Christmas is a tough holiday!

[Lotsatrout]

I just needed to vent so here it goes...

As some of you are aware, my wife and I lost our 5 year old son (he was the youngest) in a terrible drowning accident in a pond not more than 30 yards from our house.  He fell through the ice and went under.  My wife went in 3 times before she finally found him but despite her heroism and hypothermia it was to late.  We lost him in the Emergency Room.  That was almost 5 years ago.  

With God's help and miraculous grace we have made it through the experience but not without some emotional scars.  You see, his birthday is the Day after Christmas so this time of year is extremely hard for us.  We have 3 other kids so we try to provide a nice Christmas for them to remember for many years but sometimes we just have to put on our Christmas happy faces and try not to let our son's death be a hinderance on the holiday.  

It would be easy to pop a bunch of pills and hide from the hurt this time of year but to be honest...  I wasn't taking or abusing opiates at all when we lost him and I'm glad I wasn't.  I couldn't imagine dealing with all of the emotion while high on pain killers and I can't imagine going through Christmas on pain killers this year.  I need to be in my right mind and be sober this Christmas and that is exactly what I intend to do....

I didn't post this for sympathy from the forum...  I posted it because every year at Christmas is a very emotional time and it is important for me to not keep all of it in.  It is a release to be able to come on the forum where people care and type out my story.  Although it is extremely sad it feels good to get it out... know what I mean?  

To all of you....  I wish you all a very, very happy Christmas and let's not lose sight of what this holiday is really all about.  There is a reason for the season and his name is Jesus Christ and without him I honestly don't know where I would be today....  Thanks for listening (reading)

Mike

[Lotsatrout]

You all have some great posts and I appreciate all of your feedback.  

yankees....  You asked an interesting question...  I guess my only answer is that this time of year really makes me think of what my priorities really are and it really gives me a push to straighten up my act.  It is my hope that my sobriety will last beyond the Christmas holiday and into the new year.  Today is day 12 for me and I'm doing great.  I really believe that this is the start of something that will last.  

I guess sometimes I just need something to wake me up a little.  This will be the first Christmas that I have faced being an opiate addict.  I'm not going to make it the first one where I've been high.  I'm off to a good start and I intend to press on after Christmas.  If I can make it through this month I can make it through anything!  

Thanks to everyone for your posts.  I can really sense all of your sincerity when reading.  I really appreciate it.  In fact I'm going to let my wife read this thread.  It will really mean a lot to her.  You guys and gals are the best!

Mike

[GoingToMakeIt]

Whoa. That's a tough story. I have kids that were born this time of year. I can only try to imagine how hard it is to keep your spirits up. You are making good choices. Thank you for sharing. Holding stuff inside is not healthy.
Have a Happy Holiday, anyway! Being of a sound mind is quite the present for your family, don't you think?

[allaboutmary]

I never know what to say after hearing something like this. My heart just breaks for you and your family.  You are such an up-beat person, you must be an incredible strength to your family. The holidays can be such a happy/sad time. I think about when my sister gave birth to twins. One lived and one died. It was such a confusing emotion. Morning the loss, and happiness with the birth.
Hope you and your family have a happy holiday.    Mary

[Calzy]

Thanks for your post, Christmas is always a time to reflect on our loved ones, friends and those we have lost. It's very hard when it is a child or young adult we lose because so much life was cut short.
My wife and I lost a still born baby girl almost 14 yrs ago and i was thinking of her today before your post. My faith tells me i will get to know her when we leave this earth so i rest in that. Being clean now for  4 months now after 13 yrs of using has me thinking how i affected my love ones year after year. As the addiction made me look and feel sicker and sicker each year, i wasn't thinking how my love one's were being torn apart by me. My wife just said the other night how she and my kids had to live in denial that their dad and husband was going to die soon from an addiction thay didn't know about, and there was nothing they could do but pray. I hope to recover and be sober this Christmas and many more so my love one's don't have to remember me only in their dreams.

[hope08]

first, i want to agree with everyone one else, that is an amazing outlook on the situation. i know the holidays are tough for everyone after they have lost a loved one, but i always try to look back on the past and smile from the time i was able to spend with that person. i think it is amazing that you are making the choice not to pop some pills to try and numb any pain that comes up. christmas is stressful for a lot of people, but it isn't about all of the gifts, your right. i love to give out gifts, but i enjoy helping people out with my time that need it most during this time of year. we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and he is all about love. he is love. so that is the best thing to spread this time of year....my prayers are you with and your family!

[Lotsatrout]

You are all great!  Thanks for your posts...  what2donow...  when I read your post about Christmas Eve for some reason it gave me shivers...  I'm terribly sorry about your mother.  When I lost my mom Christmas was tough for us as well.  It's just not the same when one of your loved ones aren't there to celebrate the holidays with you anymore.  

Thanks for all of your kind words... they really mean a lot and I appreciate it.  Thanks!

And by the way, I'm glad that my little story can help someone in some way or another and yes... I've got my chin up!  :)

Mike

[1234betterlife]

i am so sorry trout. i will keep you and your family in my prayers. i know you will be lifted through this difficult time. you have already come very far and are an incredibly strong individual. your strength is very valuable to all of us. sharing this with us should help all put things in perspective. all my love and strength to you my friend.

[what2donow]

Thanks for sharing,your post really do help others just as much as they help you.

I cant even think of how hard that was for you and your family.I lost my mom 3 years ago and the holidays are so hard here too.Somthing that we did for thr past 2 years on christmas eve and will do again this year has really helped.On christmas eve we sit around with food and cocoa and stuff and tell storys about her.All good storys that let us remember her in her glory so to say.Then we let the kids open 1 present from granny.We do this to try to keep her memory alive and to keep the good memories close during christmas.There are always tears,butit has really helped me personally.Just a thought.

TRout you are an amazing man that I have enjoyed getting to know.Keep your chin up,but also try to deal with the greif in a productive way.I would be so sad to see you abuse again.

Good Luck and xoxo
Jennifer

[angie269]

Wow I am so sorry for your loss!  You really helped me to put things into order.  thanks for sharing that today. You are a great person and I wish you many blessings.

[road2recovery]

you are doing the best thing to let it out and not hold it in....You and your family are in my prayers!!!
you are a very tough man, and i admire your strenght, your post help me more then you can imagine!
thanks for that
r2r