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1479019 tn?1289420679

BIG problem

I relapsed. I did a pill after over 40 days clean. I'm freaked out and dissapointed. I'll write more tomorrwo when I'm sober. But I know if I didn't admit this now I'd wake up tomorrow and pretend it didn't matter. Didn't count as a re;apse, whatever I could say to rationalize. Rea;;y I've been drinking this whole time and have been lying and saying I'm sober. I went 2 and half weeks doing nothing. What the heck is wrong with me. I even went to a meeting at 8 am today. This *****.
17 Responses
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Avatar universal
HI   well your doing all the right things Cudos to you....addiction lays in waiting for us ready to pounce the first time where weak as Sara always says you have to keep your guard up
all the time.....you will be fine work the program stick with it no more booze and you will make it out clean and sober I wish you all the luck in the world ...God bless......Gnarly
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
How did the meeting go?  You will get to the point where you dont have to put up a front for anyone as you will like yourself.  I am pleased as punch to know you got a sponsor.  That will be good for you.  keep us posted on how you are doing.......sara
Helpful - 0
1479019 tn?1289420679
Thankyou Vicki, you just gave me my first smile of the day. I feel alot better.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good girl!  You get yourself to a meeting and take that walk!  We all wanted to keep secrets,be perfect,and run from judgment; believe me. You just have to pound that monster down right now and everyday until you just don't think about it. No pills,no alcohol.  You don't need it!   You will feel so much better by next Wednesday,you won't know what hit ya!!

Stay in touch. You're a brave woman...
Helpful - 0
1479019 tn?1289420679
You guys are all right. I found a woman who said she would be my sponser. I have to call her everyday. I can't believe how crappy I feel today. I mean 1 pill put me right back to feeling like garbage. I even slept today. I'm going to a meeting ASAP. I need to get out of the house. Go for a walk. Those things (any drug) are evil. I mean, maybe this is what I needed to remind me how bad things were. I've been putting off doing the steps because I hate admitting anything to anyone. I'm terrified of judgment and I also love to pretend I'm perfect. Although thats so dumb, everyone can see right through my facade. Anyway, I'm exhausted today. I just know I don't want to pick up today and I shouldn't be alone.
Helpful - 0
725350 tn?1318680468
Just going to meetings is not enough to keep me sober, I had to get a sponsor and work the steps. All the big work and reconstruction happens by working the steps, that's how the obsession is removed.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
First off, congrats on 40 days! There are many out there that can't make it 40 hours......4 hrs even. That 40 days clean shows courage and dedication. You messed up...so what, people don't make mistakes? Don't beat yourself up over it. No need for tears. Keep a positive attitude. Getting down on yourself.."oh I'm weak.....I'm worthless..blah blah", just puts you back in the space where it is so easy to turn to the pills to feel better about yourself. Just move along and you will be fine....I'm just sayin

Jimi
Helpful - 0
1253584 tn?1332877954
just pick urself back up and dust urself off... learn from ur relapse. whats been done has been done.. u cant change it.. we r all very proud of ya for coming forth and bn honest. secrets will keep us sick. all u have to do is work the program that much harder. u have it in u or u wouldnt have made it to those 40 days. it doesnt matter how many days we have clean, the only thing that matters is that we did it just for today.... <3 Angie
Helpful - 0
617347 tn?1331293081
Do you realise if you read your last post that you have not lost all these days ? as long as we don't give up you have also learnt a lot during these days..... this clean time has helped you too, you have relapsed but your clean time was there for a purpose... make this time some changes and be positive that you can do it, learn about yesterday, about what happened and start walking again :)
Helpful - 0
1310633 tn?1430224091
None of us can do it alone, kiddo. We're all here to support one another.

I appreciate your honesty very much. It takes a solid individual to come clean the way you did, and I applaud you for that.

Now... get back on that horse and start riding again.

We can do this together!

LMNO
Helpful - 0
1479019 tn?1289420679
ok, I woke up today and immediatly got down on my knees and prayed. I've been crying all morning but I called some people I met in the meeting yesterday morning and told them I relapsed. I told them last night and they called me this morning and I worked out a way to get to meetings with them. I found a AA clubhouse very close by, got rid of the alcohol and I'm starting over. I realized I need to REALLY immerse myself into the program. I am not invincible to addiction alone, but I can fight it with these people. Amazingly I met a woman at the meeting last night who told me I had met her a year ago at another meeting and was very kind to her. I was shocked, not that I had met her, but that I had been kind to her? I don't even remember. Anyway, I really feel terrible about losing my time and giving in. But I know that I cannot do this alone and without working the program. I should have gone to meeting right when I got off the plane (like you guys told me) and I should have started really working my aftercare. Anyway, whats done is done and all I can do is work today. Its one day at a time. Thank you everyone for your support. Your really what keeps me grounded. I'm glad I've found a place I can be honest safely, its helped me realize that I can be honest with people I see everyday and love too.
Helpful - 0
1148241 tn?1294052796
Even though you made this slip up you did the exact right thing afterward by coming here and admiting it.  That tells me that realize your mistake.  Today is a new day.  Go from here.  Good job on running to the forum.
Helpful - 0
1374653 tn?1289239473
You are not alone...at the end of a someone's profile I recently read, it says "never, never give up", and I thought that was pretty deep. From my perspective as an addict, I think there are two things that haunt us, the past and the future......guilt and shame from past failures and fear and uncertainty about the future to make it short.  One thing that always helped me through a relapse, or slip-up in your case was to be able to forgive myself and do the best to learn through, not to get give myself a pass, but not to hold onto it as more shame and guilt.

With all that said,in the words of Kung Fu Panda,  " the past is history, the future a mystery, but today is a gift, which in why they call it the present!"  I wish you the best in your recovery.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good morning, I hope you will pick yourself up.  Take this new day and make it count.  It is another day afterall and a good day to be sober.  Try to see the little things that make you happy today and keep posting.  We'll help you today.....Joy
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am glad you came forth and told the truth.....I will wait to finish this post when you sober up.            sara
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi well you mad it 40 days....now you got to figure out what went wrong there is so much that can bring on a relapse for 1 the alcohol has to go...it drops your inhibition and makes it a lot ezer to say yes to a pill.....and im old school...a buzz is a buzz is a buzz regardless where its coming from its very ez to drop pills and pick up alcohol as a substitute...you need to emerge yourself into meetings pick up a sponsor and start working the steps for all of us we need to change the very way we think.....for now pic yourself up.....dust yourself off
and start fresh tomorrow learn from your mistake keep posting for support and read the post keep everything fresh in your mind you dont want to have to detox again if you stop now it just a bump in the road keep going and youll be back at square one hang in there
good luck and God bless......Gnarly      
Helpful - 0
1435456 tn?1314674659
Take a deep breath, step back and think about what is driving this. It isn't failure unless you quit trying. Pick yourself up and get back on the horse. Honestly, just putting it out there along with the pert about drinking may help you... our secrets make us sick. I am cheering for you. God Bless. Andrew
Helpful - 0
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495284 tn?1333894042
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