4 weeks of Vicodin, now what!!!!!

[Bluebelle3]

how do you get through the depression part of recovery from Vicodin. I have it really bad right now.I took it for 5 years 1-4 pills per day and have struggled for the last 4 years trying to quit.I'm on week 4 no pills now. I have trouble with sleeping, today while i was working i just started crying out of the blue, i was supposed to hang out with a friend but i just cant imagine being around anyone. I drove home from work thinking how I have no friends, yet even if i did, i still feel as if i can't be around anyone!! I'm miserable.  Vicodin stole my loves, my friends, my social life away. I have two jobs, a 12 year old son whom thank God I've managed to raise somewhat unaffected by my problem (the worst was lack of money due to me spending it all on Vicodin!) I feel like the worst person in the world, i pray but i can't feel God, i cant feel anything.....is this something someone else has felt? how long until my days will all blend back to normal...will i even remember what normal looks like after all this time ive spent escaping all my feelings and emotions by masking them with pills! I feel lost on an island, and no way back home. Someone please tell me something to give me some HOPE

[Nursey7]

I hope you don't have to keep it a secret forever because that makes it so much harder for you.  When I first came on here it was a secret too.  It's so sad really isn't it?  Any other disease we wouldn't hide from our loved ones.  This is a horrible disease in that respect; we feel so ashamed.  It's as if we chose this life for ourselves, like we woke up one day and said " I think I will be an addict."  And your right God gives us only what we can handle.  He provided a way out for you at a crucial time and has protected your son.  Be grateful and thankful for that.  I told a friend, then my pastor, my pharamcist and another friend before I told my husband of 18 years!!  I look at that now and think that was sure messed up thinking.  He has been supportive, granted he dosen't really "get it" but he hasn't judged me or any of the crazy things I was thinking.  I truly believe that was the devil trying to lure me back into that world.  By me not telling anyone he had me right where he wanted me!!  Today at church during the time you can go up to the altar, kneel and pray I broke down and cried like a baby.  The tears wouldn't stop and I like you think of how much time I wasted.  My pastor got on the ground, hugged me and said forgive yourself because he has a long time ago.  I felt better after that. We have got to learn to close the door on that part of our life, run and don't look back.  I don't mean to forget about it as it will always be a part of us but don't let it hold us down for what is yet to come.  Anyway I am babbling like you now ;-)  Please , please know that you are NEVER alone!!!

[kyle505]

Telling your secret is very important, but you have to decide if and when. The problem is, and you know this, that if you have no accountability, then that allows you to do what you want - and that often leads to relapse.
I told my wife; I had to. I was ashamed, embarrassed, humbled by the experience. I was not the husband and father she thought I was. 15 years of lies came flowing out. Some of the things I told her, like stealing pain meds from my mom who was dying of cancer, well, I couldn't look at her as I spoke.
She is now a very big part of my support system and doesn't let me slide back. You really need to find someone that will questions you, call you on a stupid decision you're about to make, listen to you when you are weak and doubting yourself.  I'm almost 9 months clean. If I hadn't told my wife about my addiction, I'd have relapsed several times by now. I hope you can find someone. All the best.

[freelysurrendering]

I want you to know you are not alone  I'm sure you can see that...everything you are feeling I have felt the not being able to trust anyone hanging up on the hotlines all of it...please if you ever need to talk you can message me any time I'm on here a lot. It will all pass every day gets a little better.it is a good idea to force yourself to go out and take your mind off how you feel .

[Bluebelle3]

thank you guys for respondning. truth is, i dont have anyone to tell this secret to, i am too ashamed.i know how incredibly immature that sounds, but i simply dont trust anyone enough not to judge me and or not tell anyone else.  i dont know when and if i ever willtell my secret. i  called a few hotlines just to be able to tell someone but every hotline i have called they either have a messaging system or someone puts me on hold long enough for me to give up. this has been my only outreach and it feels good just to have you guys respond and say ANYTHING to me, anything at all..so thank thank thank you for your support and replies, especially the big hug bc i need that big time. i know that everything that is missing from my life is because i choose to replace it with Vicodin, that it wont be over night that i have this wonderful life back, that it took 5 years to destroy the person i was, and it will take a while to rediscover who i am. i think a lot of the depression is simply mourning the joy i missed out the past 5 years, looking out into the desert i have to cross to ge back to the other side of life. a life worth living, a life where i give my true self to others and take care of them emotionally and mentally instead of escaping with drugs. I can only credit God that i managed to remain a good mother to my son, i am one of the lucky ones for sure. Love is strong, stronger than addiction. And i always heard God speak to me in regards to my son, isnt that a miracle? i think my son is a very special person to this world that he was so protected. thanks for listening to me blabber, it feels so good to vent. ;)  

[vicki595]

It's great that you're a month clean. Yes, the depression is part of it and it does go away but sometimes you need to help it along...

Some folks take AD's. Some take St.Johns Wart or SamE which are natural supplements. Exercise helps more than you can know.

Also, aftercare in the form of therapy, meetings, AA, etc...really helps and we encourage it.   Stay close here, there's lots of support.

[Nursey7]

Oh honey if I was there right now I would give you a big hug.  This is all part of it but it does get better.  I am at day 44 free from Vicodin.  I still struggle with some ups and downs but am feeling a lot better.  I still cry for no reason at all but after I do I usually feel better.  I don't know who you have to lean but I hope there is someone and it's not a secret.  Even if you don't feel God he is still there listening and watching every tear you cry.  I will send you a note on my prayer I have used please read it because it does help.  You are doing the right thing, you say your son is 12 and this is a very impressionable age and he doesn't need to see any of the drama this pill brings.  Please remember you used for 5 years and it's just 4 weeks; you are still very early in your recovery as am I.  I want it to be all better now too!!  Your brain needs to heal.  I am going to try some of those amino acids that are on this site and see if that helps.  They sound great and I see where they have worked.  Go check it out; It's at the bottom right on this page.  I posted on here several times " I can't do this anymore" but here I am getting my life back and proud of it and you should be too.  Keep posting we are all on your side.  I hope you get some relief tonight.

[kyle505]

You were using for a very long time. Like you, I wanted normal NOW, but that's not how it works.  You will take a while to heal physically, and, as you've discovered, the mental part of recovery is the most difficult; and it is with us for life. You also associate everything with using - visiting friends, social occasions, going to the movies, vacations, and on and on. You have to experience these things clean - make new memories and associations.
And stop beating yourself up -  you have things to do and are wasting time on self pity. You are not "the worst person in the world" - you are an addict, like me, like hundreds of others.
I'm bumping up on 9 months clean. And I can tell you that life after pills is wonderful. Even a bad day clean is sooo much better than my best day using. That's a promise. We're here for you.