Day 4 Relapse - Trigger - And a question....

[4tolive4]

I'm sorry and ashamed to say that i suffered a temporary setback on day 4 of my recovery. I actually wasn't feeling that bad. Just sitting down watching a movie- then it happened. The movie was 'In Bruge' (one of my favorites) and the part was when they were in the hotel room with the French hookers and the racist dwarf. And what are they doing......lines of coke, of course. Before i even realized it, my finger were speeding across the cell phone buttons and an hour later i had an OC40 in my pocket.

The speed dial number for this particular gentleman has since been erased and a rather heated exchange this morning will, i'm certain, dissuade him from ever attempting to contact ME again. You may be asking yourself, much like I'VE been wondering all day, what is there to argue about when someone asks you to stop trying to sell to them? During the 'debate' with him this morning i kept thinking, 'does he WANT me to die?' His advice, believe it or not, was to 'only use on weekends and holidays'.

This arguement proves something to me, though. This man truly doesn't care about my family, my bank account, my health, my mental well being, my pride, my desires, my dreams, and ESPECIALLY my need to be free of this disease. Were I to fall before him, he'd step over my body to sell this junk to my own children if he could.

In any case, i realize that i've dissapointed myself and everyone here. I'm not out of this fight, though. I'll pick up and keep going. But, I have a question..........

My acute WD symptoms have never included the degree of physical ailments so common in others. I get a little sore and have a couple days of the runs but that's always been the whole of it....physically. I repay this gracious condition, however, with severe mental symptoms- FROM DAY 1. Depression blankets me from days 1 to 5 and persists in decreasing proportion for about another 10-15 days. Do you supposed that OC40 will land me back into the mental condition i was in on day1? That's a discouraging thought. Thanks for reading, everyone. I'm sorry.

[Ella789]

You are okay !!!!!!!!!!!!  hey, go on with your life and just don't fall for the phone call anymore.  You are doing really good.   Try not to be so hard on yourself, we are all human and are learning how this all works.  take care.

Ella

[dominosarah]

You havent disappointed anyone here......only yourself.  Try and not dwell on will this set me back to day 1.....Think positive and do something to make sure this doesnt happen again.  You learned a hard lesson just like we all have.  Depression is hard to handle during this but it does get better.  We have abused our bodies and it takes time to heal.  Get on some aminos or vitamins, get out and exercise and keep your mind busy.  Aftercare is vital to our recovery.  Good on you for letting him know just what you thought too.........You can do this!!!               sara

[googzy]

Don't worry !!! Just don't do it tomorrow, and the next day.... Serious, a speed bump and your in a big ok humvee, you'll never even feel it...