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Codependant n giving husband support

Hi kim715. Couldnt get back to you sooner. Three years ago my husband went to rehab for narcs and has relapsed , as far as i know approximatly every 3 to 4 months. Obviously its been a long journey. I was on a codependant site and asked about helping myself with my codependant addiction yet supporting my addict husband whom is on a taper program presently. I know deep inside he doesnt want to be this person as im sure lots of addicts feel the same way and have unfortunately spiraled. I know we love each other to death but I know i can not live this way much longer. Im pretty clear of what is going on and dont feel denial. Anyway, I was on the codependant site and a couple of the responses i got were that my husband was a no good looser, lier, how can i be  attracted to him, tha I should leave him right away, that i need to take care of me(I am). I am not supposed to have faith? Believe me I have gone through hell. They made me feel worse!!! They didnt do that at Coda meetings. I just want advice on supporting my addict husband one more time with prayers may he succeed. Though it may be the hardest thing ever I may have to leave him. Do not want to. I just thought maybe there was some other input out ther in the addict world , I have not a clue what it feels like. I may be resentful and angry, etc. but I do have some sympathy for tha disease. Any thoughts
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Avatar universal
Unless you are an addict, you are correct, you have no idea what it is like.  I stared taking vics. 2.5 years ago.  It started as pain management and turned into so much more.  I was taking 12 a day.  I finally had enough and stopped almost 6 days ago, I felt like **** and now am starting to feel better,  I lie to my wife and that is the worst for me. I also know that I am slowly killing myself.  I have three kids and want to see my grandkids someday.  However not to soon.  May I suggest showing your husband this site and reading some of the post here with him.  Let him see that there is many just like him.  Offer to help support him and use this site for support.  So far it has done wonders for me and I couldn't do it without it.  As for the other advice to leave him, unless he is a awful and abusive husband, I would tell the other group to kiss my assss. In marriage you take the good with the bad. This is on of the bad. Hang in there.
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Avatar universal
I'm currently dealing with an addiction, and I am too doing a tapering system.  I've relasped countless times within the last 4 months. Yes once I've stopped taking vics 4 days, one time 5 days, and went 6 days clean then relapsed again.  but I tell you, if it wasn't for my husband and all his support and understanding, (and everyone on this site) I don't know what i would do.  You have to remember that a person never grows up wanting to be an addict.  He does need physical help as well as mental help and leaving him at this point is something I would not suggest (if there is no physical abuse of course). Drugs are a poisen and it can destroy your relationships if you let it.  Yes, go get some counsling for yourself, but you and your husband should also get some help together get to the issues of your relationship and find out why he keeps relasping.  maybe he feels he cannot cope with guilt he has put you through when he was using and using the drugs to numb that emotion.  Dont give up on him, pray and wait to see what the future holds. As an addict, I know the responsibility is mine, I need to want to stay clean for me, I need to know that I am worth it, I need the emotional support from my husband and his love for me to keep me strong.  but If he were to give up on me, I would continue to strive to stay clean for my own sake.  I am blessed to have a wonderful man who really meant "for better or worse" If there are other problems in the marriage (which I'm sure there is, drugs to that it creates more and more damage) seek counsling together before making any decisions just yet.  I will keep you in my prayers and keep strong, be strong for yourself and remember yes take of yourself.  As an addict I know how much damage I put my family threw, I'm sorry everyday for it.  but like I said before, I need to take responsibility for my part and accountability.  Best wishes for and your loving husband.
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Avatar universal
I gotta tell you,from what you've wrote,it sounds to me like you have things in perspective.You're not in denial about your husbands addiction.You're taking care of you and emotionally supporting the man that you love,but it doesn't sound like you're fooling yourself either.You know that if things don't change,you may have to leave in order to take care of you.
Being angry and resentful are normal emotions and you're entitled to feel them.Addiction doesn't just affect the addict,it affects the entire family.Emotionally and mentally our families are the ones suffering when we are still active in our addiction.When we start to feel we use more in order to numb ourselves.
I'm sorry that those comments made you feel worse.As an addict though,I can sympathize with the people who said those things.They most likely said them out of hurt and anger because of the negative way addiction has effected their lives.I'm an addict and I chose to continue to abuse drugs and not consider mine or my families well being.My family didn't  have a choice as to whether or not their lives would be affected.They could chose to stay and support me in my recovery,not in my addiction,but in my recovery,or they could chose to leave.Either way their lives were affected by it through no fault of their own.
You have to look out for you though.You can love and support your husband,but he's not going to get clean until he wants to,and he's not going to stay clean unless he continues to work his recovery every day.After care is so important.Addiction doesn't just go away once you get clean.The truth is relapse is just around the corner for all of us.Everyday is a fight.Once an addict always an addict.You have to learn how to live drug free.Change people,places and things.Learn new coping skills.Be aware of your triggers.Living drug free is a whole new lifestyle,at least for me I know it is.
This forum is a great place for support.Theres no judging here and their are other people here who are in your shoes.All the best to you...Keep posting....Kim
Helpful - 0
699217 tn?1323438700
well, personally I would not go back to that site!  You need support now, not ridicule or bad thoughts from others.  I have never heard anything but support for everyone here at this site, I would stay here and hang in there, hopefully this will be his time to kick this habit.  Its a long hard road sometimes but we all have our breaking point.  I will pray for you to have strength, believe in him and yourself.  Stay away from negative people!!  God bless you and your man :)
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