*This is long, sorry*
I'm not sure how to put into words exactly what my situation is, so I'm going to ramble for a bit and see what comes out (looking for advice):
I produce kidney-stones and pass them on a regular basis (I have an incurable condition called Cystinuria which causes me to make & pass large kidney-stones). Over the years, I became addicted to the very pain med's that were making my condition somewhat tolerable (Dilaudid & Norco), as passing stones with pain-killers is preferable to without. I voluntarily went into treatment to get off said opiates, and have been clean (I haven't self-medicated/used narcotic pain-med's since just prior to 10/7/09). That being said, I've been to the hospital and had narcotics introduced into my system to aid in the passage of stones since then, but I've had no unsupervised narcotic pain-med use since my sober date (all administration has been by hospital nurses/doctors).
The program tells me to be accountable. The program tells me to change the people, the places, and the things I used to do. The program tells me that in order to not use/abuse, just DON'T DO DRUGS. However, I can't get away from pain-killers (due to my condition), and every time I go to the hospital and they administer narcotic pain-killers (either Dilaudid or Morphine), I feel bad for somewhat enjoying the feeling I get from the med's. That being said, I'm getting the med's for legitimate reasons, as kidney-stones hurt like a Muther-F'er and it would be next to impossible to tolerate the pain without them, but does it make my clean date ‘dirty’? Does the fact that I like the euphoric side-effects of the pain-med's they’re administering, make me less ‘sober’?
I always identify as a 'recovering addict' when I enter an ER, and I try to go to the same ER every single time I go to the hospital (I don't want to appear to be doctor-shopping or seeking). Most of the ER staff (nurses & doctors) know me and my 'recovery situation', and they know to treat me with Toradol initially, but if the pain is too far gone for Toradol to have positive effect, they switch to narcotics. In all honesty, I wish I could never have a kidney-stone ever again, but unfortunately, it’s the hand I’ve been dealt and I can’t get away from it and subsequently, the pain-med's I require to get through it.
Sorry to ramble... I told you up front that I'm having difficulty putting this into words.
So, my sober friends on MH... what are your thoughts?