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Cocaine death


My son was 19.  He used cocaine intravenously for 3 years, particularly heavy the last year.  One night he was alone, had a lot of coke, and couldn
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Avatar universal
pcalifa:
first of all let me extend a welcome to this forum. there is always
room for one more person here. second of all let mexxpress my sor-
row and remorse at your sons death. of all the things that are spo-
ken of on this foeum, 2 are much over looked. 1) not erveryonr
afflicted with the disease of addiction will live through it. 2) of
those whom addiction doewsn't kill, not all will find recovery. I
know this is some tuff stuff to swallow even now, but none of us
makes the rules, we just live and die by them.
what it was your son felt can only be guessed at. my extensive use of this evil chemical (only thing worse is methamphetamine) would tend to agree with the description of WS buroughs in "Naked Lunch." he described it as a 'berserk pinball machine in the head." my last
thought after doing any cocaine ever was to get more coke!
again let me expresws my sorrow and regret at this tragicl loss
you have expierenced!
keep an angel on your shoulderkip
Avatar universal
I'm truly sorry to hear of your son..as skip said this disease will take people and not all find recovery....i have shot myself full of drugs over the years.....never cocaine..I have never snorted it but I did smoke it.....and take my word,,,it is exactly how skipper described...and my feeling were that of getting more and more.....No one really knows what a person feels when they die....I've been a nurse for 20 years and I have most of thime seen peole die very quietly and peacefully..but i can understand how you feel....I lost my mom on Christmas morning to Emphysema and sepsis....she was only 61...I know for sure she suffered until the bitter end....and died quietly and I am trying to believe she is at peace now.....losing a mom is different than a child...I have 2 little ones....my world will end should I ever lose one of them....I would not be able to go on without them....you are a brave person....Please be at peace knowing your son is at peace...peace from this awful disease...as those that are still actively using are tormented souls.....May God be with us all.............love cin
Avatar universal
I am so sorry to hear what happened to your son.  I am 20 years old and I had a cocaine overdose on St.Patricks Day.  My story is a little similiar to your sons.  I did so much cocaine and got very very drunk and i stayed up for more than 24 hours doing cocaine.  When my cocaine was gone and it was time to fall asleep...it was IMPOSSIBLE! I started to freak out and my heart was racing extremely fast and my mind was completely crazy.  I thought i was dying! I tried everything from taking a shower... trying to relax... nothing worked.  i couldnt breathe... so i went to the hospital.. I will never touch that dirty stuff again.  I now suffer from bad panic attacks/anxiety disorder due to this experience.  I still feel like im coming off the cocaine 4 months later.... my heart races for no reason and i start hyperventalating.  Sorry to be so BLUNT but I'm letting you know my experience. I almost died and its the most horrible way I can imagine to go.  I can't explain how it feels that well.. it's something you could only understand if you went through it and believe me YOU don't ever want to touch that ****! Cocaine is my worst enemy and it has fu*ked up my life at the age of 20 years old!  God Bless you and I hope your son didn't suffer too horribly much.  Love, Cynthia
Avatar universal
First, welcome to the forum, and my sincere, heartfelt sympathy for your terrible loss. I can't begin to know how you must feel, though I lived in fear of losing a parent recently, so I can sympathize a little -- but would never claim to empathize with your feelings, as I imagine they must be  almost too heartbreaking to bear. No parent should have to bury their child. Take comfort in knowing he is at peace. Post here with any questions, feelings, sorrow, anger, etc, you may want to express. You've come across some of the kindest, gentlest, most caring and decent human beings it  has been my privilige to know. You may be asking yourself, "why?" and maybe you can find some answers here. I'm deeply, truly sorry for your loss. Bless your heart -- Milo
Avatar universal
Geeze,,,a blast from the past..where the heck have you been?  I missed you  How are things with you and everything?   I am so glad to see MILO again  love to all cin
Avatar universal
Hi to you too, Cindi, and all my friends here. Sorry to be absent for a while. Sometimes I just retreat into my own little world, especially with the recent horrific events, but I'm trying not to do that, and am happy to be back. For those of you who know about my father, he is doing fantastic -- absolutely fine on every test, and feeling well -- and he's halfway through his treatments now. Complete cure is expected. Thank God! I have been feeling much less depressed, with much more energy, doing things I've put off doing for years, and after a month-long bout of tummy troubles am free of those symptoms once again. I am, however, running up against a lot of very tough issues in my life right now, and in all honesty can't say I'm being a model of responsibility with the meds. But I'm glad to be back, and all of you, please feel free to e-mail me any time as well. ***@****
I love you all. -- Milo
Avatar universal
Dammit Milo, i was just going to get the dog walked and saw your post and had to answer. now meaty-boy is giving me that i'm going
to **** on the rug look-- it's great to hear your father is doing
so well. Post back some more and give us the rest of the story!
keep an angel on your shoulder
kip
Avatar universal
Oh God,,,that skipper is a bonified nut...LOL  gotta love him....I'm glad to hear Mr. Milo is doing good   I am concerned about Milo.....what can we do to help you?  you still have my e-mail?   you know you can talk to us....you know I'm /we're always here for you.....hang in there  we love you right back,,,,cin
Avatar universal
Bless your hearts -- after delaying Skipper's dog, I had to reply!
As they say, it's a long story, but let me reassure you there's no immediate crisis or anything like that. My dad's illness and then the inhuman terrorist attacks have made me think about not just the value of life but the importance of actually *living* it while we have the chance. I haven't been doing that for several years now, partly due to physical illness (IBS), partly extreme anxiety, esp. social anxiety, and partly long- standing unresolved issues. In many ways things are looking up now. I'm actually getting satisfaction out of my work, I have energy to do things again, and I'm feeling a little more optimistic overall. I finally have a combination of (legitimate) meds that has helped my stomach and my mood tremendously. The "problem" meds are an escape, a weakness, an avoidance of emotional pain.
Cindi, last I heard you were in need of a new doctor and very worried. How has all that worked out? Well I hope, because you deserve good care and freedom from fear. Kip, how is your father doing? And are you still improving physically? I've thought about you both often, even though I haven't stayed in touch.
Cindi, I still have your e-mail & may indeed bend your ear sometime soon. Both of you feel free to write me whenever you want. I can't tell you how good it feels to know you care!
-- Milo
Avatar universal
First I want to thank the first four people for their thoughtful replies.  I guess I don't understand how this works; it's the first time I ever tried a "forum."  As I continue checking back I see that my question is now out of the loop of discussion.  Oh well, I'm thankful for the responses I did receive.  God bless each of you.
Avatar universal
I'm new here too.  I don't think your question is out of the loop, sometimes there seem to be side conversations going on as well.  If not many people answered, it's not from lack of caring, believe me.  It's just so hard to know what to say. What a horrible, horrible senseless thing to happen. And no answer to the question "why?" What words of comfort could possibly be sufficient. I'm sure everyone who read your post has said a prayer for you. Keep posting.  Maybe someone read that and made a decision to never put their mother through that much pain.  You may have saved someone else's life.
Avatar universal
kstuebin is right  You are not out of the loop of discussion...everyone here is so caring and good hearted..the concern is genuine....sometimes there are side discussions and sometimes people just don't have anything to add to the previous posts or they simply don't know what to say...you have been through the death of a child....how does one console a mom who has lost a son...it is out of the realm of comrehension to me....I would rather die myself than lose one of my kids....a mom's death is bad enough....the pain never seems to leave me so I can't even begin to imagine beyond my wildest dreams what you are going through...just know that my prayers  no, make that our prayers are with you during this horrible time...love to all   cin
Avatar universal
I think you are the young lady that posted here awhile back,,,,a few different times..we all advised you to go to the ER for some help during one of your problems...how are you doing?  are you clean?   we'd like to hear more from you..........love to all  cin
Avatar universal
i have been reading the posts on this site for a while and I have been checking back to see how people would respond to your question.  I too noticed that you didn't get much of a response.  I can imagine how you must have felt.  It was such a devasting thing that happened to your son, it is so shocking that, I couldn't find words, so I waited for the others to respond.  People just don't know what they can possibly say in a time like this.

I think that everyone's experience with cocaine is different and it is impossible to know what your son went through.  I have never experienced anything horrific while on cocaine but my sister (we used together) would sometimes go through wild outbursts like your son and the next day she wouldn't remember what happened. I used to think that was a blessing. I thought that something in her brain would shut down and allow her not to feel or know about what was going on.  I have heard that God doesn't put you through anything you can't handle.  I can tell you that I went throuh an experience where death was imminent and it was the most peaceful, loving, beautiful moment of my life.

Avatar universal
The reason I think that the above poster did not get many responses is because we truly have no idea what to say,,,no one knows what one goes through when dying....no one really knows what her son must have endured and to say that his death was painful, horrid etc...or could have been terrible and he suffered immensley whoud do this woman a great injustice.....we don't know..it may have been peaceful and beautiful..so our lack of responses was not out of malintent....or the lack of caring...I hope that she does understand this.....love to all  cin
Avatar universal
Same here, just quite don't know how to alleviate the pain your going through. Time. That is the only thing I know of. That show "Crossing Over" is quite interesting. I feel that it can give people insight and comfort. I sure would like to spend one day with that man. I think of all the questions I would like to ask him. Basically we're not alone and our loved ones are still around us. Take care, Shotsy
Avatar universal
Why are you telling me this.  I thought that was what I said. You should be telling it to pcalif. Anyway I probably shouldn't be conversing with anyone here until I don't feel so much like going straight through the roof or jumping out of the window or going completely berzerk!!!!!!!!  And if I get any feedback, I will probably take it the wrong way and want to pick up the compter like a mad woman and throw it out of the window.  And for the past two days EVERYTHING that anyone has said to me bothers me. And right now I can't stop crying. Forgive me.
Avatar universal
Whoa,,,you need to calm down  a bit....I have already told this to Pcalif...I did not say anything out of line to you,,,basically what I was saying is that I do agree with you but given the tone of your post  you are going through something that you obviously are not comfortable sharing...how was I to know that anything I said to you would be taken the wrong way?  if you would like to share what is going on with you to make you feel this way people here on this forum would be more than willing to listen and help you including myself but that may be nearly impossible if you feel the need to jump down peoples throats for resons unknown to us....i hope you can open up a bit and perhaps ask for help or support if you feel that is what you want..it does not have to be from me if you feel stongly offended by me but there are other people here and of course it is not necessary that i even respond to your posts...I just hope you can find the help and support you need by the others here.   cindi
Avatar universal
Pcalifa - I too am so sorry for your loss.  I did try cocaine years ago and I felt like there was so much evil around me when I did it.  It truly scared the hell out of me.  I know I have an addictive personality so I know if I did not feel that I would have probaly done way too much and possibly been addicted.  I just think it is such a evil drug that has taken your wonderful son away from you and his life here on earth. I truly wish I had something more comforting to to tell you.  I just hope you find peace in your memories and pictures of your loving son.  Please come here whenever you need a kind word or a cyber shoulder to cry on.  There are so many loving people here with great and comforting words of wisdom.  Here is a big warm hug  ((((((((((((((((((((HUGSSS))))))))))))))))))))))!!! Jules
Justme - I don't know if you have posted your problems or your reason to come here but you sound like you are really hurting.  I want you to know that this is one place where you can come to be totally honest about your problems and noone will ever judge you.  There is a lot of help and support here so I hope you feel comfortable enough to talk to us.  I personally will do anything I possibly can to help you I am a pill addict who is in the last stages of recovery and I have been through hell so if you think I can help please please just ask - Jules
Avatar universal
I too read your post this morning, but did not know how to reply. I have put you and your family in my prayers. I hope you find some peace. These are very caring people on this site so please continue to post if you feel the need.
Avatar universal
First of all. I really don't at this point need anyone who doesn't know me telling me what I NEED to do. Why do you stay on me?  I was simply trying to help someone and was not suggesting any malintent, as you stated. I THOUGHT I was explaining why she didn't get many responses at that point.

I would like very much to share what is going on with me when I feel comfortable.  But I think that now I probably may not if the responses will be anything like yours.  As to what you said, I didn't and don't feel a sense that you are willing to help me, I feel a sense that you are trying to, for lack of better words "set me straight", and I think it would be impossible for you to help me given the tone of your posts,(especially the part "you feel the need to jump down peoples throats for reasons unknown to us.") I don't feel strongly offended by you I just don't understand why you keep sending me these messages. I am new at this and if you didn't have anything supportive to say to me on my first post, you shouldn't have said anything to me at all.

One final note:  I have already found help on this forum.
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your concern.  I feel so much better now. My story goes back 20 years.  I am not in the right mood to share now, but I will tell you that reading this forum has put me in a direction that I am truly grateful. Thankx so much.
Avatar universal
My heartfelt sympathies for the awful losses you have suffered, both with your son's addiction and his death.  I have never visited this forum before tonight, the only post I've read thus far is yours. It reinforces my belief that everything happens as it should, be it god's will, fate, or whatever.

I was feeling sad tonight because my 16 year old son has a chronic illness, as well as a liver condition that is likely to eventually kill him. Your post reminded me of the many blessings in our lives, and I badly needed that reminder. I hope that I can, with time, help you in some way in return.

All I've had to deal with is the possible loss of my son. I know that cannot even begin to approach the intensity of what you're feeling now. So many losses; his companionship, your hopes and dreams for the man he would become, the family he did not live to build for himself. You will grieve for these losses for the rest of your life.

When I read your question, I wondered what motivated it. The obvious answer is that you want to know what he felt, but do you know why you want to? The most difficult part of my son's illness and all the things that go along with it is that he experiences pain and discomfort that I can neither share nor alleviate for him.  I don't know if in some way you are trying to share your son's pain.  The powerlessness of it must be overwhelming. I'm not sure that even if you could know exactly what he felt that it would ease your way at all.  

As a nurse, I have been with many people as they made the passage from this life. The only thing I can tell you with certainty is that it's a different experience for everyone, regardless of the specific circumstances. I have also seen the devastation of addiction up close, both in my work and my personal life.  There is no way of knowing what suffering your son may have endured if he had lived and not found recovery.

You didn't ask for advice, and I am reluctant to offer it. But I am worried for you.  What I would say is this: think of the boy your son was, the joy you shared as he grew, the goodness in him that you could see from the time he was an infant. Know that those good things were still there in him, as hidden as they may have been by the drugs. Know that you did not cause his addiction, nor his death.  Know that it is natural to at times feel angry at him. Let yourself feel the pain of your loss fully and accept that it will take a lot of time before you can resume anything close to a normal life. Find those people who will let you talk about him, and let you express your sadness as you need to, on your timetable. Always think of what he would want for you, and take care of yourself accordingly.

I know there is nothing that will really make this better, but talking does help. Please keep in touch.
Avatar universal
I forgot to say if you would like, feel free to email me.  ***@****.  As far as the way forums work, many of these people have probably known each other for some time, and threads kind of take on a life all their own, much like a conversation in real life between this many people.  take what you need from it, and don't pay much attention to the rest. most anyone who's posting on here is doing so because they have their own issues they're working through. Hope to hear how you're doing.
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