Just keep on fighting Randy. You have been clean 4 out of the last 5 days. You can do this.
Its okay Randy. I slipped for one night myself, but you learned and are moving forward. Funny how they dont feel as good as what we "thought" they did right? Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes this needs to happen to drive things home. Stay positive!
we have all slipped Randy. Just keep on fighting this. that's what i am doing. everytime i think about a pill the best thing i can do right now is remind myself of how awful i felt going thru WD'S. we can do this.
Just keep going Randy. Ok. Some people tend to fall and when they do I day just brush yourself off and try again. Stick with ur plan ok. Hang in there. U can do this.
Thanks everyone. I just don't get why I am struggling so badly. I made it 30 days before and didn't even think about it. I will post as much as I can. But I think I need to have a good amount of time under my belt before I start recounting days on here. Thank you everyone for the support. So many people believe in me, which makes my lapse that much harder. I am going to do my best not to let anyone down. Anyone just starting make your plan and stick to it. You can do it. My issue is the really really wanting to quit part. I have to question that about myself. I thought I did, but these multiple relapses make me wonder. I can only apologize to all of the people putting so much energy into giving me advice and encourangement. I am sticking around and going to try and figure this out. I thought between here NA meetings and a new therapist it would be a piece of cake, but convincing myself has to be the first thing I have to do.
What ever gave you the idea that this process, no matter what you choose to do to get through it, would be a piece of cake? Randy you know better than that. Aftercare is key to continued sobriety. And I promise you no matter what route you take, it will not be a piece of cake. If this were a piece of cake, why would we all be here?
Sounds like you need to dig down even further to come to terms with the reasons you are ambivalent about quitting. You're struggling because you haven't made the decision, with full certainty, that living a life sober is better than what you've been doing. Living a sober life has to matter to you more than anything else. I mean ANYTHING else. Because exactly how much meaning does your life have when you're high?
You are right, why am I ambivalent about my decision to quit. I say it and I want to believe it, but you are right, somewhere deep down I am thinking,"do I really want to quit", "what's on the other side that is so great", "was my life worth a crap before?". Those answers are what I am struggling over. I don't know how to come to the realization of how much better my life can be without these drugs. It makes me feel like I have not fully committed to many things in my life, but this is something I need to, but I am struggling FULLY convincing myself how important it is. What is my problem allready????!!!
I am searching... I am attending AA/NA I have a therapist. I enrolled in a 9 week course yesterday at a recovery place here in Springs. I pray, I don't know what is holding me back.
Looks like we both slipped at the same time. Day 1. Lets do it, we got this:)
And that's where aftercare comes in - most of us need therapy because we need to understand. We have to understand to move forward right? Living in this confusion is so hard - believe me, I know. Enrolling in this recovery course is a great idea - I'm not exactly sure what this course entails, but if it's someplace that allows you to begin to understand the reasons why you're abusing in the first place, it will make a huge difference later on and you can begin to deal with life, well, on life's terms.
Nothing is perfect - NO our lives don't magically change overnight into a state of bliss - life will never be perfect. But how we react to our lives can make all the difference in the world. Once you decide that you ARE worth it - eveything else will begin to make sense.
Hi Randy, I'm so very sorry to hear this! It is my understanding that the detox process does get more difficult each time we go through it, and the older we get. So I am assuming that when you started again this time you still had access to your pills? You didn't set yourself up completely for success. As others have said you have not come to the place in yourself where you want to be clean more than anything. And as you said you must figure that part out! I do know that for me, flushing my remaining pills, and having no way to get anymore helped me to stay strong and focused! The good news is that you have support here no matter what! I pray that you find the self understanding and strength you need! I know that you will get there! I hope that you will get there soon! Take care Randy! Still supporting you!
Randy, I will still hold you in my prayers and heart. Do not feel a need to apologize to us. Only you can decide and it sounds as if you're taking some very positive steps to figure all that out. You know the obvious as my good buddy Sonrissa has pointed out. If they are there we will take them. Because we are addicts. If they are not there, we can't take them no matter how badly our brain is f'ing with us to do so. I will not go away. I will continue to support you. One day at a time. But this is all about you buddy. But you know that. If you stand back and beat yourself up, it's not going to get better. So put on your big boy pants and let's get to this!
Hi Randy, the course, aftercare, and counseling are all excellent steps forward. I believe you do, deep down, want to be clean, otherwise you would not be coming here and taking those steps. It takes many of us several times before we get it right. By learning and examining why you keep going back to the pills will help you determine a strategy to overcome the hold the pills have on you. Please keep posting. Don't worry about letting anyone down. Also, I, like most of us, would take pills if they were available. Right now it is important to eliminate the temptation. You handled the situation at work, so use this time to focus on you and your recovery. We're all here for you, hun.
Randy, You slipped up. You were on the right track and fell off the horse. The important thing is that you jump right back the horse and ride her again. We are all imperfect, incapable of doing everything right all the time. Take this as a lesson and use it to your advantage. This slip up in some way can make you stronger, just focus and use it that way. Its awesome that you came here and fessed up. Shows something about you! You are a good, strong willed person. You can do this. Dont let this little tiny slip up ruin your progress. Lets do this!!! I know you got it!
Although u slipped up, u made great effort b4 that so u already have accomplishment under your belt, so just as the others have said, keep pushing u got this! :D
Randy, look man, we have your back know that. I relapsed four times also since January. All I can do is point to my own experiences, and I am on day 47 for only one reason. It is not aftercare, prayer, worry about my health, reaching a "decision" to quit, or suddenly disliking opium. (I only reached day 15 or so previously).
While all of that has stuff has real value, some of it more to some then others, I am clean for 6 weeks because early on I made is hard as hell to get pills. So now, when I get weak, when I would get to that point that caused a relapse, I can't get any and I get through it. I am finding my desire to protect that clean time with each day is also growing. Sure, I was also sick of the appointments, counting pills, and these things controlling my life. But I felt that way in January too. So again, what is the difference? I'm now labeled an addict, and I cannot get pills. I never did the dealer thing, but telling your pharmacy is just as hard, or at lest I think so. If someone called me now with pills, I like to think I would tell them to go jump off a bridge. Now if someone put some in my hand? No, I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna get there, you WILL too.
"I get by with a little help from my friends" Beatles. Crank it.
Man I don't know that I deserve all of the support and love but I appreciate it. I have definately burned the pharmacy and Family dr routes of getting pills, but this guy I work with continues to be a persistant "easy access" dealer for me. I asked him to tell me he is out if I ask for any and he said, " I won't lie to you, you know I always have plenty". He even told me he was worried about how many I was taking while he was taking my money and giving me pills. This is my fault and I am not making excuses, but I don't know how to burn this bridge... We sat very close to each other at work and I finally was able to move my desk. I even told my boss at work I had a substance abuse problem and I need some time off of work to take care of it, and I am supplied by someone from work, that is why I moved my desk,(without giving him his name I made it obvious who I got the pills from). I can't rely on this source going away so I have to figure out how to have the strength not to seek out the pills. I guess easy access will not be my excuse.
This is my opinion and the others may not agree, and that's ok cause I still have a ton of respect for all of them! If you truly want this and you are really ready! First of all, you are now off work for 2 weeks right? So you have no access to this dealer guy now, right? You will not see him for approximately 2 weeks, right? You do not have his phone number to call him, right? OK, then use this time to physically detox from the pills! Get through it! Then, when you return to work you tell this dealer guy, that you have quit! Over, done, amen! You tell him that if he approaches you about pills, you will to to your boss and turn him in! If your boss doesn't do anything about it, then you go higher until something is done! If, after all that and he still approaches you, then I would call the cops! The thing is you must also stop approaching him when you feel week! This is an extremely difficult thing to do, which is why you must want to be clean above all else in life! You must be truly committed and truly ready! You will need to look inside yourself and be completely honest! If you are not completely committed and not ready, then you are not going to follow through and you will continue to put yourself through this over and over again! I know that this is the most difficult thing! I completely understand how hard it is! The hardest thing I ever did was flush my pills, but it was also liberating! I can't tell you how many times I've thought, crap! I wish I never would have flushed! I don't know what else to say except I pray for you every day! I will be here to support you no matter what! I can't stand to see you struggling so hard! I wish you the very best! By the way, was the dealer the one who gave you the pills this time? I may have missed something.
Again, this is what I personally, would do and not everyone will agree! Others may have better suggestions that will work!
Yes I got the pills from the work dealer again, I was driving to visit my dad and he is on the way,(totally my fault seeking him out).
Completely off subject :Funny story, I spilled my guts to my boss and told him I needed time off to detox off of pain pills that I have become addicted to,(earlier post). I also told him I was being supplied by someone at work, that is why I moved my desk. It has to be clear who it is as there is noone closer to me than "Cody". So boss decided to give me the 2 week "Hiatus" to recover. He actually is a reasonable guy and understands I just got through 6 months of Chemo treatment and struggling through putting my dad into assisted living and gave me the time to get my head straight, but also explained I will need to prove myself upon returning in order to keep my job. Well, a fellow engineer found a better job and decided to leave our company immediately. So... suddenly my value became better recognized and they want me back tomorrow,(Wednesday). This throws a wrench into my detox plan but makes me feel better that my job is secure. Apparently they seem to be not concerned about having a dealer working for them, so that is something I will have to work out on my own. By the time I get police involved I could be in just as much trouble as him. My point is, it is my responsibility to not approach him.
So I told my boss I can't come back until next week. This gives me 5 days to physically detox from the pills,(as I used again today). So... my hurdle as it stands, is to go back to work on Monday and not approach the dealer,(no matter how badly I feel on day 6 of withdrawal). So... as I see it, the ball is in my court. Suck it up the next 5 days mentally prepare and start the suffering tomorrow. I need the strength to stay away from Cody on Monday. 1 day at a time. So this is where I stand. Aftercare is a given. I have found a decent AA meeting I like. I also have you guys.
Thanks for sticking with me and being concerned. I see how much you empathize with my situation. I can't make any promises but I truly want to get clean 1 day at a time, and this is where I stand. Thank you for the prayers! I need them...
What do you mean? You used again today?
Randy - what makes you think the situation is going to magically change when you return on Monday? I don't know what to say now... honestly, I'm not sure I understand anymore what's going on here. You say you want to quit and yet you maintain a relationship with this person at work. How the hell do you think you're going to avoid him with your in full-blown detox on Monday?
Help me understand, Randy. I'm at a loss.
Is today still day 1? I don't understand.
Randy, I agree with ImDONE in this case! I simply do not know how you will be able to go to work and face this guy every day and stay clean! Especially since now you say that you were the one to seek him out this time to get your pills. Do you see the confusing messages you are sending this dealer! First, you tell him not to give you pills when you are week, and in fact you tell him to lie to you! Then he refuses to do that, to lie to you! Then you move your desk to get away from him, and then while you are off work, to detox, you seek him out and get more pills! I simply don't know what advice I can give to help you! Prayers is all I have at this point! I hope someone else who is smarter than I will help out here!
As someone, who is well respected here has often said, death waits for us at the end of this terrible road! Death is patient, and always lurking for it's chance! Please don't die Randy! Time to find another job, perhaps?