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3176864 tn?1391555073

Back Again

Some of you know me others don't.  I've been struggling for the last two years to stay sober. Opiates my DOC.
I've refused to follow instructions or listen, continued to try and do it my way.  In two years, I have gotten clean time here and there but continue to relapse. I make excuses believe my own ********.  

Last June I finally started attending meetings but again didn't listen. I never completed the steps, would start feeling better and stop going to meetings. Wouldn't never reach out for help and NEVER reach out before using again.

Friday I finally came clean with my family again. Wife is pissed but the rest of my family is supportive and this weekend we spent time discussing the plan of action.  Even though I knew what my wife's reaction would be, I was so spent from all the lying and manipulation I had to finally tell the truth.  

I am going to be attending a meeting everyday. I am going to work the steps. I am going to take random drug tests. I'm going to exercise regularly (once I physically start feeling better). I'm going to talk to my family and finally be honest when I'm feeling bad, having cravings, when I'm scared.  I'm going to take time every day to pray.

I am starting to understand that the past is the past. All the relapses.  Trying to control my use, control my life and everything in it. Asking for help is not weak, it's the most courageous thing I could do.

I'm trying not to feel guilty and shame, but I do. I'm accepting how I feel mentally and physically and have faith in others that it will get better.  

I will need support from all my great friends on this site.  I surrender. I give up. I have no control. I can never use again but realize I just don't have to use this minute, this hour, this day.  Tomorrow will be what it will be.

I'm now willing to do whatever it takes!
13 Responses
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Avatar universal
PorVida, welcome back! You already know the drill, just follow through and do what your supposed to do. we're here to help you. Coming clean with everyone is the best thing you could do . Have you cut all ties to drugs, told all you doctors, dentist and such? Keep posting, venting, crying what ever it takes. Be proud of yourself for taking this step! God Bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Bienvenido y Felicidades!!! You can do it!!! Un dia al vez!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Welcome back home! If you look in your NA book under the relapse chapter around the end of the chapter you'll find it says: "It is not shameful to relapse—the shame is in not coming back. We must smash the illusion that we can do it alone." It takes courage to come back.
Helpful - 0
4113881 tn?1415850276
"Asking for help is not weak, it's the most courageous thing I could do."

That's wassup!
Helpful - 0
3176864 tn?1391555073
Funny how my addiction and misconceptions convinced me that everything I needed was being weak when in reality it was the opposite
Thanks for the support
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Avatar universal
Just wanted to offer some support, sending lots of warm wishes your way.
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1742220 tn?1331356727
Vida you know you always have my support, for what it's worth.  Your plan sounds awesome!  I like the part about taking time to pray and of course surrendering.  Meeting every day ... wow!  hardcore!  you sound like you are focused and intent on doing it.  but I know only too well that we gotta put it into action.  please know I am never here to judge.  let me know if there is anything I can do.  I'm here for you!  --Meeg
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Sure am glad I read this before heading to bed tonight!  It was like reading a "present with a giant bow on top"!!!  LOL
Welcome, welcome back....your post and your plan is just amazing!
The same sentence that stuck out to ABN jumped out at me too:

"Asking for help is not weak, it's the most courageous thing I could do."

I am totally jazzed you've come to this...your final line says it all:

"I'm now willing to do whatever it takes!"

We'll be here for you all the way......I love your NEW ATTITUDE :):)




"


Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Welcome back! Absolutely courageous of you to reach out...
How easy is it for you to obtain opiates?  What have you done to eliminate your sources?  It's  very important for your plan to have those doors closed and locked and you didn't mention anything about it...

This is entirely doable so please believe in that and let us help in any way. Are you in withdrawal right now?  Or clean?     Keep posting-
Helpful - 0
6064084 tn?1421357084
Glad to see ya back keep posting and stay close asking for help is hard to do but you did it! And on your way to a better you.
Helpful - 0
2107676 tn?1388973859
Welcome back
I have been struggling to stay clean for close to 2 years as well and I understand how hellish it is.  
It sounds like you have a great support system in place.
Thanks for posting.
Helpful - 0
3176864 tn?1391555073
The reality for me is I will always have access.  It's rampant where I'm from. It's always a phone call away.  But it's on me to not call. I've talked about this with my family and why we think the random drug tests should be used
Should I test positive then it's inpatient which would cost me my career
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Welcome to your new life~
Helpful - 0
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