CT OxyContin

[Emptiness]

I'm only 55 hours into this, and I'd really rather just be dead.  I'm cross addicted to everything.  I gave up and took ambien last night.  Woke up in a DRENCHED t shirt and sweat.  I can't stand the sight of myself or anyone.  I'm NOT going to touch oxy or morphine to get through this.  Please I pray I don't die.  My eyes are watering like a fountain, I'm coughing, wrenching, nausea and my face looks on fire.  And the smell!  It's like fumes from burning the meds.  How much longer?  I'm going to try and not take ambien tonight.  

[sunset13]

Half an ambien is nothing, you need something to relax and be able to sleep. Being off the oxy is what matters most. I was on xanax years prior to oxy, probably always will be for anxiety and sleep and mine is a small dose, and I've never run out prior to rx being renewed. Was on ambien for a while (before oxy were in my life) but they gave me weirdest dreams and bed sweats terribly, was glad dr changed me back to xanax. I consider it a maintenance med, not abusing a med, for me anyways. Good for you on the NA meeting, no such thing around here. Love your determination, that attitude, along with support, will get you where you want and need to be. ~Have a great day!! :)

[Emptiness]

Well I caved and took a tad less than half an ambien last night.  But still off oxy!!!  My goal is to get to the country!  I'm here in Orlando area, born and bred.
Yesterday I went to a noon na meeting.  I'm hopeful and determined to be 100 percent drug free.
Enjoy your day!  

[sunset13]

Good Morning FL Friend (FLF), I hope you were able to catch some zzz's after you posted. How are you doing?? I have better frame of mind than last night, sorry for my negativity. Cried my eyes out this morn, finally letting go of some UNforgiveness I've been carrying, came to realization that only one it's hurting is me, while they are out enjoying life. A burden lifted off me, hard to describe. I'm def making my way back to feeling REAL emotions again. Had no clue how much drugs were masking them. Would have argued anyone that they DIDN'T prior to last couple days!

The plow came right after I shut computer off last night. It is beautiful and yaaay, sun is FINALLY out today, an icicle just fell on deck and made me jump as typing! You would love this. Deer are moving, seeing their tracks again. I live out in country, on dirt road w/2 one-lane bridges to get to my home. Closest mall or even a Walmart is 2 hrs away. My goal is to move to NC area, just haven't figured out HOW yet.

You are not only intelligent, but sweet too, to take in family when you are fighting your own battles, if not wars. I admire your compassion, right down to letting them take over bathtub before yourself! lol And for helping me with my loss when you are dealing with your own losses, you get me and thank you!!

Hope to hear from you before I leave at noonish today. Stay strong!! I'm proud of you and hoping that the 100 ton of bricks has lessened for you! ~hugs

[Emptiness]

Lying wide awake.  Ibuprofen pm didn't touch me.  Head feels like my blood pressure is high as a mountain range.
Yes still have "company".  Trying to help a family, but geez it's been rough.
I'm so sorry for your loss of roger.  And it being your job too, double whammy.
When my brother passed, my sister was also employed by him.
You know I've never been in a heavy snowfall!  Sure is beautiful!

[sunset13]

Ugggh, Sweat dripping off me right now sitting on the laptop listening to music. That's a good thing, right? I'm pretending they are the toxins exiting my body, maybe they are. Freezing cold out, snow plow never came, snow hasn't stopped. Feel a lonnnng nite ahead for me. Have to hit the xanax bottle again if I want an ounce of sleep. Tonite first time since Roger passed last month that I could even listen to music. Ever hear the song Hallelujah, not the church song? It's making me cry and feel good at same time. Grieving and going thru this at the same time is heart-breaking and rough to say the least. Funny, he would go to a vet for help before a dr, believed they would either cure you or kill you and didn't believe in pain meds, doc told him one good stiff drink a night to relax, but just one! So many memories and still in disbelief he is gone. He was 82, but might as well been our age for all his energy and multiple business deals. He was my employer too, so I worked for him when I was up to it and now don't have the work to fill the empty void right either. Grrrr, having pity party tonite, not how I want to be, but can't stop memories from rushing in. Crying more now than a month ago. The meds masked my normal emotions. Gonna do what you said and keep hanging in there!! You gotta w/me FL friend!

How did your day go? Still have company? I haven't left house in a week, see dr tomorrow and the one addiction I'm NOT giving up right now is cigs, so the dang snowplow better get here some time by noon tomorrow.

Glad you wrote again, feel better that you did, gonna go watch tv and pray for all of us and hope to get some zzzzz's. ~Hugs

[Emptiness]

Funny pajamas not matching.  Hang in there!  

[Emptiness]

It's been cathartic to share.  Don't bottle it up.  People do care.  

[Ladykonnie]

I admire your courage. I am new  to this forum and have not shared my story.  Just you typing your words of despair lets me know I am not alone. Something tells me you are going to be Just fine. Follow the great advise others have given you. Hugs.

[kleighn]

L tyrosine* it's been giving me some energy thankfully

[Real180]

I just wanted to congratulate you on pushing through and I also want to let you know that it DOES and WILL get better!! Hang in and keep posting...

[sunset13]

So while I was awake at 3 a.m. thinking of you, you were awake too! I'm going to add Freedom's suggestion of L-trosene (never heard of it before) to my shopping list. Right now, no energy to get in tub but NEED to! Have to ignore my feelings sometimes.

Can't wait for mirror to be friend instead of enemy. However, I did purposely get up after reading Freedom's post and look, and whaddauknow, my pupils are bigger than I've seen them be in almost 4 years! Laughter was infectious, that's a good thing! Thank you Freedom!

You sound better today FL friend! I'm praying for all of us too. That's one thing we can't OD on!

I hear ya on the cold sweats, purposely didn't make bed cuz of them, had to change soaked pjs during mid of night, laughed at myself this morn cuz top and bottom didn't match, oh well, just me here. Looks like tornado went thru bed, sign I'm tossing/turning and looks like I had fight with pillows, one ended up on floor opposite where I sleep.

Sun is trying to break thru gray sky, jealous of your 70's temps! Send any extra sunshine up north FL friend! HUGS ~sunset

[Emptiness]

Florida weather is back in the high 70 's this week.  Although it's been a dreary wet 2 months prior to this week.  The perfect storm.  Hope the weather breaks for you soon!

[Emptiness]

Great to hear you check in!  Last night for me was tough but at 3 in the morning I went ahead and took 2 ibuprofen pm, and 1 chlortab.  It eventually zonked me out.  Woke up 3 hrs later in that hideous cold sweat, t shirt drenched.  I'm sore from coughing so much.  Right now I feel waaaay better than yesterday, but once the Benadryl wears off we will see.  
I'm going to do the Epsom bath this morning.  I've let a family stay with me for a while so I did not have bathtub access last night.
I'm hopeful to look in my eyes and see clear whites and ME again.  I pray for all of us to beat this illness.  Evil evil illness.

[freedomahead]

Hi there, I hope you are through some of the worst! I know what you are going through..but wait till you look in the mirror and smile because you see yourself again..I laughed when this happened..on day 4 my eyes looked different..i could see myself different and it made me so happy..i know its like hell...everyday is a new beginning..don't give up press through and pray through this..and do some research on L-trosene ..its a lifesaver when coming off substances..it will help!

[sunset13]

Good Morning! How are you? I've been up since 4 a.m., wide awake waaaay before then (in spite of taking 1.5 mg of Xanax last nite), waiting, watching for clock to turn to 4 before getting out of bed. Zero energy, shed tears a few times, prayed, watched some TV, and was excited to see if my comment posted (I haven't finished profile) and YAAAY, you got it! No thanks necessary, I thank YOU! New day for us hun, and though my nose is running, flushed face, watery eyes, and the abdominal pain is making me hold my breath, and wrist pain feels out of control, I'm just trying to breathe thru it all right now. The chemical smell, didn't know how to describe it, you did, actually keeps me awake during night, I can taste the odor if that makes sense, gross myself out! Ugggh, over 1' of fresh snow on top of what's already on deck (I'm in VT & wish I were in FL)! Checking in on you...happy to hear that you had even as much as 2 hrs of feeling better, woo hoo! Did you try the Epsom salts, if so did they work? If helps, I need to buy some. Can't go anywhere today til plowed out, snow banks already 7-8' tall, will be checking back in on you. Hugs and continued prayers! Thank you so much for yours! I'm actually smiling as typing!!

[Emptiness]

Just getting it out on this board must have started that brief physical reprieve.  The last 2 hrs I felt physically better, amen for that, but now it's coming on again REALLY strong.  My face is beat red, my eyes are watering and nose running.  Achy neck and legs and that chemical smell of my upper lip literally makes me throw up!  This is when I get weak and reach for ambien.  I hate that **** too and want off all of it.  I bought Epsom salt for hot baths.  Better night to the rest of you.  Thanks

[kleighn]

Great job on day 13 that's great news. You've pretty much got two weeks under your belt. I can't wait to get there.


Empty-
Warm baths have been my saving grace along with a heating pad for chills. I'm constantly drenched but freezing. I finally ate something today on day 8 and I'm starting to feel the old me scratching through. I've done just about every drug out there and thought I could never get addicted and could kick it whenever. Ha! Stupid me. We are warriors and we aren't going to let you down !!! I totally believe in you, I know you want your life back and it's not too late to turn things around for your parents sake either(I'm so sorry for all the losses). I never do well with death and that's usually what triggers me most. Anywho.. don't give up.. you've got 2 days under your belt and that's great:)) you're getting through it!

[kleighn]

Emptiness we are all in this together. The next few days will feel  like hell, but this is expected because you've been putting your body through hell. Set small goals for yourself. That's what has helped me. And distraction. This is day 8 of going CT of 110mg of methadone and I'm only half way done.  I never thought I'd get this far. Your detox should not last as long as mine has but it will stil9l suck major donkey ****. Excuse my language but it's true. I've wanted to give up  almost every day and just go back to the clinic but I've realized that is not an option anymore

Just please Keep in mind this is only temporary the body is an amazing thing and can repair beyond relief. It just takes some time. Have faith. Keep posting and reading posts, trust me it helps. -k

[odaat1]

Please try to take just a moment at a time.....thinking about the guilt shame and remorse kept me SICK and using in order to forget.  I think of it as my disease convincing me that I cannot deal .... real.....
But, these folks on the forum tell me that I can....and I believe them....I'm in 13 days now from opiates and 11 days from alcohol....this is my lifeline, so I'm hanging on,,,,please hang on to it too....

[ricart70]

Hey hang in there and I know that smell you are talking about too. I thought I was going to die that time too. Even the water tasted like crazy pill chemical.
  Are you staying hydrated?  That really does help and you should start feeling a little better soon.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[Emptiness]

How grateful I truly am for your caring words.  It's all just hit me like 100 tons of bricks.  I'm biting the bullet and have to do this, because my soul can not take it anymore.  Sunset I pray for your journey and thank you again.  

[sunset13]

I am so sorry for your recent losses. I, just lost my dad/grandfather figure in January. I am on oxys and other meds (prescribed) and discovered this website today and have been reading forums for the past 10 hours. It took reading your story and the courage you had to write for me to register. I can relate on so many levels as to most everything you've said. You've had a tough time to say the least, HUGS and more HUGS!! I too, successful, been the one people turn to. I purposely OD'd on Tylenol pm 7 years ago. The hospital declared me a medical miracle by the end of 10 days as waiting for a liver to become available and I signed myself out of hospital against doctor orders. My daughter walked in to see me first time as a priest was doing last rights on me, standing at the wall with tears streaming down her face. I prayed so hard to God to let me live, to forgive me, and promised Him I would never do that again. I have kept my word. I know that there doesn't appear to be any light at the end of the tunnel for you at this moment, but I can promise you that there is!! The pills are messing with you, they are messing with me. You are being too incredibly hard on yourself and have not had nearly enough time to grieve. You have it within you to be strong, sheesh, you gave me renewed strength knowing someone else is going through the very real pain and guilt type feelings. From everything I've read here today, you will have many arms surrounding you and are not alone anymore. I am praying for you as I'm typing. Please don't go down the road I attempted, it is now a horrible painful memory that my adult kids will never forget about me. Some things we cannot undo. We can only go forward, pick ourselves up, and with the grace of God, do better. You sound intelligent and I didn't know about forums to turn to in my time of deep depression and despair. The emptiness and horror of withdrawals won't stay forever, I need to believe that for myself right now too. I feel your hurt. I'm 52, both parents have passed. I had terrible relationship with abusive parents, yet my mom died at age 57, sclerosis (sp?) of liver from alcoholism, in my arms. It is terribly difficult right now, but we wouldn't be here posting, if we weren't looking and believing for a shred of hope. God hasn't taken you yet for a reason and He does still perform miracles. Sending you hugs and many prayers.

[Spike2654]

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss you have been through in your life. This beast on your soul will be throwing every "shameful" thing at you to taunt you into using again. Believe me, it *****!! We have ALL done some very shameful, and some unforgivable things that we will have to live with, but guess what, your parents are also aware of this awesome fight you are battling right now and I know they are rooting for you all of the way!! As are we! Make them proud, make YOU proud of yourself!!

[Emptiness]

I haven't had a week sober from either alcohol, marijuana, lortab, Xanax, Valium or oxy in over 16 years.  I can take 30 or more 10 mg lortab in half a day.  Just recently ie 2 months ago I started the 30 mg oxy and have taken at least 5 a day.  Oh and ambien too.  I'm a twisted mess, but people don't really get it.  I've always been semi successful and have kept a level head and helped others through their addictions all along being the TRUE hidden addict.  IM DONE!  Or I die.