Am I becoming an addict or abusing drugs?

[Mrityu_Trishna]

Background:

I have Ulcerative Colitis for 3 years. When I started out with this disease, I didn't take anything for the pain as nothing other than regular acetaminophen was available. As you might imagine, for the pain of UC, regular acetaminophen barely had any effect. A few months later, I was prescribed Tylenol #3, which I began taking almost regularly. My worry about the diarrhea was more than the pain I was experiencing, so my prime target with the T3's was just that-to stop the diarrhea. I would take only one T3 at a time, whcih generally stopped the diarrhea, and I was satisfied with that. The soreness; however, lingered, but I never thought of taking more than one T3 at a time, as I was concerned about becoming extremely constipated. In the beginning of last year, I experienced a very bad flare requiring hospitalization. In the ED, the nurses were giving me Fentanyl via Direct IV, and I can't tell you in words how good it felt. The pain subsided, and my body felt great, as if I was lying on a cloud. I was given it about 2 times in the ED, and then once during my colonoscopy and sigmoidoscopy. That was narcotic $2.

In December 2008, my symptoms acted up again, and I was experiencing yet another terrible flare. Again in the ED, I was given Fentanyl injection twice, like in the last visit. I felt great and the pain vanished for a while. Later, I was given Fentanyl again for a sigmoidoscopy. That was the last time I had been given it. For the pain, the next narcotic that was given to me was morphine, which I rejected, as I know that it is associated with horrible side effects. More than just that, I hate that drug to begin with, seeing what it has done to family and friends. Anyway, I was then given 2 tablets of oxycocet (percocet), each 5mg/325mg. This worked great in reducing my pain and making me feel extremely sedated. My body felt relaxed and I was able to get a lot of rest. In this visit to the hospital, I had taken a total of 4 tablets of oxycocet.

In my next visit to the hospital two weeks later, as a result of my condition deteriorating again, I was only given Fentanyl injection during my sigmoidoscopy. I had nothing in the ED. I was also not given anything except regular acetaminophen for the pain, as the doctors would not agree to give me anything stronger, as a result of being worried about me developing mega colon. I accepted this notion for a while, and did not take anything for the pain, as I knew acetaminophen alone would not accomplish anything.

Incident #1

During this visit in the hospital, and on the day before my discharge, I sneaked into my med bag (which I carried with me everywhere) and took out 2 percocets (these were part of the six tablets I was given upon discharge from my last visit. This was at night in my room when no nurses were around on the unit. My reason to use it was partly legitimate (I was feeling uncomfortable and had not slept well in 2 days-you can imagine the hospital environment), but I could have avoided using it.

On the day of discharge, I was given another 6 tablets of percocet/oxycocet, of which to this date, I have finished the first package from the other visit, and used up three given on this visit (including 2 I took yesterday).

Incident #2

Just yesterday, I took 2 percocets/oxycocet tablets before bedtime. I did not have any pain associated with my UC, but did have a headache, in which I felt wide awake and sleepy at the same time. In addition, I had a fight with a friend the day before, and was still feeling quite upset and depressed. Out of pure persuasion from my inner self because I was feeling as though nothing really matters anymore, I took those tablets. I felt at peace and I was able to relax. That night, I didn't regret taking them.  

Question:

Today; however, I just feel so guilty. Why did I have to take them? I was even prescribed 30 tablets by my family doctor, having asked him to give me some, but I decided to put them in a suitcase so that they would be out of my sight. I had promised myself that I would not touch them unless I really needed them, and here I went and did something I shouldn't have. Am I becoming addictive? Am I abusing this drug? I have asked myself this question over and over again. Part of me says "no", considering I took these tablets weeks after the last time I had it. The other part of me says "Yes", because I took it yesterday when I really did not need it. Today I told myself that I will not touch them until I need them-I can practice a lot of self control when need be. I am not craving the drug at this point at all. What do you think?  I just need to know before I drive myself crazy with this.

~Trishna~

[margypops]

We have a Pain Forum you may get some feedback from others in the same predicament

[teko]

Anytime you take narcotic drugs you risk becoming addicted if not absolutely very very careful.  As you are beginning to experience now, the mental addiction starts first..Yo u know they will make you feel good. However, the more you take and as your body adjusts to them the more it takes  to achieve the same comfort level and hence before you know it you have a problem. Are you on fiber? Please check for alternative ways of controlling your disease before you go down that road. hugs

[Mrityu_Trishna]

"On the day of discharge, I was given another 6 tablets of percocet/oxycocet, of which to this date, I have finished the first package from the other visit, and used up three given on this visit (including 2 I took yesterday)."

**To clear up the confusion here, I was only given 5 tablets from my most recent visit to the hospital. I typed 6, rather than 5, just like I typed "narcotic $2"
instead of "narcotic #2""**