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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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753324 tn?1457822792

BACK AGAIN! Im in a bad place and need some support!

I dont know why i keep putting myself through this BS. It gets outta control before i even see it happen. Right now im RXed 112 30mg roxies and 56 60mg Morphine. My last script was filled less than two weeks ago, and im out!! I've been out for a few days now. Picking up and borrowing whatever i can. The last few days thats been...i cant even remember how many 10mg methadone and last night i had a 75mcg fentanyl patch delivered. Really?!?! Fentanyl!! I always told myself i wouldnt mess with these friggin things. Lets put it this way..i cut it into 1/4s because of all the warnings on the package. I was scared to put the whole patch on. You guessed it...ive got all 4 1/4s on now. The scary part is its not doing much to ease my withdraws.

This crap has to end!! As always it couldnt be worse timing. I've got a whole list of excuses why now isnt a good time. I know deep down thats all they are is excuses. I've been lurking here for the past few weeks reading and re-reading old posts trying to remind myself its possible to get through this crap.I've never felt so stuck in all my life!! I cant live this way!! I know what needs to be done, but just cant muster up the courage to do it...Stressin so bad right now...
60 Responses
2107198 tn?1336139706
Hi, I see you have been here before.  I was not around then, so I do not know your background.  I assume you have legit pain issues to be getting a script like that.  Are you looking to get clean or just make ends meet until your next script?  Seems to be you have to tell your doc your a addict, that is a lot to be taking and getting no effect, your gonna need some help to detox.

We're you clean?  We're you in aftercare?  I have told my doc, pharmacies and dentist I am a addict and so I cannot get narcs easily at all.  I know it has helped me, keep posting, let us know how you are doing.  Do not kick yourself, I have relapsed a ton until last June.

Bryan
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
You say you cant muster up enough strength to do what is right here....How about saying you CAN.  YOU hold the key that will unlock these chains.  As long as you have the door open to getting scripts and other supplier(s) this insanity will continue.  There is no happy ending to this addiction.  It is do or die.  There isnt a one of us that is exempt from od'g.  If you dont have the time to be sick, than make the time to be well.  It is time for you to get rid of the excuses and fight for you.  You are worth it.
Avatar universal
You've had lots of experience with this site and why we all are here. As I'm sure you know, our disease is progressive, incurable and fatal. As practicing addicts we seek our destruction a few pills at a time or a bottle at a time until we die. This is the insanity of addiction. In our hearts we don't really want to do this, but we're driven to do it. Insanity is continuing to do the same things and expecting different results.

You posted just now because you don't want to die. You have a spark of the divine in you. You indeed have the courage. You've been through this before and you know there's going to be some pain, but suffering is optional.  You'll get through the pain somehow, and we'll help you all we can. We addicts are fortunate that our type of insanity can be arrested, although not cured, by stopping and getting involved in some type of aftercare as if our lives depend on it; and it really does. Getting involved in our own recovery is how we end our suffering. You can do this! God bless.
Avatar universal
You got it!  The crap has to end.  And it will eventually, one way or another.  And you know this!  I don't have to tell you. You will die. (and you easily could while playing around with a fentanyl patch) You will go to jail.  Or you will quit!  Obviously, you still have the choice, while some people don't anymore.  I'd do this while you still have options!  

You just have to find the strength and courage to do it.  What scares you about stopping that doesn't scare you about continuing to use?  What is your fear about quitting?  That the WD will kill you?  It won't!  The only way that will happen is if you have underlying health issues, and if you do then you REALLY don't need to be abusing pills!  Get a doctor's help.  You can find one who will help you with this.  Usually, doctors are happy to help someone stop an addiction.  They are NOT happy to help you stay in one!  (or the good ones aren't!) Go and see someone TODAY and stop this crap once and for all, and stop going back to it!  I would REALLY like to see you live, and I'd like to see you take that patch off and quit messing around with your life!
753324 tn?1457822792
Yes i have back issues, no i dont need what i get for those issues. I live in Fl and unfortunatly all it takes is an MRI and a little whining to get whatever the hell you want. No, Im not trying to make it till my next DR visit. I'd like to come clean before then.

  Yes, ive been down this road more than i'd like to admit.The last time staying clean for 60+days(right after being in jail for 32 of those). the time before that almost a year. And yes, i feel like aftercare was a big part of that.In the begining anyway.I wasnt taking nearly what i take now.  

i guess here is my biggest issue right now...Im on probation. if i violate i get a min of 5yrs in PRISON. This is one of the main reason i started seeing this Dr. (to get legit so to speak).I dont trust myself not to take something. Next issue is my fiance...I just dont think she can handle another blow like this. Last year when i was arrested (for dealing in stolen property) for those who are wondering, and yes so i could buy pills. She had to sell the car i had just bought her 6 months prior to pay the $4500 for my attorney. She has no idea how bad off i am right now.

  There are so many other things. Im in the middle of a kitchen remodel that i havent been to in 4days because im "sick". I could go on and on...blah blah blah.

The only good thing i guess is that im tapped out. Im broke! I have no gas in my truck, like $6 in my checking acct. Ive "borrowed" all i can borrow. Which brings up another excuse...how the hell am i gonna pay back what i owe out right now if i come clean...all this **** has my brain fried right now. I am an emotional train wreck...

@ Sara... Im tryin...trust me.
1970885 tn?1435864028
For me, worrying and stressing about the detox was almost as bad and the process itself.  In fact, in the middle of my days in hell I realized that I had done the right thing and that it would be over in a few days.
As the others have said, you are the only one who can decide if now is the time, because you are the one who applies the patch or puts pills in your mouth. No one else.
We can offer help and support; we can tell our stories and talk about how great life is without meds...But we can't make you stop. It's your call. All the best.
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495284 tn?1333897642
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