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A personal victory...

Ok I will try to keep this short (yeah right).  So I have been craving pretty bad lately..Last night I get a call from someone that was in the hospital.  She is fine (fell on her knee and needed an x-ray), but she needed a ride home.  

I was really not happy because the hospital she was at is not close to my house and I am exhausted lately, but I went anyway.. In the back of my mind, I guess kind of subconsciously, I was sort of scheming to get my hands on her stuff.  I was thinking the whole drive up there about using - because she has pills.  She isn't an addict,  but she always carries.  She has lots of rx pain pills because she has chronic pain.  Her scripts always last her weeks past their refill dates and she always has extra.  

Ok so here I am, I go into the ER.. I find her in the back.  They are taking her for an x-ray and it happens.  She hands me her purse and asks me to hold it while she finishes up.  Instant sweat.  Instant anxiety.. but the good kind.. that feeling of anxious, excitement in the pit of my stomach combined with the bad kind of anxiety where I cant breath and there is a ringing in my ears.  Common sense and addiction are immediately at an all out war in my head.  

I am sitting basically alone in the waiting room.  I can HEAR the G'DAM pills shaking around in the bottle as I uncomfortably fidget in my seat.  Get up.  Sit down.  Move seats.  Move again.  I am sweating.  I am short of breath.  

I am ABSOLUTELY raging and screaming in my head "F**K IT-I'm taking some"  before I can complete the thought reasoning sets in and quietly, calmly and reassuringly I say "no, you can do this"  

I feel like a third person watching a battle.  This goes on for about 15 mins.  Yes/No.  Yes/No.  

NO won out people!!!!  My common sense and reasoning and desire to stay clean won.  I am so proud and never thought, even up until the end of last night's inner argument that NO would win.  What a great way to end my day.  Not a good situation to be in at all, but I think I needed to prove to myself that I could do it as I was feeling so low and so down about myself.  I wouldn't want to go through it again but it was a definate confidence booster.
21 Responses
Avatar universal
You kicked some butt last nite that is a great story, I think I would have had to take her to get her script fiied if you knwo what i mean, some body would have stolen her purse took out only the pain meds and then gave her ourse back, you should have been there it was just amazing, I think you get the pic, that would have been my story to her anyway. You did great and if a GIRL can do it then I know a MAN can do it LOL your tuffer than me thats for sure. This will help a lot of people.
918457 tn?1244645682
Ouch. I can deffinantly relate to the holding someones purse thing. I am confronted with this same situation, every day. There is no way to avoid it unfortunantly. However, I just keep the attitude that "Way too many people depend on me to not even think about it". I think you got caught when you where not expecting it.

I had made up my mind 5 days ago that I would use "just on the weakend". So i spent a couple days beating that thought down and now I am focused and determined to stay clean.

You have made it soooo far and overcome so much. I think that experiance has likely made you even stronger.
Avatar universal
I couldnt do it everyday.  No way.   Eventually I'd get beat.  Its like whenever I am remotely around it, or even anticipate being around it, my head goes into auto-pilo and schemeing mode - its like second nature to plan for and execute the score..  Even now I do it.. I catch myself sometimes and Im like 'WTF?? Why do I think like this!!??'

Yeah - just on weekends doesnt work.  Learned that lesson already.  Its like you have to rewire your brain in a way.. its a constant work in progress.  
Avatar universal
Wow girl..great job. I honestly dont know if I could have excercised that same kind of restraint. To hear them rattling in her purse...good lord they would have been calling my name. I am very proud of you. To be able to do that you have come further then you could ever imagine. Keep up the amazing willpower!

918457 tn?1244645682
Just out of curiousity. Is there anyone in your life that can hold you accountable? I set up a bunch and I think that helps. Being allone and confronted with a situation like that can be even harder. Especially if not many of your closest friends or family knows about your addiction and recovery.

Of course holding yourself accountable is the most important thing. But I guese what I am saying is, I am trying to make it so, that if I do relapse, the repurcussions will be much worse than just becomming an addict again. I stand to lose many things this time. Relapse is not an option. Cravings are still a hard battle though.
Avatar universal
Mostly everyone I'm close to knows that I am an addict.  My fiancee knows.  Problem is -my last relapse I told him and felt guilty and all that good person stuff... made the appopriate promises and really meant it and really felt the guilt.  The following weekend, used again - but didn't say a word to anyone and no one knew.. it got easier to lie each weekend that went by... I didnt have a huge relapse to begin with when this happened, the amount was small - a few here, a few there-only on the weekend.. but I scared myself with how easily I was able to lie and not even feel bad about it.  That particular fact is what got me to stop again with no problem.  The fact that I was slipping so easily, not into heavy use, but into old behaviors.  Once an addict. . . always an addict.  I am my own biggest fan and worst enemy.  
442658 tn?1563386491
yay....i m so darn proud of you...that was a hard test but you passed....i had the same thing happen when my mom got darvocet....i had to pick them up at the pharmacy for her...oh the thoughts that went through my mind but i was determined not to even look at them...and i didn t.....i feel we all get tested at times and we just gotta stay strong...i m so happy for you...keep thinking positive...maria
Avatar universal
I notice when/if I am around them my mind goes into scheme mode too. I think its just such a habit that its something I will always have to be aware of and know how to give myself the pep talk to not do it. I have a relative that always has for chronic pain and everytime I visit its sooo hard to not make a trip to the restroom. Its ridicolous what kind of a person those damn things can make us be.
711224 tn?1344771687
Amazing story r2r........ Your 3rd person as you called it might be your conscience!!!
Keep up the great job.
All my strength and love.
xoxoxo. sophie.
918457 tn?1244645682
Well, make no mistake. You are the expert here. I have not triumphed as you have yet. I know in the back of my head I am the same way and could as easily fall back in. But I am going to ignore those thoughts and pretend relapsing just simply is not an option.

151 days clean is amazing. So you must be doing something right. Many people look up to you on MH. I am starting to talk all big and confident, but the likely truth is i can slip up at any moment. At least you know if anyone here had to hold your purse, there would be no problem and no rattling.
611067 tn?1458591483
Well, you lived up to your screenname here!  You refused to be bound by those damn pills again!  I'm so proud of you!  Thanks for sharing this story since I'm sure it will help others who find themselves in a similar situation!  

WOOHOO!!!!  

Congrats and Hugs,
Janet
Avatar universal
Congratulations!!   Now you know how strong you really are. Time to quit testing!! Its really a testimonial that you were blind sided and still passed the test...........
Avatar universal
Heck no I am not an expert LOL.. I am just learning all this stuff... This is my first attempt at sobriety in years and years.  Trial and error.  Still in the very early process of figuring myself out..but I think what is working the most now is knowing exactly what you said "I can slip up at any moment".  Knowing this and finally accepting it for truth has helped me stay clean.
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Way to go!!!  I am proud of you!!!  See you are stronger than you think!!!!        sara
Avatar universal
Just saw you post and wanted to say a loud shout out to you -  way to go girl.  You have proven you CAN do it.  I guess having people in your life that know of your struggles are a big key.  I hope you can share with this woman what happened to you that night -- it will help both of you.  She must realize what it does to us addicts to give us access to opiates.  All the best my friend and keep on 'refusing bondage'.  It is so worth it.   Ochealed
Avatar universal
I am so proud of you RB! When we are put in those situations and the mind starts thinking those crazy thoughts it is very difficult to get through, but being the tough *** jersey girl you are, of course you made it through:) Congrats on all that clean time, you rock. If I could only soften you up, haha.
Avatar universal
WAY  TO GO!!!!!  You have an extreme amount of courage and strength!!!! Kudos to you.
452063 tn?1324074916
Great job r2r. If that happened to me right now, I think I would cave.....still kinda weak. You know before I used I know that I was not in these situations like I am now. Someone told me I just didn't notice them but I swear pills are trying to get me so many ways.....sounds kinda schizo but true. Great job winning out over that demon. God bless, Corey
230262 tn?1316645934
omg i can only imagine...hearing the fricken things bouncing around in the bottles, wow wow wow Im so proud of you!! that is the ultimate temptation! Im so glad you showed such strength and pulled through! WTG girl!!
Avatar universal
That is one more layer of armor for your recovery!! Happy to hear you found the strenght to turn away temptation!
401095 tn?1351391770
know the feeling! wait it out...wait it out..wait it out!

i took care of a friend way into my clean time and thought i could handle the oxies...i even had him lock them in the car//oxy wasnt even my doc...he fell asleep and i got the keys//was gonna get one out of the car..came close..so close..it was a very enlightning experience..sad but enlightening..we will never have control ...so dont beat urself up..i did and all it did was make me feel worse..itis hard for an addict to smell pills..sux but true...dont feel like u r alone..cos itwoulda happened to most of us...u r a great ad strong person..this i know..and i hold lots of respect for u...u will come out on the right side of the situation...i know u will
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