Aa
Can 2 addicts make it together?
My wife and I both have a problem with pain Killers and are trying to quit and get out lives back in order and family back together. I wanted some help figuring out how to do this successfully. Is it possible for a husband and wife who once had the whole at there fingertips and now are the verge of losing everyhting make it all right again? Its hard enough for 1 addict with the help of a supporting loving spouse to help them through their addiction. How does it work when both need help and need each other as well? ITs a catch 22 becasue on one hand we are each others worst enenies becasue we justify use when we are together however without each other how can we find the strength and incentive to clean up and stay sober?
Please I am desparately looking for answers and success stories or advise on how to do this? Can it be done? Is it hopeless?
Please I am desparately looking for answers and success stories or advise on how to do this? Can it be done? Is it hopeless?
Sorry about the misunderstanding. My husband and I have been together since 1968. I remember SHANTI, I took care of a lot of aids pts back then, heartbreaking to see our best and brightest dying.
Hehe, thanks, we're glad we can help others. Oh, for those confused, my wife of now was married for a short time before we met (one of those teen marriages). He's a great guy, but lucky for me, it didn't work out for them! She divorced him and decided, no dating for a while!
I was in an incredibly miserable engagement (for me) and broke it off with the decision of not dating for at least a year!
But we met a month into our "monastic lives and well... 15 years later, and here we are!
She's an old hat at this sort of thing. She used to work for SHANTI back in the early 80's, which is about the hardest counseling work you can do. (Counseling to end stage AIDS patients. Brutal stuff). I did my degree in Child Psychology-Abnormal Psych, (double majored with Philosophy) and at the time I think we both decided it was just too much suffering to eat on a daily basis. Interesting the decisions you make in life. Makes you wonder what would of happened if you did "this" instead of "that". But to much of that, and I'll end up down at Central Park feeding pigeons and mumbling to myself all day!!!
I was in an incredibly miserable engagement (for me) and broke it off with the decision of not dating for at least a year!
But we met a month into our "monastic lives and well... 15 years later, and here we are!
She's an old hat at this sort of thing. She used to work for SHANTI back in the early 80's, which is about the hardest counseling work you can do. (Counseling to end stage AIDS patients. Brutal stuff). I did my degree in Child Psychology-Abnormal Psych, (double majored with Philosophy) and at the time I think we both decided it was just too much suffering to eat on a daily basis. Interesting the decisions you make in life. Makes you wonder what would of happened if you did "this" instead of "that". But to much of that, and I'll end up down at Central Park feeding pigeons and mumbling to myself all day!!!
Well it sounds like you've got the right idea. Just try to be careful and not think in terms of "getting back what I once was". Even saying it that way can set you up for frustration and anger. I'm just now starting to get used to doing this (well, kind of!). If I focus to much on everything I've lost, it can drive me insane. At the same time, it's not "lost", it's just part of my past. (I'll just...keep...saying that...untill I believe it!!! Aghhhh!!!)
You know, this trial separation sounds like it may be good for you. I hate to say it, but your wife sounds like she needs to develop some maturity and backbone to stand on her own. Everything you say about her (and I know, we're just getting your side of it, so it's possibly skewed) sounds like she's spent her whole life being looked after and protected.
The best thing she could do is spend time away from EVERYONE, learn what it's like to be her own person. Blaming you to her family for things that have gone wrong is classic behavior of someone who isn't secure in their own maturity as an adult. She doesn't sound like she's capable of making serious life decisions right now, regardless of her addiction.
And I know that's hard to hear, you want her back so badly, want the person you loved back now! But if she came back now, you'd just have an illusion, a happiness that would be the calm before the storm.
Your child is about 4 years? Tough age for all this. I don't know if you've talked to anyone "professional" about this, but it's crucial you take steps here. Your best bet is to try to keep up what your doing. Keep the play dates you make, on a regular schedule. He's desperate for structure right now, and stability. Also, try not to let all this spill over in front of him. Be careful how you speak about his mother in front of him, try to only say positive things. Watch out for your tone and inference too, children are sensitive and pick up on this stuff. Also, try to make sure mom and mom's mom does this AS WELL (There's a reason children are referred to as casualties in divorce). Especially casual conversation with your son around. Some of the worst damage is done to a child's psyche this way. The best thing you can do is make it seem like all this was planned, it's supposed to be this way. And if you can step back and accept the situation, be okay with the hopefully temporary separation, he'll pick up on that and calm down. Children aren't dumb. I'll bet he's picking up on your anxiety and stress. If you just smile and act relaxed about leaving, with an "oh, I'll be back Wednesday as usual!" attitude, it will probably help alot. He's probably more upset over the tension between you two than the seperation.
Try not to be to hard on yourself. The hardest thing to cope with, is it took time to get into this mess, and it will probably take the same amount of time to get out!
You know, this trial separation sounds like it may be good for you. I hate to say it, but your wife sounds like she needs to develop some maturity and backbone to stand on her own. Everything you say about her (and I know, we're just getting your side of it, so it's possibly skewed) sounds like she's spent her whole life being looked after and protected.
The best thing she could do is spend time away from EVERYONE, learn what it's like to be her own person. Blaming you to her family for things that have gone wrong is classic behavior of someone who isn't secure in their own maturity as an adult. She doesn't sound like she's capable of making serious life decisions right now, regardless of her addiction.
And I know that's hard to hear, you want her back so badly, want the person you loved back now! But if she came back now, you'd just have an illusion, a happiness that would be the calm before the storm.
Your child is about 4 years? Tough age for all this. I don't know if you've talked to anyone "professional" about this, but it's crucial you take steps here. Your best bet is to try to keep up what your doing. Keep the play dates you make, on a regular schedule. He's desperate for structure right now, and stability. Also, try not to let all this spill over in front of him. Be careful how you speak about his mother in front of him, try to only say positive things. Watch out for your tone and inference too, children are sensitive and pick up on this stuff. Also, try to make sure mom and mom's mom does this AS WELL (There's a reason children are referred to as casualties in divorce). Especially casual conversation with your son around. Some of the worst damage is done to a child's psyche this way. The best thing you can do is make it seem like all this was planned, it's supposed to be this way. And if you can step back and accept the situation, be okay with the hopefully temporary separation, he'll pick up on that and calm down. Children aren't dumb. I'll bet he's picking up on your anxiety and stress. If you just smile and act relaxed about leaving, with an "oh, I'll be back Wednesday as usual!" attitude, it will probably help alot. He's probably more upset over the tension between you two than the seperation.
Try not to be to hard on yourself. The hardest thing to cope with, is it took time to get into this mess, and it will probably take the same amount of time to get out!
Savas and ex are so wise, they say it better than anyone, thanks for your wisdom. roxy, I just meant you and I of course need to learn from the past, I just wanted to help you, like myself, learn to focus on the things we can change. The Kubler-Ross model is so true. Denial : The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
Anger : "Why ME? It's not fair?!" (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as "responsible")
Bargaining : "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
Depression : "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
Acceptance : "It's going to be OK."
Anger : "Why ME? It's not fair?!" (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as "responsible")
Bargaining : "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
Depression : "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
Acceptance : "It's going to be OK."
You both are so right, it is just easy said than done. The ironic part is, we both made bad decisions and mistakes and shouldn't have done what we were doing. We at one time had the world and people envied us and thought we had the perfect life. Of course people never know what goes on behind close doors, we did have an amazing thing and were two really successful, well-liked and respected people. I think that is part of the repairing our relationship issue and continue use our expectations of each other are set so high. We both refer to getting back the “old” person, which is never happening there is just way to much luggage. That’s not to say we can’t get back together but I am in agreement it will come after she see glimpses of the old person and that creates her wanting to reconnect. You both are right and it helps to hear it from a woman it does, that I need to back off, since all the guys of course are saying forget her! My wife was always scarred to death that I would get clean before she did and I never understood why until now. Being in rehab before and around the program her whole life she probably expected I would treat her like she is doing me, however I would and could never.
I know I am not even close to the man she married and a lot of the qualities that attracted her to me and made her love me so much I have not shown in quite awhile, and I do believe you are right in staying once she sees that guy again and those qualities again she will want to get back together. I’m confident of that. As much as I can knock myself because I can, I am ashamed of what I have let me self become and I am a disappointment to myself the most, a giant disappointment. I also know I can rebound from this and become a good honorable man again someone to be proud of and this will be one more thing tat was horrific in my life that I went through and persevered. I did have a very hard life and way set and expected for failure but somehow made it, then basically let my selfish decisions with these pills bring me to the verge of complete ruination. During the process, I kept my job no matter how hard and I truly believe I was a good father. I could have been better of course without doubt but I tried never to let them effect our relationship or time. I didn’t heavily use when with him. But I also had limited time with him to give her credit. I did put him in danger except by leaving him with his mother , which I guess makes me just as bad as her and I think that is the first time I have ever said that or thought that which just saved me typing 5 paragraphs on how bad she was and how badly emotionally neglected our son was. But I protected my wife and did nothing and therefore am no better. Wow!!
Obviously, I am not back to that guy yet so its tough to talk about this with any certainly, however just as she won’t talk about anything down the road I am constantly reconciling who this works with the future and I can see this being bad. Yes I fell far but I also went an unbelievable way to get there and more importantly during last few years certain crucial things for a relationship I still kept like my loyalty to my wife against anyone and anything I stood by her I protected her which came back to bite me in the butt as I knew it would. I stood by her against my family and hers, I also took her side. I believed in her when no one else did and her family fired her and basically signed her off. However how did she response to trouble? She admitted (when sober) she destroyed my name to deflect any blame or attention to herself. She didn’t stickup for me but joined to get the pity vote and ultimately on countless situations she always takes her family over me no matter what. Now during what may be the hardest time of my life, to clean up, rebuild financially and regain my respect and confident she turns her back and is going to make me do it alone and go start fresh with her family’s support. My question is do I want that person back drugs or no drugs did she show her true colors now that times are tough? Sure she wanted to be with me when I was on top of the world. When using you can write everything off as just that, no matter how bad it is because that is not you. Well her turning her back on me like this. I think you are right move on and just see what happens!
I know I am not even close to the man she married and a lot of the qualities that attracted her to me and made her love me so much I have not shown in quite awhile, and I do believe you are right in staying once she sees that guy again and those qualities again she will want to get back together. I’m confident of that. As much as I can knock myself because I can, I am ashamed of what I have let me self become and I am a disappointment to myself the most, a giant disappointment. I also know I can rebound from this and become a good honorable man again someone to be proud of and this will be one more thing tat was horrific in my life that I went through and persevered. I did have a very hard life and way set and expected for failure but somehow made it, then basically let my selfish decisions with these pills bring me to the verge of complete ruination. During the process, I kept my job no matter how hard and I truly believe I was a good father. I could have been better of course without doubt but I tried never to let them effect our relationship or time. I didn’t heavily use when with him. But I also had limited time with him to give her credit. I did put him in danger except by leaving him with his mother , which I guess makes me just as bad as her and I think that is the first time I have ever said that or thought that which just saved me typing 5 paragraphs on how bad she was and how badly emotionally neglected our son was. But I protected my wife and did nothing and therefore am no better. Wow!!
Obviously, I am not back to that guy yet so its tough to talk about this with any certainly, however just as she won’t talk about anything down the road I am constantly reconciling who this works with the future and I can see this being bad. Yes I fell far but I also went an unbelievable way to get there and more importantly during last few years certain crucial things for a relationship I still kept like my loyalty to my wife against anyone and anything I stood by her I protected her which came back to bite me in the butt as I knew it would. I stood by her against my family and hers, I also took her side. I believed in her when no one else did and her family fired her and basically signed her off. However how did she response to trouble? She admitted (when sober) she destroyed my name to deflect any blame or attention to herself. She didn’t stickup for me but joined to get the pity vote and ultimately on countless situations she always takes her family over me no matter what. Now during what may be the hardest time of my life, to clean up, rebuild financially and regain my respect and confident she turns her back and is going to make me do it alone and go start fresh with her family’s support. My question is do I want that person back drugs or no drugs did she show her true colors now that times are tough? Sure she wanted to be with me when I was on top of the world. When using you can write everything off as just that, no matter how bad it is because that is not you. Well her turning her back on me like this. I think you are right move on and just see what happens!
Yes we certainly knew each other and we madly in love before the addiction and drugs. He started dating in high school, fell in total love. I had a football scholarship out of state and had no money for school otherwise, she had a prepaid college fund for instate college but parents were rich. She followed me to college and instead of her getting like $5,000 back in grant money (because she was so smart-wicked smart) instate and school costing zero her parents paid over $150,000 four a 4 year degree at very prestige college. She had some depression issues a 90% because of she felt bad because she wasn't home and her dad was in and out of rehab and her family was struggling through it. It was actually great looking back she wasn't here because she would have dropped out to help or just finished at night, instead of having a glamourous degree. Other than that we grew extremely cost during college, she felt very protected and safe with me, we drank at parties but that was the extend. She hid smoking cigarettes from me because I was so straight edged.
After college, we moved back home, which now everyone we knew were on drugs or soon to be including her family and a few of mine. We had busy professionally lives for the first several years then got married still perfect love story ending just needed a few kids. We moved into my house I built with my dad together as a investment, he lived with us our first 8 months of marriage, then her cousin lived with use the next year and a half and then her sister next 4 months. The never should have let anyone live with us specifically that early. It was the first time we weren't tied at the hip and going in different directions. She did her own thing with her cousin on did my own thing with my dad then her brother. Her brother is where the drugs started from, which had been on them since we started dating but I started spending a lot of time with and it started slowly then the story is all the same and meaningless from this point on.
What do you think are chances are now?
After college, we moved back home, which now everyone we knew were on drugs or soon to be including her family and a few of mine. We had busy professionally lives for the first several years then got married still perfect love story ending just needed a few kids. We moved into my house I built with my dad together as a investment, he lived with us our first 8 months of marriage, then her cousin lived with use the next year and a half and then her sister next 4 months. The never should have let anyone live with us specifically that early. It was the first time we weren't tied at the hip and going in different directions. She did her own thing with her cousin on did my own thing with my dad then her brother. Her brother is where the drugs started from, which had been on them since we started dating but I started spending a lot of time with and it started slowly then the story is all the same and meaningless from this point on.
What do you think are chances are now?
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
