Addicted to Vicodin and scared to be sober and go through withdrawal

[backpacker102]

Ive come to the point where I stopped taking legally prescribed Vicodin because of pain and started taking it more so for the high. I started with 1 Vicodin here and there about 5 months ago and now im up to 6 Vicodin HP at once..and thats it for the day. Does it mean that I wouldnt want more? No .  I just havent been taking more than that. I have 6 herniated discs and this is what the doc prescribed. Due to the location, PT and surgery are not options. I've grown comfortable taking my pills and being silly online or reading..basically not leaving the house. I know these pills are a dead end to my brain and any prosperity in life, yet i keep taking them. I have tried to stop, but the diarrhea and instant depression are what gets me back on them again. I dont have a girlfriend, family support or anything like that. Its me and my pets. I feel like a fool for ever taking one. I haven't done anything illegal to get the pills, but I dont want to get to that point either. How do I make the withdrawal more tolerable? I have legal access to Klonopin, and some muscle relaxers. I want to be a normal person without an infatuation with stupid pills. They have ruined my social life, work and really havent done anything good besides take away my back pain. I have been to NA meetings and did not feel comfortable or get anything from them. No offense to anyone that likes them or benefits from them. I want to be sober, but essentially im scared of the road to get there.

[ariley13]

I'm glad that you posted about the cravings. It is always good to reach out to someone when they hit like that. I'm so sorry that you are still down and dealing with loneliness. Try to keep yourself as busy and your mind as occupied as possible today. It will help you to get past the cravings. The gym sounds like a fantastic idea. Exercise does increase endorphins as well as decrease anxiety. There is a list of foods that help to increase dopamine located at the bottom of the page in the health pages link. Music is another thing that really gets the endorphins firing. Turn up your favorite music really loud and dance! (Don't worry, we won't watch you!) Laughing is another great way to increase the endorphins. Watch a really funny movie, TV show, or youtube clips. I hope that the cravings get a little better as the day goes on. We are here for you if you need us. I hope that this turns into a good day for you. If it doesn't, then there's always tomorrow. It will get better as long as you don;t use. I can promise you that! Take care of yourself and try to keep your head up.

[backpacker102]

Full disclosure -its 9:30am where I am, and I am very much craving a simple high/calm/happy that I got from Vic's. When i try to think of dopamine producing things, I come up with the gym{which im going to very shortly}. Other then that, im come up very empty handed, minded and hearted. The looking forward to seeing someone that came from having a girlfriend, the having someone around when you're sick to make you feel better..all that stuff is gone. My job is terrible due to my back condition and lack of confidence and physical functioning. I know i could get some pills, but at what expense? Well being at square one again and doing something that I know does not have a positive ending. Rationally I know it's the wrong thing to do..yet part of brain says- fck it...do it and enjoy the buzz. You're funnier, more sociable etc when you're high. It's mind boggling that I've come to a place at my age that my absolute first choice of pleasure in life is being alone with pills....not even being around people. I was that person that took Vic's for my back originally and didn't think id continue this long{6 months ish}. Would i kill for a buzz? No...Would I steal for one? no, not right now ...but it's on my mind pretty hard. I felt really alone last night and was craving affection but had no one to truly give it to fill my drug/pain void i suppose. I didn't get that fill in any way and i went to bed feeling shtty and empty and woke up feeling the same..wanting my pills to make it go away instantly. Typing this is making it a little easier to know im doing the right thing by not getting high..so this is part of my not getting high journal even though its viewable publicly. Im thankful im not in jail, because ive been there before and it ***** big time. My mental "big picture" is a very "small focused picture" right now...broadening it will help- i hope that comes soon and punches me in the face

[backpacker102]

Thank you. Im hoping the color comes back. I did watch the documentary about addiction and found it very interesting and definitely made a lot of sense to me. This is it for anyone that didnt see the previous link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hz6-2NwRzE&feature=player_detailpage&t=0

[ariley13]

Please don't ever feel like your problems aren't important. I say if you need to be on the pity pot for a while get on there and get it all out! Vent, bi**h, yell, do whatever you need to do to feel better. We all are in the same boat and we all have bad days. Let us be here for you on your bad day. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll have a bad day and need your support. I love the way you describe being black and white in a color world. That is exactly how I felt , especially in the beginning. That will get better. You will wake up one day and truly appreciate the wonderful colors and beauty that have been dulled for so long. That 'blah' feeling also gets much better. It's a very gradual process. The key is to be patient and learn to go with the flow as much as possible. One day at a time. And on the really bad days one hour or minute at a time. Hang in there. We are here for you. Try to keep your head up and take care of yourself.

[backpacker102]

Thanks for the link..gonna watch it now

[EvolverU]

Dude, I hear you on every single point you've just mentioned (which the exception of the sex thing. Many people find that they have a renewed libido after coming off but everyone's different.) It might just have to do with your 'blah' emotions right now, too. (Mind over matter, so to speak!)

I was a really social person, too & I found myself isolating more & more towards the end of my use & during my early detox & PAWS. I've been coming out of that for months now, though. It does slowly start to get better, by the way. I just wanted to drop this link on you. It's worth watching (starts a little slowly but the guy was an addict himself & has made a study of it.) It might be an eye-opener as it explains why we feel this way. Dr. Kevin McCauley on Addiction & the brain:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hz6-2NwRzE&feature=player_detailpage&t=0

Hang tough, my friend! Have patience with the process. You're doing a great job!

[backpacker102]

Thank you as always for commenting. I feel very self centered when writing on here because who else isn't feeling the same stuff-take a number dude. Im looking around my room and aside from back pain and being broke, i really don't have it bad...but yet im semi-feeling sorry for myself because i dont feel good or motivated. I have bills that need to get taken care of, but it's almost like i don't care. I feel black and white in a color world. I really don't like this feeling at all. I have avoided people, to literally spare them from me. I used to be very social and fun-completely bone sober{pre-vic's}. Now I don't want to be social at all. I used to reallllly dig sex..now it's almost like I can take it or leave it.

[EvolverU]

I love what you said here & think it's so on the $$:

Im thankful to not feel as sick and thankful to at least get 2-3hours of sleep at night, but just feel a total lack of zest for life. A shrink would probably call this depression, but I call it life after the fun pills.

You're absolutely right. It takes time & more time to start to re-engage & feel a little motivated. It tends to go in peaks & valleys as opposed to a straight vector. I'm so glad that you're grateful for what you've achieved & are being realistic. All power to you & Congrats on your clean time! Keep up the great work. You're doing it!

[backpacker102]

Sober over a week now and just not clicking with people in everyday life. I guess im still irritable and don't have that "up/high" feeling. Im single and don't want to date because I feel like a cranky f'k. I guess it's way too soon to feel "normal" again and laugh and be how I was before this awful drug took hold. I have access to weed and other stuff, but frankly don't even want that. I found my comfort zone with vic's and haven't filled the void with anything else since. I still go to the gym which is a double edged sword because of the initial pain problem. That's pretty much where my happy juice wears off. Im sitting on my computer and wonder where the next natural high will come from. Im thankful to not feel as sick and thankful to at least get 2-3hours of sleep at night, but just feel a total lack of zest for life. A shrink would probably call this depression, but I call it life after the fun pills.

[Kylie4501]

You can do this!!! I am currently tapering off of tramadol and i feel like death!!! I like the comment from someone about using this site as a reminder to stay clean!! Can you guys go to my profile and read my story...i would appreciate any help. Also, i bought a calc/mag/zinc vitamin the other day and both days that i have taken it, i feel really crappy and weird. Did this happen to anyone? Does the magnesium really help with w/d or should i stop taking it?

[Blessed612]

I'm feeling awful tonight. Hoping someone is here to help-my stomach is killing me-I'm nauseas, in pain,feel like crap. I'm so afraid that its something serious from the pills. Although I never took more than 2 pills every 4 hours, I've been taking them for a long time and I'm terrified. I only had 4 today.....tomorrow I will only have 1 because I'm not getting my script filled. I need to stop. Please help-whether it's advice or reassurance, or any input on this stomach stuff, ill take any help I can get.

[backpacker102]

I think I passed a milestone last night. I was in a place where I had easy access to Vic's and oxy honest to God didnt for a second think of stealing it.. There would have been no chance of getting caught or fallout besides my own abuse. The person that had it is not an abuser and doesn't use either but had it precribed after a major surgery. I am not craving the high and pretty happy about that. My sleep has come back to me and I'm happy about that as well. Ps to answer someone's previous questions  I am from NJ and have only been taking B complex vitamins and approx .5mg of klonopin. I get Insane gas pain from taking any stomach meds. I am still in a lot of back pain and don't have a fix for that but just glad my addictive mind took a night off

[17mthssober275]

The best thing you can do is be clean, I think we are all scared in the beginning, we are so used to the way it was, but I have 680 days and life keeps getting better, I describe my being clean and sober as "like being out of prison". Free to go and do anything at any time. Keep clean, you will be happy.

[julez111]

Hi hellonj! Does the nj stand for New Jersey because that is where I live myself. Anyways I am sorry to hear what you are going threw! I am a past drug user to and was addicted to roxy 30s but started out on perks 5mg and got myself up to 80mg Oxys but been clean for 2 years now. I think you could have a easy transfer if you truly try to get off because you are not taken a very high typ of pain med. Have you thought about trying suboxone to get off the pills? Suboxone is such a life saver but only if you do it the right way and use them to get off the pills and not stay on the subs because you will become addicted to those as well but they do help they really do and they keep you out on WD. Meetings really do help I was also a person before that said they weren't for me but of course you feel that way while your usen. I have a question? I been seeing on here people been talking about the Thomas recipe. Do you by any chance know what that is?

[quitinoxys]

I agree with atthebeach (and btw the way hello). After you are off the pills for a month or so your pain level decreases. When you first stop your brain is so use to the drug it will send false signals so it gets feed the drug. I know when I quit I was amazed how much less I hurt wihout the meds. Also yoga, breathing, acupuncture etc; helps a great deal. Hang in there you are doing great.

[helpmymarriage]

I have stopped taking then again. They are no good. I just hope it's not to late.

[atthebeach]

to find out the different between opiate induced pain and the real pain can take a month or two off of the opiates. at that point is when you can  re- evaluate the pain.
have you considered alter methods of pain management, non narcotic?
exercise, hydro therapy, acupuncture, massage, chiropractor,
stretching, yoga, swimming.
there are many types of injections, stimulations.
if overweight, losing weight, healthy diet, vitamins, new mattress.
you are doing great, keep moving forward.

@helpmymarriage, good to see you again. did you totally stop the trams yet?  taking your wife to your appts is a good idea, it will help with accountability, have you set up any counseling yet?

keep the faith...

[helpmymarriage]

Thank you, and yes lying and secrets do become huge issues, I've learned this. And it's just not who I am. It saddens me to no extent to know what I've done. She was honest to me about some things that she didn't want to be. I need to do what I can to make this work and keep being honest. I'm not a dishonest peson.

[backpacker102]

Well I commend you taking steps personally and in your marriage to better things. I strongly suggest you stay honest even if its about continued usage. I would respect my partner more for being honest about it. Lying and secrets become big issues. I speak from personal experience.

[helpmymarriage]

I agree with what your saying. It's hard not to beat myself up, if you know what I mean. We are planning on going to counseling as well. And I am going to be taking addiction group sessions that she will be coming too.

[backpacker102]

Hate to sound like a dck but marriage counseling is something to seriously consider. You can't blame yourself for being in pain and im not saying that to enable you to use drugs..just saying it because I know what pain is like and to feel relief is heavenly. Don't beat yourself up..that will make you want to take more pills or even drown your sorrows another way.

[helpmymarriage]

My wife came into see me at work. When she was leaving she told me that she didn't want to feel like this anymore. I told her I don't either. She then said, well you caused it. When I tell her I'm sorry for it and everything she tells me, no your not. Breaks my heart that she can't see that I am sorry for what I have done and I want to make it right and better between us.

[helpmymarriage]

That'd be great.

[backpacker102]

Maybe a seasoned veteran can chime in on this one.