**ATTENTION ALL ADDICTS I NEED YOUR INPUT, PLEASE RESPOND :)**

[Ali1226172]

Good Afternoon everyone! Hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful day, and can take five minutes to answer my question.  I was inspired my Avisg post about defing what "being clean means to you".  I love that we all have different opinions, different stories, different lifes, but yet we are all the same in a way, because we are all addicts.  I think we can ALL learn from one another by sharing.  Plus it is a great way to realize those demons by "getting it out in writting" Anyhow I will leave my question to everyone below, and I hope to get a lot of respones :)  Please be respectful of everyones opinions.  One addict is no better than another addict.  We are all equal when it comes to our disease no matter what our stories may be.  We all need support, and love :)  I heart you all!! Keep up the good work and the tough fight!!

**My Question is as follows: What kind of addict are you?? Are you a functional addict or nonfunctional addict?  When you use do you use to get completely intoxicated or are you just trying to feel "normal"??  And how has your addiction effected your life??   If you are a functional addict what made you realize it's time to stop??

**Please Send me your responses**  I will be sharing my story as well!! LOTS OF LOVE XOXOXO
ALi

[gizzy32]

I am an addict now clean, but during active use, I only functioned while using. Without dope I could not function or so I thought. Drugs stole my life and made me into a person I despised. Sometimes I used dope in the past to feel normal, but most times I used drugs to get so ****** up I didn't have to feel. That is no life:(

[navyvet77]

i was both, had a 75k year job in 2009, but currently I'm not a functioning addict if functioning means "working". I am a disabled veteran and could tecnically work and probably should work but I don't.

I guess its going to take a day in jail or something to really wake me up but I'm trying to quit opiates before that happens again.
I was once arrested for attempt possession of mj over 13 years ago and had my car impounded but the case was later thrown out in court. After that happend I got clean for a little while. As the saying goes, once an addict always an addict. Our brains crave any sort of feel better sensation.

[gnarly_1]

Hi I was a functioning addict for many years...I was in sales and stayed in the top 5 of my company....I took the pills mainly to chase the pain out of my back but after a wile I couldn't perform on the job under the influence of the pills...so thats when my addiction got bad...I started to save my daily dose and instead of spreading it out thew the whole day
I would save them till around 7 at night and then take all of them at once...within an hr
I was high as a kite and the pain was gone our store stayed open till 9 but traffic was slow after 8 so I dident miss much except for sleep...I would stay up late and ride out the buzz I was getting from the pills...this went on for almost 10yrs after the pills quit working my pain management dr put me on methadone and suggested I retire because my back was so bad..I lasted 3 more yrs on the sales floor b/4 I was forced into early retirement I did notice some side effects of the methadone..all though it dident get me high it did cause my sales figures to plummet I droped down to middle of the pack
I think it was in part to the sorta fog methadone leaves you under even though you dont feel high on it...once you go off it you can notice the fog lifting and the world seams to come at you at 100 miles an hr and in tec/na/color it takes some getting use to but today im fine living life on lifes terms once again ...sobriety has turned out to be a whole new world for me to live in and with aftercare im adjusting to it well...good luck to all who are on this journey and God bless.....Gnarly      

[Leah1964]

I know what you mean when you say functioning/nonfunctioning addict.  But it’s an oxymoron isn’t it?  I mean the addict is under the control of a substance-it speaks louder than any other voice.  It does puzzle me how different addicts have some margins/boundaries in place and some others don’t.  I certainly had some boundaries, but I also exceeded the boundaries of my convictions as well.  And certainly one begins with small steps outside their conscience boundaries and then as it progresses, a little more and a little more until there is nothing you wouldn’t do to get your doc.   Yeah maybe by all appearances I was functioning, but really I was only existing and was living each day compromising my convictions to get my fix.   No joy, no hope, no life, no goals or dreams for all intensive purposes, just living from one pill to the next.  Although functioning I was not functioning at all.   I was not living up to the person I am, the person I was created to be.  My whole purpose was wrapped up in getting, keeping and taking pills for energy? To ‘feel’ better body, soul, spirit?  It was all a lie!  I traded my soul – the essence of who I am for a pill.
My addiction began several years ago when I tried opiates for the first time, but only took them when the opportunity presented itself maybe 2 to 4 times a year.  Then my car accident opened the door for monthly scripts – more consistent opportunity.  The culmination for me was 6 month ago when I found out my husband had an 8+ month affair while working in Iraq.  That’s when my addiction got more out of control – taking more, barely making it to my next script or not making it all and taking some from my mom to supplement.  I just wanted to numb myself.   A few months of this got me realizing that I couldn’t continue to live this way and something needed to change.  I am 2.5 weeks clean and I actually FEEL now.  I even am beginning to feel happy again, have hope, want to live life and move forward.   By God’s great and amazing grace and my good choices, I am and will continue to learn how to cope without the use of drugs.

[merrymaria]

i was a functioning addict....could not do much of anything without stupid pills....at first there was such an extreme feeling of pleasure but i never got that feeling back....just needed more and more to feel good/normal/functionable....found med help in march of 08...was planning on quitting during my sons spring break...no it never happened cos someone called me with pills...they just had such a strong hold on me....i kept using till july 4th, o8...i just got so sick of all the counting, worrying and most important i wanted to be normal without pills...like i was before so i took my 2 week vacation and did the ct detox...so far so good...no relapse...which leads to your question about addiction effecting my life....well i know i can never take just 1 pill...NEVER or anything mind altering due to addiction...i am sick but i am in recovery....i never want to go back to the heLL i was in...very good post...i ve enjoyed reading everyones comments....maria.

[Ali1226172]

Please keep posting your stories, it helps me to hear I'm not alone...and I hope it does the same for all of u

[Ali1226172]

Thank you Kristen! Someone once told me "we are as sick as our secrets" so for me it's time to let some of these secrets out so I can let them go!  I was just hoping for more support, and instead I got put down.  Maybe some day I will tell the whole truth and my parents will come around.... i'm real upset right now I haven't left bed all day!! I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, thats not what I am looking for at all but, the truth is that IT IS VERY LONELY and that much harder doing this alone....recovery is NOT easy

[Jebs317]

Hi Ali,
  I know exactly how you are feeling right now.....I am alone too.  You are not alone.  You have wonderful friends here that are praying for you to stay strong and do what is best for yourself.  You ARE doing that!  I haven't told anyone what I am going through.  No one knows and that's a very lonely feeling.  But you're not alone.  You have so many people here who are right here waiting to walk beside you through this.
A very special lady in this group said that she was holding out her hand....and we can choose to take it and walk this journey together.  
Don't give up.........you are not alone.
Kristen

[Ali1226172]

I just tried to tell me dad...and he basically said to go cry somewhere else and, It's my choice :(  I'm soooooo upset right now, I couldn't even confess everything cuz he was being such a jerk!! I think he is just so devestated from my sister who has been a heroine addict for a couple years now in and out of rehabs.  I think he is just numb...
it's sad because I need help and support too!! I'm doing this all alone...it's rough :(

[ANewLife4Me]

I would just tell them you need to talk to them and sit down and tell them, ask for their support and also ask them to maybe attend some meetings and educate themselves about addiction as it affects them too.  It will also be helpful in supporting you.  They may already know that something is going on, not exactly what you are doing, but that something is going on.  My family did.  I think you will feel a lot better once you tell them :)

[Ali1226172]

I am starting to think aftercare is a must for all of us.  It doesn't matter how strong we are or think we are, this is a disease!  There are still opiate chemicals in my brain and, who knows if I can fight them all off.. I just may need some help, some support, and aftercare and ya know what that's OK!   :)

PS: Most of you that know me, know that I have not told anyone about my problem excpet my one sister, but lately I have been thinking it's time to tell the parents but, I am soooooooo scared!! Any adivce?

[Ali1226172]

Thank you all for your coments :)  It seems a lot of us opiate users "functioned" similarly when we used.  We all thought that the pills where our strength.  The pills were the fuel that gave us energy for the day, and the world was just happy and beautiful right??  Oh boy how we were all fooled by those dam pills!  It's taken me some time to see that my source of happiness/energy was really actually causing me to be sick/depressed.  It's still hard for me to grasp the fact that these pills I loved soooo much, that made me feel sooooooo good were actually killing me internally!  Each line locked to those receptors in my brain causing an unbelievale appetite for MORE MORE MORE!! Just one more pill..one more and I'll be so happy I would say.  Than I would FREAK out that I just spent all my money!! So what to do to fix the problem?? Why another pill of course!! I'll just borrow more money and do another pill and all my worries will be gone.  I can't believe how sick my thinking was, and partially still is!! I no that just because I have a few weeks clean does not mean that I am by any means cured or free... like I said every single pill I crushed and snorted is locked up to those recpetors in my brain and at any second could spark!  I just pray that my heart is strong enough to fight my brain until one day those thoughts just fade away...

Your all doing great, keep fighting, keep sharing!
PS Rue I believe that God has truely blessed you with a strong heart too :)  If you keep believing as you are, those percocets will never take your life again!! I'll pray for you and all of us :)

[rue10]

I am a functioning addict.  Although toward the end this time I really began feeling quite sick and was taking way too many and drinking and smoking a lot.  

I like you hold a high pressure job, have a husband, a teenage son and older daughter.  I love to cook and garden and decorate my home.  I ejnoy music, I sing seim-professionally and I THOUGHT I enjoyed these things better and could do all of this BETTER high on percocet.  I had over 600 days off opiates and I relapsed into 8 or more months of use.  I do have two herinated discs and a new ailment in my leg that I used for justification to start taking them again.  I was on a roll almost immediately after starting up again.  

I do have a stong faith and getting older for me is causing me to take stock of my life.  God began to convict my heart stronger than ever.  With every ache and pain in the morning.  With the watery bloodshot eyes, with the dark circles, and the two pills I needed to take just to get moving in the morning He began to tug at my conscience.  53 years is not really that old (for you young ones--it's really not!  LOL) but I felt horrible and did not want to continue on like that.  I was never a happy person, but I thought the pills made me happy.  I was never happier than on the day I picked up my brand new scrip of 120 10s.  I would actually say..."All's right with the world" when I picked them up because I knew I wouldn't have to worry about counting until 2-1/2 weeks in.  But when I was running low it was mental torture.  Counting, Counting, Counting and finally seeking a connection, being antsy, getting ripped off.  Just Horrible.

Plus I was starting to spend $ again to supplement the "down time" between my Rxs.  The last time I spent thousands of $.  I was on my way to that again.  Someone here said a long time ago "You can't take them forever."  I never forgot that. and that would pop up in my head almost daily this last time.  I thought if I continued to take them like I could take them forever I would die or wish I was dead--which is just as bad.

For me, because of my faith, I wanted to be open to whatever God is providing for me and saying to me.  I couldn't "hear" Him clouded with drugs.  And I was ashamed.  It's been about 18 days or so for me this time around.  I'm working hard to figure out how I could just through all those clean days away.  I am seeking counseling as my after care this time around.

Physically I feel much better, but I worry about the damage I've done to my brain.  I have to WORK HARD to find the joy in anything and I miss all the energy.  But I know this is the right thing for me.  I did not want to die.  I feel that God wants me to live a fufilled life--even if its in my second half.

Thank you for your post...and thank you members of MH for your support.  You've always been there to help when I reached out for it.

Blessings......Rue

[ANewLife4Me]

I am (was) a functioning addict.  I needed my pills or I couldn't function, or so I thought.  When I took the pills, not only did I take them to feel "normal" again, as my tolerance grew so high, but I also took them to keep feeling that rush or wave 20 minutes after I took them, but it never came anymore.
I lost my husband, my house, myself.  I've lost just about everything except my life. Even though I'm clean now, I'm getting no aftercare, still struggling with the aftermath.  Been here for over 2 years and still can't get signigicant clean time under my belt, but I KNOW it's because I don't have aftercare, I don't work a recovery program.  Until I do, I'm just on a tightrope waiting to fall off.

[avisg]

hummm i am an addict ...Whether I functioned or not I guess in my opinion an addict is an addict .I started using because of pain issues as well .I started noticing that my life had become more about my pills then my family and I was cheating myself and my family . One of my kids had a life threatening illness it opened my eyes .how could i be there for him if is was using it took sometime but I did it .I had a relapse because i did not get myself any recovery care  ,Then I did it the right way thats was 963 days ago .

[alisha566]

hi im 22 years old.i am a highly fuctionaning addict. up until 8 days ago i was taking 4-8 loritabs 10's almost every day. 2 or 3 other days. i would never want to be intoxicated where i passed out or poeple knew i was high. i just enjoy being busy, and working hard. it does suck spending my money. alot of money wekkly thats the main reason i stopped. plus i hate knowing that i have to have something to be motivated.

[Ali1226172]

Thank you for sharing Kristen, I was very much like you as well! Completely functional...the invisible addict.  I also abused opiates, and I know very well that consant fear of being caught, or loosing my job, and so on.  I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages but, it sounds like you are doing amazing now :)  Sometimes we can't understand why bad things happend to us, and all we can do is pray that we grow stronger from every hardship.  Keep up the good work, I'm on day 21 myself :)

[dominosarah]

Its all good........

[Ali1226172]

Hey, no no  I am not writting a paper...I know the questions were a little extensive but, I was hoping to get people to open up and share with one another. :)  I was very inspired by avisg post, and all the different opinions we all have.  Also I was inspired by my very own story which I guess I'll share now lol.  I come from a family of addicts.  However, we are all very different within our addictions.  My sister and mother are full-blown nonfunctional addicts who use to be as high or intoxiated as possible.  Whereas me and my other sister are completely functional addicts using to "get through the day".  It made me wonder why some of us are more extreme than otheres.  Why some addicts use so much as once that they nearly die every day (like my sister who uses crack and heroine).  And then there is me who uses just enough to "feel normal" or "get thro the day".  I always used very secretely in fear people would know...I never wanted to be "too high" cuz then I would get caught...
You get the idea...I am just curious as to why some of us use more than others and what everyones bottom is?? My sister bottomed out because she nearly died and was hospitalized with double lung anemonia and so on....the doc said she had five more days of living how she was and she would 100% have been dead.  Today she is in rehab thank the lord...for me my bottom was money and fear of basically turning into my sister...
Everyone's story is unique and I want us all to be able to share without fear of shame or judgement, and also I'm hoping to learn more about this disease I have through everyones experiences..

[Jebs317]

I agree that it's good to "get it out".....
Little by little, I have told parts of my story.....so I am going to tell the rest here.
I always knew that my biggest dream in life was to be a mom.  When it was time to have a baby..........the challenges began.  I had 5 miscarriages with the last one being a tubal and I had to have emergency surgery because it had ruptured.  I suffered for years with endometriosis after this.  But, I always dealt with the pain with OTC remedies.  I adopted the greatest little boy 13 years ago and my life was very happy and fulfilled.
After years of endometriosis, I finally agreed to have a full hysterectomy.  My surgeon damaged by bladder during the surgery which lead to being sent home with a cath. bag for 9 days.  This caused severe pain and weakness in my legs.  I fell down the stairs and ended up with a herniated disc.  
Enter pain pills.......It only took me a couple of months to realize that I liked how they made me feel.  I could feel good all day with only 2 or 3 a day.  That didn't last long and before I knew it,  was a functioning addict taking 8-10+ a day.  I have a career and a son to take care of.  I just did it with the added energy and "feel good" of the pills.  Within the last 8 months or so, I began to realize that they were no longer making me feel good, because I couldn't get enough of them.  They started to control my every waking moment.  Would I have enough to get me through til the next refill?  Would I get caught buying them?  Would I get pulled over and charged with DUI?  Would my job find out and fire me?  
My addiction has taught me that I need to appreciate what I have without pills.  
I am on day 22 and hope that I can continue to heal........

Kristen