Codeine & Alcoholism

[harmankardon]

I am new to this I have just learnt that my wife is a codeine addict and alcoholic; I got her in rehab because I suspected she had a drinking problem. Found out that she is an alcoholic and Codeine addict. She started taking the Codeine for her headaches. Apparently both cause severe depression which created a lot of our arguments. We have only been married 1.5 year and we normally are ok however over the smallest issue it turns into a huge argument resulting in her trying to end the marriage, drinking and drug taking. The last fight it was over again and I ended up have leaving, I had a break down, getting drunk for three days and ended up the last night with a prostitute, this was the first time I have ever done such a thing and feel terrible about it. My wife and I decided to try again but I knew I had to tell her, I did. It is the worst thing I could have done to her but she has tried to stick with me, she is currently in rehab and I am trying to deal with the new information (this week) that I am married to an Alcoholic, drug addict and the fact that I have betrayed her in the worst possible way. I am reading as much as I can on the addictions which are constantly depressing me. I am trying to be strong for her but find myself in tears all the time, hiding them from my wife, I hate what I have done and I am so sad for her. What do I do, the rate of success looks very low, and most addicts end up splitting up with their spouse and ending up with another addict which apparently helps? She doesn’t know wether she can stay with me for what I have done and I don’t know if I can be strong enough to cope.

[harmankardon]

Thank you for your post, I found it very enlightening. You have echoed the AA meeting I went to last night which was full of great people sharing their experiences with me. They even thanked me for coming as I help them remember what their partners when through. I do understand that unless we help ourselves nothing will work. I have a lunch organized today with another guy who is a spouse, one of the members asked her husband if he wouldn’t mind talking to me and there is no Alanon where I am. I will keep you posted. Thank you.

[harmankardon]

Yes I know what you are saying, and agree, with your thought pattern, as I said we are going to counselling and that is one of the issues, me dealing with what I have done, I am still trying to foregive myself. In terms of me drinking I am looking at it very hard, as this incident has put doubts in my head, I am a social drinker. The therapist did explain that I had a break down during this time but of course this takes no responsibility away from me for what I had done. Since then I have cut down my drinking to 1 or 2 glasses socially once a week and can honestly say I never crave a drink. I am on guard to take note of my thoughts moving forward.

[livingsober]

I would like to start by echoing uberadtx post about recognizing the strength that you are already utilizing in going forward into the arena of 'hard work' rather than just taking the easy way out and bailing on your wife. The work ahead of you is very difficult, very painful, and quite simply the most rewarding work you may ever begin in your life. I say begin because unlike a project or a specific 'job', the work in recovery is never done, or complete. I have only been in recovery for 16 months from drug addiction (crack) and alcoholism, but I can honestly say that they have been the most incredible 16 months of my life. I drank alcoholically for 27 years, and was an active crack addict for about 17 years, and never did I believe that I could ever get clean and sober. Now for the brutal part - you are both in need of recovery. Your wife from her addiction/alcoholism, and yourself as the partner of an addict/alcoholic. By your own admission, if not recognition, you may also want to take an open, honest look at whether or not you have your own alcohol related problems. It sounds like you took an easy 3-day escape, and then acted -out (or, more specifically, lashed out) at your wife through the services of another individual going through her own struggles. Co-dependency has been mentioned in earlier posts in this thread, and I urge you to pay attention. Look into a "Family" program at a treatment center. Don't let the name fool you - it is not a program attended together by families - it is a program that saves families. Whether you are consciously aware of it or not, you have almost certainly been greatly affected by a partner who suffers from a life-threatening disease. I say this simply as a statement of fact and information - there is absolutely no place for blame - whether directed at self or others - in a successful recovery. A couple of other facts are - you both must recover for YOURSELVES if you are to have any chance at remaining in a happy, open, and honest marriage. Yes, break-up's occur in recovery. BUT they are not the default result. I know many couples that have come out of recovery to be absolutely beautiful, supportive, loving unions. And yes, for many, relapse is a part of their recovery. Again, this is NOT a mandatory, or even suggested, course of action. I have not had a relapse since coming out of my bottom and into recovery. It is important for you to understand that you are not responsible for your wife's recovery, or possible relapses, any more than she is responsible for yours. You must be supportive of each-other, but not directive, or mandating. Recovery is a very personal and selfish process. I say selfisf because it is vitally important for both of you to make yourselves the most important people in your recovery. To expand upon that, if you don't put yourselves first NOW, you will never be able to put a loved one first in a healthy manner when it is truly important. You will never be able to be there for her down the road unless you are there for yourself now, and vice-versa. So keep looking for meetings and othger supports, and then utilize them. AA and Al Anon meetings are rooms full of miracles just waiting for a newcommer to come and partake. Be open, and be honest. And know, above all, that you are worth it. It won't be easy. But it is simple. Stay in touch, and don't ever hesitate to reach out to people. And keep coming back!

[Lotsatrout]

What I don't understand is that you say that your married to an alcoholic / drug addict but there is a flip side to that question as well....  Is she married to an alcoholic?  You stated that you went out, got drunk for 3 days, then slept with a prostitute?  That is so abnormal for someone who doesn't have a drinking problem especially since you state that you've never done such a thing before....  Hmmmmmmm.......  Not that I would but I know for a fact that if I got drunk for 3 days I sure wouldn't end up with a prostitute.  I'm guessin that either this isn't the first time that you've done this or that there is a piece of this puzzle that is missing.  So.... does she live with an alcoholic as well?  

I don't mean to sound condensending or judgemental but there is something that just doesn't add up.  Most people don't just go get drunk for 3 days and then for the first time go and pick up a *****....  Maybe you're different?  I don't know but in my humble little opinion you've certainly done your share of the damage.  I'd be looking in instead of out.

Trout

[uberadtx]

www.codependents.org.  CODA is a tough group but they make super progress especially when it comes to spouses. The group is a big fan of boundaries both emotional and mental.  An addict doesn't have any, and newly recovered addict doesn't have the skills yet.  I am soo glad you are enthusiast about this, so many give up and walk away.  It takes strength and the ability to keep trudging forward.  Thats the hard part.  Keep an open mind when going to AA, its a different world in those meetings but people share honestly.  

[harmankardon]

Are you aware of a similar web site like this that is directed more towards spouses?

[harmankardon]

Wow thank you for the post, I actually rang AA today and will be going to an open meeting in 2 hours to start educating myself. We do not have an Al-anon/Nar-anon where I am, but the person on the other end of the phone is trying to get a spouse in to talk to me. I have a lot to learn but will fight hard to help her and our marriage, I just need some kind of a road map, thank you.

[uberadtx]

Get on the line with Al-anon/Nar-anon today.  You can't help her without helping yourself first.  Do you realize normal people do not go on 3 day drinking benders?  No matter what stressors are going on in their life.  You have classic co-dependence here, where your wife is dictacting how you feel and behave.  Just know its NOT her, but the addiction causing these issues.  You have to educate yourself about what she did and the lengths she went to trying to stay high.  Of course you are depressed, your entire focus has shifted from her using to her recovering and its scary!!  Its not easy and its not for the faint of heart.  This is a life or death battle physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Taking part in Nar-anon will help the both of you to unite against the disease she is facing. Its true that relapse can be a part of recovery but it doesn't have to be a part of hers. I would say, "yes I realize that relapse is part of the recovery journey for some people but it doesn't have to be a part of yours.  You have choices today and its up to you to make the right ones." Put the responsibility squarely on her. She can relapse a dozen times but this may be her only chance to recover.  If she relapses, she might not make it back to recovery.  Thats a fact.  Once she picks up a drink or a drug, her only options are jail, institutions or death.  Nothing else.  If you don't believe me, walk into an open meeting of AA or NA, ask an addict in recovery. She has a WONDERFUL opportunity here. Unfortunately, she is not far away from her addiction to see it right now but that is typical.  Be patient but more importantly, get yourself into recovery!!   Stop focusing on things that brought the both of you to this point and start focusing on the things that will bring you past it.  Keep me posted

[harmankardon]

Thanks for your reply; I don’t believe I have caused this however I do know that I have to take my part of the responsibility. I know we love each other very much. We had already started marriage counselling which led to the suggestion for rehab, which I acted on straight away. Thank god I did because I did not realize how bad it was. I come with my fair share of baggage, ex wife kids etc. We both understand that we need to work on our marriage and I am trying now to distinguish between my wife normal behaviour and the behaviour of an addict. We both want to beat this; I am trying to learn how to cope and are looking for advice on how cope and support her more than anything, I need to be strong for her. I found out today that she knew that Codeine was an addictive drug months ago and didn’t tell me. She had told me that the Codeine had stopped whilst I was trying to find a rehab centre for her, I find out this week that she started Codeine while I was busting my guts trying to help. I think the fact that she has started hiding the usage is the most disturbing to me and has sent me back into depression, if I know what is going on at least I can quantify it, the unknown gets blown out of proportion. So I see her next Sat for the first time after 3 weeks. I believe at the moment she is trying to educate me to the fact that there is very little success without relapses. How do I reply? If I am understanding of this it may give her the green light, if I do not see this as an option am I still supporting her, is it better to play hard ball? My wife and I believe the relationship will be stronger if we can get past this and we are trying our best.

[Nia24]

Okay I am totally biased here, because I just left my boyfriend because he was so unsupportive as I'm going through w/d (then I found out he had cheated on me).  Coming from a woman that really needed her man while going through this hell, I hope you stay with her.  Honestly, I wanted my boyfriend's support more than I wanted my pills.  It has been so hard, doing this alone.  I would encourage you to tell her how you feel, be completely honest.  Tell her what you told us.  It will be hard for both of you, for sure, but at least you will be going through it together and not alone.  It sounds like you both really love each other because both of you were willing to try again.  So work through your problems.  Your relationship will be stronger for it.

Sorry, I know I'm not a marriage counselor or anything.  I wish you guys the best, though.

[shelly405]

Please don't beat yourself up too much. I appreciate the way you are owning up to your part in this, but I am suprised that you think you did this, rather than something was done to you. Many times our addictions devesate families, and it is the addict's fault. Not the people around the addict. I am sure I am going to get slammed for saying it, but I think what you did was react, not start this whole thing...Unless there is something you left out?

[Savas]

Well, it sounds like you have problems in your marriage that came up before the addiction and cheating. It sounds like you may want to do some counseling of some type together to work out the kinks in your relationship.
As of right now you're both stuck in a pattern of fighting and trying to hurt each other (and yourselves).  You've both done a lot of damage. the question is, can you get past it.

Try to remember that her addiction isn't the only problem here (I'm talking even before you did what you did).