A first time for the last time...

Question

Hello my MH family...
During the last 3 weeks, I have been quiet on the forum, as guilt has kept me from posting.  When I relapsed at the end of March, I didn't feel worthy to post anything.  NA tells me differently, I CAN post my feelings here without judgement or discrimination on this forum.  I never left this site....every day, I read posts of experience strenth and hope.  So I didn't get it the first time, so what.  The point is, I will NEVER stop trying.  Thank you all for sharing the relapse stories....this is so much harder than quitting the booze.  Had a visit with my sponsor last night, just being with her gave me the spirit of hope.  I was not alone.  I have a home group at AA, a closed discussion group, and a home NA group at our local hospital.
Going back after a while is so shameful to me, and I fear judgement.  But it was I that was judging others, thinking that THEY were judging me.  Finally got that.  My ego thought that I was the biggest piece of crap that the world evolved around.  
Anyway, glad to be back, I love you all....blessings on another 24 hours for all of us...

jugglin · Answer

So happy to see you back and thank you for sharing your story.  I love the part about your ego/judgment.  Keep up the fight and keep posting!

odaat1 · Answer

Good morning my friends...thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post.  Reading one after one, I got stronger.  I am so grateful that I shared with you all because I am only as sick as my secrets.  I know I am not alone, this is a "we" thing.  
Aftercare is my saving grace right now, and with this forum, I have a "meeting" at my fingertips!!
Wishing us all another 24 hours.!

msdelight · Answer

Hi Oddat. I'm so glad you posted about this. You hung on to us and your aftercare too and that is very impressive! You are going to get it this time, just shake it off, learn from it and keep moving forward. I'm here if you need tp talk or laugh or wh,atever.  Don't be so hard on yourself! Just keep swimming!

Sarah11212 · Answer

I love your attitude that you "will never stop trying to get clean"!
Relapses happen but you have to get back up and get yourself straightened out again.  
Never ever give up the fight...
I do agree that early on in our recovery, aftercare of some form is a must.
Find what works for you and make it a part of your life.  Counseling, outpatient, meetings, sponsor, working the steps...  
Just don't ever give up and know that you will never be judged here.  We are all addicts and here for the same reason.

gnarly_1 · Answer

Hey girl good to see you good to see you clean  relapse s u c k the life from you the sham and imbasment haunt you and make you feel like a fool I know I did my doctor told me...''Mark you dont loose the war if you dont quit fighting'' I got past it and so will you im impressed with your aftercare I hit 4 N/A meetings a week work the steps have a sponsor and really believe that the program works just know your always welcome here and at N/A relapse or not keep the faith good luck and God bless.................Gnarly..................................

ricart70 · Answer

"The biggest piece of crap that the world revolved around"        Just when I thought I had heard it all! and I have heard a lot  ;)))     Just keep trying my friend. It's all we really can do. I don't know what the statistics are on people who keep trying but I am pretty sure the percentages are pretty low for those who don't. Don't be down on yourself friend. We have all been there and none of us are as bad as we or miscellaneous slogans say we are.

ActingBrandNew · Answer

Glad your back! Keep up the fight!

kyle505 · Answer

Personally, I relapsed over and over for 15 years, so who am I to cast the first stone? Now, having said that (and you know this) there is never, ever a reason to relapse, only an excuse, and your addict's brain will come up with millions of them. Don't be too hard on yourself, but feeling a little guilt is better than feeling no guilt at all. 
The folks on this site don't judge; they (me) may react strongly sometimes because we want you to succeed. Now get back up and get going. 
K

dominosarah · Answer

I am glad you are back and giving it your all again.  This is a "we"thing~

Amandag78 · Answer

Oh and yes, i agree with clean-in-ks, we are our own worst critic.

Amandag78 · Answer

Hey you. Absolutely glad your back !!!
Your a gorgeous person.
Dont you ever feel shame or guilt. You know we would never judge you, ever, ever...
You have tried so darn hard and we can all appreciate that. 
We can also appreciate how difficult getting clean is.
I do not know one person who has tried to quit the first, second or third time successfully.
It takes a few relapses from most for us to realise we do want to stay stopped.
Your an asset on this forum and i love you posting. So with that said, we all love you and your stories. They encourage us all.
Dont you disappear again and i wont either 
                : )   xoxo

motye51 · Answer

Love to see posts like that! I'm so glad your back and never be ashamed as we are all addicts and we are all in the same boat! Loving the fact that your going to N/A...I have found it extremely helpful in staying clean. All they kept saying, over and over, keep coming back, get a sponser, and work the damn steps! I meet w/ my sponsor once a week and so far, it's working! It's truly the best decision I've ever made for myself! Keep going, I've made good friends, good fellowship and good times to come! I am currently 98 days clean! Always post, we can't hold this **** in!!!!

clean_in_ks · Answer

Clarification:

When I said this above "I don't know about you.....but the worst critic, the toughest judge...is ME!"      I meant..."I" am my own worst critic/judge...of myself.

weaver71 · Answer

You made me think of my early days. I had to prove without a single doubt that my life was out of my control and was totally unmanageable. I gave it every shot I had, I just knew I could find a way to control my life again, I was obsessed with the idea. Well, I guess it was the near death experiences that convinced me, but it was more like the dying of my spirit that tortured me. Still, I gave it a fair chance, the drugs don't help anything. I proved it the hardest way I know how and barely lived, but that's what it takes for me I guess. 2 1/2 years of failed attempts to stop, taper madness, cold turkey insanity, and finally I stopped, you are talking to some seriously chronic, hard headed, to smart for their own good drug addicts. We just want to see you succeed, come as you are, we will all work together to be better, we always have that.

onthefence · Answer

dont Ever give up! it can happen to anyone of us at anytime, we must keep trying one day at a time!Glad your here!

clean_in_ks · Answer

SOOOO glad you came back and posted girl....!!  

I don't know about you.....but the worst critic, the toughest judge...is ME!

Sounds like you have worked thru a lot, learned a lot, and have some great support systems and accountability in place.  (hope you've eliminated your "source(s)", too)

Guilt and worry can keep us from living in the here and now.....and I'm so glad you've decided to give this all you've got.....right here....right now~

Welcome back girl~

Pjtwenty · Answer

I've relapsed recently and I'm back!!  Glad you are too I'm on day 2.

Readytolive31 · Answer

I also had a relapse and feared posting about it, but I had to for ME! I am now back on day 4 and I'm going to do things differently this time around. Keep up the good work and I wish you the best of luck!! :))

weaver71 · Answer

Our local meetings hunt people down. The last person to relapse was found face down on a resterataunt table drunk on tequilla and full of pain pills. Her sponsor took her to a meeting and we all shared with her in mind. We ask a high person not to speak until the end of the meeting. I love that, we are only as sick as our secrets, so I think that method has helped some, others just go out anyway. You are not gonna be judged, if you are, we will rally around you and protect you from those flying arrows. STay in the middle of the recovery circle, people with more time can take the blow with more grace.