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708004 tn?1228969528

Am I respecting myself or abandoning him when he needs me?

My boyfriend of a year and a half just admitted to his addiction to oxy. However, he only came clean with me after I caught him stealing money from me. (The police showed me surveillance from the ATM of him withdrawing money from my account! Over $1000.00!)

He has told his family and they are being really supportive of him. I just don;t think I have the strength or energy to watch him go through this. Especially because I don't feel like I even know him at this point. He has been lying to me for 7 months of our relationship and I am completely destroyed over this.

I wanted to stand by him and support him while he was trying to get clean. However, as reality set in... I quickly realized that I did not want to put myself through that. Also, I didn't feel like I could respect myself if I stayed with him.

I feel so guilty for leaving him. I think I did the best thing for me and don't have any regrets, but he keeps texting me telling me that I have abandoned him when he needs me. This is so hard.

12 Responses
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Avatar universal
Wow!  I wanted to applaud Mercedes' comments.  I have been on/off with my ex for 2 years, but he has severe attachment and also alcohol issues that make staying with him not healthy for me.  Part of me feels like I will/have abandoned him, but I know I just enable his behaviors when I'm with him.  It's not helping him, and it doesn't help me.

HB
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
One more thing I wanted to add. There is another addiction that is an "overlay" to the doc (drug of choice) and that is relationships. Why else would AA for example suggest to withhold all relationships within the first year.  You need to overcome addiction with no distractions.  It is not fair also for a healthy relationship to be one sided..only one that is healthy.  If these two were married, that would be different..they were betrothed to be there through "sickness" and health. But these two are just dating..totally different.  Most people I see that date through their addictions and "expect" or "rely" on their partners to aid and assist acting on co-dependency. Most partners that stay with people that are addicted are not healthy themselves..they try to fix their partner or have such a low value of themselves don't feel worthy to leave.

Noone should apologize for living healthy and wanting a relationship of health.
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Avatar universal
With all due respect to ithink's post, I disagree. I am a recovered alchoholic and lost my love of my life before I came into AA.  At first I was angry at him for leaving me but now I applaud him for having enough class and strength for himself and his family to move on.  Relationships should be grounded on HEALTH and stability, not addictions and lies.  Noone should get sober for others or at the expense of others.  To suggest this gal have to bite the bullet that this guy steals from her some more, lies some more..is outrageous.  We all need to grow up.

It was hard for me but part of the after care is learning to live life on life's terms.  To grow up basically.  I now respect my ex for leaving.  It freed me up to work on myself and yes, get over him.  I now am one of the strong ones.  I have healthy boundaries for myself.  I am not attracted to addictive personalities/behaviors.  Neither should this gal.  She is a good role model to her ex on what/where he needs to be.

I agree with what you are doing.  He needs to find himself.
Truthfully, the solution to addiction (I believe) is spiritual.  And the definition (to me) of a spiritual malady is when mommy and daddy, girlfriend and santa clause can't help any more. It is just you and God.

Let this guy grow up and this gal move on.  God bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I hate to be the disenting voice here but as a former opiate abuser if it wasn't for my wife standing by me the entire time I would never have gotten clean. I think he needs you now more than ever and the crappy things he did in the past were symptoms of addiction and its associated behavior. In my humble opinion you are abandoning him at his lowest.
Helpful - 0
708004 tn?1228969528
Wow. Thanks guys. It really makes me feel better that others support my thoughts and actions during this horrible time.

Its so weird. I thought I would be so upset about the break up. But, I almost feel relieved that I don't have to watch him hurt himself and his family anymore (or me).

Thank you so much for writing back so soon. It feels good to know there are others out there who have gone through similar situations. I still feel guilty for leaving him, but I hope he can find the strength within himself to do this instead of relying on others all the time.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think everyone who responded gave you great advice. I agree that you answered your questions. If you feel like staying out of obligation or guilt then dont I believe it will only cause both of you more hurt down the road. I am sure him steeling from you broke your trust and no excuse for what he did but when your a addict you will do what you need to get the drug.My thoughts are with you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey there..I think I saw you were 23 years old, educated and worked to put yourself through school.  With a exciting career ahead of you, lots of people to meet and things to do, are you really willing to be saddled with something like this?  Love hurts at times but the experiences of life is what makes us stronger...I think you learned a good lesson here.  

There are many professionals out there trying to do the same thing you are...make a life for themselves...go find one :-)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am in total agreement with ochooked and also snowflake. My husband is an alcoholic and steals pain medications prescribed to me for a very painful bladder condition, Interstitial Cystitis, which constantly is a break in trust in our relationship. This has been going on for 33 years! He is finally getting the help that he needs. This has not been easy, in fact it has been very hard. I raised two children on my own basically and it would have been such a relief to be able to depend on him to be a husband and father.( And wouldn't you just know it, history repeats itself ------ my daughter went away to school and her boyfriend did to her just what you are describing to us, right down to the cash machine method.)  H e may love you so much and get the help and aftercare that he needs, but he needs to do it for him. I think you are the stronger one in this case so don't allow anyone to lead you where you don't want to be.Take Care and All the Best!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
you really did answer your own questions,listen to your self,if it is meant for you two to be together than things will work that way no matter what you do,trust your heart.
          snowflake
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Avatar universal
Dbossy -- You raised some very good questions and as Jaqui said, you have also answered them.  Tough decision you must make, I know.  Staying with an addict can be a living he!!.  Getting out now may be the best thing for both of you;  You because you need something dependable in your life -- -- and him, because without you he will find out what it is he is made of.  If he really wants you (more than the drugs) then he will do whatever it takes to get and stay clean.  I don't mean everything he thinks you want him to 'say' but to actually do the hard work of getting and staying clean.  Only then should you decide if you want to continue the relationship.  Wish you all the best.  Please keep posting your experiences.  
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
You have to do what feels right for you.  If what he did was the deal breaker than that is entirely up to you.  With him being an addict he has to want to get clean and stay clean.  Addiction is a hard road to go down not only for the addict but also for their loved ones.  I agree with what Jacqui has told you.  See how you feel after the initial shock has worn off.  If it still doesnt set right with you then you know it was the right decision.  Best of luck to you..........sara
Helpful - 0
401786 tn?1309152034
Well, details aside, I think you've answered your own question.  I think, all too often, relationships, marriages, fail because people don't listen to their own hearts and heads...they stay with someone almost out of duty or habit and because they think it's what they're "supposed" to do...OR because the other person really loves them and is either being manipulative about a breakup or genuinely will be torn from it.  

If you don't want to be there for him you may just not be committed to this relationship.  Maybe his problem brought the truth out to you.  Maybe he is just not right for you.  You also said that you think you did the best thing for you.  Well, if you know that, then you did the right thing.  

I think you are worried about possibly having done something wrong by leaving him....worried about what it will do to him or what others may think.

If he was the one for you, I don't think you'd be asking this question.  I think, although difficult, you'd be with him or be asking others for help in how best to get him through this.  It is not cruel of you to end a relationship that is not right for you.  It would be cruel, to you AND to him, for you to stay, without you being absolutely in love with him.  

This WILL be a very difficult time for him.  BUT, it would be whether you left him or not.  We all can forgive our significant others of certain things....other things to us are deal-breakers.  Each of us has our own set of rules and you have to follow yours.  

IF, on the other hand, you are in love with him, and WANT to be with him, but just don't know how to, or think you CAN, get through the next step with him....then you just need to figure out what kind of involvement you want to take in his recovery.  You could either chose to be there with him as much as possible OR you could on the other hand, ask him to get clean, or to get to a certain stage in getting clean, before you can resume your relationship with him.  

Only YOU can answer these questions.  There is no WRONG answer except what's wrong in YOUR head and heart.  Follow what your own head is telling you.  If it's really that this relationship just cannot work out, don't let him manipulate you into thinking you left him high and dry.  You are doing the right thing for him, if this relationship is not meant to be.  

Good luck to you.  
Helpful - 0
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