Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Confession time...

As many of you have heard (over and over lol) I am 135 days off suboxone.  On December 24, I took a Vicodin.  Didn’t need it.  But I wanted it and I took it.  Actually it ALL started with bronchitis and cough syrup.  Doctor, who knows of my addiction issues and past suboxone treatment, prescribed cough syrup with codeine.  A small bottle.  I knew full well not to take it --I will never fake ignorance… but, I drank it in 3 days.  Was happy to be done with it when it was finished.  Then comes Christmas Eve.  A bit stressful as always, just like it is for everyone else.  Well like a zombie I swallowed a Vicodin.  Fought with myself the whole time, screamed in my head but in the end the excitement and addiction was stronger.  Put 2 in my pocket for ‘later’.  Took 1 on Christmas day and 1 the next day.  The first one actually made me sick. It’s been soo long since I’ve taken anything other than the subs.  Of course, it didn’t stop me from taking the next two, but I did not get any good feelings from it at all - just kind of lethargy - no energy.    

Talked myself out of taking anymore.  Told myself the complete and honest truth “NO you cannot just take one - you will lose control”.  So I was done.  Back to being positive.  Didn’t feel sick or anything just back to positivity.  Then like the LOSER addict that I AM, I did the exact same thing the following weekend… I convinced myself that if I could keep it to 2 or 3 ‘every once in a while on the weekend’ I’d be fine.  Did the same thing the following weekend.  So 3 pills, three weekends in a row.  Haven’t taken since.  But there is a battle going on in my head.  
I am just a broken person.  I never expected it to be this hard.  It’s been a LONG time without.  I started suboxone in March 2006 so it’s been that long since I’ve taken anything other than suboxone.  I thought I was doing so well.  I come to this site and I tell people all the time how great life is clean (cause I know in my soul it is) and how they can do it etc and I’m such a f’ing hypocrite because I wasn’t able to do it.

The first time I felt very guilty.  I told my fiancée.  He is very supportive and he’s been watching me like a hawk now -- but let’s face it - I’m an addict and a well-seasoned pro at deception.  The second and third times I felt less and less guilty and told no one.  I see those old addict behaviors coming back.  

I’m not taking anything now.   And will not take anything this weekend.  I have the mind set. This is not an all out bender.  Although I did have to talk myself away from the “well you already messed up, what difference does it make if you take 3 or 30” thought process… I know on the scale of relapse a few pills is not that big.  I’m not ‘dependent’ on them again.  I also know that I am playing Russian Roulette right now.  And my addiction is trying to soothe me into thinking I can control it, which I know I cannot.   I know what a slippery slope it is.  I’ve been here so many times.  Being sooo sick with the sub detox, I prayed and swore to God I would never use again.  And there I go, making promises and not keeping them..again..  I didn’t have pain, there was no reason to take them other than to get high.  I didn’t take it to ‘cope’ I took it to get high.  I didn’t feel bad before I took it.  I just wanted to feel high.   Sorry this is so long winded, seems I cant write anything short ever.  I fought really hard on whether to post it at all.  Very embarrassed and disgusted.  But if I cannot be honest here with all of you who have supported me since day 1, then I won’t find myself being honest anywhere.  Sorry if anyone is disappointed.  I took my tracker off.  I won’t put one back up.  I’m not counting anymore.  I am literally doing this one day at a time.  
18 Responses
Avatar universal
I am so proud of you for posting this. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. We talked about this and im glad you put it out there because this holds you accountable. We can't use just once, the mind games begin and the game begins. At least you have recognized this fast and now talking about it. Hiding from our addiction can be lethal and then it's a matter of time before we break. It's nice to see you back on here more again posting and helping. You need the support also and WILL NOT continue this behaviour, it's not acceptable. You have come such a long way and i have looked up to you since you got here so don't **** me off, lol. You will be fine girl and we are all here to help. You did great posting this:)
Avatar universal
I am also very proud of you for posting....We are not losers , we are fighting a tough battle, one that you will win...
I remember when i came here, and people were talking about the steps, meetings, etc, sponsors, I just thought to myself, well I got this...and once i get clean, I will never ever go back....my willpower was strong., or so i thought....
this forum and great people kept me clean through some really difficult times...When i hit my first bump ( very early in recovery) I started seeing a addiction counsouler...that helped a great deal...Then recently i hit another BIG bump...I prayed, I prayed, I read, and read, nothing was helping and my  mind was scaring the **** out of me...
After reading from people that had alot of more clean time then me...I realized that I beter find a meeting fast...I was lucky to find on, and i love it...I feel so much better...I am working the steps again..but this time, a bit different..The reason i think it is different, is because i just gave it up...By that i mean, i totally said I cannot do this on my own, I will fail, I will fall in the 80% that i read about that can't stay clean without aftercare...
A long time ago, I would have said " i don't need it , i am good"...But now i know that to NOT be the case...
Please don't think i am preaching, Only being honest...You didn't go back into the whole addiciton thing, so see if you can do something different..my prayers are with you, and you are one strong lady!!
442658 tn?1563386491
aww..it s ok...i know how you feel believe me.   first of all as giz said you are no way a loser....as we discussed yesterday i been soul searching myself.  i been googling everything about addiction.  one thing i learned new yesterday is that after we stop the drugs they still remain in our body fat tissues.  our tissues turn over ever so often and release the drug remains stored and somehow it gets to our brain causing cravings and relapse.  one article said this may happen for years.   i don t know if it s true but it makes sense to me.  you know where you are coming from and the confession is the first big step.  it s just a battle we have to fight everyday for the rest of our lives.  :(   sad but we will make it.  one day at a time...one second at a time...whatever fits us.
maybe this is just something you had to find out for yourself and now it s over.  you said you felt bad and i guess that is a good thing.  i think it s just part of our journey and please don t feel bad.  you did the right thing by getting it out.  now you can just keep moving forward one day at a time.   you re a special person to me...always been very uplifting and kind.  if you ever need help please ask.  i ll try my best to help us both and years from now i hope we are still climbing up..love and hugs to ya.....maria  
Avatar universal
When you fall off the horse/wagon/bike etc. you have to get right back up there.   We all make mistakes in life, the real trick is what you do with the knowledge you gained during your you trial period.  So...What are you going to do with you new knowledge about yourself and your addiction?  Are you going to kick yourself when you are down (if it were me making this confession, would you kick at me?) or are you going to pull yourself up by the bootstraps (ever picture that mentally?) and learn something?  What you advise somebody else on here?  

Sorry for all the cliche's, I just woke up and am not feeling original...about 20 days off of hydro and 4 days off smokes...arggggghhhhh!

What's so great about peace, love and happiness?
Avatar universal
It is good you posted and are being honest with yourself. You will move forward and remember you said you did not get the high from it so maybe that will help not using again.  Take care and yes one day at a time.
390416 tn?1275185087
You are NOT a loser...you are a sick person tryign to get better.

I think you know the answer to your own question. I have found the ONLY thing that works for me is WORKING a "PROGRAM of RECOVERY" (like AA or NA).  

I know meetings dont' work for everyone...but i think one needs to give it a fair shot of at least 6 months. I have seen so many people white knuckle it and after a yr. in the program they say they are sooo glad they stuck it out.

I have been sober for 18+yrs. and clean for almost 1 yr.from vics. ( At 141/2 yrs sober i decided to recreationally take vics...well....2 1/2 yrs. later i knew I had to stop).

I tired for many yrs. to get sober...it wasn't until after I started attending AA that I stayed sober. I think this forum is good while you are detoxing and to hang around for a while, but i think people also need to be w/ other recovering people...IN PERSON...and get to know people so they can call you on your ****. I need to be accountable...to myself and seeing the same people week after week lets me do that. Also...watching the newcomer in AA....REMINDS me of where I do not want to return. I have made many great friends in AA.

I think many peolpe get hung up on....well...I didn't like that meeting or those people.........then keep going to meetings until you find one that you like and you can relate. R2R gave you good advice.

STAYING clean and sober..is all about CHANGING your life ...the way you think,feel, and how you react to different situations. You can learn all these tools thru working a program of recovery.


DIG DEEP AND FIND THE STRENGTH...I know you can do it!!!

Get off this merry-go-round of addiction...cuz IT *****!!

Good luck...keep posting!!!!
214607 tn?1287677559
It happens. We have all be there. The first time I got clean, I made it to almost 3 months. I ran into my dealer, and thought I could buy an oxy 80 and break it up into 4 peices and take it once and a while. Well, I finished that pill, the whole pill, that night and it unleashed the demon inside me once again. Before I knew it, I was back to eating pills every day. Granted I didn't get back up to 12-15 80's a day, but I got back up to like 6 80's a day. I stopped paying my bills completely..it was a nightmare..all cause I thought I had my addiction under control. I realized then, once and addict, always an addict..and I can never take them once and a while.

But you realized it, just as I did...and you didn't get out of hand like I did...so good for you....

We are proud of you and all are here for you if you need anything at all...

Avatar universal
There is a book by Alan Carr called "The easy way to stop smoking"  read it!!!!!!!!!   What have you got to lose.  

It worked for me and my fiance and my mother.  Also some friends of mine.  To be honest with you, everyone I know that has read it has quit!  It is truly an amazing book.  He has one for drinking too.  I haven't had a drink since Sep 01 2006.  I havent had a ciggarette since Feb 01 2007.  I promise that it works...  Like I said.  What have you got to loose...  Good luck, and let me know if it helps :-)
306455 tn?1288862071
I'm not surprised at the relapse. I'm not surprised at any one's relapse. We are addicts and we're fighting the biggest, longest battle of our lives...for the rest of our lives.
But you are a winner, because you're back here, confessing and getting back to the project at hand. You're fighting the fight. Keep up the good work! And don't be messing with that $hit again!  And where pray tell, did you get it from? LOL Does someone need to be eliminated?
Avatar universal
You guys are so great and thank you so much, really from my heart.  Your support overwhelms me gives me goosebumps - and I HATE goosebumps lol!  Every single one of you.  I cannot eliminate the person who has and they are not an addict nor is it their problem.  I would love to say - well someone gave them to me or put it in my face.  But I can't say that - I conived and schemed my way to taking them without anyone noticing.  No one gave them to me, nor would this person ever give them to me.. But like I said..I am a pro at this stage of the game.  I have to learn how to stay on top of it and how to say no to myself every time.. not just sometimes.  Thanks again.  Love you guys.  
521742 tn?1255107015
You are sooo not a loser. You are so brave to write this and I would like to thank you for it. There are so many who struggle everyday with the thought "ohhh whats one pill" especially when they are going through difficult times whether it be the holidays or stress and more most its pain issues. They are tricked into believing they can take one or two mayb even a whole script and the addiction is behind them. Its never behind you its always lurcking right in front of you. Thank you and you should be sooo proud of yourself for dusting yourself off and getting right on the wagon again. Love Deb
372880 tn?1332879487
Just wanted to echo all the above posts...
Unfortunately relapse is often times a part of the/our process, even years after not using.
I'm truthfully very proud and envious of your will. You are dealing with the inevitable mental battle.This is the all out war....
I quit my addiction to narcotics during preg and beast feeding then soon found myself back @ square 1...Why, choice...Bad choices...I'm ashamed of myself, mad all the time, unhappy, down right exhausted! but still not willing to change...
Your awesome, continue to fight the good fight. I promise it still ***** to be a slave in chains...
611067 tn?1458591483
YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!  This is a tough thing to try and stay away from such strong desires.  I agree with everyone else!  I am so proud of you - you were able to come here and be honest.  That shows a true desire to get clean and stay that way.  I feel that although you have the mental addiction - you should be okay physically.  Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.  You will be in my prayers!  

401095 tn?1351391770
no way r u a loser..and you dont have to fess up to anything..but if it makes u feel better then i am glad u did..only person u have to fess up to is urself....and u have and u will win this battle...remember the tapering from sub and how it felt...u never want to do that again i know girl..u r a strong person from what i have read, whom i respect....just a bump in the road and u pulled urself back up and u r back on track again
It is so so so easy to forget the pain addiction caused us it seems..time goes by and we think we can be responsible...i guess it takes a while sometimes to figure out that we can not....i would be proud that u caught urself before this became a full blown problem again....i have faith in u and all will fine
527810 tn?1244991867
wow you are great! I am happy you posted this, I know its cliche but honesty is the first step and no one in the world is perfect but as long as we dont stop trying day after day one foot in front of the other we are doing the best we possibly can. Thank you for sharing it means so much to so many people Im sure. I was touched!
222369 tn?1274474635
OK, the guilt ends now, OK? First of all, I know every feeling you're describing. I also bet there's not a person here that doesn't relate. We wouldn't be proper addicts if we didn't relapse. You just have to buckle in and go forward. The last plan didn't work, so give some serious thought as to why. It's a learning experience...and when we fail....it's always a step forward, because we learn something about why it didn't work. Get yourself back on the wagon, get rid of anything not HELPING your recovery (ie. guilt), and work on moving forward. If you need anything, I'm here...God bless, GaGuy
372416 tn?1242665752
You deserve a metal for being so honest!  MedHelp will send you one shortly by Fed Ex.
199177 tn?1490498534
Its sooooo hard sometimes the most impornant thing is that you are being honest with yourself .This is one of the areas were reovery care comes in .Have someone close by when you need them .We are all here for you .I am so proud that you were honest with yourself  that a wonderful step forward for anyone with addiction...
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