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1551327 tn?1514045867

Can I be the First

     This is my short version of my addiction to pain medication.  I took my first one when I twisted the radiator cap off of my 84 Grand Prix and the coolant severly burnt my right shoulder.  I took an ambulance ride to the hospital and when I got out they had given me 7.5 mg hydros.  I gave them to my mom that night to take herself because I had no desire to take them.  Later that night I was stuck on a video game and my shoulder had started forming a scab which made it difficult to play anyway.  Although I was sitting still any movement I made forced the scab to crack and I would cry out in pain.  I decided to take a break and went to talk to my mother.  She advised me to try one of my pills to put me to sleep so I took a half of one.  Unfortunately it did not make me sleepy.  In fact it did the opposite, it wired me up.  I had no pain anymore and I stayed up all night playing that video game beating levels I could never beat before.
     I woke up the next morning and asked for another half.  Later that day I asked for another half.  Eventually those ran out.  I didn't care all that much but my mother was prescribed them so it wasn't long before me and her had some more.  Eventually it got to where I was buying them for my mom and I.  This was nine years ago and since then I got hooked on them and found a way to spend every last dime on them.  For me it wasn't hard to get a pain pill.  When I didn't have much money I knew people who would let me borrow them.  Once fortune smiled on me and I came into a lot of money I found bigger dealers and would buy larger amounts.  
     My best friend was killed while I was heavily addicted to pain medication and I couldn't cry at his funeral because I was to high.  It actually didn't hit me until much later after I had quit for the first time.  I met a great women and have fathered two children so far all while being addicted to pain medication.  I could barely cry when my first son was born.  I cannot get back those moments.  I still remmeber them and I was there, but the man who was there was a shell of who I am right now.
   On Christmas eve this year I was caught again by my wife and this time she had enough.  We fought all Chrsitmas eve and the next day I was to go stay with some friend 4 hours away for a while.  I decided to check into a detox center that night and there I had some real time to think about my life.
    When I was leaving the detox center  I met a suicidal guy who’s name I can’t remember.  I was talking to him mostly just to talk but also to maybe try to help the kid.  We started talking about the detox center and how it had failed me and I started to realize one of the reasons why.  I believe that some of the great things that are in place to help or satisfy people such as: rehab, the VA, Medication, etc., loose their speed after a while.  Take for instance rehab.  The program probably originated because somebody needed help with  an addiction  that had hurt them.  It may have been an addiction to Alcohol or Drugs or Sex, whatever.  The thing is it didn’t stat with a clinic or hospital full of over-payed, uninterested, burnt out doctors and nurses.  It started with a friend who cared enough about somebody to devote everything they had to helping out this person that they cared about.  Maybe this person was veteran who need somebody to listen to him.  Maybe this person was an alcoholic and needed to be locked up for a while to stop himself from drinking.  Either way the loving individual who cared about this person gave without MONEY.  They gave without anything else except for unconditional love and the desire to help.  Somewhere along the line an honest person with a good heart decided to help more than one person.  Perhaps it started with a cooked dinner and conversation around a dinner table in someone’s dining room.  Or maybe at a secret church meeting with a man of God.  Now we have these massive help places where a lot of people go for addictions and they can seem like an assembly line.  Doctors and nurses some of whom got into medicine to help people are tied down to rules and order that drains away their actual passion for what they do.  Don’t get me wrong, I am sure that some days these people may be able to tap into whatever motivation they have and actually help somebody.  However, if it is your job to help people and you have to keep doing this day in and day out to make a living, you have to have days when you are not your best.  Some may lose motivation because they feel their words are falling on def ears.  Some may have personal problems occupy their mind so much that they cannot notice that the young man or women sitting in front of them needs to hear something inspiring.  Their eyes cry out for help and they believe that you are the one that is going to be able to ease their pain with your words.  Either way , “Can I Be the First” means if you need help or if the satisfaction that you seek depends on someone caring and listening to you……find someone who hasn’t been doing their job very long.  
     Sorry this was so long and thanks for reading it.  I have to complete my mission to stay clean and I commend anyone else who can do it.  Good Luck.....
4 Responses
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Avatar universal
that story struck a chord with me, and your absolutely right about being high on life ive been clean from heroin 10 wks now and i havent needed and after care yet. i think i will eventually coz im starting to have craveings again and i really dont want to go down that path. good luck and i agree addiction can rear its ugly head and once a addict always a addict we just have to stay focused and on our gaurd. x
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
A book huh?  What kind?   Sounds like you are enjoying life right now.  Just be aware that addiction can rear its ugly head when we least expect it.  Always keep your guard up.  I am glad to hear you have told others about your addiction as that will hold you accountable also.  Having people that are supportive is a big help........Make you the No1 priority and hold your clean time sacred.
Helpful - 0
1551327 tn?1514045867
No I am not getting any care yet.  I am enjoying being hi on life right now and staying busy.  I clean the house from top to bottom every day and I am trying to write a book.  I don't know how long this "life high" might last maybe a week, maybe a month or years.  I guess if it goes away and I sink back into depression I may try to go back and see about getting on anti-depressents or anti-anxiety medication if my doctor decides it is best.  Other than that I would rather spend my life without any medication if I am strong enough to.  I find it helps that I have told almost everyone about my addiction and I now have more people to talk to and more people counting on me to stay clean.
Thanks you Sara
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome to the forum.  So how are you doing now?  Are you getting any recovery care?  You can and will get your life back.            sara
Helpful - 0
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495284 tn?1333894042
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