Help, please

[Me1025]

Well you all know where I have benn and what I've gone through uo to thid point. So I'm supposed to go back to work tonight, checked into my hotel (i work out of town), was unacking and there are six little blue pills. Right now I am shaking so hard its hard to type....I don't want to take them but need someone to tell me its gonna be ok. I no longer have anyone with me, I'm all alone and feel incredibly vulnerable. Why can't I flush them? I need to find strength from within but I don't know how. Oh God please see me through!!!

[petroglyph54]

Geez all those years of druggin you should have learned to lie better! The tears, and the sweat and breathing and flushing is our tormented bodies trying to rid the poison, I think? The parrot's there. Gotta crash, I didn't mean I would look to score, I'll just look and pay more attention. I'm there to be clean as well. Good night, I'll check in tomorrow

[Me1025]

You and that parrot room, every time you mention it I laugh and I don't know why. No please don't score at the meetings, the rehab I was in once would make us all go to meetings each evening...well of course I was in the group of people that were forced into rehab my one means or another, not ready to give it up, so of course if there is a will there is a way.

I guess it would all be different now since I actually want to stay clean...I just gotta do it!! Yeah crying has been a big part of my detox, I've kept it all so bottled up for years, hidden it with the drugs that now it just keeps coming. Not to convenient though when I start crying at a pts bedside for no apparent reason..I can alwayts blame it on hormones, right?

Well I hope you get some more sleep tonight!

[petroglyph54]

Thanks Me! I never considered scoring there? Thanks, I'll look around. Not to score, I never needed to. Mine were all legal. There was one there relapsed, felt sorry for him. And one there, forced to by the law. There's definately folks from every walk of life. I like variety anyway. Oops, I accidentally lied, I use to by weed. Yeah, I choke up way more often then I'm supposed to seeing as how I'm a macho guy and all. Of course they give a person the opportunity to speak at the mtg's, and it's all I can do to not choke? But, but that's really also part of the good stuff we been missing, it is for me. As I'm cleaning out, I'm noticing that I might not have had a lot of feelings for a while? If I gotta cry than that's just the way it's gonna be, I never done much of it and it's cleansing and any body can't handle it don't have to like me or they can go away. I gotta turn some of this over to the Lord myself, do what I can and let some chips fall where their going to anyway. I wanna apologize if I'm preaching. It's helping me until it ain't. Theirs definatel a bit of a revolving door going on there. But so are the spendy clinics etc. You just don't see the same bunch there a lot mostly cuz of the cost. I'm just barely starting to learn about recovery, I already know plenty about drugs! Last night I slept from midnight [in the parrot room] till 1 a.m., one stinking hour, sheesh. I woke up staring at the clock and I was feeling like I did in day 3 or 4. It happens, it's common. It ain't over till it's over? Glad to see your back! Bet it feels good, with your new secret weapon, sobriety!

[Me1025]

Hey. Back at work tonight for the first time since by detox, feels weird for some reason. Was wanting to go to a meeting, unfortunately in this small town, they on;y have meetings at night (of course when I'm working), so maybe when I get back into the city I'll have more options.

i find myself growing more inp[atient with myself for some reason. I'm very emotional, will cry at a Pepsi commercial :) Still not getting alot of sleep and food is pretty gross, but I guess I have to choke it down...yuck! Nothing tastes good for some reason but oh well.

Glad to hear your going to meetings everyday and I'm glad its helping you.  I don't know why I'm so leary about them, prob from past experiences where I could find more drugs at those meetings then I thought would be possible. For some reason I can always spot whos using and I'm drawn to them, so just gotta get past my fears and do it.

[petroglyph54]

One foot in front of the other there Me. Your right. I'm a work in progress myself. Did you do a drive by? It makes me feel gooder about things. I just got back from my fifth in 5. They were roasting some fine young man for 18 months. Tough to stifle myself at times. I knew you would be strong. I am amazed at my blessings. Pt, kicked my butt today, as always. It's probably the only way or for now the best way other than being clean, to fix myself. I want it. A kaleidoscope of feelings coming. Guess I didn't realize all the things I wasn't feeling. N/A so far has been fun, weird hunh? I'm just comfortable around a bunch of folks, young and old that got some real things to relate, about the life we've had, I guess I can't tell ya, you probably know more about it than I. Just want you to know, wondering how your doin?

[Me1025]

Thank you fro your prayers!  God has been so good to me, watching over me, pulling me out of the grips of my own hell several times over the yrs. It is by His grace that I am here today. I have lways had a hard time giving all over to God, but each day I surrender a bit more. My life these days is all comprised of baby steps, each step bringing me closer to where I need/want to be.

[fishman10]

Wow my phone started wiggin out sayin how much strength from god. Just know god is love and will only lead you in the right direction. A perfect direction out of the hell the drugs would like you to live in. You will only b amazed how everything will start falling into place it will be perfect t. God bless and good job

[fishman10]

Awesome on the flush that was one of the hardest things you could ever have to reall with. Those freakin things are nothing less than demons and wicked wicked ones I might add. I will say a prayer right now. I found that the best thing I could have ever done was turn it over to god and asked god to take my will and give me the strength to defeat the demons. For me I'm very spiritual and only can get through day to day with god as my shield. I highly recommend you turn it over to god and ask him to take control of your life and guide you through. I myself get huge help and strengthfrqom god. j

[fishman10]

Awesome on the flush that was one of the hardest things you could ever have to reall with. Those freakin things are nothing less than demons and wicked wicked ones I might ad. I will say a prayer right now. I found that the best thing I could have ever done was turn it over to god and asked god to take my will and give me the strength to defeat the demons. For me I'm very spiritual and only can get through day to day with far as my shield.

[petroglyph54]

Laughter is good medicine, you helped make my day as well...headed to the parrot room

[Me1025]

Man you are hysterical! Giant parrot :) LOL...yeah all the NA meeting up here seem to be in churches so I don't think the head shop excuse might work, but I'm working up my courage. They didn't have any tonight, but once I get back to the city later in the week, there are numerous meeting I can go to, plus for some added courage I'm goona drag my sister with me (she doesn't know yet) but whatever it take right.

Thanks for making me laugh, I was literally laughing for a good 5 minutes and actually still am something about you in a garage, reading labels and the parrot...anyways thanks again I needed a good laugh

[petroglyph54]

Mel we need help to stay clean. I'm not craving but I gotta believe these good people that have went before me, that getting clean is 1/3 and staying clean is harder. So, I'm actually enjoying going, I'm looking for some tools to stay clean in case the "pros" are actually correct, they seem to be with everything I've learned from them so far. But for you, whatever it's gonna take, is what I want for you ok? I don't care if it's a smoke tp, with the locals, zen, meditation, acupuncture [which I want to try] hypnosis [which I want to do again] just want you to get the care you need. We you and us, need you back from wherever it is we've been. Na's working great for me as is this forum, I could not have ever believed this is where I would be now in my life, but here I am. How bout doin a drive by and lookin? If that's ok, maybe just walk by, if that's pretty harmless go in there by accident claiming you thougt it was a music store or a head shop? How far to the next town [rhetorical], how about where you dwell, some towns are big enough for more than one place and they are all listed on the web. Click on it, and the selection will tell you when where, and some meetings are for women only, if that matters. There's also a phone #, which maybe will let you talk to one of the moderator's, and ask them? Come on Mel, let's kick some booty on this one! My sweet wife just told me that no matter how quiet I think I am goin out in the garage it rattles a giant copper parrot hanging over our bed! Glad you can laugh again, I'm getting all kinds of feelings I've been missing

[quitinoxys]

I see an addictionologist and she has made all the difference in my recovery. She helped me see the reasons for my addiction and gave me the tools to fight it. So keep up the good fight I am pulling for you.

[Me1025]

you make me laugh, I'm just picturing you in the garage @ 3am reading labels with flashlights. Alothough I don't know what you look like, still made me laugh. I think I will go get some them, because that RLS drives me crazy!!

Was looking into NA meetings today, presently I am out of town so I looked around here but for some reason my anxiety went through the roof. I know its annymous, but in such a small town, where I work on contract would I be putting my job in jeporady? Seems silly but it freaks me out for some reason.

Crazy shrink?! Yep thats what I need. I always felt the same way to when I was in recovery from coke. How can someone who's never been there even begin to tell me what I've gone through, what I'm going through. Hopefully the addictionologist will be helpful, well I'm just scared is what it comes down to, down right scared.

[petroglyph54]

Ditto what Rick said about the Hylands RLS, It works well and fast and taste's ok. I was kickin like a horse till I found where they were "stashed". No sleep, out in the garage about 3 in the morning reading the label with a flashlight, didn't know they were sublingual. I just have to go with what I've read here from the "pros" about aftercare, I want to shun it like a bad habit. Today I went to na, which definately ain't for everyone. But, I guess it's a personal choice with what works for you, That's all that matters. In 54 years I could never imagine ME in some kind of anonymous bs. I couldn't possible need that, could eye? I like it cuz I've got something in common with every single person in there. I'm not bringing any of them home, not saying I won't. I just can't go somewhere where somebody is gonna give me all the advice and has no personal knowledge of what you and I've done for the last few days. So I guess that means if I need a shrink I should find one that's crazy? The price is really right, and like they said today, the program is really portable, you are welcome at all meetings all the way across the country! And, again everyone's anonymity is held near and dear. I can't say as I know the same for a clinic? And did I mention it's a lot cheaper? One or two meetings nothing to sign promise, if you don't like it don't go back, and no refund necessary, No papers to fill out. Cool, Great Job Mel!

[quitinoxys]

Great job on flushing those evil pills. I myself had a similar experience while on travel and I know how hard it is to deal with when you are away from home and loved ones. How long have you been clean? As far as aftercare it is essential for recovery as it gives you insight into why we use and how to stay clean. or the RLS have you tried Hylands RLS formula it works great. I hope you feel better and I will pray for you. God Bless---Rick

[Me1025]

thanks for your nice words!

[Me1025]

Yeah I like how you said it feels like peanut butter is running through your veins..so true! I sure wish I did feel better, my body still aches all over and I to am having trouble with the RLS. Today I'm having alot o trouble with my underlying pain issues, just trying to breathe through it. I find that my thoughts are racing, I find myself trying to make a plan to go get more without even realizing I'm doing which has hit me like a ton of bricks that its time ti get into aftercare asap or I know me to well and those plans will become a reality. Whch brings me back to questioning whether or not I need inpatient treatment, I guess my appointment this week with the addictionologist will give me more insight into that and hopefully she can help me make a plan. One day at a time, I can do this.

[wantoutofhell]

I (and I'm NOT alone!!!) am SOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!  You are such a winner!

[petroglyph54]

Buenos dios Mel, I got a visual of you flushing the demons. It was that tv commercial where the guy flushes candles and rags and everything he has trying to need the "hottie" plumber gal working next door. Ha ha. I hope these sneaky rotten scoundrels quit showing up out of unsuspected places. I know there's a couple chips out in my car,,,gotta do something about that. Then there's some in my wife's possesion "just in case". I probably better do something there too. So far I'm handling pain better than I thought. I just started day 8, I'm givin myself a big "whoo hoo" on that. Excellent you made it through your shift. Nights were tough for me. Still not sleeping much,  My whole body feels like  I got peanut butter flowing in my veins, headache sweats etc. I wanted to share the night before, the rls kicked in big time. Night 6 laying in bed and kicking like a horse. Very irritating. I had some "hylands restless leg pills", I'd never looked at them before, found out they are sub-lingual and dissolve in seconds, and go to work very fast, I was impressed. Got some z's.
Next thing,,,,, Last night I went to my second night in a row to n/a. Hadn't you mentioned before that you'd been in an earlier time in life? It's easy, the hardest part is making yourself go to the building and go in the first time. I was a teensy bit leary? I went in, no problem, I've been around people who've used drugs my whole life, knew I didn't have to say anything, [which was good, cuz I'm still in a little wd's] There's no charge other than what you want to throw into the hat, and you can walk out anytime without saying anything. Nothing to sign, no record of you ever being there. The second letter in na stands for anonymous, which I think everyone there holds pretty near and dear to their hearts as well. Which ever way you go, good luck and your beating this demon one day at a time!

[Astray]

Well done on flushing them! That must have been very hard to do but it was totally the right thing to do. You might not feel it now but you should feel proud of that ... if nothing else at least that temptation is no longer there whispering in your ear.

I was addicted to pain pills for ten years and used them much the same way you did, to hide and make everything go away so I can totally relate to what you said in your last post. I've had to relearn all sorts of coping skills so I know how scary being sober after all that time can feel.

The thing you have to remember is that everything will look darker and more difficult than it really is as your brain chemistry will be all over the place right now. My advice would be, for now, don't try to fix too many things at once or put too much pressure on yourself just concentrate on getting over the acute withdrawal phase. Try to avoid making any life changing decisions as if your feelings are anything like mine was at your stage as your judgement may be impaired. I found St Johns Wort and 5HTP helped a bit with the wild moodswings BTW.

Support, be it an official group or friends, would be good so you can talk it out, you will need to talk to someone, going through this alone makes it harder. MedHelp is great but face to face is better IMO. I've got no experience of inpatient treatment so can't really comment on that, no doubt others will soon.

Of course you will need to deal with all the stuff you have put off while on the pills but don't expect too much of yourself now; you are already doing a really hard thing and from what I've read you are doing a good job of it.

[Me1025]

Well I guess God is looking after me and my pts for I am on call tonight and don't have to back at work now till Monday. Yeah I feel like I'm constantly being tested, tempted, lured back in and it freaks me out. I've kinda been thinking about going to inpatient treatment and I'll say why. For 21 yrs I have had drugs as my closest, oldest and most reliable friend, its not a good thing just how its been. I have learned very well how to bury things, avoid them, take a pill and forget and have never dealt with the problems. Honestly I am so scared that once I begin to deal with them I'll run to the drugs and although that's never what I would want so many times I have been defeated by my lack of willpower, so I really don't know what to do. I don't know which path of recovery is best for me because obviously my way has never worked?? I'm 33 and feel like a child being thrown into the world.

[petroglyph54]

Glad to see you posting. I've heard God won't put more on you then you can handle, although sometimes it seems it's close to the edge. I don't envy you going in and hope it is safe for everyone. Yes you are inspiring. You have made great progress against great odds. Lots of liquids, flush it out of us. It's getting better. Gotta be. I'm really glad for ya, and let us know how you do, O.K.? Have a good evening!

[Me1025]

I did it, I flushed them after many failed attempts. after walking in and out of the bathroom crying and screaming..my body saying go ahead and my brain saying what the ****! This whole thing is really kicking my ***. I'm up I'm down I'm here I'm there, it truly feels like I'm going insane.

Me inspiring? Well I'm not sure about that but I do appreciate the complement and thank you all again for seeing me through. God Bless