Breaking the Cycle

[Anhedonio]

As I sit here going through withdrawals yet again, I wonder if there is a solution to my dilema. Relapses are turning into 'reruns' as I seem to be repeating the same scenario over and over again. Many people have ended up here when the medication they turn to for pain control ends up controlling their lives. They want their lives back.

I come to this point from a position of trying to escape my life. I got my pills by exagerating or feigning pain. Even when properly prescribed, I don't think I've ever taken an appropriate dose for pain relief.

Yet here I am, sweating and shivering, running to the bathroom, and swearing that this will be the last time. But I don't know how to make it work.

I don't want my life back. I hate my life. I want to be able to learn to tolerate and accept it without the aid of drugs. I don't think I could stomach NA, and my health insurance believes I should have no trouble travelling a long distance to reach a therapist covered by my policy.

Other than coming here and whining, what can I do other than repeating the cycle, and regretting my decision once more.

Thanks for listening, James

[bsills]

Most addicts go out within the first 40 days of "withdrawal".  You don't discuss the precise pattern of your relapse, but it may be that you did not treat your withdrawals properly, or perhaps you were beyond the really physical part and it is the "tougher" psychological part.  I think there are differernt solutions depending upon your personal relapse pattern.

[lisabet]

Presto!...your wish has been granted, Jim....smile.  Hope you're doing well.  Believe it or not, spring's right around the corner.  Thinking of ya, Love, Lisabet  :)

[longtimegone]

will someone please make this rain stop??? you all have a good day.

[Thomas03]

I know nothing about this. If you write MrMichael at the addy he posted in the top thread, he can probably answer your question. Good luck, Nicolete.

Thomas

[mrmichael67]

The methadose liquid has been found to be weaker.  At my clinic, we can get the liquid or the 40mg diskettes.  The diskettes are much better.  We pay $10 extra a week.  I would rather not discuss this all on here.  If you can, you can email me at ***@****.  I will help you out any way I can.  I can see you have to work on changing one thing, the idea of getting off of this stuff quickly.  Two mg is about the max that you should go down a week.  It is more like one mg a week.  Please contact me.

[Nicolet]

One more additional comment.  The clinic I go to uses Methadose, not Methadone.  I have heard from some clinic veterans that the clinic used to dispense actual methadone and it was much more potent than the methadose.  Is there any truth to this?  The people that took the methadone told me that they had to significantly increase their dosage when switched to Methadose.  Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Nikki

[Thomas03]

3 to 5mg a week taper off 90mg of methadone is about all you're going to be able to stand.

See the top thread. Contact Mr. Michael about this at the e-mail addy he posted. He's on MMT and knows a lot about this.

Thomas

[Nicolet]

Thanks for your quick reply, Thomas.  I would like to have the clinic put me on a taper down regimen, but they will only taper me down like 2-5 mg a week.  Another huge problem is that I have to drive 30 miles just to get to the clinic each morning, and I don't have reliable transportation.  I just feel trapped.  I've only been going to the clinic for a month, I thought it would be best to quit now before my dose goes up any higher or I become even more physically dependent.  Sobriety is something that I really want, for myself and my son.  I have managed to quit other addicitions in the past (cocaine and alcohol) so I know I have the strength to do this.  I know this will be extremely difficult and painful, but if I can do it, it will be so worthwhile.

[Nicolet]

I am so grateful that I found this site at this point in my life!  I am a 25 year-old female addicted to opiates.  I have struggled with my addiction for several years now with no success.  I enrolled in a Methadone Maintenance Treatment program 1 month ago & have not used heroin or any narcotics since my enrollment.  At first, I felt like MMT had saved my life.  I was able to maintain my role as a full time student in college and part-time job on campus as a single parent.  For the first time in years, I felt hopeful.  Now after a month in treatment, I am not sure I made the right decision choosing MMT.  I am still experiencing muscle cramping in the evening when my 90 mg dosage wears off (I started out at 30 mg) & the clinic keeps advising me to increase my dose.  The more I have researched MMT, it seems like it is harder to come off of methadone the higher your dosage.  I am also tired constantly and I suffer from nightmares.  I'm afraid to stop going to the clinic due to my fear of withdrawal and relapse.  However, my circumstances have changed & I may not even be able to continue attending the clinic due to financial & transportation reasons.  I have read everyone's postings and I have learned a lot from everyone's experiences and stories.  This seems like a very supportive place.  I am considering going cold turkey from the clinic, but I also have a hectic schedule to maintain with school and work.  I just want my life back.  I am just now getting my confidence back from not using and am actively pursuing my goals.  I don't want to lose all that I have accomplished.  I am going to try Thomas's recipe for cold turkey withdrawal, but I am scared.  I hope that I have the inner strength to do this, because this is something that I really want.  Any feedback or support you all have would be greatly appreciated.

Nikki

[Thomas03]

Nicolet, please DO NOT go cold turkey off of 90mg of methadone!

You think you feel bad now? Suffering aside (which will be extreme), you will be incapacitated. You won't be able to go to school or work.

If you want to stop the methadone, tell the clinic, so they can put you on a taper-down regimen.

Thomas

[rodewc]

AWESOME feat on the No Lortab! I hope I can be Just as strong when it comes to a few similar upcoming events... the main one in the near future is frickin work! Other than that.. there are graduations, weddings, and the worst: Family Reunions.. No stress at those things:) Anyhooo... WAY TO GO!~

[rodewc]

Happy Birthday.. Cheers, and best wishes for a long, long happy happy life~

PS: The Club Drugs are big. We have been thru it w. all of our kids. Rothetnol (sp).. the date rape drug.. they, the kids today, like that for sedation, and they like Ecstacy for the clubs and late/all nite parties..

My own kids tell me they pass it out, esp to the girls, like candy.

None of it is good for them (or us and our blood pressure), but try to look at it like this: If we lived thru Blotter Acid, THC, LSD, coke, Seconal, Black Beauties, etc (and usually a combo of 2-3 of the aforementioned).. all while drinking- driving and passing bongs.. there's hope.

Rode WC ~~

[Thomas03]

If you take more Lortab now, you might not have much WD, but taking a little will make you crave a lot. You might get right back on the train if you take one now.

Thomas

[frustratedj]

Thanks for the reply-just got in from the shindig-made it thru without - this time. Again, thanks and thanks again!!!!!!!

[Jerri2]

Hey sweetie how you doing?I'm on day 13 and doing great!!Just wanted to check up on you!!Hope you have a great week-end! love Jerri

[Thomas03]

Hey, liz baby, how are ya?

I e-mailed Big Jim directly about X (gave him all kinds of secret information LOL).

So, I'm an enabler, huh? Man, I can even enable myself ... ****!!

Thomas

[frustratedj]

I am on day 6 of no lortab 10 after 12/day. Have taken for years for cervical fusions that didn't work as result of car acc. The aches & pains of withdrawals are pretty much gone, anxiety is very high, & I HAVE to attend my daughter's Jr. Miss Scholarship shindig tonight. This will require sitting in a chair for 3 hours. If I take any lortab tonight, will I immediately go back into withdrawals? Any advice/knowledge will be greatly appreciated!!!!!!

[lisabet]

Hi Jim - want to wish you (although a hour or two early) a very happy Birthday. What a wonderful concept - staying sober to celebrate your BD...smile.  (Usually it's the other way around, heh?)...  :) Sorry to hear what you're going through with your nephew...with a 15-year old, this is my worse fear also. Thomas probably could offer you some good advice on this subject; hopefully he'll see your post and respond. Hope you have a great weekend.  Love, Lisabet

[longtimegone]

Hey bro, I ain't sure if you know the answer to this or not but here goes. I first found this thread by accident while looking for some kind of treatment for a nephew of mine. The little ****** is 15 yrs. old and my sister busted him with a tab of ecstasy in his room. She called me and have absolutely no idea about this drug because once I shot heroin the first time I never ever went back to acid or pcp or any other drugs that really whacked me out like that. I don't know if just my scaring the **** out of him like I did will do it or if he has been doing it for any legnth of time or what. I was just wonderin if you knew anything about that ****. Thats a whole different generation of kids and different kinds of drugs that they are all into. If I stomp his ******* shut it ain't gonna help nothing, all thats gonna do is make him **** thru his ears. But a few younger girls I know told me to just ignore it and it ain't any diffent than the acid i took at 12 yrs old...  For one thing just the fact that its him doing it makes it different to me. And I ain't sure if he's gonna get some bad **** or whatever. You know the odds of getting hurt, arrested or killed go way up just running with a crowd that is getting high at that age. If you have any info on this **** do me a favor and pass it on. Bottom line is there probably isn't going to be anything I can do about it in the long run but at least maybe I can find out a little more about it and if the other kids are ending up strung out for years or if they put it down. I dont know, Rambling again. if ya know somethin send it my way. Thanks bro.
you can email it if its something you are copying..  ***@****
Thanx again

[longtimegone]

It's pretty ironic that everytime I log into this forum (a forum for peeps with drug problems) all these adds keep popping up telling me where to order xanax or valium from. Strange, or is it? Personally the only real problem I have had with drugs is trying to decide if I want to get and stay clean OR remain the dope fiend that I have always been. Thats my dilema. Getting drugs or using them has never been my problem, in fact I'm pretty good at it. Anyway, just dropping in to sey hey, my birthday is tomorrow so I can't make any promises when I'll be online again. Just joking, I'm gonna try to make this the first birthday in many years that I will remember by not getting loaded. I have my daughter all weekend so I gotta keep it together. Later peeps... Big Jim

[lisabet]

Hi Jim - just glad to know you got home Ok, buddy - have been wondering about ya!  Don't worry about talking about the drugs -you're just being honest!  We all (as in "myself") tend to want to go on a binge every now and then. At least you're open and honest about it, instead of (again, as in "myself"), tend to be a sneaky weasel when you do it!...smile. Please keep posting - I really miss ya when you don't.
To my beloved Thomas:  See?  I told you, you were a freaking "enabler"...smile...kidding, baby-you're the "top of the pops"...in my opinion
Will see you two red-neck, pill-popping, hip-hopping, wreck-stopping, d-u-d-e-s....LA-TOR...smile  Love, Lisabet (..no believe it or not, I'm NOT on a binge right now....just feeling goofier than usual).... :)

[Pearl*Jam*Fan]

Your comments/posts are always hysterical and sometimes the ONE and ONLY thing, which brings laughter, to a recovering addicts face!!!!  It

[Thomas03]

Welcome back to Planet Earth, Big Jim! We trust you had a nice flight? I don't know what anyone else thinks, but I love to talk drugs. It's as close as I get to any! Come by here and talk about anything you want, anythime, my friend.

Thomas

[longtimegone]

Hey friends, sorry 'bout my longwinded post about nothing the other day. When I eat those damned xanax with my methadone for some reason I tend to babble alot about nothing. I guess I
have to apoligize for talking about the drugs I was on that night when you are all trying to stay clean. I can't seem to stay clean for any length of time worth talkin about. As for the Xanax go Tom, it's sad to say that after eating them like M&M's since they came out in 1985 or so, I have developed quite a tolerance for them. At my worst point I was eating 12 to 15 1.0mg.tabs every morning after drinking my 110 mg of methadone first thing every morning. Granted, I have been through quite a few automobiles during that period...lol and most of it was a blur but if you would try to tell me I was too ****** to drive back then I would get highly insulted that someone actualy thought I couldn't handle my "medication" Anyway those days were long gone for a year or so but I seem to get this itch every month or so to eat a handful. I made it to the bar with no trouble that night but the strangest thing happened about 25 minutes after I got there, I couldn't seem to keep my head off of the bar. It must have had something to do with the air in that place is all I can figure, maybe not enough oxegen...lol  One of my bro's ended up riding my scooter home for me (something I would have to be completely comatose to let happen, I have a thing about people riding my bike) But all for the best I guess, I woke up late the next afternoon in my own house with my bike safley parked in my garage. I don't know why I have this overwhelming urge to **** up so often but.... I do. You are right tom, if I had scooped a bag of crystal that night I would probably still be going atrong today! Those wer the days my friend!! Since the Pagans MC moved away from the area we don't see much crystal anymore. Anyway, sorry for being a dickhead the other night talking about how high I was about to get when some other people were probably trying their hardest to stay straight and then having to read about my dumb ass getting pickled. Thats why I tried to tell ya its best that I just read this forum and not post. You all are always coming up with clever, good advice for people and I'm talkin bout getting loaded. Catch ya'll later.
Big Jim - Balto. Md.