Anxiety was too overwhelming

[Pat1956100]

I am totally exhausted from not sleeping much but thought I had a handle on not worrying about it.  Out of the blue a major panic attack hits me.  I tried to breathe through it but it was too much.  I went down and got 3- 5mg percs off my tenant.  I took one and waited but the anxiety didn't subside.  I took the other one and finally had some relief.  Now that the anxiety is gone, I am in shock that I did that.  I can't believe that after all I have been through and all the agony that I have blown it.  I didn't feel good from the percs.  I still felt sick and have a major headache but it did relieve the anxiety.  Now I just feel like crying.  I thought I had it under control and I just feel so weak and discouraged.  I don't even have a desire to take that 3rd pill.  Now what????  

[dominosarah]

Whats done is done, the important thing is you learned something from this.  Now is the time to put a plan into place with your anxiety.  Talk with your doctor and between the 2 of you you will come up with something that works.  Take charge of your life now Pat.  Limit your caffeine as that can trigger anxiety also.  As for the tenant....you need to stay away from this person or be very honest with him/her.  Cutting off our suppliers is a very important step.  Turn this into something positive.  You are worth it~~sara

[Pat1956100]

I got some sleep finally and am going to give this addiction alot more respect if that makes sense.  I am not in control of it yet but working on it.
I woke up feeling hungover and very sweaty again. Ugh, I sure didn't miss that.  I always woke up like that when I was taking the pills.
It even crossed my mind about getting another pill but I think that was because I was just waking up and that's the first thing I would reach for when I felt like that.
I do not ever want to go through withdrawing again.  I am concerned even about weaning off my effexor.  I do NOT want to be controlled by PILLS.
I want to be in charge of my life.  Thanks everyone for all your wonderful comments and for accepting my mistake.  Now I just have to and keep on getting better.

[Bkitty]

Oh Pat,, Im so sorry. Hang in there sweetie. "This too shall pass". Keep putting one foot forward. I had a tooth pulled last week and was prescribed Vicodin. I did end up taking one for pain. For like 20mins I got that "feel good" feeling back. Then reality set in and I remembered all I have been thru and all that I have worked for. I was in a panic. I felt like like sh*t too for the rest of ther day and puked all day. I actually felt like crap for about 2 days afterward. But what I am saying,,just that one lil pill set my addiction off. Dont let it do that to you. Put this all behind you but most importantly learn from this. I learned a huge lesson. I learned that no matter what I can never ever take a narcotic pain medication ever again for pain. I cant control myself. At least not yet. I was again humbled and reminded that I am far from having a handle on this addiction. Hang in there! You have come so far. ((Hugs))~Bkitty

[Rain4Lafleur]

Hi, Pat, I read your post(s) and the comments of support and love sent your way.  Consider another is sending love and support to you.
I know you feel awful and won't try to minimize it.  It is awful.
But I believe you have strength because you know your reaction and will be better able to stand up to it next time around.
Drink the tea as minn66 suggested.  She and others have been very kind to me.  I have gained more support here than anywhere else.
I am weaning off clonazepam of 15 years.  I would not even discuss how it feels other than with the people on this forum.
Be kind to yourself.  No one will discourage you here.  I wish and pray all the best for you.

[minn66]

Here is your Sleepytime tea, honey and lemon added :)

I just saw that you prefer natural remedies. I do, too. St. John's Wort and Valerian root are a good start. If you need to, though, talk to your doctor and explain about the anxiety but say that you don't want anything addictive. Then come back here and tell us what he prescribed so some of our wise members can tell you more about it!

Enjoy that tea now, and try to relax :)

[Pat1956100]

You are a very wise lady.  Please make that sleepy time tea after you dust me off.
xo

[minn66]

We're all here for you. It is a positive sign that you posted here instead of getting and taking more. That within itself is a success! You can always post here and we will help you to your feet, dust you off, and hand you a cup of tea. I have faith in you. You've learned from this experience so now it is upward and onward! Do talk to your doctor as soon as you can to see about something for the anxiety.

Also, the others have a point. Perhaps as much as you may not want to, that tenant may have to go. Don't stress about it now, yet you might have to consider that.

I am glad you felt the hug... It was a huge one :D And here is another!

[Pat1956100]

It makes perfect sense.  I am doing some research on different types of natural sleep aids and I have researched "relapses" on this forum as well.  I know I can get ativan from my doctor if necessary and I have taken it before and not had a problem but I would rather find something natural if possible.  I can't phone my doctor until tomorrow anyway so I have today to check everything out.  I just want to prevent the anxiety because even during my worst withdrawal days I didn't want to take a pill.  I hated them.

[akitagurl12]

I am so glad you decided to post this, I am sure it is going to help someone else too. The anxiety attack may have been a strong craving in disquise, especially because your mind was telling you that those pills is what you needed right there and right now.  Days 7-14 was craving after craving for me.  The good news is by week 3 that went away and now when it comes up it is alot less intense.  When I relapsed right before this quit I didn't get a buzz either.  And I think that was a blessing.  It showed me how done I really was with these pills.  It also showed me what other changes I was going to need to make that I hadn't thought of before, like making sure my supplier knew not to give me anymore.  Something I told myself when I started over which helped, was that first quit was a 'trial' run and a verision of tapering.  I know that doesn't really make sense, but at the time it helped me from not totally giving up and getting back on the pills again.  I did have some physical w/ds, but they were not like the first quit.  It was actually the mental part that took me by surprise.  So now you know:)  This journey is not a straight road, there are lots of twists and turns.  But as long as we keep walking forward, we will be ok.  I am proud of you:)

[Pat1956100]

Oh wow, you guys are amazing.  I was so afraid to post this but knew i had to and you have been so wonderful.  I have no desire at all to take any more pills but I do have to get the anxiety under control  It wasn't that I wanted to take one.  I felt so desperate from the anxiety that I didn't know what to do.  After the anxiety was gone I felt nothing but remorse.  I don't know why I didn't get buzzed off of them.  I think my anxiety level was way too high.  I am keeping on this path and just going to have to live with my mistake.  
Minn, thanks so much for your words and understanding.  I dreaded you reading this post but once again you made me smile.
I felt your hug.
xo Pat

[ribs2k]

You didn't let me down. I think the set back is part of it. Man as long as you have been going through withdrawals you can handle anything. I don't know what kind of set back 2 perc will have but I can't imagine it will take you back too far at all. Maybe it will end up just a bump in the road and it won't even effect your progress. I hope so anyway. Stay strong Pat.

[Pat1956100]

Thanks, you were one of the people on my list that I felt I had let down.  I just didn't see it coming.  
My mother lives by "Giving it to God".  She is an amazing woman and has lost 2 children and still has strong faith.  She was definitely on the list but I am not going to tell her.  She would be so worried.  
Thanks for your great advice and I am going to do just that.  Still haven't slept in over 30 hours but the sun is up and it's a new day.

[ribs2k]

Pat, I agree with everyone. It is part of getting away from these pills. You are still strong and can beat this. I am not a particularly spiritual man, but someone told me something that seemed to work. He told me to give the addiction to god. I said WHAT? he said you can't do it alone, tell god it's his deal now and don't worry about it. It seemed to work for me, just a different mind set. I can't do it, so when I gave it to him it's not my problem anymore. For whatever that is worth.

[wransomejr]

I've heard you need to watch the caffine intake. They are all right. Water under the bridge. If it makes you feel any better I blew my taper yesterday so I would feel more comfortable and enjoy my last day before this really set in.

Gnarly is right. I worked so hard to get clean from Tramadol last year and it was WORK. It never got as bad as my fear, but still...work. Forget you took those two pills. Flush the other or take it but GET RID OF IT, and then start over. Going to N/A is hard. I work in the church, I'm openly gay, and pride myself on acceptance of diversity. Still there were a wide variety of people from those just like me to people that made my problems seem miniscule to people that looked scary. But they all have one thing in common and it can really be the tie that binds. I went to meetings several weeks while tapering and I needed to talk, but that ask "if you have used today just listen and talk to a leader afterward." You don't have to say anything, but you can't join a discussion. But I plan on making meetings part of my regular activity once I get this next week over with.

Guarding your sobriety is so important. Pat it is important enough to tell your tenant to move if you have to. You suddenly need to remodel. You may actually need help for anxiety and need to be on the proper medication for it. But work with a doctor who understands your addiction and is compassionate and will find something that helps. Getting back on the merry go round isn't the answer and it can happen in the wink of an eye so "guard up" as they say.  Pulling for you always...and your friend.
-Randy

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

lol love to sing to ya mate the coke might well have huni not sure i take valerion root too help me me sleep i think they help with anxiety try utter huni ur a true pure soul stay strong huni k mwah xoxoxoxo

[tjstaats]

I was in your shoes 3-weeks ago after 6 days of rehab, call thge doctor got 90 more pills.

Start over, yesterday was hell for me llke you, you know the pain we go through and that how many times do we need to be thrown down the stairs before we know what pain it causes

we are all here for each other, see you on the other side,  

Remember, when you leave the top step of hell heaven is right on the other side

[Pat1956100]

I am wondering if the diet coke I drank today set my anxiety off.  I used to drink a ton of it but have been sticking with gatorade while withdrawing.  I had a few glasses of coke today.  Who knows?  I think I will go back to gatorade.  My whole system is totally crazy.  Nothing works anymore for sleep, percocets make me sick and diet coke may give me anxiety.

[Pat1956100]

You are helping me so much.  I wish you were here and you could sing me to sleep lol.  

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

flipping phones MOVING FORWARD IS YA OnLY OPTION Huni mwah xoxoxoxo

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

your day 11 tommorow stay strong don't dwell give forward is ya only option huni mwah xoxoxoxo

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

sleep sweet mate day 11 days tomorrow we here if anxiety comes back mwah xoxoxoxo love ur friend in oz aj

[Pat1956100]

Right back atcha AJ.  I am going to try and sleep and start fresh again tomorrow.  Stay strong everyone. I thought I was but it just takes a second of weakness and it justs makes you feel sick.  Well at least for me.

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

hope she listens pat huni ur an amazing woman don't ever forget that mate mwah xoxoxoxo