Avatar universal

Clean but not trusted!

Hi all- I am proud to say that I am 86 days clean from Norco today, and feeling great but I have a problem with my wife not trusting me that I am clean. She has questioned me twice in the last month about taking pills.
      I sometimes feel spaced out, almost as if I have taken pills, but absolutely have not taken 1. She states my symptoms are similar to before, red, tired eyes, somewhat withdrawn. I admit that I feel in a haze at times, and she becomes frustrated that I cant explain why.
      Is this normal? How do I regain her trust and support?
Thanks Bones
Best Answer
1235186 tn?1656987798
Congrats on your clean time you are doing awesome.
3 months is right around the corner. You should start to feel clearer soon.
Yes your symptoms are normal.
I think it's good your wife only asked 2 times in a month. Lol. I know I asked more than that.
Please be patient. Trust was broken and it will take more than 86 days to gain it back.
I know for me I was afraid to actually trust my husband again.
I was afraid to let down the walls that I had put  up during his addiction.
If I let down the walls I was open to be hurt again.
I had let down the walls many times during the years and had been hurt over and over again.
Give her time. Keep walking the recovery road. Time will also be her healer.
Make sure you are totally accountable to her. If she asks you questions answer them without being defensive. As you know during your active addiction you were very defensive.
Tell her you understand that you broke trust and understand her still not trusting you.
Have you considered counseling together?
Valid her feelings, she needs it.
Are you attending support groups?
Has your wife gone to al-a or or nar-anon?
She also needs healing and recovery.
Praying for your family,
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Avatar universal
Thanks to all of you for the excellent, in depth feedback. I was at first defensive, then most recently I just felt apathetic to her doubt and kind of just quietly checked out on her.
     I realize that trying to undo a decade of lying and scamming, isn't easy, and whoever quoted I am the one who created this mess is spot on!
     I am not currently in aftercare, but will strongly check into it, as well as the test.
    Thanks for the love and support as always.
Stay healthy and strong my brothers and sisters
Helpful - 0
2083449 tn?1381354708
Hello, my brother! You have been given good advice above, so I won't repeat. Just wanted to congratulate you on the 86 days clean. I'm proud of you.  I think that time will help your wife with her trust issues.  Hang in there!

Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Hey Bones-

Can't add much to the stellar advice.  I just wanted to say congrats on your clean time.  I am sorry I don't remember, but what type of aftercare are you participating in and is your wife engaged in aftercare also?
It takes time to heal...All things.  It took my family about a year of watching me make good decisions and grow and be happy before they fully trusted me.  Now, nearly 3 years later I'm having to use meds for a serious medical crisis pending surgery....They don't even question me because I am ALWAYS talking about it and am engaged in aftercare.  I won their trust back by taking good care of myself and showed my actions in good decision making and complete transparency.

This is what it takes.  
Do whatever it takes- on her terms- so she can finally see that you are living life on life's terms- and not on the drugs terms.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It is normal. It takes time for you to prove thay you can be trusted.
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Great posts guys!!!

My life is a LIVING AMENDS.....every day in every way~

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
By the way, it really bugged me when my wife grabbed my phone and studied it or asked where I was for the hour between the things I said I did. Humility is just being humiliated enough times. I think dealing with the anger that you feel has to be released. Have nothing to hide. It's okay you are angry about it, but try not to direct the source to your wife. It was your actions that started this. Feel hurt a minute and walk it off. I would have left me, so I feel lucky that my aftercare salvaged what was left of what I had. My wife responds with me now, not to me. It is worth the wait. She waited on me for a few years to relapse and quit, hide and seek. Waiting on her was the least I could do.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Absolutely, I agree with the wonderful replies you've already gotten!

Trust is a tough one, it takes time, it really does.  Trust is something you TRULY have to earn back with actions, not just words and promises.  A loved one has heard all of the promises before.

I'll share with you one of my experiences as the loved one of an addict.  I had a dear friend (also a co-worker) who I helped as much as I could through her addiction.  She relapsed several times, and I'll tell you, the more she insisted she was clean, the less I believed her.  It was hard, because I WANTED to believe her, but her track record stunk.  LOTS of lying and deceiving, and she was good at it.  She would cry, make ME the bad guy for not believing her.  It was HARD!  I second guessed myself constantly, yet I KNEW my heart was right.

When she did finally get on the right track, her confidence in herself spoke for itself.  She no longer had to plead her case, no longer had to be so busy convincing me she was okay, because I could SEE that she was.  Plus, after time went by, and I could WATCH her progress, and see that a lot of the old habits were gone, the trust started coming back.

Interestingly enough, EVERY time I knew in my heart of hearts that she was lying to me and not clean, I ended up being right.  It's hard (very) for the loved ones, they WANT to believe you more than anything.  You have to just do whatever your wife needs you to do to keep going to gain back her trust.  Don't plead your case or argue,  ask her what SHE needs from you to help with the trust....a few things would be transparency...letting her read your emails, texts, whenever she needs to...being an open book.  If drug tests would be helpful, then do it...let her buy them, open them, and let her watch the whole process (again, transparency).  If you're going to any kind of outpatient therapy (which I hope you are)...then invite her along, ask your therapist to call and ask her to come to a session.  Do the things you say you're going to do, be places when you say you'll be there. To YOU, being 10 minutes late is nothing, to HER...it sets off a whirlwind of "what ifs".   Simple things like communicating with her in those instances will go a long way.  If there's situations where you will have time unaccounted for, it's going to be an issue, even if you're absolutely positively doing NOTHING wrong.  Try to put yourself in her shoes if you can.

Truly, time is what you both need.  Be gentle and understanding.  It's not easy loving and wanting to trust someone, but just not being there yet.  

Take care!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi well trust is not a given it has to be earned and it takes time our loved ones want to trust but our track record make it hard... one thing you can do is start a recovery program my wife started to trust me once I made a commitment to going to N/A meetings I go to 4 a week and believe me if I miss one she lets me know but with N/A comes recovery and with time the program changes the very way we think  right now you still think like a addict by working a program you become reasonable and take the steps to live in recovery my wife noticed a change in the first month she has read the 12 steps and can see where I am applying them I highly recamend N/a to everyone just because you stoped the pills is not enough you still think like a addict this thinking will change and you can live in recovery give it a shot at the least she will know your trying and that in it self will earn trust so google a meeting in your area and go keep posting for support..............................Gnarly.................................
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Bones, you have to give it time. We leave behind a good deal of wreckage when we get clean and we can't expect everyone around us to get onboard. We lied and cheated and hurt the ones we love. They are healing now too. Just keep doing the right thing and that will be your best example. Yes, it is very possible that you a e still in afog. Again, that also takes time but you  are doing great so keep going forward. And as it was suggested, let her drug test you if that is what she needs. Be patient..it will all work out.
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
Congrats on your clean time so far! I would go on line and order some videos or even watch them on here about the "Disease of Addiction" and also the "Disease of Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway" This info helped my family understand alot. Like, that it could take up to 2 Years for my Brain to adjust back from the removal of these Stims. Also my hub is the one that kept reminding me of the Time it will take, when I was almost ready to give up. There is so much to bouncing back, but that is the easy part..It is working on staying clean that takes the cake. Are you going to any Meetings or getting any kind of counseling??? This would show her that YOU are really working on this. It will take time for the trust to come back but it will..We just made our bed in the past and now it is time to lay down in it..Time & Patience and with a Little knowledge about this Disease will go a long ways for the future. I wish you the best and differently have you & her do some homework on this Disease..Or you both could go to some meetings as well.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
A test is a good idea, but my wife knows that I know how to cheat on the cheap tests anyway. It took about a year before I think I was fully trusted. It was a little better over that time, but she actually said she believed me at that point. A decade of use only took a year to repair, that's pretty good to me. Just keep working on being a better and better you, nobody gets better on drugs, always worse, so I had to show constant progress over time to make it obvious. Going to meetings and counseling helped her feel like I was sincere as well. Just keep moving forward and don't use, all the rest naturally falls into place.
Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
you could say 'let's go to walmart and get a test, right now' and go take it and prove to her that you are not.   it may just take doing that a few times to prove to her that you are not using.
congrats on 86 days.  amazing
Helpful - 0
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