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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Day 1 - NO MORE VICODINE!

Not kidding. I have had it. More to my story but in short. On and off for 5 years. Up to 8-12 pills of anything from 5-7.5 a day, mix in the time to time Diladed, Perc, Tramedol, benzo, Oxy, etc when I was moving from script to script, or waiting for a refill. I do have medical problems, back and nexk pain from Mortar attack in Iraq, and FREQUENT Kidney stones (This is my biggest problem with getting extra doses of pills, with my on and off normal doses)

I am day 1 of cold-turkey (8am on the 31st wasmy last 3). I stopped once for 9 months, had a kidney stone, took some that day, the next day, tried to stop because I passed the stone and, WHAM! the whole bottle is gone.

My biggest things by coming to this forum are: I can't openly admit that I have this problem. I don't have the support I need if I were to do it, which brings me to the second, I need more support and maybe if I become active on this site, I will get it. I feel like there is a community here. Some come to say "Hi, I have this," and leave, others are here helping those that stop in or helping those that stay. I would like to stay if you would have me.

And LAST, at the moment anyway. I need to know how to stop my mental addictoin. I can handle the W/D but the constant "go shopping" attitude that works is crazy. I can't drop it, I would say it consumes me. I need some tips on how to break my mind of the habbit. I do have physical problems that I need pain meds for but in the end I don't really need them. I never take tham as Rx and I never take them PRN. What the hell would I only take 2 for when I can take 8?! THEN I need the mental support and help to DO THE RIGHT THING when I REALLY need pain meds. Lets face it, stuff hurts, Kidney Stones HURT. They give me morpine in the hospital and send me home with 30pills. I need to have the mental ability to say NO MORE! when my pain/shone is done.

Anyway, this is me, Nice to meet you, I look forward to hearing from people and I can't want to update my clean state, happieness, and the ability to help others without a clouded mind. Thanks in advance. I just realized I shaid I would keep it short, woops.
23 Responses
1416133 tn?1351123217
Welcome!!  I'm glad you found your way here.  :)
3517260 tn?1388877193
Yes welcome,you are in the right place admitting we have a problem is the first step.I am just getting clean myself so if this junkie can do it so can you.Keith
Avatar universal
Hey MS, Welcome! Of course we'll have you. Pull up a chair and get comfy. Your story sounds so much like the majority of us. Once the switch is flipped,the party's over, but life again begins. I understand the no support thing at home. I found this site to be a Godsend during detox, educating myself about this disease and now in giving back. The mental is hard. For me the fear of continuing to use finally outweighed any false sense of wellbeing I had on pills. Keep posting, You'll get much support. Your in good company.
2083449 tn?1381354708
Hi MSmith, and welcome to the forum! We would love to have you here! First, thank you so much for your service in Iraq! I'm sorry that you were hurt! Congrats on your decision to quit! You will find lots of great support here! Since you've been through the withdrawals before, you know what you are in for as far as physical symptoms! You can check out the Thomas Recipe, the link is at the bottom of the page, you will find things the can help ease the symptoms! Most important is to stay very well hydrated, take Immodium for stomach and bathroom issues, stay nourished by drinking Ensure or Boost if you can't eat, and get some mild exercise, walks outside if possible!

As far as the mental/mind issues that is more difficult! Staying busy will help keep your mind occupied! What is your plan to deal with your pain? Are you still working?

Others will be along to add their welcome and offer more advice and support! I wish you the best and I look forward to seeing your progress! Keep posting anytime!
Avatar universal
Beings you've been in the service, i'll start with ya......
There aint a one of us here that aint hurtin.  More than half of us have had surguries.

Are ya workin at a job, bla, bla bla.... give details of a daily life/struggle.

ur 28, how do you spend your days?  Married, kids, back with parents, in a box, disabled, on Dr's scripts, gotta connection (looks like it), and so forth?  Do you have a problem? (you said you can't admit it) Who's fault is it?  Ur googling and come across this website, what did you google?
Be honest Kyle is watching.

Welcome,  browse around, post more.
3131950 tn?1351774643
Hey man,welcome,nothing to be ashamed of it happens to the best and we are all in pain in 1 way or another.
  I threw a sleepin bag in the corner here and yet to leave,hmm we have room for more so please share because we care.
   First thing i do when i wake is come here to keep my head straigh,even if you don't feel like talking just sit and read it helps,just remember to take breathers and do something you enjoy,
  we must change people places things and replace old habbits with new ones.
  Please look up the thomas recipe,it helps,I won't do all that is suggested there but for the most part i am feeling ok for now.
  Day 2 starts to get hard 3 and 4 u need to be here more 5 starts to get easier for most.
Avatar universal
MSsmith -
Hoo-Rah or Hoo-ahh. Not sure if you served Marine or Army but I was 3rd Battalion/5th Marines at the beginning of Second Battle of Fallujah (code-named Operation Al-Fajr) Being there alone will make you do drugs!!
I have a very similar sitaution like you. I have been doing opiates for a 8+ years and have decided to quit. So ashamed of my addiction I have told no one in the fear of losing my loved ones. It's very hard. I'm on day 13 and with draws symptoms come and go. You need to stay busy. The mental game is a *****. Have you considered NA. I just went to my 2nd meeting and love it. I think they are getting tired of me talking already, but this is what I need for my mental stage. Us military people can take much pain but mental is harder. They also make a newer drug called Vivitrol. It's an opiate blocker, with out opiates like suboxone. So no withdaw if you stop after 1 month. And from what my doctor told me is that it helps your brain and receptors heal faster. I go to my doctors tomorrow and i'm going to try it. Like you I can take the withdraw but the mental eats me. I'm so use to doing everything "high". So doing things sober like watching a football game is weird. The days seem a lot longer, which gives you more time to think about bad things. Try joining the gym, join NA, pick up a hobby. YOu will make it through. Two sayings we always said in the Marines and I'm sure they said in other units are:

"Pain is temporary, glory is forever."

"Tough times don't last but tough men do."

Remeber this. I'm here for you!!! Write anytime...


Marty
Avatar universal
Hi Marty, Loved your post.
4149717 tn?1389503561
I just wanted to welcome you here to this forum as well! Everyone else has already given great advice so I cant really add anything except just to say we are all here for you and here to support you in anyway we can!

I also wanted to thank you AND paman for your sevice to this country and the sacrifices you gave (ie: getting injured) I know without people like you I wouldnt have the freedom I have today. So thank you :)
3120424 tn?1347170032
Hi and welcome we're happy to have you :) Can you tell us more about your support / lack there of?
Avatar universal

So, thanks for the support and helping messages. Day 2.. Toilet, O how I have missed you... Multi-Vit, Mucin-X, Hebal cough drops, Power Aid, water, my new meal plan... I guess I can address a few things for some people.

paman19
I am in the Army, and still am. I want to say goodjob/goodluck on day 14! I Can also say that War does make you turn to things that aren't right. How could a Soldier, a Marine, turn into such a person? Go to war, people, and find out... I know what you mean by having to be "high" to be a normal person, I wonder if being a warrior has something to do with it? Maybe we crave more than a normal life, is that why people become lifers? More for you and others in a sec.


So, long story but Ill address a few things if I can. I'm sure we are not all Psychologists here... I am 28, Married 5 years, have 2 children, one new, one newer, all within the 5 yrs. I don't work anymore. I went to school, got a Masters degree, on Army Money, came home not to get a job for 6months. Had to quit for my sanity in July, I'm pretty sure Ill never find a job. I have a side deal that gives me $550 a month but my Mortgage is $1300. My wife is stay at home babysitter so a little there. Some odd money income elsewhere. So, STRESS STRESS STRESS. Maybe that's why I take pills.

I am looking for a job but that is hard. Then depression kicks in and I feel all alone. Not to mention some PTSD related anxiety.

So support. I'm sure we can all agree that NO ONE, no matter who they are or how much they care understands what you are going through, why we are doing it, what keeps us doing it, what keeps us from stopping, and why we think about it the way we do. Right or Wrong, they just flat out don't get it and that alone is hard to deal with. Plus we are all defensive and that only helps... So for me, My wife 1) doesnt get it. 2) I had a huge problem before and tried to stop, I was taking 10-15  10mg Percs for 3months after a prolonged dose of percs and vics. I had none left and went cold turkey, this was my 1st real attempt at quitting. I knew I needed to say something and I did. Why I was acting crazy, why I was about to be sick (could have said flu but wanted to be honest) and what I wanted to do in the future. My wife hated it. Everything! She tried to get details, this and that, my life story and was still pissed. OK now Ill have dirty looks for the nexxt two weeks while I crap mself and run up and down the stairs as I try to force myself to sleep... That was a bad experince. I was clean for 5months until I had a 2 kidney stones 3 weeks apart. That's 5 doses of Morphine and 60+ Percs. And that's all it took for me to get going again. Hmm, that was two years ago?

This time I can't say anything, ever, not even that I get stuff from pain managment or from kidney stones. Its all a secret, that's why I know I'm addict prone. I have to sneak and lie to everyone and myself. If I told my wife I was going through this again, Ill lose her and my kids, I know it. So that is a NO NO. Which is why I need to get off of it too. Oneday Ill do something and she will know. Car crash, phone call, Dr Visit, etc, Ill be done because I have been lieing, if nothign else. So, y

Avatar universal
Sorry hit Enter at the wrong time

You are my support. And Thanks for that. I guess that leads me to my other problem. Why am I taking them at all. I tell myself I need them. Fused disc, buldging disc, pinched nerve, arthritic changes in the neck and pack... Lets not forget Kidney stones.... WTF!

Its easy to convince myself that I need them but the problem is when I start taking them as directed it only  takes 2 days before I have gone from 3 to 8 and I'm counting pills again. WTF! There will be days when I need them and that's when I need to ***** my situation, 1) Do I really need them 2) Can I really take them 2 days in a row and stop 3) Can I really leave them alone a week later when I really don't need them but have the bottle still... That is where my "Make the right choice" ability needs to be attended. Its hard when you know it makes everything so much more desierable and manageable. Anyway Ill stop there with my book. Ill answer or talk some later after a few people chime in.

Thank you, everyone, so very much.

Avatar universal
God bless you and your sacrifices! To you too Marty. Don't for one second try and analyze or feel guilty for falling into this addiction. (That will come later) Soldier, nurse, mom, CEO. We all have the same parts, most anyway ;) and have the ability to become addicted. Please don't discredit  yourself though. You are in the US Army and a soldier, that alone is so commendable, admirable!!  Youve been into war, that alone can make someone crazy to drugs or alcohol. Now that being said, no excuses not to stop. We are on this spinning ball called earth and we get one shot. Lets make the best of it while we can. You stick around with us, we are all pulling for you and KNOW you can do this!! Lots of support here so keep posting ok! Lots of love and healing light and energy friend!
1970885 tn?1435860428
I have a friend who's back, neck an hip are mush (that's a medical term meaning messed up). He's been taking some heavy duty pills to manage his pain for over 11 years now. He takes per the script, never abuses. In other words, he's not (by my definition) normal. He's one of the very few who use the meds as prescribed.  My wife is the same, and I will never understand how they can have pills and not abuse. They are weird.
That was a long-winded way of saying that your struggle is something that hundreds go through every day. Responsible, honest, clean living people who had to have legit surgery are given pain meds and soon find their life turned upside down. Some become dependent and abuse the meds, while others pass go and fall in to addiction.
The cravings you talk about tell me that at least you are aware of the pull the meds have on you. What you decide to do during the next week or so will determine what side of the addiction fence you land on.  When I told my doctor that I'm an addict, and should be red-flagged as such, he said, "Good for you. Very few people can admit they have a problem, and fewer still will ever do anything about it".  I hope you do something about it.
Avatar universal
Rather than me and others writing a book here in reponse, I got an honerable/medical discharge in 1982 for spattering off the ground with a twisted chute.  Click on my name and read some previous posts.   I'm lazy tonight, PM me any questions.  Do that with many on here, you'll find you are in a big family here, all types of everything. We aint all dudes, there are some really sweet girls in here all sharing what we can to get through this, this time.  It's a life long fight.  Learn how to navigate this website to all threads profiles, messages, photos, notes, status's  the more you put into this site and great people here, the more you'll get back.   keep readin  you'll see this isn't my first goround, this time i told Dr's, friends, family, mother of my last daughter i don't have, my sons, ex boss, the whole world on here.  Lay it all out, Pride will hold you back in life, BE HUMBLE
Avatar universal
I ask myself that question everyday? How does someone with such mental strength allow something to that small control me. In the military they break us down to build us back up into machine. You know that oh so well. We are suppose to be warriors to the rst of society, but in fact we are human and have weakness. My story is almost the same as yours but reversed. I went to college got my masters in mathematics, and then enter the Marines in 2002, in the height of the war. And yes I joined because I wanted to get some. There is no time for down time or mental wekaness in the military and thats why you may have a strong addiction now. I started heavy use in 2004 when I went to Iraq because I needed that "I don't give a crap attitude" and opiates gave it to me. To kick in doors in Fallujah and eliminate anything behind it "normal life" wasn't going to work me. We are taught to "kill, or be killed" right. And thats what you are doing now. You either kill the addiction or it's going to kill you. Sorry for all military talk and reference's but one thing you learn from the military is discipline. Take what you have learned and apply it to this addiction.
One last thing PTSD is no bull crap. I suffer as well and I think that's why I abused more. To help mask the pain of what I had done and saw. It made me forget those thoughts. I can't tell you how many times my wife has startled me when I was sleeping and have come extremely close to hurting her. You need to really need to talk to someone face to face. Either provided through the military or go to NA. You need more than emails from others. If you want I can give you my number and we can talk. Trust me a fellow "brother" who has your back for life. We never leave a solider behind and I wont start now.


Marty
Avatar universal
Day 4.

I have been here a few times. Shivers, snot, wide eyes, fish out of water syndrom. I can't stand it. I have Lorizapam and Baclofin that I could use to sleep but that's cheating. I normally do take Baclofin to help me sleep, 3 of 7 days a week but right now, replacing my little white pill for a smaller white pill will only make it harder.

I feel I have to feel and understand my withdraw if I really don't want to do it again. I put my self here, I deserve what ever I get. masking my suffering is only a way out for me. Of course, the gym, walking, reading, video games, movies, family, are all normal things and thats not cheating.

Anyway, Ill be back tomorrow to say hello.
3197167 tn?1348968606
4 days is FABULOUS!!  Good for you!  Many have shared their experience, strength and hope with you.  That's HOW it works.
Also....H>honesty.....O>open-mindedness.......W>willingness.

I have a nephew about your age.....he is coming home next week (or thereabouts) from deployment in Afghanistan.  I am grateful, much more than I can express in just "words" for your service to the USofA!!!

My experience thus far has shown me that not only warriors for our great nation have traumatic experiences they attempt to mask, but also little girls who were raped at age 5 or 6 by their daddys or uncles or brothers....and then become women. (or many other tragedies).  
The human spirit amazes me.......the ability to heal when addressed.

In my journey in life I have loved 2 Marines and 1 who served in the Army.
2 of them went to Vietnam......they both returned with addictions.....to mask their memories of war.  Not to mention they were awarded purple hearts and thru them back over the wall in D.C. because people in the country they were fighting for were spitting at them and protesting their honorable
service.  It has affected me deeply......I am proud of you (and Marty)
Thank you once again.

Addiction isn't about willpower and knowledge.....
It's about humility and surrender......DAILY FOR THE REST OF OUR DAYS!
And YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Blessings to you~
  
Avatar universal
I'm very new to this community of what seems like some really strong people! I am 31 years old mother of two and work a third shift job.  I have RA, lupus, ankylosing spondylitis, and scoliosis I've been on loratab  10 and tramadol for over 2 years now and I have finally had enough! I know I'm addicted and now I'm quitting cold turkey with no other choice on how to stop this addiction. I have a very loving husband who understands.  My only problem is trying to keep up with my daily routine and go through withdrawals any help is much appreciated.
Avatar universal
I know to well how u feel. I am AD and been trying to stop the same addiction. Can't ask the military for help. 0 tolerance is exactly what they mean. Although u will have someone tell u we can get u help if uh need it.... What they don't say is you will get you walking papers after we get you some half *** help
3955352 tn?1349096897
Ok now I'm crying..this is why I am a very American.... love to you all who keep it safe for us.... with that said addiction is a very real war but different kind of war .with this battle you have to turn on your emotions and not be a machine...after all we are allllll human all created my the same maker. Ptsd is no joke . So get some form of therapy for that. Please don't leave that untreated... pills are how we escape they  make us think they are the magic fix all pill.. when in fact that are destroying us ..... I think that you could benefit from some n.a. meetings . And definitely contact  a va doc about the ptsd... you are in my prayers fight the good fight man....
Avatar universal
Let me first say you are very brave to ask for help. I come from a family of addicts. My mom, both uncles, 6 cousins and my brother in law. Ive been around drugs my entire life and I swore I would never end up like "that". My mom is 45yrs old, been to rehab 4 times is still an addict. I chased my habit for 6 long months. I never in a million years thought Id be that person. But were human and we all make mistakes. But what counts is how we learn from our mistakes.
When I finally came out and told my husband of 10 years and the father of our 4 children that I had a problem and I thought I needed to go to rehab, He told me I didnt need to go anywhere and I needed to stay home with our family and go through the withdrawls. He helped me because I wanted to help myself. Addiction is a choice and you have to be stronger than the drugs. I make him take my car keys to work so I cant go anywhere I used to. I dont want to control the money or even go grocery shopping alone because I want him to gain that trust back. Its a process and everyday it gets a little easier. I feel good now and the only thing that gets me everyday is the cravings but I do things to take my mind off of it. I have my 3 year old and 1 year old at home with me now so I stay pretty busy.
I truly hope you stick to wanting to be sober because its a great feeling. We all lose ourselves in our addictions because its so powerful. When you find yourself you will know it.
Avatar universal
Thank you, everyone.

In my mind, I feel good about this one. I know the stakes. I know the landslide that would follow if I were to continue. I lost myself in my own indifference; I lost my self in my own desire.

I feel really good about this one. I feel like I did when I quit cigs. I think however, I will deal with the urges for the rest of my life, especially when I NEED to take some for a very medically Rx'd reason. I will have to block myself, safeguard my mind, and never temp or push my addiction button.

I have known that this was a problem for me since maybe a year into it. Since then I have had to talk myself into why I should keep taking them and why it was really ok to do it. I even argued with myself about it. I know/knew I was addicted and I had the testicular fortitude to convince myself that it wasn't. It’s so easy, and then I would hate myself but the next day, down the hatch they go. It’s so easy to keep doing it, goodness.

Anyway, I know I'm in the right place; mentally, physically, emotionally, socially (WITH ALL OF YOU), and now spiritually to do what is right. I was disconnected from something so important to me that I didn't even care what I was really doing to myself and my life. I'm happy now and I know I can keep this up. I wont say I am cured because that's how Ill lose the fight but I will say I am on the bright side of the fence, but I know every so often, from the bright side, you have much more chances to go through the open gate than you do on the dark side. Ill always keeps my eyes open and continues to ask for help if I feel like I'm being pulled back in.

Thank you, everyone. I will always continue to be a part of this family.

-MS
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