About the food issues. I am going through it too. It is a normal symptom of WD that everyone experiences. I am 53 hrs off opiates completely after a 3 mo. slow taper. Mine were Methadone and Vicodin doctor prescribed for chronic pain 11 yrs ago. Always doctor supervised, but I felt awful so decided to go off them myself with slow tapering 3 mos ago. Still experienced full blown WD symptoms for the last week. Went from 118 lbs to 106 lbs. Sound familiar? I am 5'6" tall. I also am finding very hard to eat as nothing smells or tastes good.
About working in a restaurant/bar. Don't they give you a free meal at the end of the night? Most of them do. I'd suggest, if you don't want to eat there take it to go home and nibble on the food throughout the night and next am.
By the way, the boyfriend actually sounds like an amazing guy that he has put up with all this and not run away from you and your problems! Just an opinion of what you have written.
Why don't you ask him to help you by promising no matter what to NOT get you any drugs even if you beg him to do so? He will do this if he really cares for you and it sounds as if he does, he just doesn't fully understand addictions from lack of education. He probably just could not endure seeing you so miserable.
I admit the withdrawal period is not pretty, in fact it is gross to be having stomach pain and diarrhea and sweating and tossing and turning and crying. Feel for you! I also like to feel lovely and attractive and have felt pathetic for the last week!
By the way heroin chic skinniness is no longer in style. I have been very thin all my life - genetically and by choice because it suits me. I am very fine boned. And people compliment me on it all the time. But I now feel way too skinny. I need a few more pounds on me to stay strong and have some reserves. So my goal over the next month is to gain about 5 pounds if I possibly can.
I'm sure at 127 you still look model thin to everyone else. You need to get back up there to be healthy and have some reserves. It is actually difficult for people like us to gain weight. Because we really do not enjoy eating and feeling full.
I would cut out the soda. It is terrible for you. Drink an electrolyte filled juice instead. And at least start taking a multi vitamin every day.
Yes, this stuff makes your period stop and that is not a good thing.
Maybe this will trigger something for you. Doing opiates is aging. I takes it's toll quite quickly too. You really do want to look good don't you? It dries out your skin and causes premature wrinkles. I am not making this up. It is a side effect listed in my Methadone RX papers that accompany each refill!
another reason I have decided to go off these meds. Vanity is not a bad motivational factor in this case!
I hope you are feeling better. The human body has miraculous properties of recovery. You will see.
I hope you have been able to get outside and enjoy some sunshine.
Take care and stick to your plan.
I also suggest you go to see your GP for a complete physical when you have finished WD. You may be Anemic from terrible eating habits and Vitamin D deficient. I was both and they helped me out with injections and supplements to get me back on track. I felt much better afterwards.
*****Oh and I wanted to add that I can't eat! No matter how frail and weak I feel I can't force myself to eat anything. I eat a bowl of cereal in the morning and then don't feel the slightest bit of hunger until around 5 pm. And when I feel that slight hunger, the thought of any food makes me nauseous. I usually drink soda throughout the day and it curbs my appetite until I get so hungry I can't stand it around 11 pm. Then I eat 2 friend eggs and feel fine. It's been that way since I've quit. (not that I ate much before anyway) I'm 5'9 and was 127 a week ago. I'm 118 today, I feel like I'm withering. Any experience with this or how to help get an appetite? Weed doesn't work anymore :(
yes your guna feel wds when you stop using the sub....but it should be better than going ct....esp if youve only been usiung 1mg of sub....be careful if u keep taking the sub your wds will last longer than coming off pills or heroin im not sure what u were taking......in saying that ive known plenty of ppl that use sub as a 5-10 day crutch to get away from there opiate of choice as well ....there was times in my detoxing that i couldnt even smell food or think about it yes....but that never lasted very long my guess is the sub is doing something in your body like opiates curbing appeptite....when your fully detoxed from everything be ready 2 eat eat and eat some more, at least personally speaking i found myself needing 2 eat every hr and a half because i use 2 be using opiates as my daily food source i guess.....granted i would have rather do heroin instead of eat towards the final cpl months of using due 2 needing more and more money 2 get well ...... when i finally quit i ended up gaing like 30 lbs in roughly a month....well needed weight though ill say that.....keeep it up and kick that monkey off your back, you can do this !!!
I was gonna check in with you today so I'm happy to read your post. Good for you for taking these steps. I would caution you about the subs- honestly you shouldn't really use them. This is my opinion but you're going to have to withdraw from them eventually and so why prolong the misery? It's a long weekend. Just get all that crap outta your body and get it over with. Also, the adderall scares me. IS this prescribed to you? It's basically speed so a cocktail of weed and speed??? I don't know honey bun....You're young. The best detox is the most natural one.
ALso- sorry to preach at you but soda is not a good idea. Drink clear fluids like water, vitamin water, soothing herbal teas. Clear broth and toast with pb is awesome as well as BANANAS. They help with binding and you need the potassium for the RLS which will surely hit.
I don't mean to lecture- it's just I've been down this road more than once and have learned some things from it. I really want you to be happy and healthy and get back to the true YOU. You deserve it. Congrats on your steps forward.
Sending support and hugs...
Hey Lu! good to hear from you again and thanks for keeping me in mind! <3 I wish I could say that I had a long weekend as well, but working in a 5 star restaurant means that this weekend is going to be chaos for me and my coworkers. This whole week has been a sh*t show at work because it's been so busy. Being on my feet for 14 hours a day running around like a crazy person doesn't leave your body feeling well even if you are completely sober, so it ***** that I picked this week to DT (from opiates) :( but I'm already too far in to give up and I don't plan on it! I don't work today until 4 pm so my plan was to wake up and see how long I could go without taking any suboxone.
Well for some reason I got literally zero sleep last night, so I got up at about 8 am and snacked on some cereal and laid on my couch for about an hour and a half before I started getting those stomach pains again. With it being Friday night and having to work in a packed bar all night, I didn't even want to risk it :( I don't know much about suboxone but I do know that I am taking a very low dose compared to others who are prescribed to it. I was reading old posts on here last night and saw that some people were prescribed as much as 28 mg per day. I wake up in the morning and take an eighth of an 8mg pill / film and feel normal for the whole day. With that being said, if I quit now I don't think I have built up enough suboxone in my system to WD but I could be wrong...
If I quit suboxone now, after not taking the drugs I had been taking so much of for 5-6 days, how do you think it will affect me? And no, the adderall isn't prescribed to me :/ it just really helps to replenish my energy, and to be quite honest... I don't remember how to be in a good mood that isn't drug induced. I hate it. So much. I can see my relationship with my boyfriend falling apart one day at a time because I know it's hard for him to understand what these feelings are like and why I can't just be happy. And he thinks he's the one making me unhappy... Probably because I'm so irritable and because he's the only one that's around all the time I tend to take it out on him... I feel horrible. So I don't even know how to deal with that situation. I'm not happy anymore because I can't remember how to be. I feel like the only thing that I'm happy about right now is the fact that I haven't taken any pain pills/heroin for almost a week. And I'm really proud about it (I just can't tell anyone but you guys lol)
Do people in relationships normally have these feelings while DT? I'm starting to wonder if all the feelings I've grown for him this past year or so were based on how happy I was when I was high... I don't think that's the case. I think I'm just having weird moods/feelings from this DT. Maybe I just need some time to myself for a bit.
Thank you for all your support, I truly appreciate it. I apologize for sounding so bratty/moody/needy/stubborn. I'm new to this and I wish it were something I never had to go through! But I keep telling myself that it would be A LOT worse! I've read that some people need a life changing event to even WANT to quit, such as a death of a close friend by drugs or an OD. I just decided that I don't want to be like my 43 year old coworker who is selling me the suboxone.. He needs it everyday to even be able to get out of bed and keep living even though he has two young teenage daughters. But his drug addiction is the reason he even works with me in the first place. I have better plans for myself that don't include working in a restaurant when I'm 43. I am so blessed to have grown up in a great home with my loving family who pushed me to get a good education and who support me in every aspect of my life.
I feel like I'm blabbering and I need to get ready for work. I will try to stay away from subs tomorrow morning and see how the day goes.. but I'm afraid I will DEFINITELY have to take it Easter Sunday because work will be a nightmare :/ maybe next week will be better for me...
And I'll take your tips as far as my diet goes and keep you posted.
<3 <3 <3 have a great day everyone
The not sleeping and tummy pain is totally normal and par for the course. As is the irritability and questioning your relationship. I feel for you and the work schedule. I served tables for many years and it is a hard freaking job. It is also a very hard environment to be sober in. I always found it super depressing because the service industry seems to be a hideout for many addicts who don't want to deal with their issues- it is a pretty socially acceptable industry to drink and do drugs in which was one of my main reasons for getting out. So depressing. However, and I know I sound like I am lecturing you here, but you need to get some support and maybe some counselling. The fact that you say you don't know how to function or be happy without some kind of drug in your system is pretty much the epitome of addiction. I know you said your dad died when you were 13. Grief can be an enormous thing to overcome and many people numb it out with substances. The longer we do this for, the deeper we get into our addictions. You are a young woman who seems to have a great head on her shoulders. You have been doing some pretty serious drugs for a time. It's hard when you're young because lots of people (heck almost everyone) parties hard at that age. It's when you realize that you cannot function without drugs or alcohol that you discover you have a problem. The good news is that it is not too late. I am going to strongly urge you to seek out some counselling and support to deal with this monkey on your back. As time goes by it only gets harder and you become more deeply embedded.
For me, I never had an issue with addiction until I got really sick, had my heart broken badly by a man I loved deeply, and then ended up in a marriage where my husband raped and abused me. I started using my prescribed pain meds to numb out the emotional pain and grief I was feeling. It wasn't until I was confronted by some hard truths by some loved ones and realized I was going to kill myself if I kept going down that path that I found the strength to save myself. I got a lot of support. I did PTSD counselling, addiction counselling, EMDR, cognitive behaviour therapy. Basically, I did a heck of a lot of work on myself. I still struggle with serious illness and pain. But I am the healthiest I have ever been emotionally. I have a wonderful life, a successful business doing what I love, and an amazing man who knows my entire history and loves me unconditionally. But it took hard work, acceptance, and a lot of self love to get here.
I really think that you are having some of these realizations and I just want to encourage you to do whatever you can to take a healthier road. You deserve love and happiness darlin'.
Anyways, I know that was a rant but for some reason I feel very strongly that I needed to tell you these things. And let you know that I'm here if you wanna chat about any of it.
So it's 7 pm and I haven't taken anything all day long. Last night was miserable. I ran out of adderall (I could have gotten more if I hadn't lost my debit card, which I won't have for 7 days.. no $$ til then :/) and I had only taken a tiny minuscule piece of sub early in the am so since late afternoon yesterday I've been super depressed. Last night I just started crying and crying and saying ridiculous suicidal things. My boyfriend started crying which I knew I was suppose to feel bad about... I couldn't feel anything. If anything it made me mad. All I could do was apologize for not being able to tell him what he needs to hear. All I've been feeling is this deep sadness that I don't know how to help. My boyfriend keeps trying to fix me and I think it's pushing me further a further away. He isn't helping ANYTHING and I can't tell him that without him taking it personally. He has an apartment in my complex but lives with me... I wish I could tell him to just go there. But in the back of my mind I keep thinking that I can't do this alone. The only other person here is my gay roommate who keeps having the loudest screaming orgies I've ever heard in my life, it's awful. Its really messed up in my house lol.
I haven't taken any sub today because I've been scared of it. I keep telling myself that I can do without it, especially since I didn't have to go to work today and finally got a little bit of sleep. I still can't eat. I was already really skinny to begin with and I see my bones everywhere. I've always had weight issues though, in the way that I see myself bigger than what everyone else sees. So the borderline anorexia that is developing isn't a big deal for me. But since I'm cranky, starving, tired, hurting, and depressed.. all I want is to get high. I don't want like just a couple lortabs to make me feel normal. I want to get high and forget about this sh*tty week. My self control today isn't what it's been this past week. I keep telling myself that I can make my own decisions, and I am well aware of what I am about to do. I called my guy to see what he could get.. He could only get H. I said no... partially only because I don't have my debit card so I couldn't tell my bf I needed money for that. He would buy anything else... He just texted me and said he is bringing me an oxy... I honestly don't even think it will make me feel the way I want... I really just want to be happy again. I didn't mention it... but when my boyfriend left to his Aunt's birthday party I noticed he took his gun with him that he keeps in the bedside table. People are starting to think I'm bat sh*t...
So here I am... Home alone sober from everything. Depressed... crying all day and my eyelids have been so swollen I can't even handle it. My hair is falling out and my anxiety has sky rocketed (I stopped taking my prozac a while back because of the way it mixes with H.. no bueno) and I haven't seen the light of day today. I'm sure my roommate and his f*ckbuddies think I'm insane and my boyfriend probably thinks I'm the worst person on this planet. I'm glad he could get away from me for a while today. But when he gets home with drugs... I don't know what I'm going to do. I probably won't talk to you before then.. So I'll let you know what happens. Sorry for trying to turn you into my personal psychologist. I'm just needing advice, thoughts, concerns, experiences... You've been great to me so far
And I forgot to add... Does this affect your period? Sorry if it's a bit personal but mine has disappeared. I think it's been 2 months since I've had one..?
Oh Dear Girl..You are still so young! Please do not waste over 40 years or so with this crap like I did and many others on here.Even through I never hit my rock bottom and I was able to buy things and own all my property and such I felt like death was around the corner. I got clean when I was 56 years old..NOW that is just too much damage I created on my Brain & Body over the Years. I would like to share something with you about the Adderral. I got my hydo/oxys prescribed back in the later 90s for pain, then I went on up to the Methadone being prescribed for pain as well. I tried a taper for 10 years and what a joke that was, but I did jump from a high dose to 60mg when I got down and went to 30mg..Well that is when I started to buy Adderral and was snorting it with my Dones so I could stretch them out to last. I got so Crank up (just like my crank days in the 70-80s) that I had to take a Klons (benzo) to come down at night..OK..Well I went c/t from them 3 at once. I am telling you straight out, right here and now, that I could tell that I was also detoxing from the Adderral. It was NO fun and with the combo I had never felt so much Anxiety and my Heart pumped so hard I thought I was going to go met my maker. lol
Addiction is a Disease..LOTS of people use for many different reasons and different drugs at different times. SO when we get clean the work really begins. We have to learn to live in our own skin with out running and hiding. This is the area that takes Support like going to some Meetings or even one on one Counseling, even Church is Great. It does take SO much work to stay clean & I really believe the older we get the Harder it is to go through a Detox let alone reach out for help. Please do not take just that ONE..We can not because it will lead us right back to a 10000000. This is no joke and there is a Logical Scientific Explanation to this as well. Do some research on all of this..It will not cure you but it will help you be more intune with what is going on or will go on if you continue down this road. I do wish YOU the Best and Please try to get some Support..Also the BIG thing is that it becomes a mind f**k if you are around these drugs. We have to change people, places and things, No more playing on the swings with our old friends. Peace to You and stick around..We will hold you up the best we can, but like I said you have to have outside Support too!
I just wanted to say.. My boyfriend just came home with 2 10 mg oxys. I thought I wanted it. When he was out all I was doing was texting him about how I wanted to get high and I didn't care anymore. He came home and put them in my hand and all I could do was cry. I'm just sitting here crying looking at them on my coffee table. I don't want to do it. But I am so miserable. I feel like I want to die either way... whether I take it of not. if I take it at least I'd be okay right now. That's what I keep thinkng about... This is all just for right now. But if I took it maybe I could actually talk to my boyfriend about how I was feeling. Since yesterday I've been too depressed to talk about anything.
I'm at a fork in the road...
NO-NO-NO-!!!!!! That is just your Brain playing games on you. If you feed it just that ONE!!You could be off again to a 100000..Just like I said above in my other reply to you. There is a pleasure part of the Brain that is called the Midbrain (survival part) it remembers the pleasure and tries to trick you into using for ANY reason at all..Tell him to hide them and to NEVER show them to YOU again! This is a BIG RED FLAG! Stop and re-direct yourself to something else. Go hit a AA/NA meeting..You have so much to learn about this and also we can not be around people who are going to temp us. NO-NO walk away NOW!!!
I feel so bad :( he only did it because I asked him to. He doesn't use.. He's trying too hard to give me what I want. And to be quite honest I'm terrified of NA meetings... I'm so young and live in a not so big city.... It's so possible to see someone I know. And more so I feel like I just wouldn't fit in.. I say this because when I was about 8 my dads friend was babysitting me and his daughter and had to take us to his NA meeting.. It was all creepy drugged up old men. I haven't done anything today. I'm going to go lock myself in my bathroom and see how long I can stand to sit in a hot bath. It's all I'm thinking about though.. but somehow my brain is telling me how much I would hate myself if I took them, and I don't think I could live with myself. trying......
Either you or your boyfriend need to flush those pills. They will call your name until you do.
NA has changed since you were there last. It isnt full of creepy old men. It is full of people like you and i. Addiction doesnt discriminate.
hey i just wanted to comment on here cuz i def get what you're going through and relate. I am close to your age and have tried detoxing so so sooo many times on my own and unfortunately have never been able to do it by myself. Ive also lived in college dorms, apartments, housing, etc. similiar to the chaos you described and i remmember how much harder it was detoxing in those kind of living circumstances. I struggle with heroin addiction but before that it was oxycontin and I used to take a mix of oxycontin, adderall, xanax, and then when id go out at night id drink and/or do coke. But the opiates, adderall, and xanax were always a daily thing. Especially the opiates. When i first began this process of learning about addiction and trying to get clean, i thought all i had to do was get off the opiates. I could still take adderall, or drink, or do coke, etc, i just needed to kick the oc/heroin. What i realized though was eventually, whatever it was i took,in the end it all led back to the opiates. Using drugs is only a symptom of addiction, the real issue is the "why" we are using drugs and why we feel like we need them everyday to function. I was only able to get sober when i put the work in on myself to figure this out. However, i dont want to sound like im preaching because i have recently relapsed due to stopping putting in the work it takes to stay sober and i still have a long way to go with this disease of addiction, however, im close to you in age and have a similiar story in some regard and definitely relate to what you're going through. It also took me FOREVER to come to terms with the fact that this just isnt something we can do alone. At the end of the day, when we are using/detoxing in secret and it comes down to our minds vs. addiction, addiction will always win. I dont mean in anyway that youre a weak person, rather that addiction is a strong and powerful thing and it makes you put getting high in front of everything else that you love. it becomes the most important thing in ur life and steals everything else away from you.In my experience, when i relapsed, used, and tried to detox in secret it only amplified the shame and guilt and self hatred i felt towards myself because i was alone in it and felt like the most pathetic person ever when i'd cave and use. The addiction wants that, it wants u to feel that way so that you will go back to the drugs. Don't let it win!! I saw that u mentioned NA was weird and creepy years ago when you went but i think youd be surprised to see how different it is now. When i go to a meeting, 60% of the people there are kids my age struggling with heroin addiction, plus there are meetings that are specifically for young people if thats what you prefer. You can also try aa too as many people who are addicts still go to AA. The drug or alcohol may be different, but hte feelings we experience in addiction are the same which means aa can still be beneficial even if you dont consider yourself an "alcoholic." do you have any friends or anyone u could reach out to and be honest with? Youre doing amazing so far, especialy doing this all on your own, and holding down a job, but i think having the support of other people who get it will help so much. I promise u, as years go by, if u dont stop the drugs, things will only get worse. at least that was my experience. 5 yrs ago if u said this is where id be now i wouldve laughed in your face, i thought i was invincible. now at 24 im still strugglign with my heroin addiction, but im still trying. i hope you will do the same, i know u can do this!
Babes how are you after the long weekend? Did you survive? I am super busy with work and haven't had time to really check in but I am thinking about you tons. You really need to get some counselling. I understand the whole small town/NA fear...I'm in the same boat where I live as I have a high profile job and everyone knows me. I am not ashamed of being an addict AT ALL but it is not the best for my business. Besides, I have found amazing support in private addictions counselling and CBT. You are FOR SURE chemically depressed right now. There are probably a lot of issues going on that the drug use has been covering up. You are going to feel ALL of them as you become sober. You need help girl, plain and simple. You need to do whatever you can to get this. It is REALLY important to not look at this as a whole big picture thing., It is totally overwhelming and you are more likely to feel like F&%$ it and just use to avoid. Start with one small thing at a time that you can change. The more days of sobriety you have behind you the greater your self confidence will become. You will feel depressed for sure as your brain desperately tries to regulate after being chemically altered for so long. You definitely have some pain and suffering that is real and not drug induced. You owe it to yourself to get support and start the healing process. No one does this alone. It's crazy how when we start really giving up on believing that we are alone and truly asking for help the kind of support the Universe will provide.
I really believe you can do this.
I feel a bit like a Mama Bear right now towards you. Please take a step forward and go talk to someone, anyone in REAL life (not just the internet) about your problem. You do not have to carry this weight alone.
Sending you hugs from my heart...
Wow! your doing great, also basically your almost a full week! I'm sure after 2 weeks for sure you woudn't wanna go back due to knowing what these pills put us through as well! God bless and best of luck!
Check in girl. Thinking about you. Please let us know how you are