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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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2217169 tn?1371487322

Alone and day 1.

The hardest thing is fighting an addiction alone.... I have been taking perks... about 40 a day, for almost 2 years, and hiding it from everyone... I gave it up last summer for 17 days... the withdrawl was hell, pure hell, i swore i'd never go through that again... that was 5 months ago, yup been taking them pretty steady for the last 5 months again.... when i stopped for my 17 days i treated myself to a skydive, a celebration, something i wanted to do for a long time..... cravings got too much to deal with after that... here i am again... today is day 1.... the withdrawl is not as bad this time, no sweats, yet, not as lathargic, but having some pain in what feels like the kidney area... feeling really sorry for myself.... dont know what to do, dont know who to talk to..... wow, am i even making any sense??? Dont want to tell my husband, afraid of the consequences..... sister knows, dad knows, but they are addicts too so a lot of good that does me, haha... just dont know what to do, have already lost so much!! So sad!!!
78 Responses
4341997 tn?1514592288
well we are glad you are back!  congrats on wanting to stop!  you've been there before so you know it does get better!  and aftercare will be the best thing for you after WDs.....counseling, meetings, whatever....the physical part will be rough for a few days as you know....but just stay strong thru it and you will get to the other side....and if you don't know about the Thomas recipe....check it out at the bottom right of this page...it has some great stuff in it to help with WDs....just keep posting and we can help you thru them!  good luck and stay strong!  
Avatar universal
I'm so sorry you are so down and alone. That's really tough to have to go through alone. You did do this once...it's going to be extremely rough but you can do it again. Use this forum as your support  if you don't have anyone else to talk to. Get involved in groups or get an addiction counselor. You need someone to help you through this. But just know it can be done and every uncomfortable moment is totally worth it. Please give this another shot...just free yourself once and for all,...
Avatar universal
Well, if you made it 17 days then you know that it's possible! What happened? No aftercare?  You have to get something in place for support when the WD is over......especially when you don't have any support at home. It's really critical for you. And since you hid drug addiction from your hubby, you should be able to get some aftercare with no problem!  You have to see where you failed last time, and change something so that doesn't happen again!  What do you think the problem was?
3176864 tn?1391558673
Hang in there. U have done it before and you can do it again
Look into some aftercare and stick around here. Lots of support available
Great job!!!
Avatar universal
i am new here and as im reading everyones stories yours stood out. it sounds  like your about to go through alot alone. ive been there a few times. im about to do it for the last time. i really mean it this time. i find that when i get on here it makes my reality go away for a short period. if your to ashamed to tell your husband your in luck because its flu season. he will think your sick from the flu and you will get the love and attention you will be needing. how old are you? i am to married with children. my husband just helped me through the flu and i thank god everyday for him.
1331115 tn?1536365740
Hello jibi, since you have already went through w/d you know the drill so I won't reiterate it. What I will say though is aftercare is key to staying sober. Many of us say " I went through h3ll when I went through w/d so I won't use again cause I don't want to go through that again". Unfortunately for most of us telling ourselves that seems to fail and we use again. That is why we need aftercare as it teaches us the reasons why we use and how to cope with the urges and not use. Aftercare gives us the tools to plan out our lives to keep us on the straight and narrow. We figure out what we need to change to help us not to give in and use again.

As far as being alone through all of this sometimes it's our dirty little secrets that keep us sick. So if there is someone you can confide in do it, bear your sole. Talking to a counsellor is a great way to unburden yourself and make a plan to find your way back to sobriety. I will pray for you and I know you will make it. God Bless---Rick  
2218783 tn?1357574681
Congrats On making decision to get back off them The good news is yes You can do it you went 17 days thats great! Yes the mental part is hard Set yourself up to win this You Must tell your Husband you need the support and I promise you will feel like the flood gates opened up once you do. In Order to make this work I feel 3 things are a must #1 GET RID OF PILL SOURCE whether its a dealer or doctor
#2. Tell your Husband Get the support you need ACOUNTABILITY
#3 Aftercare you need this its a must I am not saying go to NA or AA there are many types it can be one on one or grouptherapy many types Its ensures your sobriety Gives you tools you need to stay sober.
Good avice that was given to me " Getting clean is the easy part "Physical withdraw" The real work is the mental WD You need all those 3 things to stay clean.
I Hope you think about the 3 things It works It DOES!
Einsteins famous quote" Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Avatar universal
HI ...you dont have to do this alone.....google N/A meetings in your aera and spend an hr at 1 you will be welcome with open arms no one will judge you.....if your really serious about getting free of your addiction this will really help out...your at 40 pills a day your not long for this world if you keep using at that rait the tylonol is deadly....my God be with you.......Gnarly
1742220 tn?1331360327
hi jibi wow thats a substantial habit you had ... my habit was about where yours was and I have stayed clean for four months.  It has been hard though.  Like most others said I think the key is support.  It sounds like you really, really need some support.  I too think its important that you tell your hub.  If you really can't, you definitely need the help of others, possibly in NA if that's what you want.  You have a lot of support here as well.  We're here for you and I know you can do it!!!!  Stay strong.
2217169 tn?1371487322
hey guys, thanks for the comments, i'm going to look into some after care, i know there are programs in my area, i'm ashamed though. I can't really get rid of the source b/c well a few of them is family, imagine that.. ha, i dont know what to say about that.... all i can do is push forward, i'm having the RLS, could not sleep last night, and well you guys know the rest, today is day 2..... i'm 41, never addicted to anything till i was 39... pretty good record i think...  i just keep telling myself my husband does not deserve this, i dont deserve this, this is why i'm quitting, plus i cant afford it and have lost so much due to it... it really saddens me. How i got back into it, i had that thought " oh a  couple won't hurt" take a couple today, rest a day take a couple, then it just got out of hand again.... i promise myself i WONT this time, and i will get help. I told my dr last time, he wanted me to go on meth, i said NO... i guess i should talk to him again about it, thanks so much for your support, i really need it right now!
1416133 tn?1351126817
I understand about the family being a "trigger" for you given that they are able to supply your habit.  But I would like at it like this... I don't want to be like them anymore.  I do NOT envy their life nor their addiction.  That helped keep things in perspective and kept me from going to them in a weak moment.
2217169 tn?1371487322
thanks, thats what i'm telling myself... i just cant believe i'm going through all this **** again, the physical withdrawal is killing me. knowing i can make it all go away, but knowing if i do that then iv'e lost.... i need to win!
2218783 tn?1357574681
You can win!   yes the physical wd do $uck big time just go jour by hour day by day You can get past this and take back your life. The answers are right here.
I am pulling for you and hope you tell your Husband. It could be the thing that gets you clean. You need support
2217169 tn?1371487322
i cant tell him conhall, it'll hurt him so badly, and i cant do that to him. I have friends that know and are being supportive... i made a call this AM to an addiction centre for help too, omg my legs are driving me nuts.... i cant stand it.... ugh, i cant remember how long the leg thing lasted for last time... god this ***** i said i would not do this again, i swore to myself, and here i am... ugh
Avatar universal
I agree with conhall.....you really should tell your hubby. I did lastnight by just putting my laptop in his lap and having him read my first post. We cried and then he became so supportive and made sure I went and got the ingredients from the Thomas Recipe. You'd have a better chance at recovery if he knew. Just my opinion. But I do understand the not wanting to tell. This **** is hard.Stay strong.....you've made it this far.....Feel better....
2217169 tn?1371487322
hi flon, thanks but i really can't, last year my dr had me on morphine, me and hubby went to cuba for our anniversary, while there i ran out, went through horrible withdrawal, he was so mad at me, mad at dr that he gave me those, and i know he could not take that i am addicted to percs. i just have to push through... right now i'm just to scared to tell him.
2218783 tn?1357574681
I felt same way as you and here is my story , I had a horrible accident at work and fell and broke my arms and busted almost broke my nose and was taken to hospital and I was at that point 10 days clean and I kept saying I dont want pain meds please no pain meds and Finally he said WHY baby you have to this is crazy and I just screamed out I am an Addict and I am 10 days clean. It was like the flood gates opened up. I was so scarred to tell him for what he might think, But he already knew something wasnt right. And he helped me he reached down and wrapped his arms around me and just said We will get through this TOGETHER! but right now you are hurt we have to get through this first and Thats how telling him helped me because its accountability also He makes sure I am staying on top of my sobriety, He went to meeting with me and helped me find a group setting that was perfect for me. He supports me he helps me see the Big picture. You husband took vows for better or worse wouldnt you want him to reach out to you for help ? You can tell him YES Its hard but you really need him right now. You need the help and support and the accountability also.
2218783 tn?1357574681
Before I Told him I was having a really hard time The Physical part had gotten better BUT the mental part was so horrible. I was crying all the time Its Hard I needed someone to help me and He is My best friend and thats who I needed. Your hubby might be mad at first but he probably already knows something is wrong.
Have faith in your relationship trust your vows.
You were 17 days off before and relapsed and its because you dint have the support you needed and your pill source is your family members Let them know you are done Please if you care about me you will not offer me pills tell them and if they dont respect your choice then your life is more important than that You will have to distance yourself from them for now.
Avatar universal
You and I sound a lot alike. I didn't want to tell my hubby either and I actually didn't tell him until a few weeks later-I just blurted it out and his response was " Oh I knew that already". OK?.....You are at a crucial point now in recovery. Its key to identify the reasons that kept you addicted. Mental? Pain issues? Both? You are going to have to address those issues and learn to cope with them in a healthy manner. How do you learn those tool??---------------->AFTERCARE. Im proud of you for calling the treatment center. You can also look up online NA meetings in your area. I know that part is easy to do but actually getting up and going is really the hard part. I had soooo soooo sooo  many excuses why I couldn't or wouldn't go. But you have to take the first step and find that will deep deep within you and just GO. Im sure you have figured out that quitting the pills is the easy part in hindsight its staying clean that is the hard part. You have to do the work along with it even if it means cutting ties with family members that are addicts and supply the pills. I know that is hearbreaking to do but you need to set a boundrary.
Magnesim/potassium supplements work the best for the RLS. Actually it helped some it just ***** but you gotta get thru it. And you will. Remember:Change occurs when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing."
((((hugs)))
2217169 tn?1371487322
i told them last time not to give me any, but that didn't matter.. they still gave them when i asked, even when i begged them not to. i might tell hubby i just dont know yet, but it won't be today... i think about when we first met, or even 3 years ago before the pills  and how happy i was ... i want that again... natural happy not the pill happy... although the euphoric feeling is great, but i dont need it. Con, your strong... i hope i can be as strong as you...... thank you so much for your replies, they mean so much, eveyone's does. I cant even trust myself right now, so i'm having a hard time trusting my vows... i dont know i just don't know :-(
2218783 tn?1357574681
You were taking up to 40 pills a day That is lethal in time your Body will not survive that amount if you relapse again. And your husband I am sure doesnt want to loose you. Its a fight for your life It really is You have to fight and use all your resources and if that means being humbled and telling him Use it! You will be stronger because of it. The anxiety of not telling him or your family adds to the addiction problems
I am pulling for you I really am But you have to decide how far will you go to get your life back!
I Know its hard I hated myself I was so miserable when I used pills.
The counting the worrying of running out always worrying always counting.
It consumed me . Please reach out to him join a support group :) tell your family you are done! You can do this . It will be hard but you will see it is a better life w/o pills than anyday you used them!
Avatar universal
Id tell your hubby sounds like you are gonna need some backup with your family members!
2218783 tn?1357574681
you are strong also! You Can do this I was just like you I see it in your words You are just scarred and thats okay. Built off that What do you have to loose?
Your right I do not know your Husband at all But I do see your post and how hard you are struggling and My heart goes out to you. I was where you are at and I was miserable so scarred and not wanting to tell. But many people told me to do it and I was like no way. But they were so right so right! Once I did I finally got it right! I opened up the flood gates! I took my life back 100% and I was not giving up and I had help so when it got hard he picked me up and carried me. And It made us so much stronger as a couple . We had a close relationship but this made us just SOLID! Concrete and he helped me .
2218783 tn?1357574681
Bkitty has good point>> maybe your Hubby can help you with your family! He can be strong for you
Think about it :)
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