Blame Game

[odaat1]

Good morning...
Has anyone else experienced this irrational behaviour of wanting to use anything in order to be able to deal with difficult people?  Just to get through a day with people that you live with and work with.  How that edge can made the day just go so much more smoothly.
Self pity is one of my defects of character.  The drugs were a "reward" for me in all the so called hard work I had to do for others.  
I"m hiding in my room because I just don't want to have to be "on tap" for people in the home today. (my elderly parents, cranky, and my partner, very loving)  I want to isolate through this from them.  My father can trigger me on the spot.
Has anyone else experienced this??

[odaat1]

good morning everyone....
wow, such helpful responses here, I am not alone. Your words are an inspiration, and I really am open to what anyone says here.  It's just beautiful that I can post an issue, and have so much help and love in return.  What a miracle.
Today is another day, and I can't sum up all that everyone said, but it WILL be a different day thanks to you all...
Love and gratidude....

[AShellof_Me]

odaat so many wonderful responses here... the timing of your question is such a God thing for me - I'm going to gather a guess - for others as well. It often works that way.

I JUST went back to meetings... and been opening my big book again... because I AM sober today and I want to STAY sober... and life is really lifey right now on so many levels. It's heavy, but I have learned I don't have to carry the weight alone. I am not alone. You are not alone. Truly this IS a we program.

Something I just read this afternoon seemed appropriate - was appropriate for me - in the AA Big Book "God willing, we... may never again have to deal with drinking [using], but we have to deal with sobriety everyday." "AA does not teach us how to handle our drinking [using], it teaches us how to handle sobriety."  Life in the raw - sober can be so beautiful but it does take some skill :) Especially for those of us who have a tendency to run and escape... yeah? There is a solution. As it's already been said.

I started using for the same reasons you mentioned... everything crashing in on me all at once... it all became very heavy. But ya know, like MsD said, it only got worse OH SO much worse... does my addict mind still LIE to me when circumstances are tough? YES! Cunning, baffling and powerful... it's out there doing pushups waiting to kick my arse... so yeah, I'm gonna lean on my God, and I'm gonna pray myself to a meeting... until this passes because it will. It does get better. This too shall pass. It is a true story. "We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace." (The Promises BB) Peace to you odaat. Praying for you right now.

ps... if you don't have a Big Book, you can get the 12 step app on your phone for free.

[nursegirl6572]

My belief and observation has been that addiction thrives on the blame game, whether the addict is blaming themselves, or something/someone else.  I think one of the BEST things an addict can do is to find acceptance and forgiveness.  Find acceptance and forgiveness for the things you regret doing, find acceptance and forgiveness for others who may have wronged you in some way, find acceptance that recovery is not an easy road...it's FULL of bumps and bends and detours.  The more you "what if", and "but if only", the more you will stress yourself out.

The very WORST enemy for an addict (and for a lot of other people I might add) is their own mind.  If you can battle THAT, you've got a head start.  You cannot change what happened yesterday, but you can learn from it...you cannot predict what challenges tomorrow will bring, you just have to face them, but you CAN and DO control the here and now.  You cannot control the things that happen to you, but you absolutely CAN control how you react to them.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and support.  It's great that you're here talking through this stuff, that's very very helpful!  You've got a lot of insight, which will really help you, as long as you don't let your addict brain be in charge.  You got this!

[dirtydirk]

Your brain is just coming up with excuses to use and yes if i could tell you all the reasons i used it would be quite a bore  its a good thing your noticing why u use or what makes u use but bottim line is your guna need to rewire those pathways  so u dont fall back into the same ways ....keep up the self awareness and strive for a better self maybe converse with your family in spurts today its never great to hide ......weve been hiding behind the drugs  we hide from ourself its just not healthy to hide take life head on and dont put those demoms in the closet start reading those emails and deleting them in a sense!!!  

[jugglin]

Wow...I don't feel like there is anything to add cuz you have received some great replies.  I'm just going to say you are not alone...I used to escape the pressures and responsibilities around me. It's not that I have a bad life, it's that I expect too much of myself and when I can't do it all it was easier to escape. I have to change my thought process...how I respond to others, pressure, etc. Just wanted to show some support and let you know you are not alone.  Keep fighting odaat....know that getting sober is for you first and foremost.  Celebrate you along the way.

[OpenMind24hours]

I always felt, and still sometimes feel the same way you describe Odaat. I had always accepted my lot in life was to always be triggered by people places and things (in that order). When I joined AA in 1982 I had reached a bottom on drugs and Alcohol and had to quit or slowly die. I found that no longer having the theater curtain to close by using, those people places and things became highly prevalent in my life, like always front and center. At 8 months sober I was about to give up and use again because I couldn't stand life around me. Right about that time my AA sponsor and I hooked up. He had gone through the same thing, and knew I was also. So he got me to work on myself, using the housecleaning steps in the AA program. I found that I had a broken thought process that needed repair. I had to change or go back out. Just getting clean wasn't going to work forever. Staying clean but accepting life on life's terms isn't very easy for us addicts. It involves working on us. That, in turn, helps us to cope.

I went back out after 28 years clean pretty much for the exact reasons you wrote about up there. But I came back 17 months ago and I've been working the process all over again. It's still not pleasant feeling this way, but just as long as us addicts know there IS a solution and we can work on it, we can take refuge in that fact.

[msdelight]

Yes of course! Pm anytime I would love to share.!

[onthefence]

its no secret i was recently released from a very intense DOC treatment facility where they utilize a modified therapeutic community model, after the first couple months (after almost quitting and going to regular prison) i embraced the program and it has really helped me to make the choice to live differently,, something i learned in there is thinking errors and one is sentimentality, which i have used quite often to justify drug and alcohol use, by doing things for ppl and putting up with their krap, and not saying how i really feel, and then having unreal expectations, also i have started to accept that i have a role in everything that happens and especially the consequences of my choices, it is my choice to drink or use no one else s, now this may sound easy written out but it is work everyday, but i gain self worth by accepting my mistakes and telling people how i really feel about things being as honest as possible and not worrying so much of what others think about me, i am the one that makes me happy, mad, sad etc, no one else.
i think alot of these character defects and such alcoholics and addicts share, we are all in this together and we can all learn from eachother for the rest of our lives, it is a life long process, and life does get better!

[odaat1]

MS, I am so grateful I posted this and I receive your response with such thankfulness.  Drugging just prolongs the issues, they are still there when I come down.  May I PM you for more sharing on this issue please?

[Merri123]

Such good advice.

[msdelight]

Yes indeed.  I too live and work with my "triggers". Idk what to say. I started using because some witch had me wrongly fired from a job I loved and held for 23 years, my alcoholic mom decided to ramp her chit up and spent a year falling, breaking bones, in and out of nursing homes and hospitals and gave herself wet brain (Google it) and my alcoholic husband just kept on doing his abusive thing as always.  All this happened all at once. So off I went into percocet land! Guess what? It changed absolutely nothing. Its all still there. I am handling it because you have to you know? Ignoring something doesn't make it go away. Drugs make it worse. That being said, you must put some energy into You. Do nice things for yourself not just others.