You have to be able to take care of you before you can give any part of yourself away to another person~
I think the answer to your question mainly depends on why you're an addict. What is it that is underlying and making you want to use? I honestly don't think you can figure this out until you take the steps to get clean and allow all of your demons to surface so that you can address your issues one-by-one. Right now your first priority needs to be you and working towards getting clean. Get happy for yourself and figure out the steps you need to take to get healthy. The other things (i.e. jobs, relationships, love, etc) will fall into place when you have a strong mind and body and a clear head. Good luck and I hope you make the decision to quit the oxycodone today :)!
I think being an addict could make us tolerate a bad relationship longer than we should but more likely to be involved in one? Who knows?
Emotional struggles seem to be more about the human condition, in my experience. I'll tell you this: If you're in an abusive relationship you HAVE to find the strength to walk away. Just do it!
I have a done a whole lot of thought about this subject. I think that there are certainly many factors that go into a relationship, whether good or bad, and of course no two are the same. I definitely think that when you are actively using, you are much more likely to get into a less than desirable situation, whether it be any relationship, or other bad situations. We settle big time. We put up with things that we normally wouldn't let slide. We think so little of ourselves that we don't even question whether or not we deserve more in life. As far as abusive relationships go, that is an 'addictive' situation in it's own right. The cycle of abuse is very complicated. Abusive partners have their 'honeymoon phase' when they are not being abusive. They act like prince/princess charming and will do anything to make you love them and stay. I know that it is very easy to get caught up in this cycle, just as it's easy to get caught in the cycle of drugs or alcohol. Often times the folks who find themselves in abusive relationships over and over again are modeling behavior they learned in childhood and have come from abusive households.
Anyways, enough rambling. If you are in an abusive relationship, please, please get help. Contact your local YWCA. If you don't feel strong enough to leave right now, ask them about their meetings. They have meetings for women who are in abusive relationships at least once a week. They are private and held in a safe location. You can at least get the support and information you need. Weigh your options. I am telling you from much experience that these things ALWAYS escalate. They ALWAYS get worse. You don't deserve this, whether you are using or not. Please put yourself first and get the hell out of that relationship! I am here if you ever want to talk, ok? Please take care of yourself.
Thanks to you all for responding. I want to say first that I am not being beaten or anything like that...in our house I am the violent one. He is more of a mental abuser (is that even a word?). He makes me feel like sh*t about myself all the time, like I need help with that haha. I am 9 years older than him and he treats me like I am a child. He is constantly ordering me around and telling me I'm stupid.
In answer to HappyDays I could write a book on the excuses I have to use. I was molested for years as a child by my sister's husband which led to my not having a relationship with said sister. My father abandoned me when I was 2 years old and never looked back. My mother was beyond abusive when I was growing up. I turned into a huge **** trying to make someone love me and ended up getting my husband killed by a man that I talked to for a while. And that's just the highlights.
I don't mean to make excuses I'm just lost and need someone to talk to. Thanks again.
It sounds like it might be for the best that you two are taking some time apart. Do you think you could both take this opportunity for some self improvement? Then maybe see where things go from there? We all make and have excuses. Some are more valid than others. They are all just excuses though. At some point we have to suck it up and take control of our bodies, minds, and lives. Have you ever gone to counseling for any of your past traumas/issues? I know it may sound corny, but it really can help. You can learn new and healthy coping skills. You deserve to have a happy, healthy, clean life! Don't ever doubt that!
I went to counseling when I was younger for the sexual abuse but at that point I wasn't ready to accept the help. I went again a few times after my husband was killed but I just didn't click with any of the counselors there. I live in a very, very small town and I do not have health insurance so the only way I can is to go to a place here that does it on a sliding scale and I have yet to find anyone there that I feel like I can really talk to. I start a new job next week and I will have insurance after 90 days so maybe when my insurance kicks in I will be able to find someone who can help me.
Hey -we have a lot in common. Across the board addicts are 95% more likely to be in a codependent than someone who is not. I was in one for 20 yrs. and painted myself into a corner I couldn't get out of. He was my enabler and was just as much addicted to me as I was to him. I saw myself as a victim for most of those yrs and if I had not got out, I would be dead. It had taken a lot of time and therapy to heal those parts of me (molestation, neglect, mental abuse, rape at the hands of dealers) that kept me in the sick relationship. Once I was able to change the behavior that attracted this type of person I got free. I am now married to a man that is loving, supportive, and is in recovery like me. He never attempts to control me and only tries to make me feel better when I'm down. I look back over all those yrs I spent with the other guy and I'm so grateful to have survived and gotten to be in a HEALTHY relationship. Work on you. Get rid of the guy asap and begin the journey to healing. You will never get better if you stay. Believe it or not they want to keep us sick. It gives them the upper hand and constant control. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done but I would do it all over again just to be where I am today....happy. You can do this. People here will walk through it with you.
That's good news about the insurance. I hope you can find someone you like and trust to talk to. Sounds like you have been through a heck of a lot. So, are you trying to taper down on your dose of Oxy? What are your plans with that?
Sweetie my heart goes out to you! SINCERLY! We actually have a lot in common...... I am here if you ever need to talk. I agree with my friend ARILEY.... May be time for a break?? You are WORTHY of LOVE AND RESPECT! The mental abuse(to me) is worse than the physical. The physical scars heal but the mental ones seem to linger forever!
I have one 30 mg oxy left and after that I AM NOT going to buy any more. I have been trying to taper the last few days but I'm not made like that. Anything I do I do wide open. I just hope I have tapered enough that I won't be completely miserable during wd's.
I don't feel very worthy right at this moment but I know you are right. Happy by yourself is better than miserable with someone else--or so they tell me. I have a bit of an issue with abandonment and I'm mainly just scared of being alone. I hope when I get my mind right I will be able to deal with being alone because I am sooooo not interested in another relationship in the foreseeable future. Thanks for offering to talk to me, I may just take you up on that!
Girl, You are STRONGER than you think! GOOD FOR YOU on deciding to quit! GOOD NEWS is WD's DO NOT LAST FOREVER! Brace yourself for a nasty case of the flu and ride it out! We will be here to encourage and support you through it, each step of the way! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Ok, so no more, period!! Stick close to us and stay strong. You can do this! The sick, crappy feeling is only temporary. You can and will get through it. We are here for you.
Oh, I know all about those nasty wd's. I have quit several times since I decided to on July 23. I do my be sick and then turn right around and do it all over again. I just hope I am strong enough to make it stick this time. Hopefully when my new job starts I will be busy enough not to let those d*mn devil pills bring me down again.
good girl, no more pill after tonight.
cut off all of your suppliers.
exercise, eat a healthy diet, stay hydrated,
get some support through groups, na, aa, celebrate recovery, overcomers outreach, church, counsel with a pastor all of these are free.
take care of you, learn to love yourself, self -esteem and self- worth are very important in how we view ourselves.
you are a beautiful woman, you deserve to be happy, you are worth it.
stick around and keep posting. there is always someone around to talk.
sending hope, peace, encouragement, prayers,
And remember - you are never alone or abandoned... We are always here :o)
Don't have much substantial info to add... other than let us be your support group and focus on YOU