy! You have the right mindset! Pills will not help, nor will they let you escape! You will get through this somehow! Let your feelings out here! Let us embrace you and give you some comfort and strength! Don't try to make any sense or understanding of this, cause there is none! Let yourself feel the grief and let it come out! If you feel like crying, then cry! There is no right or wrong way to grieve and everyone does it differently! Just come here anytime you need to! Lots of shoulders to lean on! You are in my thoughts and prayers! Take care, sweetie!

[vicki595]

This is so tragic and I'm sorry. Please try to be strong for your daughter, who needs you so much now, and for Josh's family... Keep in touch here, as well.

[Pat1956100]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain but I just wanted to let you know, I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers.
Big hugs
Pat

[4slenderthread]

I am so-o incredibly sorry for what you are going through. Just words, I know ... but they are all I have. I will raise up my prayers for all of you. May our heavenly Father and our Savior bless you all and bring you comfort in your pain and loss! It is best not to begin asking the "why's." That will just send yourself in circles ... there is no answer. We must take it on faith that our Lord knows what He is doing and His choices are perfect. The boys have now passed beyond any pain or suffering! They are blessed ... unfortunately those left behind must cope as best they can until time can bring them acceptance and a tolerable peace! Bless you all.

[dominosarah]

I know you are hurting and you will be for some time.  I cant take away your pain but i have strong shoulders for you to cry on~~

[solost170]

I know sarah and I needed to hear you say that and yes josh is worth me keeping a clear head and walking through this sober I know if I broke and used he would be looking down from heaven and be disapointed in me cause he was so proud of how far I had come. so I wont break I'm just hurting so much right now. but I wont break I will stay sober beside I cut all sources and couldnt even if I tried. I'm thourgh with that life and I honor my josh by staying sober and my kids even thou this is tragic and heartbreaking it is life and I cant run to bottle everytime something happens thank you sarah and I promise Ill make it. love ya

[solost170]

thank you both and I know using will not help its just my old way of thinking not wanting to deal with this but I have learned that you have to deal with the pain and no amount of dope is going to make it go away just love and lots of time, I wont use I know me I wont I just I'm hanging on by thread and just need your all encouraging words and prayers. this is a pain that will be with me for a long time. I'm just reaching out for moral support I'm having to be strong right now for those around me cause they need me to be so the only place I can break down is here. so I'm breaking down I just wanna crawl in a whole and cry my eyes out. I lost my mom and that was horrible but this is like losing a child I cant bear to think of him being put in the ground its killing me I just wanna go back in time and run to the bridge and scream boys get away from there come home were it is safe. at least the last thing I said to josh was I'm proud of you kiddo and I love you thank god I always tell my loved ones I love them when they leave the house or hang up the phone always let your loved ones know how much you love them cause just like this they can be gone in a blink of an eye. thank you for your prayers I dont feel like signing off as love and light cause right now its kinda dark and I'm not filled with so much love as more sadness has filled my heart.

[dominosarah]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  This is such a tragedy.  Using is not an option, it wont take your pain away, it will only add to it.  Dealing with your grief is the only way.  I know the pain of losing a loved one and i also know what i did during that time.......my addiction spiraled and it is one of my biggest regrets.  Please honor your loved one and you by walking thru this clean~Lean on us now as we are here for you~

[YesLife4Me]

I am soooo sorry to hear of your tragedy!    I know and completely understand why you want to escape your emotional pain right now.  You've done so well and many people here will help you work through this trying time.  We all know what happens when we use something to take us out of our present mindset.   I sure would hate to see this be your downfall.   I will be praying for you and your friends family.  Such a devastating loss.  I have children 23, 22 and almost 20 myself.  I cannot even imagine such a loss.  Sending you a big embracing hug.  ~D

[Fireby29]

I am so sorry to hear about this.  There is nothing I can say to make it better, just try to remember that using will not make it better either.  If you use it will make you less of a help to friends and family.  Losing loved ones is never easy, my heart goes out to you.  Stay strong, you can do it.

Bryan