Begining to heal

[onestep]

I'm a double amputee...since 14 years old, now 48. I've been dealing with addiction since. For the last 4 or 5 years taking pain meds ( hydrocodone or norco ) up to 8 a day. I was running out and was taking about 2 or 3 a day...then nothing. I take one abien each night for sleep....the other night even that didn't help. I was twitching in my sleep...my arm stump, about every 5 or 10 seconds would twitch violently and my other arm would do so as well. needless to say my wife noticed since it woke her up. I, like many, have hidden the fact I take these things everyday. As I get to the end of my script I really notice depression setting in as well....now after reading all the postings I realize depression is a big part of this stuff. I am worried however about the twitching and worried that my central nervous system has been damaged or if it's just withdrawl ? If that's the case I am going to see the doc about it and try to get off this stuff. I realize I'm using it more to cope with stress or just numb myself than anything else, and also realize I just can't say no if I have them around.....I've thought about checking in to a place to get through withdrawls, but really can't afford it right now. Can anyone lend some insight to the twitching, which really is more like a violent jerking about every 10 seconds....I know this sounds a bit stupid...
Thanks

[onestep]

Thanks tex.....i tried the web site..or I think it was the same one...I'll try again. If it is the same one there wasn't a doctor listed here. The inpatient / out patient treatment programs here , I feel, are pretty shitty. Actually, 20 years ago when I went through treatment for cocaine/alcohol, which I was really a mess and am 100% better than I was, I had this councelor that was always in my face telling me how much pain I put people through....which was true but I just had a bad feeling about this clown...anyway after leaving treatment i went back to work...I worked a swing shift and was single at the time...anyway...I left work one night and went to an afterhour joint...I walked in the back and there he was...snorting cocaine in a back room......almost had to take me to the hospital to remove my foot from his ass...:-) I didn't begin using again because of it though. It wasn't till I had another operation that I started using pain meds again.

I'll probably tell her, what she probably already knows and move forward....I do get scared though of both telling her and quiting. Hell...I'm trying to quit smoking after 30 years but even that I can't kick, even using chewing tobacco while inside at work. This much I know...I really started all this **** back in 68 when I got hurt and lived in the hospital for two years getting pain meds everyday.....if I had been hurt in these past few years it would have been different hospital / addiction wise. Yes I would have had to deal with loosing my arm and leg and other injuries at such a young age, but the treatment would have been different.

[tex3]

Hi and welcome. I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. But you have proven that you are strong - you've overcome something that could have destroyed you. Now you have to deal with something possibly even worse, addiction, and it's a real *****. I agree with the others that you should tell your wife. But only you know your relationship with her, and how it will be handled. My husband always knew I was taking pills (they were prescribed) but not how much. When I finally quit, I came clean with him, and going through WD was much easier knowing I didn't have to "hide." In sickness and health, right?

Find an addiction doctor. Look on www.asam.org, the web site for the American Society for Addiction Medicine. There's great info, as well as articles about pain relief and addiction. Keep posting, as well, as you can be completely honest here without fear of judgement or anything else. Hang in there and good luck.
tracy

[onestep]

Smokethis....Your right...you know it and I do.. It's been on my mind. There of course is history of problems, mine, in this 14 year marrige. I have maintained that I have not been on any pain meds for a couple of months. It was worse a few years ago i can tell you that. I was taking anything I could get my hands ( mouth ) on and I was sleeping all the time etc. Now I'm more active but the " problem " is still there...I'm cutting back to 6 a day for a few days, then four etc. If things don't go as planned...knowing the nature of addiction and addicts....I'll tell her then go for professional help. Yesterday while at a hand doctor appointment, the only hand I have left and the arthritis is very painfull, I asked her if there was an addiction doctor she could refer me to...I was not loaded and she didn't ask if it was me, she went out to confer with a few people then came back and said " There was one but he quit"..:-)

Anyway...truth is best, but I know she'll go balistic and I'll take something just to ease the pain in my ears...:-)I've had numerous surgeries the past few years and am due for another but that's just part of life...I was electrocuted at 14 losing an arm, leg and much of my right side ( abdomen)plus other burns. Spent two years in the hospital plus other ****. My sleep patterns have been screwed up since then...tried to get into excersise in the morning, 5:00 am...but just can't seem to get up...hard just to go to work which i've been at the same job for 20 years....keep those cards and letters coming...it really helps.

[SmokethisVette]

Hi there....I just wanted to say something relating to the fact of "hiding" this from the one person that you have given your heart to!! I too had hid everything from the one I love...the worst was hiding the withdrawl's!! I would be totally WDing at his house and he had no clue. I just kept saying I was sick and stuff like that!! I popped  20-30 pills on a daily basis and he never even had a clue!! OK...so here is my point...the first step I think (which helped me in the long run) was to first admit to yourself...which you have done...then TELL HER!! I did this...it was the most embarassing thing and horrifying thing to do...I thought it would be over right then and there!! The result of coming clean with that one person....first is a big step...second is getting clean and getting the help and support from HER!! My other half was clueless and didn't understand the whole thing...still really doesn't....but he is supportive!! I will tell you though, it was a big let down to him...but he quickly overcame that..and is now trying to help me!! I don't know if you are strong enough to do this...I sure the heck wasn't...but I did it anyway...and it HELPED!!!!!!! I hope maybe this will help you a little...I am not by any means pressuring you to do this, but it helped me!! I know what works for some doesn't necessarily work for others...I wish you the best though...and hope you can get out of this HELL like all the rest of us here!! May god bless you......
P.S.-It is so much harder to hide this from her then it is to tell her...trust me!!!

[alexandra_r]

I think that Ambien is a good drug for short time use, but like anything, it is addictive if it is used on a regular basis.  The real problem is that until you allow your body's neurotransmitters to start functioning without the assistance of drugs, you are going to continue to need help for sleep.  I would suggest Ambien for withdrawal for the first 2 weeks or so, but anymore than that and I think that an addict is just asking for trouble.  Have you tried the recipe?  Also, I drink Kava Kava tea at night--it's pretty mild, but I do think it helps.  Also, hot baths soothe me and if you have someone to massage your poor muscles, that's a Godsend.  Time and good nutrition will bring you back around better than anything else.  Again, good luck and I'm sending a couple up for you tonight before I turn in.

[onestep]

alexandra_r......I'll tell you what.....I was really depressed last week, then I found this forum. I was at the end of my script mind you, stretching out my pills from 8 a day to 2 a day in four days. Man was I down. Once I got refilled of course I was ok, but this place has helped me see that this stuff will drop you on your ass when you quit. I am getting closer. I went through treatment 20 years ago and did pretty good for a few years....actually....I'm not drinking or doing anything else...yes I know I'm substituting. I am scared of letting go of these things but the writing is on the wall. It takes way too much energy to hide this from my wife or myself for that matter. I would really like to be " normal " but I also know that's not possible either. Thanks....keep writing it helps.

[onestep]

Thanks Alexandra_r and beenthru......What do you know about Ambien ???? I've always had trouble sleeping since my accident at 14. For many years I drank and did other things and passed out more than anything else....however I don't drink...maybe a beer a week really.....but since I started taking Ambein a few months ago I've slept better...of course with the norco in my system it works.....I know that one of the side effects of Ambein is amnesia if you wake up a few hours after going to sleep. I have really noticed that after three months, I don't feel like I've slept mentally....hard to explain....normally one can wake up saying " Gee I slept well...it was great to fall asleep last night " realizing that it's the next day...know what I mean ??? Anyone experience anything like that ?

[alexandra_r]

onestep:  Your body is learning to function without medication, so a lot of the w/d symptoms are just those of your body readjusting.  I had restless legs (and still do--14 days clean off vicodin), but it gets better every night.  I recommend hot baths or a hot tub for it and a couple of night I slep with a large heating pad under my legs and this also helped.  Personally, I think certain things in my body chemistry changed due to hardcore heroin use for 6 years over ten years ago.  My sleeping patterns are different.  However, your body is an amazing machine and it will heal if you give it some time.  Good luck with it.

beenthruhell:  I know exactly what you are talking about.  I, also, was addicted to both heroin and methadone and also spent a dreadful few days in a jail kicking.  Like you, I have ABSOLUTELY no euphoric recall of my hard core drug days.  I still have scars on my inner arms and I don't really mind them--they have kept me clean for over ten years--a constant reminder of where I don't want to be again.  Today, I am 14 days clean off of taking vicodin for legitimate pain issues (herniated discs in lower back).  My back hurts, but it feels great to have those f***king pills out of my system.  Good for you beenthruhell--I'm proud to know another recovered heroin junkie.

[beenthruhell]

Hello,  I just joined the forum today myself.  I am 27 months off of heroin and any other narcotic that would come my way.
This is the beginning of the end.  I know it s!**s right now, but the only way I can give you words of encouragement is this:
Its the last time you ever have to do this.  I went through withdrawals in a jail cell off of 90Mlg's of Methadone and doing about Bundle of Heroin a day.  I twitched I suffered but you know what I remeber those feelings everytime i want to use.
try taking a bath,.  If things get bad enough call for some kind of detox and get medically detoxed.  If you need your meds for pain maybe you'll need to regroup with a drs advice.

[Nod]

Hello, nice to meet you.  I've been a forum reader for 3yrs now. Nice to have you join us, always room.  Others may be able to help you more with your twitching question but I had the same thing when I was going thru WD's.  Some speak of Restless Leg but I would get what felt like restless body.  From what I thought was a sound sleep my entire upper torse would go into one big jerking twitch for about 5 seconds.  Would scare the hell out of me, not to mention wake up my wife who thought I was having a seizure or something.  I mean it would shake the entire bed real bad.  So I know what you are talking about.

This only happened for about a month or so as I was tappering off and then for a while after I was completely off.  I'm not a doctor and like I said others on the forum may have better answers. Just wanted to let you know I've experienced them in WD's and they are scary. BUT, they eventually subsided. I'm clean 5 months now!  Best of luck.
NOD