I need help!

[Alice257]

I don't even know where to begin, but, for starters ~ I am a 49 yr old woman and I live in N.Y. AND I take 40-55 pills a day. Doesn't matter....I take perc 10's, oxycontins, any dose I can get, very few vicodins because they don't work for me anymore. I do not doctor shop, I buy everything on the street. I also take Xanax that I do get from my psych doctor - mainly 1mg to 1.2mgs that I take when I have panic attacks which is daily. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, as well as General Anxiety Disorder and agoraphobia.  I am also a chronic pain patient. I have interstitial Cystitis and I've had 2 back surgeries and I'm in need of at least 1 more.
I am very Blessed because I have a wonderful man in my life  (8yrs) who shows me everyday that he loves me,I am close to my children (2) along with my fiancé's 3 children. We are more than financially stable, which has actually hurt me....
Back in March I signed myself into a rehab and 5 days later signed myself out due to insurance issues.
I need help badly. My fiancé cannot sleep a full night because he's afraid that I will die in my sleep. I'm afraid to leave my bedroom, I have daily panic attacks, I have gained 75 effing pounds, I am handicapped mentally and physically and yet I continue to use! WHY!Right now my family is outside swimming and having fun and here I sit in my bed smoking 4 packs of cigarettes A DAY! So depressed because I'm unable to go outside due to my panic attacks! I feel so useless and undeserving! I have terrible pains inside my abdomen and yet I STILL USE! I am so very afraid that once I get clean my mental illness will take over and I will have no relief. Can someone please talk to me?

[VICourageous]

Just tie up those boot strings and walk right back into treatment. This time telling yourself YOU are going to kick some ash on this disease. This disease is a progressive one and it is a process to stay clean. Stay in the NOW and do not worry about the "what if's" about the next days to come.

Keep up the Faith and do not let Fear bring you down. I look at this disease in two ways. One is the Spiritual break down and the other in a more Scientific way. There are alot of changes that happen in the brain and the mid-brain (survival) part is taken over. All we think about is the fix from a substance. We get so hooked to where it is really not our fault, but what happens in the Brain. However, we are the ones that can make a Choice. We are the ones that have to make the Changes and make a new World for ourselves. The detox will be over soon and then it is the Footwork we do to stay clean. The so called "aftermath" will take alot of Support. Just like any other illnesses, we need help & support toward Recovery. Be willing to listen & learn all you can about this Disease..The treatment centers are a safe place, so it all depends on what you do when you get out.

There are many different treatment centers and each one can run it's facility a bit different. Do your homework and find out more about the treatment. Maybe go to another one. Some will give you comfort meds to help you get through the worse of the Physical detox. The Mental depends on you and how you work your Recovery. Maybe go back over and write down what you did different that made you fall back down. Change that and take a new path when you get home. Stay away from people, places & things that will cause Triggers. Set up some Boundaries and stick to them. Time & Patience is what Recovery takes. Nothing happens overnight or in a week or so. Changes keep rolling in day by day along with many blessing.
DO NOT BE AFRAID!! That is just the bad guy wanting to take you down or your brain playing that old tape over & over again. YOU can do this!! I have Hope, so I have Faith that you can work Recovery.
Keep us updated.
Bless
Vickie

[Alice257]

Hello to everyone, I guess that I " let fear in the into the equation "! I have promised to go to rehab after the 4th of July and guess what? It's 4th of July weekend and I'm scared s#!×$÷s of going away! It's not so much the detox that I'm afraid of, it's the "aftermath " I read all the posts about how people feel terrible and lousy for weeks, sometimes, months after detox and I'm afraid that I will not be able to handle it! Can you please talk to me about this so I can make the right decision because honestly I cannot make a decision on what to have for dinner, let alone, too save my life! Everything seems so daunting. It just seems easier to just continue on.

[Danny111]

Hi Alice,

I was at your level of pill taking for a number of years.  Enough that I'm astounded some times that my liver didn't shut down.  I could never have tapered.  Not in a million years.  C/T at home(over and over until the last one) was no fun but absolutely doable.  Like one of the above posters said you have to just be ok with not being ok for a while.  The physical part will be bad for several days with days 3-4 usually being the worst.  But after that things will get noticeable better each day.  Your mind will try a lot of tricks to get you to use.  It will tell you that the anxiety is too much, that you can't go it unless you're in rehab, that you have to leave rehab etc etc.  You have to just push those thoughts away when they come.  Put the worries off for another day.

Again like another poster said.  If you're buying 40-55 pills a day on the street you'll be way ahead financially even if you pay cash for a very expensive rehab.  

One last note on the anxiety issues.  The pills change our brain chemistry.  When we stop using it takes a long time for the brain to return to normal.  Ya gotta push through for a while and be patient with yourself.  

[jifmoc]

Alice, you sound very aware of your situation, that's great. I don't hear any bs in your words. Questioning why you keep using will make you feel crazy. You are an addict. You are in your addiction, and at a very high dose, that's why you keep using. Can you get to rehab sooner than the 4th? I'm so glad you were in the program before and felt better. It's really a simple equation: working a program equals sanity, not working a program equals using and insanity. You learned that the hard way.

The very best thing would be for you to get to rehab asap. The 2nd best would be for you to block your dealers and go sit in a meeting. Are you willing to do that? I guess I didn't ask; when are you looking to start?

[Alice257]

Thank you all for all your good advice. I know I need to go back to rehab but I'm so afraid. You see, I've done this before....got addicted went to rehab and got clean and I suffered such debilitating anxiety that I couldn't stand it! Not to sound dramatic but it truly was horrific. I'm not sure if I experienced extreme anxiety because I have GAD or if it was because everyone suffers through the same crushing emotions, you know? Once my emotions became more manageable, I joined a group in AA, I hadn't gotten a sponsor at the time because they said I wasn't ready (?), however, I had to attend a meeting every day and I had to speak to a group member 2x a day. I really have to say that I was happy being Clean and having people in my life who understood. Then, like everything else in my life I stopped going. And then about 2 yrs. later I started to have severe problems with my back and I was off and running.
Why am I so resistant? I honestly feel like my brain is trying to kill me! I had an addiction therapist and he explained to me that there is always a payoff. I think what he meant is that we as humans will NOT do anything unless it was working for us on some level. I've thought about that often. I mean my life is miserable and I feel sick and unhealthy all the time, I literally have no life
beyond my bedroom walls and I still insist on eating poison every day! I guess addiction is that powerful! My God!
I did make a promise to my fiancé that I would go away with or without insurance right after the 4th of July. I hope and Pray that I have the courage to go.
I truly am thankful that you all responded to my post and I would love to have you all talking to me because you are helping me - you understand and you aren't going to put up with my b.s.!

[Wasinsane_13]

Alice, I hope the disease of addiction has not taken your life yet and you are still here to read this.  Eventually it will.  It does not stop until the we die or make a decision to start living another way.  You weren't "ready" to be sponsored?  What??!!  I'm so, so, sorry you were told this and fell into such an uninformed group.  I promise you, Alice, they are not all like this.   Your story sounds exactly like mine and millions of others who have found recovery in a 12 step program.  We do not have the power to stop using.  If we do, it is temporary will-power and we will not stay stopped.  We can't stay stopped.  We don't have the power to do so.  Your life is your addiction, sometimes confused by uninformed, confusing opinions of doctors and other med professionals who do not understand the power of addiction or the solution to arrest the disease.  It never goes away, Alice.  It never leaves us.  When I had enough of the insanity you describe as your daily life I had a decision to make: live or die-2 options for death were to hope the drugs would me or I would kill myself from the pain of living in the despair of addiction.  When I made desperate calls and found someone to take me through the 12 steps as they had been taken through the 12 steps, my life began to change, and pretty quickly at that.  Get back to rehab and get clean first Alice.  Find a way with the money-your life depends on it.  4 packs a day and street drug costs will easily cover it.  Get back to another 12 step program and ask for help.  Helping the next person is what keeps us clean, Alice.  We need you as much as you need us, I promise.  If you need help this minute go to NA.Org and look for the help lines to call someone that wants to take your phone call.  Help is there.  If you do this Alice, I promise you one day you will be telling the next person in your situation this same thing.  It's possible to get to that swimming poo, and live and laugh with with your family.  Make the phone call now, Alice.  ❤️

[jifmoc]

Hi, Alice. I agree w/ my comrades and yes, you need to check back into rehab asap. 40 to 55 pills a day is a sh!t ton of pills. You left rehab because of insurance issues but the irony is, w/ what you are paying, street prices, for that many pills, you can afford rehab in cash. See how that works? No excuses honey, do it before your fiance's fear becomes a reality.

Check back in w/ us.

[clean_in_ks]

I'd like to also welcome you to the forum, Alice~
My heart goes out to you.  You have A LOT of issues going on and imo, after reading your post, the very best thing you can do is get your previous insurance problem worked out so you can go back to an inpatient treatment facility for a minimum of 30 days.  With all the pills and benzos you are taking, you are flirting with death.  Nothing changes until something changes.  You need all the supervised help you can get coming off that many pills per day.
Are you willing to go get some help?  At 40-55 pills a day plus your Xanax I can understand why your man is afraid you might die in your sleep.
Please do all you both can to work our your insurance issues and get you some help.  I'll be praying for you and hope to hear back from you~

[gnarly_1]

Hi  and welcome to the forum.....well you sound like your at wits end with your active addiction and are ready to stop....we do home detox's every day here on the forum.....there is 2 ways to do this  one is tapering off gradually the other is just stoping called ''cold turkey'' both have advantages and pitfalls  tapering reduces how hard your withdrawal will be but your dope sick longer ....tapering is also hard to do for most addicts....now C/T is often the best way for most...your over the phyical part in 4 to 6 days  then the mental ''mind screw'' starts this is when aftercare is critical we will talk more about that later right now read as many posts as you can  knowledge is power  it will give you a idea of what to expect  it is also a good idea to prepare  pick up a case of gatoraid some ez meals to prepare your not going to want to cook....epsom salt for the bath...a hot soak will help most of the symptoms ....rent a bunch of movies to keep you bizzy all night most people dont sleep....the single best thing you can bring to the table is a positive attitude it will make the difference between being uncomfortable or suffering....suffering is a choice.... try not to let fear into the equasin it is always worst in our minds then it turns out to be  this is 1/3 phyical and 2/3 mental be ready to fight it out on both fronts....I have said this a million times ''but you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile''  this should be your mantra for the next week or so....just know with support you can do this and take your life back a 20 pill a day habit is dangerous your knocking on deaths door...we can help ...your no longer in this alone keep posting for support ....I got to work but I will check back on you later on when I get home  the community looks forward to helping you you no longer have to be chained to a pill bottle ...please ask all the questions you have where happy to help
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Gnarly<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<