2 day of quick detox off opiates using suboxone

[letthisbeit]

I am on my second day of my rapid detox.  I was using 160-200mg or more oxy/day.  it wasn't that much up until about a year ago when I had a major surgery.  Then things spiraled out of control.  I am functioning and no one knows I have this problem.  I get scripts and then buy off a "friend" when im out of my script (which is quick).
Anyways.... I managed to get my hands on 9 - 8mg sub pills and I started them yesterday.  My intention is to get off everything as quickly as possible and with as little wd as possible (my life wont allow anything debilitating).

yesterday was not a fantastic day, I think I took my sub too early.  I started with 2mg but didn't really stabilize even after the while was taken (gradually throughout the day, last 2mg taken at 3pm, first 2mg taken at 830am).  I took 25mg of serequel to sleep last night and it worked.  I woke this morning feeling pretty good.  I took 4mg off the hop and feel very well today.  VERY well!!!

My question is, am I on the right track? can I make this happen?  I intend on being clean off of everything by the end of the month (leap year gives me an extra day ;) ) but I will go longer if needed.  Also if this doesn't work I will disclose to my doc and get a long term sub program.  bottom line is im done with opiates one way or another.... but I would really like to avoid telling my doctor what a screw up I am :(.  

can I drop to 2mg tomorrow and see how I feel? maybe I can stabilize on 2?  I took 4 this morning cause yesterday at 8 was not great lol.  

any feedback would be great!! I have been prepping for this for weeks and months reading anything and everything I could find on line... I feel informed, excited and determined! but a little frightened now that im actually doing it....

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl  ... you still with us.............Gnarly...............

[gnarly_1]

Hey you still with us???..............Gnarly................

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl   ... just got off work and was thinking about you  how goes it????  please update us ....we have a lot of regular members who follow these posts  let us know if your ok......and if not let us know that also.............................Gnarly.........................................

[gnarly_1]

well you sound go to go  from here on it is all about attitude a positive attitude makes the difference of being uncomfortable or suffering....suffering is a choice  ...try not to let fear into the equasin it is always worst in our heads then it turns out to be....I have said this a million times but you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile  this should be your mantra for the next few days ...if you believe in God  prayer helps when it 3am and your up alone shaking he is all you got  this helped me beyond measure  keep posting for support im in phoenix az so I check the forum b/4 bed witch is late for most of the country I will check back with you....May God be with you
.......................................Gnarly...............................

[letthisbeit]

Thanks gnarly.  I'm here... heading to bed now... let the chaos begin tomorrow ;)
I hope I'm not up at 3am any night shaking though :( but if I am I will definetly pray.  I believe in God, I believe in people for support and most importantly I believe in myself.  Ill continue taking advice and the support of beautiful strangers (one being from Arizona).
Thank you so much.  Taking the time to send kind words to a stranger who needs them has been my blessing.  

Xox

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl.....well with sub you probably wont start withdrawing for a couple of days it has a long 1/2 life.....the antsyness yawning restless legs the exhaustion the inability to sleep and the general aches and pains are all part of this  ... everybody is different you will get some symptoms and none of the others it is hard to say....there is no way around this you have to go threw it to break free from the narcotics that have been part of your life for a long time  the usual formula we use is your age length of use and at what dose will all factor in just stick with us we can walk you threw the whole process  get rid of the sub and anything else you may have it is critical that you dont have anything in the house most people will go use to try to circumvent the withdrawal process.........Gnarly

[letthisbeit]

Thank you!! That is very helpful.  I think I can handle that.  I've found that the idea of needing something is what has been lingering.  So one day at a time is how I will do this.  I can handle that I think.  I just have to keep in mind it's all temporary (a long process but will improve with time).  Nothing in the house at all.  I'll make sure.  I'll take Tylenol when I feel the need for now.  
Gravol helps me fall asleep but it's not a good sleep.  I feel like I'm just in a light sleep or dozing.  But when I wake up I feel rested tI'll early afternoon.  No energy to clean my house though lol but whatever.  Not the worst thing in the world.  I took a hot bath last night and it definitely helped relax me!!

Thanks so much gnarly.  I'll be sticking around for sure :)
Xo

[letthisbeit]

Thank you gnarly and Ms delight.  Today is Friday.  And Monday is a holiday. Now is a good time to jump.  Can you tell me what to expect? I know everyone is different.  But what do you think is happening in my body and brain right now? Day 10 no oxy or perks but used sub pretty much every day now.  Please give me useful info about how the opiates are leaving or left and what the sub is doing or will do when I jump? I'm a researcher by heart.  I have to analyze to the max before doing anything lol.

Thank you in advance :)

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl  just touching base with you....time to jump...there is no complealty comfortable way to get off narcotics sub or no sub  your just going to have to jump and see what happens the withdrawal will be what it will be  it wont kill you if you jump now the withdrawal will be less then if you keep taking it will be here to support you.....Gnarly

[msdelight]

We are all here holding the net for you! Please jump soon! The less time you spend on subs the better off you will be. Unless you are servicing patients with addictions issues, it is unlikely you will see them at the meeting. Colleagues will not be facilitating unless they are addicts too. Google NA and smart recovery in your area and try again.  Happy day 9.

[letthisbeit]

Felt a little off balance this morning and got worse about an hour later.  I took 2mg at 9am.  That's all I plan on taking today.  I feel ansy I guess.  Nothing major though. The sun is out and it's a beautiful day!!
Day 9 without oxy or perks.  Feels good.  I've never gone a day without and never imagined I could go one day nevermind this long HA!!

It's gonna be a long haul.  One day at a time.  I need to jump soon.  

[letthisbeit]

Good morning!! Day 8!!
Waiting to go to my job interview and I feel good... I haven't taken any sub today... I think I feel better without it (know the half life). Going in clean and petrified to be doing it. Haven't done an interview straight in a very long time and this one has alot on the line.

So I had every intention of hitting up an NA meeting when I was put of town for training for work.  Guess what?!?! the agency hosting the training was the treatment center in that little town of about 1500 people.  Ugh.  The training was literally held in the meeting room at the center.  So that didn't work :(.  I don't think I mentioned it before but I'm a social worker.  Not an addictions therapist but my role is definitely related. Hopefully that helps people understand my need for anonymity and the difficulty of ensuring it.  I truly risk running into clients at meetings and worse colleagues who may facilitate it.  I really feel stuck at this point as far as after care goes.  I know I need it.  I'm truly listening and know first hand it's needed. When I began this journey of healing I hoped I could do it on my own.  Alot of it out of pride but more so because I don't want to risk my livelihood.  I have 2 kids in college milking me dry and a young boy who deserves everything.  I can't afford to lose my job.  I don't live high on the hog.  I'm a single mom (have a partner but we dont live together.

Anyways.... I know everyone will reinforce my need for aftercare and I do agree. I just had to explain and vent a little.  It was discouraging not feeling safe to attend a meeting, even 3 towns away.  

Either way though... day 8!! Hardly any sub yesterday and nothing yet today.  

Wish me luck!

[letthisbeit]

Interview went well I think...
All day, no sub :)
Gonna skip today altogether and hope I can sleep tonight..  if I have a hard time I'll take a gravol....

[Smalltownmom]

hi there! ive been following you and I just wanted to say good luck! I did the suboxone thing as well. I was taking massive amounts of oxycodone and couldn't stop on my own. I got in a sub program and for a year was at 16 mgs then tapered over 9 months to .5 mgs. wd's were awful. Maybe not as bad if I had not tapered but still bad. I'm almost 5 months off and its still lingering but I haven't been this happy in years. I feel great! You can do this! You have your sh1t together and are keeping positive. That's a huge plus! I agree with all the people above. You're on the right track!

[drivenwoman]

I have been on sub for 4 years now. I have attempted many times to come off them. I have went the longest 10 days. I still having mild withdrawls then. The anxiety was so bad, I kept returning to the sub. I haven't taken any sub in almost 48 hours and im determined not to let this medication ruin my life anymore. I was only taken about 2mg a day to keep from being ill. The withdrawls I believe are just as bad as if I was taken 8mg.good luck reaching your sobriety off this addictive medication.

[letthisbeit]

Good morning everyone.. super early right now and don't know if I'll have a chance to update today so I thought I would let everyone know I'm still here and on day 5.  A couple more days and I'm going to jump.  

Leaving town in 30 minutes for work till tomorrow night.  

Still plan on finding a meeting while I'm there!!

Day 6, heRe we go!!

Xoxoxox

[drivenwoman]

I have been taking suboxone for 4 years now. I found that I traded one addiction for another and I think it is harder to get off the suboxone then the prescription medication. I haven't had any sub in almost 48 hours, this isn't the first time I have attempted to stop. I found the clonidine that the ER had given before when I went to help with the withdrawl symptoms. I wouldn't stay on the suboxone long because it is just as addicting and the withdrawl symptoms in my opinion are worse. Good luck with your sobriety.

[VICourageous]

Hi Again!
We see alot of ppl come and go. Some stay clean and others go back out. We can pick up on the ones who REALLY want to do this. Listening, being Teachable, doing your Homework and getting that Support is a BIG Plus. I can tell that YOU really want this and I also like your Screen Name. LET-THIS-BE-IT. YOU will get through the detox and soon you will look back and tell yourself it was not that bad or it was he111, but it was all worth it.

It is working on Recovery that can be a bit hard. This is why we say..One Day at a Time, Just for Today I will NOT use. We can not put the Cart before the Horse. Addicts want it NOW and like Yesterday. It is a long Process and for me it will be for the rest of my Life! We do not know our future. However, I know for me, that talking with others about anything that is on my Mind really helps. Listening to others and their stories help so much. When things get bad in life, we need to reach out and touch someone. There were SO may times that I had some BAD or SAD things happen in my life and moments when my Mind wanted to get something for that Instant Gratification. I picked up the phone and called some clean friends from this site and a few from my meetings. Once you start those meetings you will pick up SO much about this Disease and YOU will never be alone in it. You also can check out the Churches. They have a Celebrate Recovery there in most churches. Also, I really like my AA. Even if I had not drank in over 12-13 yrs, I still pick up so much and those meetings seem to be so Spiritual. YOU are one out of many that I really have some Faith in here. YOU CAN DO IT!!

If you have any questions regarding the site and all the other Communities, feel free to ask..or even if you need help setting your profile up. On the right side of your screen is the Recent Activities. This is where we can see if someone said something in their Journal, Status or put a Picture in. We can Support you in these areas too. It can be alot of Fun around here and you will get to know some of us. Great Group of People with Caring and Sharing Hearts. I would not be this far with out them. Good Luck..
Heading out to Church and then it is Superbowl!!!!
Bless
Vickie

[gnarly_1]

Hi...well your plan seam solid the trick here is to get off it as quickly as you can....your going to feel it.....there is no ''get out of jail free card'' what you have done should lessen the symptoms though...Im happy to here you open to the meetings that is the single best thing you can do for your recovery please let us know how your first meeting goes....I also agree with meg start going now the only requirement is the desire to stop you dont have to be clean...the support will help you...keep posting here for support...YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
..............................................Gnarly................................................

[msdelight]

Start going to the meetings now, you will have a foundation for when you jump. I get it about the job interview, but you must start now. You seem to be thinking a little more clearly. Congratulations on day 5! Proud of you!

[letthisbeit]

I am thinking more clearly for sure lol.
I am going out of town tomorrow for training (for my job) I've been trying to find a meeting in the town I'm going to.  I'd really like to check it out.  Hopefully they have one Mon or Tues.  It's about 1.5 hour drive.  I would drive there a couple times a week to hit a meeting.  Like a friend said previously, I'd drive further and do more to feed my addiction.  I have to feed my sobriety too.

Thanks for the congrats!
I'll keep on keeping on :)

[letthisbeit]

Just waking up for day 5.  I decided not to take anything to help me sleep last night.  I kind of wanted to gauge where I'm at. I woke up a few times but eventually fell back to sleep.  

For those wondering about my sub detox.  I feel good this morning.  No strong wds at all.  I haven't taken anything since the 2 mgs of sub yesterday afternoon.  That's a major drop in days previous.  I'm thinking my opiate wds are winding down (physical).  I'm going to jump soon.  I'm not going to full 25 days or whatever the original plan was.  I don't think it's needed to be honest. Not for the purpose I am using the sub.  So new plan.  Only going to take the sub when and if I feel the wd intensely and I'm going to keep it at 2mg if I need today but lower to 1mg if I need in days to come, and lower by .25 everyday.  I have a job interview for a job promo on Wed morning so I'm not going to disrupt anything too much before then.  After wed though that's it. I'm jumping.  I'll deal with the wd.  I don't think they will be debilitating.  I think I'll be able to work.  I feel really good.  Hopefully it lasts all day.  I'd like to get some laundry done.  The sun hasn't been out in days and it does nothing but snow.  I think I would feel more energetic if I could get out and do more.  But I'm not completely run down either.  Like I said.  I feel pretty good!  Just to give an idea.  Before I started I picked up some gravol and immodium.  I haven't touched it.  So far I've been very lucky :) .

When I first started this journey months ago by reading and researching I came across alot of very motivating forums written by addicts.  Some of them written back in 2009, 10, 11 etc. These forums and the people in it provided me with the courage... no not only courage... it made me excited to quit! That last day of using for me, man I was so ready to be done.  Last night I was feeling kind of down in the dumps and questioning myself and my strength.  I still had one of those forums open on my phone so I started reading it.  It brought me back.  I can and WILL do this :).

I am taking the wonderful advice that has been given here.  Especially regarding aftercare.  Thanks to everyone who has offered support and words of encouragement. It means everything.

Here's to day 4 complete and day 5 started! Cheers :)

[letthisbeit]

I don't know if I'm supposed to type in "comment" or "answer" lol this time I decided to type in the "answer" box.  Anyways.  Vicky thank you very much for the additional info and recommendations.  After reading what you wrote I went and picked up some multi vitamin, vitamin b's, d and a wack if bananas.  I have some protein powder here so I'm going to use that too with the berries.  I am paying very close attention to what everyone is sharing and making adjustments to my plan.  I've read countless forums with other people's experiences and supports. I spent weeks preparing by taking information and ideas I thought would work for me.  Of course I put most of my attention on the stories and ideas that I felt carried the most hope and positivity.  Having people read my own story and give back words of encouragement and their experiences means everything at this point.  
Gnarly, I think you have given me a great idea! Small towns all around me.  I could do that! I'm going to research where NA meetings are held. You nailed it when you spoke about putting as much effort into my recovery as I did my addiction lol. Tell me about it.  

Most of my day was good today.  But as it got to be late afternoon I started to feel down.  I am getting a glimpse of what is in store for me.  Not feeling quite right, content, energized..... I don't know.  Something.  Although it wasn't an urge to use persay, it was a definite understanding of why I enjoyed it for so long.  
I remember thinking a few years ago. Opiates should be given to everyone.  This is normal and good and people who didn't use them knew how great they could make life they would be prescribed to everyone.... what a foolish thing to think.  I'm sure I'm not the only one.  

I'm still on track. I did take 2mg when those feelings started getting intense and completely realize now and surrender to the fact that I need a long term plan.  Or I'm screwed :( . Typing that last sentence and this one brought tears to my eyes.  That hasn't happened in a long time.

Whatever the case.  Almost done day 4 (less enthusiastic now than I was this morning but whatever)

[gnarly_1]

Hi...I have been following you post for a wile now...im not a big proponent on sub or methadone...I was on methadone for almost 7yrs and the detox almost killed me hands down methadone is the hardest of the opiets to kick but sub comes in at a close second...I agree with the above posters you have been given some great advise once your clean you will quickly realize the getting clean is the ez part....aftercare is a critical part of the recovery process I have tryed most first the pastor of my church  then a therapist  then a substance abuse counselor for 3 yrs I was able to stay clean but the obsessions and cunpulshines to use where still there....I figured after 35yrs of abuse it was just going to be that way....I relapsed on benzo's and was desprete for help so I started to go to N/A meetings  the progam is free the meetings are only a hour long and your seronded buy a group of people that will understand so it is a safe place to share what is going on in your head....I got a sponcer worked the steps and found recovery...with time I developed a lot of real friends and somewhere along the way I lost the very desire to use.....something I thought was impossible  it is the only progam that can do that hence why I recamend it to everyone.... you like many others are afraid that someone will find out....just know this if there at the meeting there there for the same reason your there....to find recovery  as for the small town mabe you could drive out of town to ez your mind....just know this if you where out of pills you would drive to the next town to get them  recovery is worth the effort you been at this since 2006 your going to have to change what your doing in order to recover  your best thinking got you here  if you put 1/2 the effort in your recovery as you used 24/7 you will be sucsessful....now I know your apprehensive  most people are but you have to go out of your comfort zone in order to succeed just because you stoped the pills does not = recovery the addict in your head is alive and well....I have been on this forum since sept 0f 2009 those that use aftercare stat clean those that dont go threw this over and over again...this is a progressive disease that ends in jails institutions and death....all I know is it works for a old dope fiend like me it will work you anyone keep posting for support we can help you kick the sub when your ready to kick it  may God be with you................................Gnarly.......................................

[VICourageous]

Hi & Welcome!
I do agree with my MH friends above here.
What I am picking up, is that you are SO worried about the w/ds. The w/ds, as far as physical, will be over way sooner then the Mental. These meds change your Brain Chemistry and Neural Pathways. There is alot more to Addiction, and in a more Scientific way too. Over 3&1/2 yrs ago I jumped off of 3 meds at once and it was NOT fun at all. All these yrs I have been getting all the outside Support I can and had stuck close to this site. I also get help at my Church. One of the BIGGEST things that keeps me scared on going back on any pain pills, is what I have learned about the Brain Chemistry and how much it changes when we use, and also why some of us can become Addicts. This is the Reason..we say that the detox is the easy part..it is working on staying clean that takes the cake. It becomes a "WE" thing and NOT a "ME" thing, as the Me get us in trouble. Addiction is a Disease and it can hit anybody, at any time and it comes in many forums. Gambling, Booze, Shopping and so fourth. The Dopamine rush into that Pleasure Part of our brain (mid-brain-survival part) and it will always remember that Pleasure. This is why 1 is to many and 1000000 is not enough. We can not feed our Addiction ever!!!  
I know you said that you live in a small town. I live in a very small town and it is 50miles from Canada. The real good thing about small towns, is small meetings and I never run into anybody at all, or if I do we do not talk about them meetings in public. The small meetings give you a chance to vent at any meeting at all. Letting it go and talking about life will take a big weight off your shoulders.  Usually NO one says anything out side of them rooms. I still go and for many other reason too. It does take some time for those Brain Chems to find a balance. The after, is why we need support. Our addicting brains will think of any excuse to use something to get that instant Gratification. I have alot of reading on this Addiction and also PAWS.
After a person has become adjusted to a certain level of the drug/experience removal of it affects the Emotional/Biochemical balance that has been established. The person then has to Readjust to living without the previous level of stimulation,etc. Post acute w/ds can last months to yrs.  It has a Emotional and Physiological aspect that can be difficult to endure..
NOW..speaking from experience, and one who has used off & on for over 40yrs, this is the part that we as Addicts need to keep working hard on staying away from any mind altering substance. It is hard work, but it is so worth it in the long run. Paws does NOT hurt physically in any way. It is the Mind game that can go on between them ears. It is the part that I had to UP during times of troubles. Life will NOT always go smooth and we will have our Heartaches along the way. We can get bored or lonely, or even stub a toe and our Addiction brain will try to talk us into getting something to escape the pain or any feeling we might have..SO do NOT dwell on paws. Some ppl balance back quicker then others. Some ppl never did any other drugs or drank in there lives until they got prescribed opiates for pain. Everyone is different in some ways, but the same in others. We can not help it that we have this Disease, but we can arrest at some point and go on with our lives.
I think it would be so much better if you do not play around with the Subs. I have a friend who is a Dr and he now prescribes these. Subs are way more powerful then the other opiates. They are a bit like Methadone but they do not block those receptors all the way. I have experienced both and to me they are both a like in one way but different in another way. They are both very synthetic and do not like to let go, meaning that the detox will take way longer then those other opiates. I get so mad when they prescribe Methadone or Subs to ppl who come of the other opiates. From my experience, I would say that it is best to just taper way down or just get down low and jump.
Make sure YOU drink tons of fluids and mostly water. Pick up some of those vit/min like Airborne or Emerge-C, as they have some good immune system ones, to some electrolyte ones that have some good stuff in them. You can add these to water and also some lemon is good. Staying hydrated is a must and building up a great immune system is the key in this recovery too. Pick up some Protien powder and add this to berries. Berries are full of antioxidants, as any antioxidants will help too. Get some Amino-acids all in one. Meaning all the L-s in one. These help the brain too. Make sure you eat very healthy and try to stay away from caffeine, booze and sugars while detoxing. You can pick up some powder called "Calm" or just take some Magnesium, Potassium and D3 together for sleep and anxiety. There are many other OTC things that you can find in a Health food store to help also. I spent some money on some plant based and all natural vit/min, but you can just pick up those vit/min I suggested above. I now take those to and it does help me. WELL..I guess I better stop before I write a book. If you would like to know a bit more about what I was saying about Addiction in a Scientific way, you can go into my Journal, if you like, and find the "Nature of Addiction" and "Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway beyond Willpower". There are some Great videos out these days too. Have tons more info but have not put it in yet..Ha! Wishing you all the best and hope you stick around to Support others along the way, as you will get Support on here too.
Bless
Vickie

[WalkTall]

I was taking a huge dose of opiates: about 12 Norcos and 4 Roxicodones per day.  Yes, I was high functioning in a demanding job.  But I knew I had to stop.  I had a few methadones as a pre-detox crutch, but guess what?  I flushed everything - everything - 2 days ago.  The subs and 'dones just make the detox longer and harder.  Just jump cold turkey.  I did.  Take 6 days off work, get some comfort meds (Neurontin was a life-saver for me) and embrace the few days of discomfort as a right of passage to sobriety.  Good luck, friend.

[letthisbeit]

You did? Can you tell me more about that? I know everyone is different but I'm an information junkie (as well lol). How long were you using the methadone to detox? Did you find it helped? How severe did your wd get after ending it all?  I can handle discomfort.  I've never heard of neurontin.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and respond.  I know they are long and drawn out.  
Xo

[msdelight]

Hi there. I truly commend you on your efforts to get clean!
I have some major concerns though. You are still self medcating. You have a few subs and somehow you seem to think this will lead to avoiding detox.  Sorry,  not true.  Suboxone IS an opiate.  An extremely strong synthetic one hundreds of times stronger than oxy with a killer detox.  When you run out you will go running back to your dealer for more to avoid detox in worse shape than you were before.
Going to a sub doc with cost you a fortune, and guess what? You will still be hooked on drugs you can't get off without getting very very sick.
There is no "quick detox".  You can't keep medicating your self and call that clean.  You have to work for it, go thru it and come out the other side. And that's the easy part. Staying clean is even harder.  You need to learn how.

[letthisbeit]

Thank you so much for ur information.  I really do appreciate anyone willing to share info and knowledge with me at this point.  I completely understand what ur saying and agreed totally.  Yes it's true I am trying to minimize the effects of wd for many reasons, one being that I know it will increase my risk of relapse. And of course there are many reasons for that, as I've learned very quickly most here know and appreciate.
I've researched and researched... read hours and hours and knew going in the risks of using suboxone.  I'm looking through rose colored glasses at this point.  My plan is to use what I have as a tool for 5-7 days and then jump and simply deal with what happens. Alot of gravol, immodium, and prayer after that.  I've become stronger over the past 4 days. Less afraid of what's ahead, less afraid of wd (tail end of it anyways). I'm motivated, determined and excited for my future.  I'm nervous about PAWS and I'm afraid of relapse.  But again today I feel great.
It's 1pm now and I haven't taken anything.  I know about the sub half life, so I'm waiting for my wd symptoms.  Again it's the weekend so can afford to let things slide at home and suffer a little bit (which I think I need and deserve in order to remember it late when relapse is an option).

I should have mentioned earlier. I'm in Canada.  My family doctor happens to be a sub doc.  Suboxone treatment is covered under both of my group insurance plans. (I have wicked insurance through work). If this doesn't work I fully intend on coming clean with him and asking him to put me on a long term sub treatment.  The thing is, it's because of the research I've done that I know how highly addictive sub is and I want to be free of all of it. I don't want to be dependent on anything.

All I've been thinking about today is that morning I took my first half of a perk, the feeling I had before taking it.  Not the feeling after taking it.  I want any the feeling prior back.  If I could only turn back time and be that person again.  I was so strong for so long (being offered and and ways saying no). I was in so much pain that morning.  I was so weak.  

I have to get back to that feeling again.  And today is the closest I've been since that morning in 2006.  

I'm still here and determined to push through.  I pray I'm still here tomorrow, next week and forever.

Xox much love and respect

[jifmoc]

Great job on telling your friend...yay!!! Makes you feel like a stand-up human being, doesn't it? Btw, I thought for sure that when I told anyone, they'd be in shock, but guess what? Most people knew. They sensed something was "off." In any case, it will continue to be a relief. So good for you.

Yes, you are here and you are open to suggestion and you are taking some contrary action. You are doing it. You are starting. That is fantastic. Truly.

[letthisbeit]

Its funny you say that.. you are 100% right.  She wasn't shocked at all.  Almost to the point where I felt like it wasn't enough (based on your advice).  You saying that makes me feel better.
She proud of me. She didn't flip and she was very understanding and supportive.  

It's 1030 and I just woke up.  I feel very normal today and I haven't taken anything.  I'm going to try to go as long as I can without.  

Honestly I feel great.  I have zero urge to use.  I've had zero urge to use for a long time actually.  Months.  But I've had to in order to avoid feeling sick.  Any advice on what that means? Could it be that this is it?

It's the weekend now, so no work till Monday.  I'm going to try to deal with wd (if or when it comes) and get as much of this crap out of my system as I can.  
I've taken 25mg of serequel every night to sleep since I began this journey and I've slept great!!

I know there is no way I'm out of the woods and there's no way I'll be only person who got to walk away unscathed.  But I'm going to enjoy this feeling of normal for as long as I can.  I woke up feeling straight, without cramps, without anxiety, without being soaked in sweat and with a few bucks in my wallet.  First time in years :)

It's a good and magical day!! I'm blessed! Thank the Lord for day 4!!  And thank you for being here, it means a lot, you have no idea how much. (I get the feeling I'm not the 1st person to tell you that)

[jifmoc]

Glad your still w/ us. No, my friend, being accountable to ourselves doesn't work, sorry to say. We can't fix an addict brain w/ an addict brain.

We all know how scared you are. We've all been there.  If you've been around enough you'll find that nothing that anyone says is unique. You're not the first person who is afraid of being "outed" in meetings. Seen that over and over on this site, too. Here's the deal. You will get better when you give up your secretive behavior. You are still trying to do it your way. Trying to hide. Trying to do it on your own. Trying to do it differently than suggested. Yup, we've all been there, too. Guess what? Whatever meeting you go to, everyone in there is going for the same reason. We all think everyone else is looking at us. No one gives a sh!t. They are there for themselves.They are there because they effed their life up just like you. A HUGE lesson I learned since getting clean is that whatever I predict, whatever I think will happen, however I think someone else will respond, doesn't happen. I don't know anything. I think I know everything. That's part of having an addict brain, too.

I noticed you keep saying how strong you are. I understand, that's how I've always considered myself: I never got into any major trouble w/ my addiction, am educated, have friends, family, work, I always worked out and kept myself lean. I looked good on the outside and I considered myself "tough." But, people that can't face their emotions, people that have to medicate themselves to get through the day aren't tough. Pills are stronger than us. No matter how hard I tried, the pills were always stronger than me. You wanted to be called out on your sh!t, right? Put your ego away and listen to those that came before you. If there was a way to stay clean and sane on your own, believe me, I would tell you! There isn't. Can you consider surrendering and trying what others tell you? I can tell you are intelligent. And intelligent people want to think their way into their own solution. I get it. It's very hard to admit our way got us in trouble and have to start listening to others. But, it's the only way.

Stay close:)

[letthisbeit]

Thank you for staying with me... I've been checking most of the day... 2 hours ago I told one of my closest friends. That was tough. But I did it.  Made me feel better to say it out loud.  I do have the urge to announce I'm 3 days off opiates! In 10 years I've never gone 1 single day without... my god, not 1 single day.... terrible.

Everyday I become more proud of myself... it must feel good to be able to say it and have people be proud of you... 3rd day is almost done! I know I have help with the wd by taking the sub, but for me it counts.  I'm anxious to see how I feel when I jump off of them..m hoping my next Friday. Tomorrow being Saturday and no work I think I'm going to try going as long as can before dosing.  I want to see where I'm at on my 4th day even though I know it won't be accurate based on the sub half life and what not.  

I'm getting there guys.  I really am. I'm getting stronger and braver everyday.  And being here is helping as I'm guessing you know and is the reason you reply and share your thoughts and words of encouragement with me.

I've decided that when I'm over this hump I'm going to tell my partner as well... we have been together a year and he has no idea.  He needs to know and I know he will support me and help me move forward as long as he knows I'm in recovery.  I don't feel like I'm in recovery yet.  Right now I feel like I'm prepping myself for recovery (if that makes any sense). It's going to be life long.  

Thanks again everyone! I'll check in again very soon
All my love xox