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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Can't do this anymore

I began using heroin 8 years ago or so. I went to rehab once and did several quick suboxone tapers, but always went back to using. About 4 yrs ago (while back on suboxone) I decided I should stop doing H and take my medicine because I was tired of getting sick almost every other day. Instead, I would smoke crack. I had done it a few times, didn't like it really. But I thought that it would be easier to control because "I didn't have to have it" the way a long time user of heroin has to have it. The past four years have been the worst. I have only gone back to using heroin maybe a handful of times and never for prolonged periods. I have actually been taking my medicine, although I ended up on SUBUTEX about three years ago because I have some weird effects from typical suboxone. In the heroin addiction realm, I've done great. Hardly used it in three years, the last time at all was over a year ago. But my crack addiction had really taken off. I've now been in and out of rehab four times because my life was in crisis due to the crack and all the **** that comes with that drug. But in treatment I would always be taken off my subutex. Pretty much consistently being on 8 mg of subutex for four years, its impossible for me to come off in a detox in two weeks. I would do it, and as soon as I got home get right back on it. After awhile, I'd use crack again. I was clean for 5 months in the spring, doing well, still on my subs but had used no crack, no heroin, wasn't even taking ambien.By all accounts, doing well. I had thought after being clean THAT LONG (sarcasm btw) my life would have improved, add in the horrible dynamic here at home and I used. I haven't felt it was like my previous relapse. It wasn't the same at all. That "slip" was almost 4 months ago. I agreed to come off all my medications in an attempt to make up for disapointing my parents. I DID want to come off of them for me as well, but if it was up to me, I would have gave up awhile ago.My mom decides to wean me off three plus years of 8mg subutex a day, in a month. I weaned and was thinking it was going well. Then, after the month it caught up to me. I got sicker than I've been in almost 10 yrs. of drug use. I beg my mom, tell her that if it took me a month to even GET sick that I would be sick (horribly sick) for a long time as well. We fight for days about this. Finally, she allows me to go back to my doctor and tell him whats going on. He agrees that maybe a month detox was a bit ambitious when you take into account how long I had been on it. He gives me a taper schedule that is maybe three months long, starting back at 4mg. Already in one month I've halved my dose. An accomplishment to me at least. Not so much to my mom. She is already angry that I'm "backtracking" and that I just need to "tough it out".  I vehemently disagree, try 3955 times to explain why. All is lost on her. I'm still sick back on the 4mg. I don't dare ask for more. She was right, I did get used to that dose. By the time I did, it was time to drop it again. The past three months have been hell. Not just because I've been at least a little bit sick this whole time, but because I get nothing but criticism for my efforts. I have no friends anymore or options. I can't leave. I can't get off the subs at my own pace, I can't even get out of the house for an hour after she is nasty to me. I have sat in my room for three months in constant pain. crying, wishing I could think of a painless, easy way to do what I really want to do. She has let me extend my taper schedule a week or two there (though not without a fight, and then not without berrating me after). Mind you, through all of it, I have not wanted to use.It had gotten to a point where I accepted I was going to have to do it all her way. That, I would also still be expected to do the things her and my stepfather expect from me while wd'ing. That all became fine with me, because trying to fight it externally and internally became too much. But the worst part of all of it, is that feeling bad that long has caused me the worst depression, add in that I have no friends. I'm completely isolated with only my family to talk to or be around. That has become the biggest problem. My mom used to be so supportive, so many chances, and never liked seeing me suffer. I get that after years of this, she is over it. I. But what I don't get is why she chooses THIS time, when I'm not only clean but trying to wd like SHE wants to be outright nasty and hurtful. Nothing is ever enough. I'm not getting off them fast enough.She says she wants me to have a normal life. Well then why are all feeble attempts at a social life met with such resistance that I havent gone out, even seen someone my own age in almost 4 months? She says I don't do enough. Then, how come you complain or refuse to take me to apply for jobs (that she chooses fyi, she won't allow me to waitress, though that is what I'm most employable as)? I don't help out around the house, I could go on. The thing is, I'm not perfect. I could do better. I know that. I don't think I deserve a gold star for my efforts. Though it would be nice for someone to point out how well I'm doing or at least how hard I'm trying. I guess that's what my therapist is for. The one I didn't want to see, that my mom pays for and then blows off all the things she says. Things like "she needs to get off these pills at her own pace" and also agrees my mom  and others in the house are nasty to the point that its becoming a very hostile enviroment for me. She says I'm vulnerable. I didn't think so at first, now I'm not so sure. The hardest thing, is how my mom treats me on a daily basis. I admit, I used to handle it very badly. Yell, scream, slam doors, basically act like the two yr old they treat me like anyway. I think a lot of it is because I don't feel like I'm being heard or my feelings about my own life and body are being accounted for. It creates a well of anger in me that has me sympathizing for the types of people who murder their parents. Mostly though, I'm now afraid to get off the meds. I do want to use now. I didn't and now I do. But I don't. Then, I just give them more justification for the things they do and say. How many times did I dramatically say I wanted to die in my life? For the first time, I mean it. I don't see a end to this. Sure, eventually I'll be off the subs (after months of pain) but things at home will be the same, and I have no way out. I NEED them, unfortunately. My biological dad is too busy trying to get my 15 yr old half brother not to end up like me, to actually help me when I need it and want it. It would make the difference just to have one real friend, or the means to get out of here and away sometimes. I haven't been allowed to drive, even to 7-11 in about 3 yrs now. When I was using every other week, I agreed with that. Part of me still doesn't want to, because I don't entirely trust myself. I was starting to again, not so much now. As unperfect as I know I am, I have not done any of the types of things I used to, but still get treated like crap. Well, I just ****** up. I found where my mom hid my subs and have taken extra a week now. My reasoning is that we were moving too fast and how fast I do it should really be up to me anyway. I also took them as directed and obviously I get no high or enjoyment from such things at this point. But because I snuck them "This is why I don't trust you". I just gave her all the justification in the world to be ****** to me. Not like she wasn't anyway. I don't know if I can take another week of being alone in this "atmosphere". Any advice on how to cope with any of it would be appreciated. Like I said, I don't have anyone to talk to and most don't know the truth about my life now, or how it really was when I was using.
4 Responses
Avatar universal
Wow, that's a hell of a story...I'm so sorry this is all so much for you to deal with...can I ask how old you are?  Your mother is making this so much worse for you. Not only do you have to deal with an addiction but someone trying to run your life who I assume doesn't have any personal experience with addiction. What you need to do is take control of your life and your recovery and tell your mom to back off...easier said than done I know but she is seriously jeopardizing any progress you might make. This is your life and your recovery and you need to take back control of both. If you feel like you are better and can control your addiction with subutex than that's what you need to be on and if you don't want to stop taking it now than don't. The alternative is so far worse than taking the subutex...if it wasn't for suboxone I wouldn't be sober right now so I know how important a tool it can be to achieve sobriety. I'm assuming you are an adult and you need to lay it it down for your mother that you are in control, not her. As far as dealing with her attitude, there's nothing you can do to stop it, but you can control how you react to it and how you let it affect you. It's tough but it's up to you to take control of this situation..and you CAN do it. Do what is best for you, not her....good luck....
Avatar universal
Sorry I used "control" so much.... It's the one word that kept going through my head while reading and responding to your post.....CONTROL!!!!!
Avatar universal
Yeah, I'm 27 years old. She has taken complete control over my life. But at one point I wanted and needed her to. But only to a certain point. The thing I'm starting to feel like is maybe I'm not the only sick one. I can't get her to see a problem with anything she has done and said, so therefore I can't change it. You really can't force someone to change. I probably should have known that already. I do at times, react badly to all of it. Changing that is really all I can do. Then, at least when she says negative things about me, my concience is clear. I do want to get off it, but at times through the taper may need a extra day or week here and there. She has been doing some of that. But it comes with a big dose of discouragment and criticism. I'm just tired of all the negativity. About everything. All the time. Obviously, I have a lot to answer for the things I have done in the past. Some of it may not have been forgivable. I have to accept that. I just don't get how in the past she seemingly took so much crap from me over and over, was so understanding (she has no personal exp. with addiction and simple concepts go over her head) and supportive....that a switch was flipped and she is a huge *****, completely negative or ignores me completely. She will see me really sick now and not do anything or even care. Way back in the day, she has given me money for dope to not be sick. Now, I can't get an extra mg of my own meds without a battle to the death. Just to give an idea of how drastically things have changed. I just don't understand why she picked now to be like this. When I told her two days ago that my therapist said I was doing great, she said I was too. It was nice to hear. Literally the next day she went on and on about how I am "backtracking", not trying hard enough....more stuff I don't even remember. I think she brought up some of the horrible **** I did in the past to make her case for why I'm still a piece of ****. Happens all the time, so it can be hard to keep track. She made me tell her every word of my session and then argued with me about what I told my therapist "I didn't explain it right". She wasn't trying to make me feel guilty about staying in on our whole vacation cause I was sick, she hadn't tried to pressure me the whole time....she had just "felt bad for me". It was almost kind of funny. As for taking control....I can't. My stepdad heard me and her going at it today and told me if I was so unhappy with the way they were treating me "I could leave". I sold my car six months ago. To repay my grandma for things I stole a year ago and also to protect me from myself. I would demand my keys sometimes and being an adult and the car being in my name would go on a spree for a day or 6. They got me a car that I'm not allowed to drive (and just had to wax off all ******* things) but its in their name. So when he says I have the "choice" to leave he means, walk or hitch to my old using grounds on the other side of town, with no meds and no money, nowhere to stay since I have no friends. I think you can figure out what I would have to do. That is something I haven't done in over a year and is the thing I am most proud and protective of. So I don't consider it an option or choice. They know that. They know I have no other options. That's why they don't think twice about imposing their will on me or being downright hurtful. They hold all the cards. They won't admit ever to being in the wrong about anything. I think they truly feel that way too. I get this feeling because I'm "the addict" everything will always be my fault till the end of time.
Avatar universal
First off....I didn't mean to insinuate that you are weak in any way. I totally get where you are coming from.  I really do. You are in a tough spot with needing help and what are you supposed to do?  I was too. I needed to live where I did and I was reminded that I was a piece of [email protected] on a daily basis because I have done and said some pretty shady stuff to get my drugs. I just want you to realize that you are an adult and you need to know that your health is your decision and your choice....I know it's easy for me to say this not being in your situation but you have to have some say in what you take and how you decide to get clean. You seem like an intelligent and knowledgable person about what you are dealing with...all I am saying is that you need to realize this and try to reason with your mother. She is being completely unreasonable and you don't deserve what you are dealing with. Please stand up for what you know is right for you.  Let them know you appreciate the fact that they are helping you with a place to live but you need a little more control over your own health...you are an adult...you have to make this clear, in a respectful way. I totally feel for you, you are in a ****$y situation... Just please remember you are an adult and this is YOUR life. Do what's best for YOU.....
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