Am I going about this The right way?

[Sammyjo918]

I haven't posted in a while, but I'm still trying. On march 31, I quit ct a 150-200mg oxy habit. Was clean 2 months & relapsed. I didn't go back to oxy, but hydro. I have cut myself down to 4 10mg a day. I realized that I relapsed cause I didnt properly plan out my aftercare. I am now in therapy & going once a week, for a month now. I'm still emotionally very weak, & I put everyone else in front of myself, always have. I'm learning how to love & accept myself, but it's a sloooow process. I have a lot of emotional baggage that I've been numbing & if I don't use, I cry all day. My question is this...am I doing the right thing? My goal is to cOntinue therapy & deal with my past & regrets that make me so miserable, learn to put myself first & forgive myself, my therapist wants to put me on antidepressants for 9 months, that scares me but im gonna try that, and when I feel better about myself, stop completely. My therapist knows I'm an addict & that I relapsed. I've been completely honest with him. Am I wrong for wanting to wait until I am emotionally passed some of these things I've been avoiding? I just can't handle my son seeing me cry, all the time. I don't know how to let the past go, and be ok with myself. I worry constantly about disappointing everyone around me, & I have extreme amounts of pressure on me daily & at this point when I try to go without, I'm scared I'll do something stupid that I can't undo. I am feeling better after each visit with my therapist, but I still have a long way to go. Before I started therapy, I was at 10-12 10mg hydros a day, I've cut myself back to 4 over 2 weeks, & I feel ok. If u gradually reduce, until I feel better with myself emotionally, is that wrong? I don't wanna make excuses to keep using but crying constantly & praying for death is where I find myself when I try to go without, & I don't want my son to go thru what I went thru(I found my mom dead from overdose on thanksgiving day 2 yrs ago) any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[OpenMind24hours]

Hi SammyJo,

It sounds like you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. You're on your way. Keep keeping on. I hope you get to a stopping point in your taper when U can get off. Soon after I hope you can get a good glimpse into being free from Hydro.

Hydro is my DOC also. I relapsed also, almost 2 years ago. At one time I had 9 months clean time and now I find myself just getting clean from Hydro again. I went CT and now I'm 8 days clean. I still get hammered with WD symptoms. This one is much worst than the last one. There were "ones" before that also. But I'm beginning to catch glimpses of what real freedom will be like and I want it.

I hope you get well soon!  

[HarperOC]

I think it's great you are willing to see a therapist and work on your self. Finding a way to forgive and love yourself is incredible. I just want to add have you considered trying AA or NA meetings? I know some people are immediately turned off the second they hear that and believe me in the past so was I. But the things I have learned from that program help me more then anything else i've tried and the natural high's I get from sitting in a room and listening to people share their solutions to the exact same kind of problems and feelings and thoughts I constantly feel, and to be able to share my story and help someone going through the same thing is honestly a major contributor to my own emotional sanity.

I am a heroin and oxycontin addict. I spent years using and years trying everything to stop and I constantly relapsed. I was miserable and I didn't think  Icould stop and when I did stop I Was still miserable so I didn't even see a point anymore. I was just depressed and felt liek a failure and held down by my drugs and my past. And for a while I was on here constantly relapsing and then trying again and then stopping the drugs and then relapsing and around and around. SUch a vicious cycle. ANyways, I am a year sober now from everything and the biggest thing i've learned is that it is not just about stopping the drugs, but about what I am going to do each day to maintain my sobriety mentally and physically. ANd one of the things that have helped me the most is being of service. When I am in my head spinning out if I go to a meeting and listen to another person speak and hear their problems and try to help them, I am completely out of my self and my own problems. Also trusting that I am being taken care of. No matter what is going on, what I am dealing with, what I am feeling, I know I am right where I am supposed to be and that I am being given exactly what I can handle and nothing more. I guess what I am saying is maybe try AA? It will give you a community of people that have experienced the same things you are experiencing and you won't feel alone or liek youre doing this  on your own and I think it will help with the crying and depression. The therapy is key to, I am in therapy as well and that has helped me a lot. As for the tapering, I would say stop as soon as you can. The crying and emotional roller coaster will begin to fade the sooner you get the detox over with. There is a beautiful life out there waiting, one not bound by drugs and withdrawals and crying and misery. It is freedom.

[Inkgirl76]

I jumped off of 40-60mg day of Oxy. That's about where you're at with the Hydro. That was 12 days ago. I feel soooo much better. The first week was absolute hell, i won't kid you. But it gets better. Have you talked with you therapist about helping you get through detox? Do they suggest you detox right now? Because they are the ones helping you get mentally well. I would follow their advice. Remember this if you remember nothing else. You are NOT a bad person or bad mother because you have an addiction! It can happen to the best of us. It's how you choose to handle it that will make all the difference :) Prayers for you!

[Free2agoodhome]

Hello,

I am sorry to hear about your mom,,,,   ;-(  bummer

When is a good time ?  With me I could have tapered for years...thats how my mind works,,,,(not healthy ,,i know)

Not sure about anti-depressants..if you can avoid them then try first,,let those be last resort maybe,,,hard to comment I havent dealt with chronic depression or anything,..you're a trooper

The stuff you are trying to "get past" will be much harder while using,,,I found that when I used,  I prolonged the healing. I would be high and re-live every mean or dissapointing thing in my life..in effect keeping the pain alive...feeling sorry, feeling like a victim....i never healed naturally...like putting a bandaid over a dirty wound,,,,never gonna heal,,,

Keep doing the therapy and coming here,,,seek other sources if available too...build up your tool box.....you will find  the using life and the recovery life cant co-exist.........one will prevail,,,,it was that way with me,,,,,

I heard a story that I liked that relates,,,

A man was telling a young boy that he had two dogs in his head..a black dog, very angry , self centered, full of hate and self loathing,,,,,he also had a white dog in his head,,..loving, kind, forgiving and full of life,,,,,,,,and they always fight all the time,,,,,,, the young boy asked the man "well which one wins?"

the man said "the one I feed the most"

rooting for ya

Free~