Not sure what I'm asking but need something!

[Wordsrweapons]

Hello all! I've been reading a few of these threads and notice alot of them are about methadone. Wish I had found this site sooner! Seriously.

So anyway, my story. I'm prescribed 75 mg daily. I get 2 weeks a time which is the most they allow. I've been at the clinic 5 years now sadly. It wasn't supposed to go this long.
I got to 100mg wgen I initially started but went back to 80 and kinda just stayed. I actually got down to 60 but I ran into a "friend" at the clinic that I had a falling out with about a year ago not ironically due to methadone. We had started using together and then started the clinic together. Anyway we got to talking and she told me she can get extra bottles to buy anytime.
Well dumb me was all like Great! I can take extra on some days that I feel like it.
That has now turned into buying 3 bottles a week taking 3xtra every day. I'm not rich and this is costing me dearly and Not just financially. I'm crabby, feel like ****, get extremely tired at night and can't drive long distances.

I'm married with 2 young kids. My family is a main reason I want to quit bit also the reason or excuse I make to not quit. I can't go through WD AND take care of everything. I also just started a new job after not working since my baby was born (she was a preemie and needed lots of care).

The WD is my biggest fear. I've read a lot on it and heard some times it can take a year or more to feel normal. I suffer severe depression and anxiety and fear those will get worse during WD.  
It's strange. I really want to not be free from this ball n chain but I just don't do a damn thing about it. Now that I've been taking extra I feel doomed. I was doing ok just on my dose alone but now I haven't taken just my dose in 3 months.

How do I help myself? My anxiety keeps me from mtgs. I've gone and had some bad experiences. I live in a rural area and have to go into the city to find one. I just don't know. I can't believe this stuff is legal.

My husband doesn't use, never has. Works his butt off to take care of us. He is not supportive of the stuff at all. He does pay for it tho since I don't work and am on his insurance which covers this "treatment".

Anyone have any insight or advice?  

[10356]

Hello Wordsweapons. Welcome to the forum. You can start a taper yourself. When you first started the clinic and was on100mg when you tapered did you feel it? A lot of peps that get on the higher doses do not feel the drop till around 50mgs our so with a taper.. We are all different but it is a way off this amount and back to your maintenance dose Once there you may decide to continue. Dealing with the bathroom the nodding when sitting The lack of emotions being chained to home It all gets old. You can do this you can get back Just set your mind to do what is in yours and your family's best interest.. Take care, lesa

[Wordsrweapons]

You bring up a good point. No I didn't feel it. I only ever felt it when i would go short due to taking extra from a different bottle. Something to ponder I guess. Thanks!

[10356]

Your Welcome! You can do this! the guilt it takes away sure does make it worth it.. You can also drop a lil more then they would at the clinic You will need to be the judge but it should not be too difficult.. Letting someone in would be helpful for support..

[motye51]

Just wondering....perhaps it's subconciously....but this is what you posted.....
"It's strange. I really want to not be free from this ball n chain but I just don't do a damn thing about it."
I really want to NOT be free....
What are you looking to do?  Are you wanting to get off of methadone all together?  Get your life back?  From reading what you wrote I see that the "down time" will be an issue for you, however, you can't get off the meds without going down for a little while.  You can talk to your dr and make a taper plan, long and slow.....
You must make a plan and you MUST have support!  I told my family and they rallied around me.....kids don't stop us from using, so they can't be our reason to not quit!  It will be hard, and you will feel "lousy" for awhile, but these are ALL temporary!  We eventually get better.  I and others I'm sure would totally help you with a plan to accomplish this!  Post again!

[Wordsrweapons]

Thanks for the feedback! Yes i want off. More than anything really. Well, besides winning the lottery but it's right up there.
Does tapering to 0 really work? And if so, how does one feel at after that? I imagine there's still WD.
I don't know anyone that's done it that way. I just hear of people going cold turkey.

It's just stupid. I get so mad at myself. I really screwed up this time and don't know how to fix it.