300mg/day Oxy habit is ruining my life. I have suboxone, but need a plan.

[Hollowbody]

Hi,  
I Could really use some support right now.  I've reached out on this site before and have had great advice and found great people who actually care.  I am hoping that I can get the same support, despite the fact that I only come on when I have a problem.  I really need to stay in touch better and help others instead of only reaching out when I need help.  My habit has been so bad lately- probably why I have not felt inclined to show up around these parts.  

I have a 300mg/day oxycodone habit.  It has been about a year and half of progressive use.  I obtained a good amount of suboxone and I am planning to make a jump.  My problem is, that my daily habit is so high, I am scared sh*tless of the withdrawals.  Is it possible to jump to sub from such a high amount of daily Oxy intake without feeling like absolute hell?  

Background:  I have gone through this all before-  exactly 4 years ago I was intercepted by my family and (happily and thankfully) went through an outpatient sub detox program with the support of my family.  I was on sub for 10 months, starting with a high dose and weaning down very slowly.   Last time, I was also at a 300mg/day habit... But because I had my mother regulating and administering my dose, I was able to wean down to 150mg/day before I jumped to sub... It was an uncomfortable process and switch, but by day 3 I had stabilized and no longer felt pain.   I am thankful I had my mother to help me at the time.   I promised my family I would never use again.  No one knows that I have fell back into the depths of hell- being oxy abuse.  I desperately want my life back- my health back, my drive for sobriety, my real personality back... And my Bank account back.  I am dancing with the devil at this point, EVERYTHING good in my life is on the line and if I don't get clean right now, I am risking losing it all.  

The simple answer, I know, is "get your **** together buddy, go to a in/outpatient clinic, tell your loved ones...." And I agree with that answer.  But more specifically, Is there anyone out there that can provide me with any sort of info/experience/advice on

A)  how I should go about doing this (try tapering down on oxy myself?  Check myself in right now?  Or just jump to sub right now on my own- since I have sub?)

and B) has anyone else jumped from this large of oxy dose straight into sub?  (300mg/day orally).  Is it possible or is it a clear path to relapse?

Thank you so much for reading my post. Any help is much, much appreciated and needed.  

[Heroin4Life]

how come your fiance would leave you if she found out? Admitting you neeed help and are willing to do whatever it takes requires a huge amount of courage. Yes at first she might be upset and feel betrayed, but at the end of the day, if she loves you and sees you struggling and in pain, but wanting help and wanting to change, wouldnt she want to help you do so? If the tables were turned and she was the one coming to you about this, would u leave her? or would u want to help? I know that telling people seems like a huge deal and can be terrifying, but carrying the burden of a secret addiction is far more painful and isolating and miserable than finally admitting the truth. Youd be amazed at how many peopel out there would be willing to help you. If u r up for a meeting or some kinda support group, u shud try it. Tell them ur new and people will help u in ways you wouldnt imagine. Its pretty amazing how much compassion a total stranger can have and its because they get it, we as addicts, we get it. Addiction is a powerful disease and u cnat fight it alone. that doesnt make u weak, its just the fact of the matter. it took me a long time to realize this and im just coming to terms with it now. I hope u find somepoeple u cna reach out to so u dont have to bare this burden alone and so that u can give urself a real chance at getting help and getting clean.

[Bigdaddy1313]

One last comment. You are spending an enormous amount of effort keeping your addiction in the dark. Use that same effort in taking your life back. Next week, next month, next years are coming whether your clean and happy or addicted and lost. god bless.

[Bigdaddy1313]

You have to many secrets my friend. Your prescription for getting clean is not one I would recommend. As sneaky as you think you are I would bet your loved ones are not falling for it. I'm not trying to be harsh but unless you bring your addiction front and center you are going to end up alone. Change you perspective and get clean. Its almost impossible to do it yourself.

[Hollowbody]

I left out the middle part just bc I didn't want my post to be an overload of info.  Also, I get nervous bringing that back up for legal reasons... I kinda feel like for my best interest, it may be best to keep that part on the DL from now on.  Thank you for inquiring though, it was a huge huge deal for me.  I did mention on that thread that my doctor discharged me, and told me he "reported suspicious activity"... Since then, nothing else has happened.  It went under the radar.  My wife never found out, bc I was never forced into a situation where I had to tell her.  I thank god almost everyday that I either wasn't caught, or it wasn't a big enough deal to whoever is in charge out there.  Since then, I've found a new doctor and I've kept it very straight.  I go once a month, never early, never ask for more med, always go to same pharmacy, pay out of pocket.  

As for my wife, well, our relationship isn't doing well.  She still has no idea about any of this, but it's taking a toll on my ability to be a good husband (obviously).  That's largely what I meant by "I'm risking everything good in my life" above.... I need to get clean asap.  We haven't been married that long, we are both under 30.  I need to really get my act together bc my use is taking a toll on not just my personality, but our sex life, as I lose drive and potency when I'm high.  I'm approaching a dead end real quick.  And, as you may remember, telling my wife is not an option.  I might as well just pack my bags if my plan is to tell her.  I know that love is supposed to be unconditional.... In our case, with drug abuse, it is totally conditional.  

Thank you for your advice.  I have not done an outpatient program in the part year.  After my last post, I took a break and used sub for about a month.  I fell back into oxy and have been on the incline every since may of last year.

[dirtydirk]

digging up some dirt....i like your style. start callin u shirlock_in_ks ....in all fairness shes only trying 2 help  hollowbody  but shes right!!!   ........Hollowbody  i was addicted 2 H and i found my first cpl days of using the sub i was guna be in some kind of pain regardless....maybe if i woulda took 2-3 8mgs like some ppl i wouldnt have but that just seemed crazy to me......Its gotta get worse b4 it gets better, if it was easy everyone would be doing it ....but life on the other side does have much greener pastures!!!  best of luck  

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome back to forum~   Glad you made it back~

After reading the last thread you posted a year ago (in April 2013)...it seems like you are telling us the beginning of your story from back in 2009.....and then the end of your story (where you find yourself now), but leaving out the middle part??

What happened with the prescription fraud?  And are you still with the same woman/fiancé you didn't want to tell about your addiction last year?
Did you ever seek out any outpatient help, counseling or other forms of aftercare after you got caught last year?

As you know, the disease of addiction is PROGRESSIVE and we only fool ourselves if we think we can ever return to "using as prescribed" or "using just a little bit less" this time around.  

The VERY best gift you could give yourself is to forget the street obtained subs and check into an inpatient program.  Using is only a symptom for us as addicts.  Being in an environment where your SOLE FOCUS is on getting clean, understanding addiction, getting some group and one-on-one counseling, learning new life skills/tools for a clean and sober life in a concentrated fashion would bless your socks off.  It forces us to forget all the daily things in our lives that pull us in a million directions and prevent us from working on getting clean.

At my worst, I was up to 300 mg/day.....so I can totally relate to the fear you have about getting clean.  

Why not surrender this time?  I PROMISE the feeling of FREEDOM is like no other.  I had to cut off ALL my sources, expose my secret addiction and get some recovery support in order to learn a new way of living.

I hope and pray this will be the time you say:  enough is enough~

[betterlife4us]

Number 1. . . stop worrying about not coming on more often.  I believe people do the best they can in life.  You sound like me. . . I can never do enough for everyone.  I think you should do what you did the first time.  It worked!  You know the saying, "If it isn't broke, don't fix it."  Families are unbelievably forgiving.  They helped the first time, they will help again.  You should have a conversation with them tonight, asking for help, and then begin the process of tapering down.  Hand your stash over to your mom again.  I hope I got your story right.  I just think having a plan first will be better.  It sounds a little scary to do this by yourself.  You can do this!!!  You did it before.  A better life is waiting for you.