Aa
Day 27 and I am MAD!!!!
Dont know why but nobody better get in my way today! Im in a bad mood. Weird. I felt great this am. Hey, I guess Im feeling and thats important. Just needed to post. I am excited to get my 30 tag on wenesday. That makes me feel alittle better. I cant believe I actually will have 30 days clean.! I hate this foul mood. Hate it.
Hey Dude glad to here your doing better today....remember every morning you wake up and look in the mirror you can decide what kind of attitude your going to start your day with
it does make a difference ..........Gnarly
it does make a difference ..........Gnarly
Weird. My bears LOST! and im not mad! When I should be bummed im not. I feel alot better today. I have another clean day under my belt and that feels really nice. Im also pretty happy, even though I got mad I didnt want to use. My cravings are pretty much gone. Not totally but they are managable. Thanks for all your support EVERYONE. Alot of wise kind people here. I feel at peace tonight. Im looking forward to a new week and getting a red tag on wenesday. Itll be 31 days! yeah. had a great weekend with my little girl. Life is good. THE BEARS SUCK AND ID KICK CUTLERS BUTT IF I SAW HIM. HAHAHAH. Im serious about that. He suuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkkksssssss.
HI mood swings are pritty normal from where your at again its just your emotions coming back on line this one being anger....some times it best to just let go and find some sort of recreational thing to do....something to sorta snap you out of it if not make an early night of it go to bed and tomorrow will be a whole new day....this is part of the ups and downs we talk about or what I refer to as the mindscrew....you will learn how to deal with this stuff going to your meetings....be sure to speek up about stuff like this there has probably been someone there thats been threw it and can help remember attitude is a choice we make each morning we wake up......Gnarly
Hey throwin,
Hope your feeling better, Congrats on the 27 days. I know how ya feel with the anger stuff.
Kinda comes and with me, one strange thing about me is I have no idea most of the time what the heck I'm angry about. Thankfully most of the time I feel pretty good, but sometimes for reasons I've yet to understand my mood will shift.
When this happens I hit the gym ( I know you do as well ) or if possible a meeting. Missed my 12 o'clock today because my 8 year old son had baseball tryouts and I really want to make up for some lost time with him, so I went to the tryout instead. It was cool, I feel like for whatever reason I am getting a second chance with both my sons and my wife. Lord knows I don't deserve it, but regardless I am thankful. I know you have heard this before, but I really hope the 90 day mark will bring things to more of an even keel. That's what I pray for anyway. But that seems like a long way away when I am stuck in my head pissed at the world, kinda silly the world didn't do this to me. I did it to myself. Gotta get there one day at a time, and in 42 minutes we'll
be 1 day closer. Couple of things I've heard in meetings that have helped me, the people I've met with the most clean time always tell me the key to recovery especially early on is to keep it simple. That's really hard for me, because left to my own devices, I will complicate anything. So I have decided two things I am going to focus on just two things. One (I really like this one) is whatever the problem is dope won't fix it. The other I am not so fond of, but I believe it to be true is that I can't think my way to clean living, I have to live my way to clean thinking. That implies instant gratification ain't in the cards for me. Anyway your 5 days ahead of me and I hope I never catch up. Good Luck, God Bless and post on that 30 days.
Bird :)
Hope your feeling better, Congrats on the 27 days. I know how ya feel with the anger stuff.
Kinda comes and with me, one strange thing about me is I have no idea most of the time what the heck I'm angry about. Thankfully most of the time I feel pretty good, but sometimes for reasons I've yet to understand my mood will shift.
When this happens I hit the gym ( I know you do as well ) or if possible a meeting. Missed my 12 o'clock today because my 8 year old son had baseball tryouts and I really want to make up for some lost time with him, so I went to the tryout instead. It was cool, I feel like for whatever reason I am getting a second chance with both my sons and my wife. Lord knows I don't deserve it, but regardless I am thankful. I know you have heard this before, but I really hope the 90 day mark will bring things to more of an even keel. That's what I pray for anyway. But that seems like a long way away when I am stuck in my head pissed at the world, kinda silly the world didn't do this to me. I did it to myself. Gotta get there one day at a time, and in 42 minutes we'll
be 1 day closer. Couple of things I've heard in meetings that have helped me, the people I've met with the most clean time always tell me the key to recovery especially early on is to keep it simple. That's really hard for me, because left to my own devices, I will complicate anything. So I have decided two things I am going to focus on just two things. One (I really like this one) is whatever the problem is dope won't fix it. The other I am not so fond of, but I believe it to be true is that I can't think my way to clean living, I have to live my way to clean thinking. That implies instant gratification ain't in the cards for me. Anyway your 5 days ahead of me and I hope I never catch up. Good Luck, God Bless and post on that 30 days.
Bird :)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Are you feeling better tonight? Bad days and moods will happen on and off. What is important is how we get thru them. sara
..and also, spanky, are you in any other aftercare besides what you already did? I don't want to be negative, but I did the intensive outpatient thing, then did nothing after that and ended up relapsing eventually. My point is, that we all need aftercare for a while after we get clean. 3 months doesn't seem like long enough for what you said you went through. I'm just worried because that was my attitude after i did the outpatient thing too: 'i'm fine without it'..you may very well be, and i hope you are. But I just worry with all that you went through, that's serious stuff, that you'll be ok long-term. Like I said, that was totally my attitude and I ended up hitting below my first bottom pretty hard..so you need to maybe try and find a way to get to meetings or a therapist or drug counselor, especially if your husband still has trust issues he doesn't seem 100% supportive and that can mean a reason to relapse as well. Just worried for you!!
Hey there. I have never been to an NA meeting, but am really going to think about going to one with my friend next week, like I said above. I totally get that your husband doesn't fully trust you yet, but you have to get back out of the house at some point, and going to an na meeting would be a perfect reason and a great start. So when did you get clean? I ask because your husband will have to start to trust you at some point, and if you did the intensive outpatient thingfor 12 weeks, how did he trust you to be gone all that time but not to an na meeting for an hour? Don't get me wrong, been there done that with the trust issue with my hubby, many times. But if you're getting clean, like I said, he needs to support you in getting there..can't you talk to him about that, maybe have him drop you off/pick you up from meetings? And although I've never been to one, I know a lot of poeple that have been to the NA meetings. I've never heard of one where you just sit around talking about getting high. I have heard it's much like this place, with people with different clean times and doc, with advice to give and take..
Im sure your summer was horrible, sounds like it! But I'm glad that you're on the other side and still have your husband and house and all. Yeah that anger can be tricky for some..hopefully your is gone now though, and I hope throwindatowel's is a one day thing!! Good luck to both of you with that, and congrats on 27 days again!!! ...spank, how long did you say you have? Just curious..congrats on however long it is!
Im sure your summer was horrible, sounds like it! But I'm glad that you're on the other side and still have your husband and house and all. Yeah that anger can be tricky for some..hopefully your is gone now though, and I hope throwindatowel's is a one day thing!! Good luck to both of you with that, and congrats on 27 days again!!! ...spank, how long did you say you have? Just curious..congrats on however long it is!
I know that meetings are important to many, but I am doing well without them. I just do not want to sit around and talk about getting high. Plus, my husband is a little shy about letting me out on my own. Am I really going...could I be out getting high..who am I with? I went to a 12 week out pt program, 3 hrs a day, 3days a week. I have not used coke since. Way to much to lose. I was almost homeless this summer, could not see my little girls, and my husband wanted a divorce. Rock bottom was not the word for my summer of hell. The only good thing that has come out of my mess is that I have lost 90 lbs in a year. But truthfully, I could have lost a lot more. I am not an angry person at all, I found myself violent angry at the end of my game.
I'd absolutely love to share how NA goes with you. We're shooting for sometime next week hopefully. She wanted to go this morning, but with a sick hubby there was no way I could have him take care of our lil guy too. Bad enough he had to work tonight. But I also let him take a lng nap and got some soup and medicine in him so hopefully it'll be better by tomorrow so I can rest too! If not, I have Monday to rest I suppose. I just pray that my son doesn't get sick. Hate when he's sick, no fun as he can't really tell me what's wrong, and they really limit what meds you can give to a child under 6 now. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on that, no problem, glad to share! ...don't know if you read my story more in depth ever, but a lot of it is posted under my first post here, under my profile on the first post page entitled 'my (long) story of opiate addiction' if you wanted to know more about my history..
It doesn't seem fair sometimes that as addicts we have to suffer any chronic pain. But after the wds are done, and the PAWS ones are done, then the pain really does start to be manageable again. OTC meds do help way more than they used to. I hate seeing people here just start their wds and have no hope of the pain going away or being manageable. But we all get there in due time. I just know it $ucks going through it. Don't get me wrong, I've got several reasons why I'm in pain and some days are a lot harder than the others. But all I can do is read here what people are going through with wds and that's all it takes for me to never want to touch another pain med ever again. I just pray I won't ever need another surgery!! But I'll cross that bridge if I ever get to it..the RA is challenging more so now in the MI winter. I cannot wait for decent weather again though so I can go walking again. In the nicer months, I take my dog and my son in his stroller and walk 3-4 miles at least 3 times a week. It stays light out longer, my son and dog love going too..ahhh...spring/summer/fall..I miss it! ...ok, off on a tangent there, lol! But thanks so much for the interest in my story and I'll share anything you want to know. It helps me to share and to hear other's stories as well. Because of the traumatic events leading to me getting clean almost a year ago, I can remember precisely where I was this time last year...glad it happened now when I look back, although at the time I never thought I'd be here a year later with all this clean time under my belt. I'm living proof you can find the light at the end of the tunnel, and that it's not always a train or a fire, lol...there is hope and the time will come and go faster every day.
@throwindatowel - so sorry for highjacking your thread, but I hope you got some use out of our exchange. ..either that, or you'll be stark raving mad at us!!! Hope it's the former not the latter! At any rate, thanks for hosting my rants and tangents! Let us know if your anger has subsided! :)
It doesn't seem fair sometimes that as addicts we have to suffer any chronic pain. But after the wds are done, and the PAWS ones are done, then the pain really does start to be manageable again. OTC meds do help way more than they used to. I hate seeing people here just start their wds and have no hope of the pain going away or being manageable. But we all get there in due time. I just know it $ucks going through it. Don't get me wrong, I've got several reasons why I'm in pain and some days are a lot harder than the others. But all I can do is read here what people are going through with wds and that's all it takes for me to never want to touch another pain med ever again. I just pray I won't ever need another surgery!! But I'll cross that bridge if I ever get to it..the RA is challenging more so now in the MI winter. I cannot wait for decent weather again though so I can go walking again. In the nicer months, I take my dog and my son in his stroller and walk 3-4 miles at least 3 times a week. It stays light out longer, my son and dog love going too..ahhh...spring/summer/fall..I miss it! ...ok, off on a tangent there, lol! But thanks so much for the interest in my story and I'll share anything you want to know. It helps me to share and to hear other's stories as well. Because of the traumatic events leading to me getting clean almost a year ago, I can remember precisely where I was this time last year...glad it happened now when I look back, although at the time I never thought I'd be here a year later with all this clean time under my belt. I'm living proof you can find the light at the end of the tunnel, and that it's not always a train or a fire, lol...there is hope and the time will come and go faster every day.
@throwindatowel - so sorry for highjacking your thread, but I hope you got some use out of our exchange. ..either that, or you'll be stark raving mad at us!!! Hope it's the former not the latter! At any rate, thanks for hosting my rants and tangents! Let us know if your anger has subsided! :)
Sorry throwindatowl for the interruption - I'll stop now! :) p.s. hope the anger has subsided! Remember - with every new day there's fresh hope!
Wow - you do have a busy life! And a 2 year old son - how cute! I bet he keeps you going. I really admire what you've done with your life and how you turned things around.
I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like the same person anymore. It's almost surreal to me now when I look back when I was abusing drugs. So strange, it's like I was taken over by another, and well, awful, version of myself, and then that version disappeared and the "real" me reappeared. Very weird. Good, but weird.
And absolutely you should count your days - those days of needing meds for your chronic pain DO NOT mean you slipped up. So I think it's great that you recognize it and feel worthy of your accomplishment because you absolutely should. I have osteoarthritis and I understand the chronic pain thing and the fatigue. It does get overwhelming sometimes, but I'm amazed at how well the OTC pain meds work now. Those meds couldn't come close to touching my pain when I would try them in between scripts (I'd run out early because I was taking WAY TOO much). I know now it was the narcotics blocking the other non-narcotics from being able to do their thing. Whew. Thank goodness those days are over.
Again, really happy for you and that's great that the therapy is working out. I'd love to hear how the NA meeting goes and what it's like so if you want, message me and tell me about it. But it's up to you - I'm cool either way.
Great talking with you - good luck getting your son to bed tonight! At least you can sleep in a little in the morning (hopefully?) if he does sleep til 9 or 10 so take advantage of it if you can! :) p.s. and you're welcome - it was great to hear more about you!
I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like the same person anymore. It's almost surreal to me now when I look back when I was abusing drugs. So strange, it's like I was taken over by another, and well, awful, version of myself, and then that version disappeared and the "real" me reappeared. Very weird. Good, but weird.
And absolutely you should count your days - those days of needing meds for your chronic pain DO NOT mean you slipped up. So I think it's great that you recognize it and feel worthy of your accomplishment because you absolutely should. I have osteoarthritis and I understand the chronic pain thing and the fatigue. It does get overwhelming sometimes, but I'm amazed at how well the OTC pain meds work now. Those meds couldn't come close to touching my pain when I would try them in between scripts (I'd run out early because I was taking WAY TOO much). I know now it was the narcotics blocking the other non-narcotics from being able to do their thing. Whew. Thank goodness those days are over.
Again, really happy for you and that's great that the therapy is working out. I'd love to hear how the NA meeting goes and what it's like so if you want, message me and tell me about it. But it's up to you - I'm cool either way.
Great talking with you - good luck getting your son to bed tonight! At least you can sleep in a little in the morning (hopefully?) if he does sleep til 9 or 10 so take advantage of it if you can! :) p.s. and you're welcome - it was great to hear more about you!
..Glad to know it came across making sense! ...I usually write and read here in between taking care of my lil 2 and a half year old boy - that is cause for many interruptions!
Yes, almost one year (next Saturday) since I've abused drugs. I had to be on them a few months ago for a few chronic pain issues, and was taking them only as needed and as directed. After a dose on an empty stomach, though, I got that 'old feeling'; you know what I mean. I then took it upon myself to flush what I had left and ended up going back on Suboxone and back into one on one therapy to keep the addiction at bay. So that's why I say one year almost since I've 'abused' drugs. I was only counting from the day I had flushed the rest of my rx, but 10356 pointed out to me that I hadn't abused them, so why count that as a relapse..It took me a while to come to terms with that and see that it was true, at least in her eyes and mine :) Thanks so much!!...and you'll be here before you know it. It gets better, easier, and if I hadn't had so much clean time under my belt, I never would have been able to flush what I had left when I felt my addiction knocking at the door.
I've had a shaky week this week. Some anxiety, hubby is sick but still has to work. Been super busy, which is normally a good thing. But I've got rheumatoid arthritis, and the sheer exhaustion I am having lately is almost too hard to deal with. I'd love to stay in bed for about 4 days to catch up on sleep..Ughh..it's only 8:30 here in MI, and I even took a nap today, and still I could have gone to bed for the night about 3 hours ago! ..Here's to hoping my lil guy goes to bed early tonight (early for him is 10:30 but then he'll sleep in til 9:30 or 10..)!!!
Can't believe looking back now at almost a year gone by since I hit beneath my bottom and started to claw my way back out of hell. It's been a crazy ride, one I'll never get back in line for. Hopefully will be going to my first NA meeting with an old friend, one who is clean and wanted someone to go with. Therapy is going great, so glad I went back. Just wish I could beat the exhaustion. Oh well..I'd rather be exhausted than where I was a year ago - headed towards such desperation yet again that I was about to go to jail, yet again. I don't even feel like the same person any more, in a very good way. Finally back to the me before I used ever. It's been so hard getting here, but honestly, once I really got a good amount of clean time, the days started to fly, as I was distracted with life, not pills and the job it is getting them, and all the lying and ups and downs and wds and back on them, etc...head's spinning just talking about it!! Thanks friend :) xo Alison
Yes, almost one year (next Saturday) since I've abused drugs. I had to be on them a few months ago for a few chronic pain issues, and was taking them only as needed and as directed. After a dose on an empty stomach, though, I got that 'old feeling'; you know what I mean. I then took it upon myself to flush what I had left and ended up going back on Suboxone and back into one on one therapy to keep the addiction at bay. So that's why I say one year almost since I've 'abused' drugs. I was only counting from the day I had flushed the rest of my rx, but 10356 pointed out to me that I hadn't abused them, so why count that as a relapse..It took me a while to come to terms with that and see that it was true, at least in her eyes and mine :) Thanks so much!!...and you'll be here before you know it. It gets better, easier, and if I hadn't had so much clean time under my belt, I never would have been able to flush what I had left when I felt my addiction knocking at the door.
I've had a shaky week this week. Some anxiety, hubby is sick but still has to work. Been super busy, which is normally a good thing. But I've got rheumatoid arthritis, and the sheer exhaustion I am having lately is almost too hard to deal with. I'd love to stay in bed for about 4 days to catch up on sleep..Ughh..it's only 8:30 here in MI, and I even took a nap today, and still I could have gone to bed for the night about 3 hours ago! ..Here's to hoping my lil guy goes to bed early tonight (early for him is 10:30 but then he'll sleep in til 9:30 or 10..)!!!
Can't believe looking back now at almost a year gone by since I hit beneath my bottom and started to claw my way back out of hell. It's been a crazy ride, one I'll never get back in line for. Hopefully will be going to my first NA meeting with an old friend, one who is clean and wanted someone to go with. Therapy is going great, so glad I went back. Just wish I could beat the exhaustion. Oh well..I'd rather be exhausted than where I was a year ago - headed towards such desperation yet again that I was about to go to jail, yet again. I don't even feel like the same person any more, in a very good way. Finally back to the me before I used ever. It's been so hard getting here, but honestly, once I really got a good amount of clean time, the days started to fly, as I was distracted with life, not pills and the job it is getting them, and all the lying and ups and downs and wds and back on them, etc...head's spinning just talking about it!! Thanks friend :) xo Alison
And btw - WOW - one year? That is fantastic. I can't wait to be there too! :) CONGRATULATIONS
Thanks :) Just trying to help, glad it goes from my brain to this forum and comes out making sense!!
First off, congrats on 27 days, that's huge!! ...As for the bad moods, you're exactly right, you're actually feeling again and that's what you should take out of it. We have all these emotions that we just push down for so long and mask, that when they come up, they're exaggerated to the point of being ridiculous. But's it is all a good sign that you're back on your way to feeling again. Just feeling. And unfortunately the good and the bad feelings go hand in had, although you'll have more good days now that you're clean. Hey, I'm almost one year out and I have good days and bad days. Way more good than bad, but being human entails both good ones and bad ones, right? I know my hubby would get on me about hey, now that I'm clean, why do I still get angry or nag him (lol)..? But I told him that being clean does not mean that all of a sudden I'm a stepford wife or a robot who does not disagree with her hubby, right?!
All I can tell you is that you're doing great..almost one month, that's fantastic. Things do get just a little easier to handle with each passing day, as you well know by now. But that doesn't mean that you'll magically turn into someone who doesn't frown or cry or get angry or just plain ole have bad days. You're feeling your feelings, no matter what they happen to be. And just like in early active wds, you know that tomorrow is another day. If you can't define the reason you're angry or upset, then just succumb to it, try to deal with it, and don't overanalyze it. It is what it is, and as long as it's only today and not every day, then know that it's actually a good sign, a sign that you're on your way back to having normal reactions, thoughts, and feelings..I had 'those days' before I used, therefore I will have them now that I'm not using. No more masking, just feeling!
Focus on your 27 days clean, and again, know that tomorrow's another day, but above all, that you are allowed to feel mad. Try and get to the root of it, but don't dwell. It is what it is. Feelings can be in overdrive now that we're clean. We had all systems supressed while using. After we get clean, they go haywire for a bit, then they calm down after a while. You're fine to be feeling anger or just annoyed at the world..you're human! Just get through today and trust that you'll be a bit happier tomorrow, and walk with your head held up high because you'll have been clean for 28 days tomorrow!! Good for you!
All I can tell you is that you're doing great..almost one month, that's fantastic. Things do get just a little easier to handle with each passing day, as you well know by now. But that doesn't mean that you'll magically turn into someone who doesn't frown or cry or get angry or just plain ole have bad days. You're feeling your feelings, no matter what they happen to be. And just like in early active wds, you know that tomorrow is another day. If you can't define the reason you're angry or upset, then just succumb to it, try to deal with it, and don't overanalyze it. It is what it is, and as long as it's only today and not every day, then know that it's actually a good sign, a sign that you're on your way back to having normal reactions, thoughts, and feelings..I had 'those days' before I used, therefore I will have them now that I'm not using. No more masking, just feeling!
Focus on your 27 days clean, and again, know that tomorrow's another day, but above all, that you are allowed to feel mad. Try and get to the root of it, but don't dwell. It is what it is. Feelings can be in overdrive now that we're clean. We had all systems supressed while using. After we get clean, they go haywire for a bit, then they calm down after a while. You're fine to be feeling anger or just annoyed at the world..you're human! Just get through today and trust that you'll be a bit happier tomorrow, and walk with your head held up high because you'll have been clean for 28 days tomorrow!! Good for you!
Hey sweets. 27 days and counting! YOU FRICKIN ROCK SISTA! Im so proud. Im on day 27 too! We r going to hit 30 together honey. Isnt it a great feeling? I knw the bad moods all to well. They will pass but I know its rough getting thru them. Im thinking of ya. Hang in there
I know about those bad moods!! I think that's what they mean by recovery and withdrawal being "non-linear". Good days, bad days, good day followed by another good day, followed by a bad day, blah blah blah. It's a part of this horrible process and one of the worst aspects in my opinion. Sometimes you just have to "fake" a good mood for the good mood to actually happen. Or wait it out and see if tomorrow will be a better day (and a lot of times it is).
I know the weather isn't helping things - we've had over 50 inches of snow this year and bitter cold temps this weekend. And now they're talking about possibly 18 to 30 inches of snow this Tuesday. It is INSANE.
Hang in there and just keep venting - it will help. 30 days!!!!! WOW! :) p.s. Florida huh? - we can barely open the door with the 8 foot snow drifts we've got out there. lol
I know the weather isn't helping things - we've had over 50 inches of snow this year and bitter cold temps this weekend. And now they're talking about possibly 18 to 30 inches of snow this Tuesday. It is INSANE.
Hang in there and just keep venting - it will help. 30 days!!!!! WOW! :) p.s. Florida huh? - we can barely open the door with the 8 foot snow drifts we've got out there. lol
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