Battling with detox/recovery... looking for support.

[LookingForward2013]

I'm new to this site, literally just signed up... I have been battling opiate addiction for about 5 years now... Loooong story... I unsuccessfully quit in August only to relapse in November... and when I quit in August I had no suboxone, no anything, just let myself suffer thru it... Felt like the pain, physical/mental/emotional never ended, I didn't feel normal at all for pretty much the whole time I was off everything, until I relapsed in November which has lasted until last week... I have never gone to a rehab or detox facility, family/friends do not have a clue... Except I had told my boyfriend (of 5 months at the time I quit in August) about my addiction and he was TOTALLY supportive and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been able to get thru it last time... So anyway, when I relapsed in November, I basically face planted off a cliff... Probably doubled or tripled my intake from before... I have buried myself into crazy debt, credit cards always stay maxed, and checking always drained... It's a pretty long story all in all so I'm trying to skip over lots of it... But financially, for well being, to save my relationship, etc... I HAVE GOT to quit for good this time!!! I ended up getting divorced in 2010 mainly because we were both heavily addicted and numb and the marriage ended up falling apart.. And I'm not willing to lose this one too! So I went on a scheduled vacation like a week n a half ago and planned it so I would run out of them the second day there... No way of gettin more, figured this should be my best shot... I was armed with one 8 mg strip of suboxone, cut it into pieces and hoped for the best... And I need to add that this "vacation" was me, alone, with my boyfriends two kids, and he couldn't come bc of work.. Soooo, it was super stressful and I am impressed I actually lived thru it, while detoxing!!! So I took sub pieces for like 3 days, went last 4 days with NOTHING.. Having chills, moody, feeling hopeless, like by best friend died or something.... And tonight the boyfriend and I were fighting because I ended up telling him I relapsed when I got home from the trip on Sunday, because I was trying to not take the sub pieces (because that withdrawal is stupid bad too, so I was just trying to ease the perc pain until the worst was over, blah blah) but anyway, he's just upset with me for doing this again after he saw how much I suffered last time I stopped in August... So I took another piece of sub a few hours ago... So of course right now I'm feeling fine... But tomorrow is another day and I know it will be back to the suboxone chills and being tired all freaking day at work, feeling so miserable... So basically, I guess I'm looking for support/kind words... Anyone that has been thru this horrible ****, while working full time, living a "normal" life, hiding it from everyone, etc... I was looking into n/a meetings but I'm afraid someone will know me, and I live in a very small town and with what I do for a living, no one can really know... I just feel alone, I can only talk to my boyfriend about this so much, he has zero experience with addiction himself, and I feel that if you haven't been there, suffered, had that constant reminder in the back of your head telling you that you NEED more, so afraid to stop, than you will never truly understand.... Thank you for who ever reads all of this... Like I said, I'm looking for support, kind words that will help me to make it thru this... I would rather write down my feelings annonomously than throw myself publicly under the bus. I need to stop for real... I don't have another option!!! Thanks again!!!

[VICourageous]

OH that just broke my HEART..My dogs are 10yrs old..I sure hope I have e alot more clean time behind me and more knowledge about the tools we use in our recovery..The meetings are a great place to go and get the support that we so need when the Triggers of life happen..Even if I am in 7 months I still am a Babe in the Woods...You just hang tight and fight the fight..That just breaks my heart..God will turn it around for you...
vickie

[LookingForward2013]

Wow, you guys are awesome; so supportive! I am reading everyone's posts and I can relate to so many of them... I'm not going to take any suboxone tomorrow... I know what will happen... Been thru it before, but I need to just get thru it... Today I had to get my cat put down, I have had her for 10 years... It was a trigger for sure! Anything sad for me is a trigger I think because I started using so much more thru my divorce... Ugh :(

[VICourageous]

Hi and Welcome..Due to the quitting them and going back..The above was right about the meetings..You learn the tools to help you in life..Life is no piece of cake and we have our Triggers..I too live in a small town..I see no one out side of the meetings..If you do it is said "whats heard here stays here".I have had no problems..I did what you did with the Subs for four days..I was coming off the Methadone with 2 other meds.. BIG Mistake..It only makes it worse..You need to be under a Drs care on this..It should be tapered too!! The way we did it is not giving it enough time to work out the other meds...You can do it..I seen lots of people on here besides me go c/t from a way higher dose...You just have to ride the wave..the detox state is so short lived compared to years we used..If you hang on to this site we can help you with the things we use and still use to get you through the tough stage..OK..I wish you well..YOU can do it!!!
vickie

[BelleFemme]

Know my thoughts and prayers are with you...I am new, my post are new if interested. I know all about having to hide. People think I am so strong and are so proud of me, while I suffered in silence. My mom takes opiates for her knee replacements, so I told her. Was scared to tell my hubby because we were always, he still is, such straight arrows. With my career, I was scared all the time. Since I am a health nut, ironic, right? People thought I was taking vitamins, since I mixed meds in with them. You are not alone. You will get through this, and will look back on this and be even stronger! You are a beautiful human being with the blessings of two children. I am cheering you on, always!

[LookingForward2013]

Thank you so much!!! Did you take suboxone at all? If so, how long did it take you to get off of it? And what were the withdrawal symptoms?

[17mthssober275]

I went to outpatient for 9 months and it was the best thing I ever did. I wanted to be clean and sober and took the 12 step program there. It was great, and it made me accountable to stay clean. Life is great now, not having to worry about using anymore, being free from it, feels like I have escaped prison. In reality that is what I have done. I go to AA/NA meetings, they are great, having other people to talk to, who totally relate to me,the way it was and is now being clean. I made clean friends there also. Dropped all my using friends from the beginning, as advised. Life is so good now. A blessing. Be strong, you can do this too!