Please support me to not use today. NO MATTER WHAT

[Katya5555]

Hi, I detoxed again at Christmas, but seem to keep relapsing. I'll probably have some symptoms today and this week from slipping just a little bit everyday. Who am I kidding? Of course I'm gonna go through some withdrawal. I really need to not use today, NO MATTER WHAT. I need some support and I'm having a hard time making use of the 12 step programs. I got a therapist, but can't afford it, so i need to stop seeing her. Maybe I could start going to Temple. I know a lot of people have found strength at church and in God. Mostly I need to flush what I have and tell my doctor to stop writing for me. I did tell that to one of my doctors, but the other one insists they're safe and a viable answer to my pain. This makes for very strong addiction brain self talk, when I want to use or have pain. It's just so hard because I can get so much done when I use the Norco. I get so bored without it. I overheard "atthebeach" and another woman with a pretty name (single with 3 kids) talking about the boredom. I have a couple hobbies, but my use keeps me company through everything. I know I need to see it as the enemy, not my reliable friend, but it hasn't stung me that hard. I haven't had very many negative consequences to make me feel like I've hit bottom. I do think it's a messed up thing to do around my teenage boy, and I could loose my job if caught nodding on the job. That doesn't happen though, and I really don't think my son knows. I think he prefers me in a good mood with energy (I know that is a very messed up thing to say). He always asks me what's wrong and says I'm acting depressed when I quit. I was also worried to hear that after 8 months of clean time, you still may not feel like yourself. I'm not sure I have the strength for this alone. Please be gentle in offering support. I can take some tough love, but I don't want to feel shamed and feel I'll lose this site as a resource for help and support. You all have always been so good to me. I'm sensitive and am afraid of posting for fear of harsh words that will send me into tears. I know I have no business being on pain killers around my teenage son. He deserves better. He spends half he time at his Dad's house. I guess I deserve better too. I would like to be less lonely and isolated and my current boyfriend knows nothing of my use. That's why i went cold turkey at Christmas. To give the relationship a chance without drugs. I also fear the shame of being an addict. Especially in his eyes. I guess I could go on and on, but you've been generous enough to read this much. Thank you for reading and reaching out if you do. I really need some strength and I know this site has so much of that. Thanks again. Love to all.
Katya

[Pat1956100]

Hi Katya
Staying clean is the hard part.  I thought once I got over the withdrawals I would never use again.  Why would I?  The only reason I kept taking pills was because I HAD to so I didn't feel sick.  I was so afraid of going thru withdrawals and once I got through them, I would have my life back.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.  Those evil pills started to look pretty again.  When I had pain they could make me feel better.  When I felt good, I could feel fantastic.  Yeah, maybe once.  
We just have to face that they don't work for us anymore.  We can't achieve that high or happiness from them.  
I believe that once you decide that your life is out of control from pills, you will never be happy again until you quit completely.
Each withdrawal gets worse and longer.  It is a huge battle that we fight everyday.  The harder it is for us to get pills the easier it will be to stay clean.  I am just too weak.  If there are pills around I will take them.
I hate to see anyone going through this hell.  
Glad you are back and don't be embarrassed.  We have all struggled with this and for most of us relapses happened often.  

[Leaveurfearsbehind]

Btw I can relate to pills providing company and being able to get stuff done and like you I didn't feel that I had hit rock bottom. When I quit I was really enjoying the feeling I got from them. Then one day I went over to my friends house who was hooking me up to see if he had anything. I told him I was almost out and he said really? He continued on to say " dang man your taking more than me and your scaring the he'll outta me, you really need to think about what your doing! Well that hit me like a ton of bricks and really gave me a slap in the face. As I drove home I was just sick and that's when I knew I had a problem. I tapered for 4 days then went ct and haven't looked back. It can be done if you committ and put the work in. The good news is, there is good life without pills! I really feel great, still have a bad day every now and then but I just try to take it one day at a time. I hope this helps a little and gives you some hope!

[Norco1947]

Hi Katya ,  This all can change , You are liveing the Norco no life .
Yes i know it's very hard to detox and for a few  days we go thru hell. but it does end .
You have a choice , tuff it out and start feeling normal again or stay on pills and have no life .
The changes happen  after we quit , The energy comes back , the self pride comes back , the joy of liveing life comes back . You can be happy again , many others here have been in your boat and recovered their life , so can you , just have to want it bad , fight hard for a few days . Were here to help ... Ron

[Leaveurfearsbehind]

I've been right where you are many times. As you probably know getting thru the wd is the easy part. Staying clean is what's hard. For me I changed a lot of things up in my life to replace the pills. I started exercising and stretching daily. I also keep myself busy no matter what and always make sure I'm around sober people. I cut all my sources and reached out to others for help. In other words just do whatever it takes! Just keep posting and I'm sure you'll get some better advise but that's what I've done to get 3 months clean. Wishing you the best !