Afraid but Optomistic

Question

I have been taking Norco 10's 8-10 a day for several years. I started taking them when I got endometriosis 10 years ago. I don't even know when I got up to 8-10 a day. It makes me very frustrated that I can't control how many I take, and if I don't take that many, I don't feel good. I have a 20 month old son, and quit taking them all together for the first 5 months of his life. I started again by only taking 4-5 a day, and before I knew it, I was back up to 10 a day. I just ran out of them, and can't get them again for 9 more days. As I took the last one in my bottle two days ago, I just didn't care about them anymore, and cried because I had let them control so much of my life. I revolve everything around when I will get my pills, and how I will get more pills if I run out, and I just can't do it anymore. I am on day 2 of detox, and I am typing this from my desk at work. I feel better today than yesterday, but the worst part for me is that my Head feels "weird," and what ***** is that I don't even remember what it feels like to feel "normal" as I haven't felt normal for 10 years. I looked back on all things I used to do before I took Norco, and I had a great life and did all kinds of things, and I tell myself now "when I get my script filled, I will be able to do this, this, and this," but I don't. I do a couple things and then end up exhausted or hungover feeling, and I feel that I can't get out of bed without taking one. If I run out, I generally take my friends Percocet, which just upsets me when I think about it. Should I get them refilled in 9 days? I have let myself withdrawal from these pills several times in the past several months because I refuse to go buy them on the street and I don't think that is safe. I used to do that though, and spent rent money, car payment money, money I could have been spending on my kids. I feel like a horrible person, and I am unable to tell my fiance any of this, or that I was even addicted to them because he just won't understand, and I feel will be unsupportive.

SJS49 · Answer

Day 22. I do not feel good today. I feel very worn down and depressed. I feel weak and have absolutely no energy whatsoever. I'm tired. I thought the worst of this would be over by now. I know it doesn't happen overnight and that it takes "time" and bronchitis probably doesn't help. I wish I could curl up in bed with my 1 year old baby and just go to sleep and watch movies with him all day. As I haven't been at my job very long, I would feel weird asking to go home, but I'm really sick and it's hard to sit in my chair.

SJS49 · Answer

My doctor appointment went very well. I talked to him mostly about my personal life and how things are going with my fiance and me since he has been out of jail. And he ordered an ultrasound for my "female issue" that is related to my endometriosis. And I was going to ask him to give me my Ativan back because the hyroxyzine just isn't working as well for my panic disorder, but I didn't. It just makes me way to tired and it would be hard to function and focus at work. And today is day 15. I'm super tired today from housesitting this past weekend and being away from my home for 3 days, I feel like it is a mess and I have a summer cold which feels like bronchitis. The bronchitis is five times worse than norco withdrawals haha.

VICourageous · Answer

You have come a long ways already. Wow!!!
Keep on stepping forward with one foot in front of the other and do not fall down. Ha! 
How did the Dr appointment go or have you gone yet?
I know it can be slow out here sometimes. We did a web change and lots of people are trying to get used to it. Just keep on asking and seeking in your post. We will wave in & out. Yes, your mind can be very powerful. Putting it in a Positive mode is the way to go. I am very proud of you and your success so far. Always keep your Guard Up at all times. You know how it goes, when we surrender this back to our lord the evil will try his best to get us back. Keep on Trucking!
Congrats on your time so far..Yahooooooooo!!!!!
Bless
Vickie

SJS49 · Answer

Day 14. Amazing. It seems like just yesterday when I posted this thread. Although time seems to stand still in the beginning, I look back now, and it has gone super fast. I feel amazing. Simply amazing. I am actually back to normal. I don't crave, I don't think even think about the pills, and I feel better than ever now. I find that alot of kicking this habit is mind over matter. I put in my head at the beginning that I was going to have awful withdrawals and that it was going to be horrible and that I wouldn't be able to do anything because I didn't have my pills, but once I got on here and started reading all these threads and peoples stories, I put in my head that the actual flu is WAY worse than what I was going through. Having bronchitis is worse than the withdrawals. It's amazing what your mind can do when you tell it to do something or tell it it isn't going to do something. I thank you all for the support, although it doesn't seem that anyone has visited my thread lately, and I feel I still need some support.

SJS49 · Answer

Today is day 10, TEN!!!! So excited right now. This is a great day, and I get a 3 day weekend to spend with my baby and my fiancee. I am a little nervous as today is my doctor appointment, but I'm actually looking forward to it. I have a couple things I need to discuss with him regarding my endometriosis and my full blown panic attacks that wake me up at night. They are taking me back to my pre-norco days. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great day and a great, fun and safe holiday weekend!!

tgriffs · Answer

Methadone will let you get normal back in your life. It's not for everyone and a lot of ppl talk **** about it but it saved my life. Ppl who know mw pretty well have no idea I'm on methadone and if they did I honestly don't think they'd have any idea what it is. But I have a job and a house and a husband who is supportive. If I wasn't on methadone daily, I would lose everything. I do not miss the days when I had to worry about where I was gonna get my next scrip. Eventually I started banging heroin because I couln't get Vicodin anymore. So give it a try. Good luck sweetie.

tgriffs · Answer

One word: methadone.

SJS49 · Answer

Today is day 9 (I think). Anyway, had a very trying morning, my 1 year old locked me out of my house this morning, had to climb an 8 foot fence, fell and hurt my shoulder and leg. When I got back in the house and went to leave for work, my tire was flat. Awesome!! Other than that anyway, I feel amazing today!!! I have quite a bit of energy I feel like and my head actually isn't bothering me as much. Haven't thought about a pill other than to respond to a couple people on here in the past couple days! Yay me!

VICourageous · Answer

Doing a "Happy Dance"..Good for YOU!

I had seen what you said in that other post. So glad you took the time to read about Addiction & the Brain in a more Scientific way. There are many, many updated Videos out here and more info. I have TONS! If you ever get a chance and want to read a few pieces, I had put in many moons ago, then go to my Journal. One is the "Nature of Addiction" and the other one is "The pleasure pathway, beyond willpower". I think I did update with a new one a few months ago. I really enjoy learning all of this, because now days I will also do my homework if the Dr wants to prescribe me anything. I want to know where it is going and what part of the brain is affected by this certain medication. This is the nursing part of me that still wants to know more & more. It all makes sense...However, now days I am on a more Spiritual Mission toward Recovery. Good Going and I am so glad you are coming around sooner then later. Great!!  Always keep your "Guard Up" at all times and wear that Armour around you.
Bless U
Vickie

SJS49 · Answer

Yay, day 8, and I almost feel normal. I still have anxiety first thing in the morning, which is what woke me up. I got over it alot faster than yesterday, and I feel my head and mind are starting to clear up. Still a little dizzy also, but I feel I am hungry all the time.

VICourageous · Answer

I was real dizzy for awhile. You will have things going on that you might not have ever experienced before. This is all about Healing the Brain & Body parts. It will all balance out in time.
Just keep yourself busy and re-directed at all times. At home was my worse too, for those cravings.  Boardem, Lonely or Stressed out and other peoples Drama, can cause Triggers. You will learn how to CHANGE all of that.

Are you going to get some Aftercare soon??

Congrats on day 7...keep on trucking forward!

clean_in_ks · Answer

Yes it's normal to feel kind of dizzy.  Opiates suppress our respiratory systems AND our entire central nervous system.
Each time we go through a detox the harder and harder it becomes.  Our brains get used to the dopamine surges and our tolerance grows.  The receptors in our brains take TIME to heal.  And every minute you aren't using you are healing.  Give it some time...I was still dizzy, short of breath and had low blood pressure for at least the first 2 weeks.
You've figured out that a busy mind is a GOOD thing, so when you are home, keep your mind RE-DIRECTED.....eventually you will quit thinking about a pill.  Hang in there girl....you're doing great.  Congrats on Day 7 and on NOT going to the dr to refill your script.  Proud of you☺

SJS49 · Answer

Day 7 and I feel a little less anxious today. Is it normal to feel kind of dizzy? I just don't remember any of this from the last time i ran out of pills (which was just last month). I felt crappy for about 3 days and I was fine. I feel really good when I am at work though, because I'm occupied with other things so I don't sit around thinking about the pills. Every now and then the thought pops into my head, but it's worse when I'm at home.

clean_in_ks · Answer

GOOD FOR YOU!!
You will have made it thru the worst of the physical w/drawals by Friday.
Why do it over again if you don't have too, right?
My brain felt weird too.....and you're right, you ARE healing every single minute you don't use!!

VICourageous · Answer

That"s Right!!
When I first came clean, I was wishing I could put a new tape in my Mid-brain, because that is the Pleasure part. It will scream, trick you or do anything it can because that part remembers the Pleasure you gave it and it wants more. There are all types of Addictions and this will happen again if you feed it just one more time!! I used to tell my friends that I wish I was a shopaholic and not a drug addict, for I would be Broke and not Broken...Oh..I know I spent tons of money chasing them pills or street drugs.  

Maybe if you do go to the DR..tell him the Truth about your Addiction. That right there will give you some support and take a big weight off your shoulder. He/She could work with you. Now I am not going to lie either, it is not going to be easy at first, but if you just get that aftercare, talk things out with someone you trust, pastor. sponsor or therapist, then this will help a bunch.
Just know that everything will move in baby steps at first. Try not to dwell on any material things that you want to get done. We like to get things done Now or Yesterday. Stay in the moment. That was one of my biggest challenges in my Recovery, I just had to tell myself that it will get done in time, and if I use, I can not take it with me. Meaning my House or Job and other material things. Stick around here in this post and other will chime in. We will walk with YOU all the way!!!! WE CARE!
Bless
Vickie

clean_in_ks · Answer

When is your dr's appointment?
Are you going to get another script for pain meds?

gnarly_1 · Answer

Hi.well congrats on day 6 !!! your off to a great start....as for the desire to use it is common with addicts....the real key here is to treat it ...addiction is a disease and just like other diseases you need to treat it....treating it is called aftercare....some people use a therapist others a substance abuse counselor some the pastor of there church others AA OR NA for me I have used all of the above and each kept me clean however it was the N/A progam that gave me my life back it is free the meetings are only a hour long and will give you some place to share where the people will understand....going to the meetings getting a sponcer and working the steps is a great recovery progam the difference between N/A and other forms of aftercare.....N/A treats the addict and the addictive behaviors that wont go away on there own...the biggest difference is with time and working the progam you will loose the desire to use....something I thought was impossible.....it is the only progam that I know of that can offer you this freedom .....if it will work for a old dope fiend like me it will work for anyone honest with them self's...I cant recamend it enough....just know your still early in your recovery...any day a addict does not use is a victory as addicts we use.....so do yourself a big favor and google a /N/A meeting near you and go....you dont even need to talk just lissen....it is very normal to be apprehensive the first few times you just need to step out of your comfort zone... it is the single best thing you can do for your recovery so give it a chance as always keep posting here for support
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Gnarly<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

VICourageous · Answer

Hello & Welcome to our Community.
You already got some good feedback from our MH Family above.
There are a few things I would like to add here..First you said you have Endometriosis. I had that to when I was younger and they only gave me 20 pills a month at that time, as I got older I was on the hydo/oxys and this lead up to the Methadone being prescribed. After the surgery they cut me back and this is where it all went crazy, because I was snorting it with another drug and taking a benzo to come down. They can give you some kind of hormone to help with the endometriosis, or also they are good at doing some kind of laser these days. I would not get a complete hysterectomy (like I did) because you will live a long time with Menopause and it is really hard.
Another thing, is that we have Receptors all over in the brain & body and in the stomach. As we remove these pills, the receptors all over will have to find a new balance as they clear up. This will cause us to have this bathroom issues. The physical will be over way sooner then the Mental. For me it took me yrsss to balance out my brain chems, but I was 56 and had been using off & on since I was 13-14. Also the longer you take these pills, and at a higher dose, the longer it will take the Mental to balance out. We also have re-bound pain when we stop. Our natural Endorphin needs to start producing our natural pain killer. This will take time and you will find out that the pain is a bit better off these, then on them.
The craving seem to be different for some. Some crave the rest of there life as this is called Addiction and other will find that it does ease up a bit in time..However, it takes tons of support from others like AA/NA, Family, Friends, Your Church and so fourth. Surrender this to your God and keep the Faith that all will get better. I have almost 4yrs in and I got so used to being clean & sober that the other substance do not bother me..BUT if I go around anybody who is using, then that can bring on a trigger. Avoid people, places and things that can cause this. Talking things out with someone clean will help bring things out of your pocket that we have stuffed down for yrs. Look up Addiction and the Brain in a more Scientific way, you will find out what happens in the Brain and more about the Mid-brain (survival) which is taken over by any kind of Addiction, becasue of the Dopamine's that rush into that part. The big thing that is helping me today is my Church and Study, beside all other things I mentioned. I do believe the Craving will ease up, but it will take alot of Footwork. All of this is NOT done overnight or in a week or two. If you will just take the fact that it will take some Time and maybe a long time, then you will just have to hang onto that Patience that most Addicts have a hard time doing. Most ppl will go on living a Clean & Sober Life if they do these Changes and make a New World for themselves. Just have to take it one day at a time and the more time the more you will understand all of this.
They have also been doing studies and have found out that if one takes any kind of Anxiety pill, like a Benzo, that it can really give you more Anxiety if taken to long. Booze will do the same thing, as it hits a certain area of the Brain and highly Affects the Nervous System. This is why Drs only want to prescribe a Benzo of some sort, for a short time. The pain in the Back is one pain that most will experience during detox. Try to keep yourself busy and redirected at all times if possible. Drink TONS of water and add a bit of Lemon to this. You can also add a small dash of sea-salt for awhile. This will keep you hydrated. The stores sell lots of vit/min that you can add to water. Like some say Electrolyte-mix, Immune system, or even the Magnesium, D3 and Potassium will help clam down those muscles. Drink some Protien shakes with some berries in it. Berries are high in Antioxidants. Try to stay away from the caffeine, booze and sugars at first too. Look at your diet becasue maybe this is why you have some of that Anxiety before you used?? Just a thought! 
I sure do wish you all the best in your health and with life. 
PS. It is a BEAUTIFUL thing not to worry or run around looking for drugs anymore. This is the part that will bring such PEACE!!!
Bless 
Vickie

SJS49 · Answer

Well, today is day 6. I still wake up completely shaky and full of anxiety (which I have a panic disorder anyway, so not sure if it is related to withdrawals or not). I did some housework and went grocery shopping yesterday. I feel like my body is not as weak as it was, but I still have really strong cravings to take a norco. I sleep ok at night, never really didn't, but I do get RLS a little. I hope that this is almost done with. How long before the cravings go completely away? Does anyone know? Or will they always kinda be there?

jifmoc · Answer

You are in the thick of your detox now. As we always, expect to feel anxious, depressed, scattered. Your sleep will not be good right now. All the symptoms will lighten up as time goes on, but for now, that is totally normal. If you've read any other threads you'll now that aftercare is the difference between getting clean and staying clean. Anyone can get clean, it's staying clean that's the work. Once we drop the drugs, we still have our addict brains to face, and the reasons that drove us to use in the first place.

jifmoc · Answer

Hi, welcome. I giggled when you asked if you should get your 'script refilled in 9 days? You've just described the very familiar hell and then asked if you should continue! It's such addict thinking. Why would you get them refilled? Are you looking stop or looking to vent? The choice is yours but,  just the clearer you are, the more we can help you. 

Like Clean in KS and Vicki above stated, you need to decide if you are done w/ this misery. If yes, we can walk you through. I can see you are very sick and tired and your story and feelings are the SAME as most of us. I got up to 10 to 12 norco a day. Sometimes, 15. It's a horrible existence. If you even want to call it that.

Keep writing, lots of support here.

vicki595 · Answer

You'll get a lot of support here! First, you're not a horrible person; you're just sick right now. Addiction is rough. It's like a full time job; hunting,,planning, counting. Awful. 
I can tell you're ready and you can't do this anymore. Tell us how we can help.

Don't fill that Rx in 9 days. Just don't. Cancel it. When you literally cut off your sources you'll feel empowered!

You won't feel this rotten for long so don't dwell on that and just look forward now. Be sure to drink and eat well; no junk food.  Take some Epsom salt baths ( two cup fulls ) and soak. The salts pull toxins from your body while you absorb magnesium which is very calming.

Keep writing-

clean_in_ks · Answer

Welcome to the forum, SJS~
Your story sounds exactly like so many of us on this forum.  You are at a crossroads right now where you have to make a decision if you want to make this your last withdrawal or not.  Each withdrawal gets harder and harder.  If you DO decide you are totally done, you need to cancel your dr's apt and let him/her know you don't want to take them anymore.  Same thing with your friend that feeds you Percs.  You have to totally cut off your supply or you will always know in the back of your head that you "can" get some.  Once the hell of detox wears off, you are vulnerable every time.
Also, it's important to find someone to talk to in real life.  Finding another recovering addict to talk to is PRICELESS.  I had a preference for all women's meetings.  There are all kinds of after care you can choose from but w/o after care, most people end up relapsing.  And keeping secrets makes us sick~
Let us know what you decide about your refill in 9 days, ok?  We're here to help.