27 days...4 weeks tomorrow!!! :)

[Sweetness91]

Today is day 27...I'll have 4 weeks to call mine tomorrow and that feels great. And a few more days, will be my 30 days!! THAT is something I really didn't think I would accomplish. This is my first time ever detoxing...even though I was on the methadone 8 years and a combination of everything else in the two years prior. I honestly thought I'd get a few days in and say hell with it. Lol. I never knew the determination I had when I started this would carry me through...that and alot of guidance & support from my husband & everyone here...and most importantly, my God up above. The days are rough...I won't even try to kid you on that...but I know that it has to get better or there would be no stories of "I made it off methadone xx amount of years ago"....because I don't think anyone one put theirselves through this if it wasn't going to be a success. I have been thinking alot, and no matter what, Monday is gonna be my day...I AM going job searching and I will find something to occupy my mind and body.

When I was the manager at a well known steakhouse, I used to write motivational quotes on a wipe-board each day...and my favorite one to write was this....

"Failing to plan, is like planning to FAIL!" ....so I've got my plan in place and I'm not looking back!! Thanks to all my friends here...you all are such an inspiration...w/o you it would be a very hard thing to do!! God Bless You ALL!! <3

[Sweetness91]

Oh, and yes I agree...Weaver is the best. :) He always manages to lift my spirits!

[Sweetness91]

Selfinduced, I'll be so relieved when I can start focusing on more of the mental challenges rather than the physical. Sometimes it's hard to focus on anything when your body hurts. But either way, I still push through my day. :)

Oh...and I just have to tell you this, Did you know you're THREE TIMES more likely to die in an accident on your way to buy a lotto ticket, than you are of actually winning it?? Lmao...so if life clean feels like winning the lotto, I'll definitely take it!! :)

[selfinduced]

Hey Sweet, Just throwing my kudos's at you. I've followed your story and am so happy for what you crawled out of. Keep those days coming, life clean is like winning the lottery everyday. PS-Weaver is the best ever, isn't he!!!!!!

[Sweetness91]

Weaver you are such a strong and passionate person....it shows in your posts. That you were able to do so much with your life in such a short amount of time really is inspiring. The way you look at things.....just...wow. It's very humbling.
I have always believed that He will help me get through all this....and that He doesn't  give us anymore than we can handle..(btw, he must think I'm superwoman! Lol) About two weeks ago, after I had gotten through the biggest physical part of the w/d's, I told my husband that God was the one who would help me now...with the rest of it. And I'm keeping faith that that's going to happen. One day at a time though!! :) Thanks weave...you're the best :)

[weaver71]

I struggle with the past a lot, but remember your early in recovery, you have the rest of your life. I had to stop taking a fearless moral inventory. I was going through too much too fast. It took a good 5 months before I realized I was trying too hard. It took every ounce of strength to get through my detox, and I never let up. I was trying to work on my past and character with the same push that I used to get clean. I had to stop doing anything but reminding myself that I am an addict and my life had become unmanageable. I then kept reminding myself that I had come to believe that a Power greater than myself could relieve me of my affliction. Finally, I keep it in the front of my mind that I made a decision to turn my life and will over to that Power. That's enough to change a persons life. Each new memory replaces the old. Keep making good choices and new memories, all the rest will fall into place.

[Nighthawk61]

Congratulations on your clean time and best of luck job hunting. You should be so proud of yourself. It's never easy, and only the strong survive. God Speed.

[Sweetness91]

Atthebeach, I know He has forgiven me...it's so much easier to listen to ppl to tell me to forgive myself than it is for me to actually do it!  I thought it would have happened by now. Maybe I'm confusing forgiving myself for it and hating what I did n didn't do? I dont know. But your reassurance is not going unheeded. I have thought about it all evening! And I really do pray that one day I'll be able to look at those 6 yrs in a different light or mindset. I guess only time will tell! ;)

And thanks Jimmy :)

[Jimmy1975]

Well Done !  What an inspiration .

[atthebeach]

sweetie,
there is  now  no condemnation to those in CHRIST JESUS.

our sins are as far as the east is from the west and they are
remembered no more.

don't beat yourself up. there is nothing that you could have done that isn't forgiven. you need to forgive yourself as CHRIST has forgiven you.
HE loves you and died for you.

[Sweetness91]

All my typos today are seriously starting to tick me off...I have a habit of re-reading all my comments...AFTER they're posted. I'm really not as dense as my posts are making me look. Lol. Grrrr!!

[Sweetness91]

Deals off?? What?? Darn...guess I better my own laundry pile done then come do yours. Hehehe.

And atthebeach, I'm definitely trying to get over the past...that's for sure. There's just one thing I've never been able to "let go" of...something I still haven't been able to forgive myself for. Not the addiction, that's something I have kinda come to terms with I guess you could say...something I've accepted. I know that God has forgiven me...He forgives freely. But the thing is...is I know I'll be ok...even if I don't ever forgive myself...it is what it is...

And I must tell you, your words were absolutely beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you :)

[atthebeach]

the past is gone, we have no promise of tomorrow. all we have is today...
therapy many times does bring up things that are very painful. some believe you need to re-harsh, others not so. just resolve in your heart the pain, wounds and scars that you endured. let go and let GOD, forgive those that have hurt you, it will release you. forgiveness.....will set you free.
old things are passed away, all things are becoming new.....

[luvabugga]

Wait....no laundry?  Deals off....lol.

[Sweetness91]

Thanks Ricart...it will...I know it!

And luvbug, I'll do that! Ummm maybe not the laundry...but definitely the shopping and lunch! What woman doesn't like shopping. Now laundry? That's a different story. That's the one thing in my house I hate doing...keep in mind that I have an 11 yr old daughter that thinks two outfits a day isn't enough, and a 13 yr old rough n tumble boy that gets mud on him just looking at it. Lol. :)

[luvabugga]

Sweets....call me anytime.  We'll laugh, go shopping, have lunch...and then you can come do my laundry!  Hey that's what friends are for..lol.

Seriously tho, once you reach out I'm sure you will reconnect with your old friends.  It's hard when you shut yourself out to the world.  You don't need a ton of friends, but you really need at least one friend you can confide in, so I hope you seriously try to re-establish some friendships.

And then...you always have us!!

[ricart70]

Yes it will work out.Just stay clean and sober.Good things tend to happen to us when we stay clean.   You are doing great

[Sweetness91]

Ricart...to be totally honest, that's what has kept me from going back to counseling since my first visit a few weeks ago. Up until I went to that appt, I had been doing somewhat ok mentally, even with the horrid physical w/d's, but when I left that appt, I could've eaten a bottle of pills and not cared a bit. It took me several days to get over that. Not once did they ask me why I thought I was addicted....they wanted to talk about the three most horrible events in my life...I cried for days after that. And I still can't shake the thoughts   and memories that were brought out that day. Since then, I've been scared to death to even try to call and make an appt. I must admit, my doctor put me on an anti-depressant yesterday because I even cried in front of him...something I have never done. I told him I was too scared to take the Ativan he prescribed because I didn't want to have another demon to tackle in a couple months. He still wants me to take it at night...and I told him I would just to make him stop saying I "really need an anxiety medication" over and over. I do believe I'm a bit depressed, have been for a long time but just didn't want to get treated for it.

And I'm working on getting in touch with some old friends that I haven't seen in years. I've been such a recluse since being on methadone...to be quite honest, I don't really have any friends that I go hang out with, or go shopping and do lunch, or even friends that I call once a week! I mean I have acquaintances, but they aren't anyone I would confide in, or invite to lunch or something. I know TONS of ppl in my area, but thats mainly because of managing the steakhouse...ppl you say hi to or whatnot. But HEY, I DO have lots of friends here that I talk to! Lol. It's all good though...in time everything will work itself out and I'll be doing that lunch with a girlfriend :)

[Sweetness91]

Rediscovering, thank you...that's an awesome thing to hear...it really is. And I think it's alot of what keeps me going. Mainly, I don't want to be a disappointment to myself...but I especially don't want to disappoint anyone else...ever again, by taking something "just so I can get through my day"...only now, do I realize how absolutely RIDICULOUS that sounds!! Life, and the ppl I love that are surrounding me should be MORE than enough to at me through the rest of my days! ;)

[ricart70]

sweet....for what it's worth I don't think you have to go back and rehash all the crap from the past that you have already dealt with in order to stay sober and be happy and content.I am not a big fan of this sort of thing as it is good for some but just worthless,destructive, and unnecessary to others.It would be nice if that's all we had to do to get serene or whatever.It does help to spend some social time with people who no longer drink and drug.You know where to find those people.Exercise and cardio every day helps me so much in my mood and with recovery also.Don't overthink it

[luvabugga]

Sweets....you're doing awesome and have such a great attitude.

I am convinced you will succeed!

[Rediscovering]

Rock on darlin!!! Keep it up. I am on day 3 from Tramadol recovery. You are an inspiration to me.

[Sweetness91]

Thank you Jennelle, it can be done! You're doing great coming down to 5mg...I almost stopped at 5, but kept cutting it in half til I got to 1.25 because I was too chicken. Lol. But I think it did help by not jumping too soon. I did it on my own terms...and I think that helped me alot. Let me know when you make the jump!! I'll or praying for you to pull through...which I have do doubt you will :)

[Jenelle2020]

Congratulations to you on a job well done. I have been on methadone 7 years and a bit and now it is my turn to come off, I hope I do as well as you, I am currently at 5mgs and doing well. Great job, I'm happy for you!

[Sweetness91]

And one more thing, I do have another appt with a counselor. This time I'm doing individual counseling. At least for awhile. There are alot of things that happened to me as a young girl and young lady that I just can't bring myself to talk about with a group of strangers...things that I only told my husband a few years ago...and we will have our 19th anniversary this year...so anyway...I hope to work through those issues. But in all honesty, I don't feel like they contributed to my addiction. I had broken my back when I was 26 and it started there...now why I STAYED on them...I dont know...maybe I'll find out soon though. Again...I thank each and every one of you for your endless and amazing support. Y'all are a great bunch of ppl!