Need advice

[Nicoleg70]

My husband & I have been together 30yrs & have 2 children. Through the years I have left him a couple of times do to his drug addiction. We got back together about 4yrs ago & he was doing great staying clean. Then 2yrs ago he started a new job & was surrounded by people that are drug users, needless to say he fell back into using also. He tried hiding it but eventually couldn't. Instead of leaving him again I choose to stick with him & try to help him through it. About 4 months ago he started going to the methadone clinic to get clean, I prayed this would help, but instead things have gotten worse. He was lying more often, I work a over night shift 10-6am & he started leaving for a coule f hours at night after I would go to work & wouldn't tell me where he had been. When he done this in my car & wouldn't tell me where he'd been I stopped letting him take my car. About a month ago I caught him cheating on me, I confronted him but he denies it saying it's not like that & I don't know what I'm talking about but the affair is still going on. I also confronted the other woman who did in fact confirm the affair. He says he doesn't know what he wants but he has & still is putting a lot of effort into making sure no one knows about the other woman. I don't know what to do!! I've been told that some people can't deal with everyday life, stress or problems once on methadone & sober. I really need some advice , I'm on the verge of leaving him. We've always been close but I don't know him anymore . I think the best thing to do is leave him but I also feel I'd be giving up on him if I did. He says the other woman lets hm borrow her car & that he has no feelings fr her...

[Danny111]

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this.  It sounds like you really need to start doing something for yourself.  Go to Alanon, and/or see a counselor/therapist and work on yourself.  

My father had affairs and my mother never left him.  When I think of all the years that she had to have been miserable, and it was 50+ years it's breaks my heart.  I don't think cheating and using go hand in hand but I might be wrong.

[motye51]

This is just my opinion......(let me preface)
LEAVE!  DO NOT stay w/ this man!  He is your husband and the father of your children, but at this point, your kids aren't stupid.  Leave and start a stable enviroment with them!  Yes, go to Alanon, to learn how to handle being the spouse of an addict. But you don't have to be a doormat either?  My suggestion would be to separate and start living a life of your own. One that's not centered around a using husband.  Maybe later, down the road, once he's been clean for a while, and acknowledged his affair maybe, if you want to, talk again.  Loving an addict and knowing where the line is to start taking care of YOU and YOUR KIDS is hard......I don't envy you in this instance....but you have to do it.  
Again, just my opinion!  (also, my husband had an affair while using as well, she was his drug dealer :)

[Nicoleg70]

Hi, thank you! The whole reason he is in the methadone clinic is to get help, methadone has never been something he took. His drugs of choice have always been pills & crack/cocaine but over the past couple of years it's been pills. I have the strength to stick with him through this but the fact he is still seeing this other woman & works with her is to much for me. Even though he spends very little time with her outside of work is irrelevant, the fact he's spending time with her at all is enough for me. She even calls our home! I answered the phone a couple of days ago when she called & told her the truth about everything in front of him. The affair is what will make me leave him.

[Nicoleg70]

Thank you for your advice. I have already checked into Alon & when they meet, I will be attending meetings. When I said "sober" I was referring to what I've read, I know as long as he is on anything at all he is not sober. It's so frustrating , I can't get any response from him when trying to talk about any of this. Our oldest son has moved out & our youngest son barely talks to him. My family is falling apart & ive never felt so helpless.

[jugglin]

Hi there.  I just wanted to give you some words that were given to me recently after bailing a couple of friends out of jail and feeling like a fool for believing the stories.  You know how hey say an addict will get help when they are tired of being sick and tired or when they hit their rock bottom?  The same goes for those of us who are enablers or love our addict friends/family members.  When you hit your rock bottom supporting him, you will get the help you need or you will walk away (or both).  When you are sick and tired...you will know.  Please take the advice above and seek out an Alanon meeting to help you through these feelings and emotions...those folks have walked in your shoes and understand how you feel. I was able to walk away when I was sick and tired, but these were "friends", not my husband. Wishing you the very best...make sure you are taking care of you!

[jifmoc]

Hey Nicole.  The VERY first thing you need to do is go to an Alanon meeting. Like, tomorrow. You need major support and this is not a light decision. You also need to learn about addiction. When someone is on methadone that is not sober. That's opiate maintenance. Regardless, doesn't sound like your husband has been in any recovery. If he gets into recovery, he has a chance. If not, you will have more of this and worse.

Alanon will surround you w/ people who know exactly how you feel. You will also learn how to keep your composure and to not do dangerous things like confront a strange woman (yes, that is dangerous.) Most of all, you will learn to have peace, regardless of the addict/alcoholic. I'm sure you would love to have peace and serenity. You will learn to focus on YOUR life. When we focus on the addict for so long, we forget that we matter. That we actually exist. And you do matter. You deserve happiness and to not be in anxiety and fear all the time.

Stay close. Others will chime in.