Firstly thanks to all who responded to me ystrdy as that was the first time I have ever been on this site. I seem to be only postin negative stuf just now, I dont know what is wrong with me. I feel so alone sumdays, most days in fact. I miss my NA friends but NA is not for me but Im scared that the loneliness I feel just now wil lead me back to a place I dont want to go to.....relapse, using etc. Its been a tough 3yrs for me, with short bouts of clean time, from a few days to 4months. Howeva Im now just past 6 months clean, the longest I have ever been but I feel so low. I have even started up contact with my ex who I was with for 18yrs (we split 3yrs ago) this was due to our using and he is now clean and tho we have spent sum time together of late I dont know if its what I really want. I know for sure that my family wld go ballistic if they knew I was seein him as physical abuse featured heavily in our relationship and in the past when we have attempted to re-unite Ive ended up relapsin (tho that is my fault & no-one elses).
I dont know what Im tryin to say, I just feel like Im ramblin, I think I miss not bein able to talk to my sponsor etc but I made the choice to drink on occasion (rarely but I want that choice&NA doesnt give that choice).
Possibly its just the boredom of spendin the wknd alone that has got to me, howeva Im off to my brothers for a cple of days to look after my nephews then workin the rest o the week, so Im sure being around family will take my mind off myself.
Finances are tough so it limits me to what I can do, the weather was gorgeous ystrdy so went out but not so nice today so have just sat in on the laptop all day listenin to tunes. I feel like Im just jumpin about with what Im tryin to say - maybe thats ok tho, ramblin.
I thought that bein 6 months clean wld bring so much happines, but its not, my head is all over the place
Sorry dont think Im makin sense :o( xx