Aa
Day 9 and not so fine.
Please forgive the naked profile. I'm too frikkin' tired to come up with anything good right now.
Right. So. I've been pounding hydros, trams, gabapentin, and...wait for it...even loperamide down my gullet in various combos and quantities over the last four years. I'm a pill popper. If one works well, I'll take six. It's been a nightmare of hiding from my life until it had all but dissolved beneath my feet.
I've tried to quit. I've been hanging out here on the sidelines for ages and know the drill, but only ever bothered to try and ditch the meds when I ran out. The attempts have been different every time, but never completely honest until now. This time, I recognized that, at the rate I was going, I was going to kill myself, so I put myself in an inpatient detox last Saturday, with my last pill being the day before. I was released yesterday. From here, I go to outpatient PHP and will build a network of support and resources as I work toward getting straight in my body and head.
I have cut off all sources and been totally honest with my family and friends. There is nothing left but for me to move forward. I am on an anti-depressant and a sleep aid, and have some valium for emergencies, but my hubby strictly controls those so I don't end up having to come off benzos on top of everything else. Otherwise, I'm not eating much but I do eat regularly and mindfully, am taking supplements, drinking tons of water, and working toward small goals every day while trying to stay positive.
But today, I'm feeling really down. I'm still in withdrawal and will be for a while. I'm exhausted. I'm still in shame mode for having done this too myself, and feel no pride in being on the back end of day 9. What's up with that? I see people feeling so good for making it a day or a week or a month or a year, and they SHOULD. But me, I don't feel like I'm moving toward anything or that this is ever going to get better. I guess I thought I would feel better when I got home, but I don't. Everything aches, sleep *****, tummy troubles still, and all the rest. I guess I should be grateful, since the anxiety is at least under control, but if someone could remind me that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that sure would be groovy. Ta.
Right. So. I've been pounding hydros, trams, gabapentin, and...wait for it...even loperamide down my gullet in various combos and quantities over the last four years. I'm a pill popper. If one works well, I'll take six. It's been a nightmare of hiding from my life until it had all but dissolved beneath my feet.
I've tried to quit. I've been hanging out here on the sidelines for ages and know the drill, but only ever bothered to try and ditch the meds when I ran out. The attempts have been different every time, but never completely honest until now. This time, I recognized that, at the rate I was going, I was going to kill myself, so I put myself in an inpatient detox last Saturday, with my last pill being the day before. I was released yesterday. From here, I go to outpatient PHP and will build a network of support and resources as I work toward getting straight in my body and head.
I have cut off all sources and been totally honest with my family and friends. There is nothing left but for me to move forward. I am on an anti-depressant and a sleep aid, and have some valium for emergencies, but my hubby strictly controls those so I don't end up having to come off benzos on top of everything else. Otherwise, I'm not eating much but I do eat regularly and mindfully, am taking supplements, drinking tons of water, and working toward small goals every day while trying to stay positive.
But today, I'm feeling really down. I'm still in withdrawal and will be for a while. I'm exhausted. I'm still in shame mode for having done this too myself, and feel no pride in being on the back end of day 9. What's up with that? I see people feeling so good for making it a day or a week or a month or a year, and they SHOULD. But me, I don't feel like I'm moving toward anything or that this is ever going to get better. I guess I thought I would feel better when I got home, but I don't. Everything aches, sleep *****, tummy troubles still, and all the rest. I guess I should be grateful, since the anxiety is at least under control, but if someone could remind me that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that sure would be groovy. Ta.
You got it girl. Right and easy don't often go together in this particular scenario, especially at first. But once you've walked the recovery path for awhile it does come with more ease, and certainly comfort.
It is important that while you are doing this grueling work on yourself in aftercare that you make sure to treat yourself gently at home. I akin this with the way I got comfort as a child...In a good book, comfy soft bed, bubble bath, outside in the forest, snuggling with a loved one.
You need to nurture your inner child because she's had the sh*t kicked out of her and needs comfort.
I am very proud of you and rooting for you today.
Let us know how you make out.
Lu
It is important that while you are doing this grueling work on yourself in aftercare that you make sure to treat yourself gently at home. I akin this with the way I got comfort as a child...In a good book, comfy soft bed, bubble bath, outside in the forest, snuggling with a loved one.
You need to nurture your inner child because she's had the sh*t kicked out of her and needs comfort.
I am very proud of you and rooting for you today.
Let us know how you make out.
Lu
Just checking in. Today is actually Day 11, not 12 (I can't math). The three days since I've been home from inpatient have been grueling. The bod's holding up alright, but the brain is filled with gremlins, screaming for a fix.
I head to outpatient PHP today at 9am. It'll do me well to get out of the house and away from the stress and triggers I've been fighting.
I'm sorry I haven't been more active in supporting others up till now. I feel like I'm going through a second detox and it's making me hella crabby. I don't really want to open my mouth unless something positive is going to come out. But once I shake this off a bit more, you'll see me around.
For now, I just keep telling myself to make the right choice in the moment. Not the easy choice. Not the comforting choice. But the right one, the one that serves and sustains the things that are really important to me.
I head to outpatient PHP today at 9am. It'll do me well to get out of the house and away from the stress and triggers I've been fighting.
I'm sorry I haven't been more active in supporting others up till now. I feel like I'm going through a second detox and it's making me hella crabby. I don't really want to open my mouth unless something positive is going to come out. But once I shake this off a bit more, you'll see me around.
For now, I just keep telling myself to make the right choice in the moment. Not the easy choice. Not the comforting choice. But the right one, the one that serves and sustains the things that are really important to me.
DO NOT feel sorry for yourself! It's the absolute worst thing you can do right now. When we do this we talk ourselves into needing the pills. We come up with all kinds of reasons why it's a good idea and how we "deserve" to feel better. But that kind of thinking only gets you by for a small while. We keep pushing our goal further out of reach. You want this. I feel it in your words. Now dig deep, friend. The slow, sluggishness does hang on for a while. The B12, B6, and protein shakes were the items that helped me the most. It was around the 30 day mark when I noted a remarkable improvement in feeling strong again. Keep reminding yourself that the pills are POISON. Taking your life back from them is going to bring a positive shift in your life. So glad to hear that you cut off your sources and confided in those closest to you. You are making all the right move. You are on track. You are doing this. It's so pointless to go backward. Say something positive out loud every single day. When we start our mindset in a positive tone positive results will follow throughout the day. We experience everything with an entirely different perspective when we see the good that comes from the challenge. I applaud your honesty. It gives me courage to dig even deeper. Take our hands and let's keep going!
Hang tough girl. I'm approaching day 60 n still have good days n bad days. But my good days get better n better. I get the struggle, believe me. Lots of us have been where u r. You are not alone n many have been right where u r. Listen to them. Read n post often. You got this! You are doing this!
Sow a thought, reap an act.
Sow an act, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny.
The above works both ways, for good or for bad. Very proud of you for keeping that positive outcome in your mind. Keep up the good work!
Sow a thought, reap an act.
Sow an act, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny.
The above works both ways, for good or for bad. Very proud of you for keeping that positive outcome in your mind. Keep up the good work!
Congratulations for making it to day 11 you are doing good as far as saying NO MORE PILLS!! :-) :-) Just stay strong one day at a time!! Thing will get better. Good luck...
I have set myself up for success today. Hubby has ALL money, even my CVS Extra Bucks Rewards, as well as the car. I have no resources. My anxiety (and tummy! Boo.) is killing me, but I'm determined to muscle through. I will not falter.
I am fiending like a mofo this morning. My resolution is a mere whimper and I want to crawl in a hole and die.
I feel weak. I used to be this insanely confident creature, taking on any and everything with the delicious anticipation of life and all it had to offer.
Today, I just want to use and forget.
This is awful.
I feel weak. I used to be this insanely confident creature, taking on any and everything with the delicious anticipation of life and all it had to offer.
Today, I just want to use and forget.
This is awful.
I am moved by your post and it's honesty. I really dig the truth and after 3 years on this site I feel like I can spot the ones that will walk the path to recovery and live in their truth and I believe you are in this company.
Music, dancing, and dreaming were the first of the joyous gifts of the clean life that returned to me. My creative spirit and authentic self came back to life when I thought she was dead forever...This death had begun before I ever put a drug in my body and I learned this over and over again in aftercare and therapy.
Once clarity hits there is the shame, guilt, anger, and profound sadness that can hit you like a freight train....But there is also the undeniable glimmer of your highest self that whispers to you in the night to come and find them. I realized after about 6 months of clean time that the sky was the limit for me in terms of actualizing my dreams and living my authentic self. I am so happy I got addicted and lived that suffering because it has been my greatest lesson to date, and getting clean and walking the path of recovery has given me a confidence that NO ONE and NOTHING can take away from me. I wish this for you and believe 100% that it is possible.
Living truth is not always easy but it will ALWAYS lead you to the best things in life.
Keep on keeping on and I pinky swear promise that you will receive gifts that you could never even dream of.
The only thing we EVER have control over is the choices that we make.
We cannot change the past, nor can we predict the future, but we ALWAYS have a choice in the moment that we are living in.
This is freedom.
Welcome to the family and bless you on your journey to your beautiful new life.
Lu
Music, dancing, and dreaming were the first of the joyous gifts of the clean life that returned to me. My creative spirit and authentic self came back to life when I thought she was dead forever...This death had begun before I ever put a drug in my body and I learned this over and over again in aftercare and therapy.
Once clarity hits there is the shame, guilt, anger, and profound sadness that can hit you like a freight train....But there is also the undeniable glimmer of your highest self that whispers to you in the night to come and find them. I realized after about 6 months of clean time that the sky was the limit for me in terms of actualizing my dreams and living my authentic self. I am so happy I got addicted and lived that suffering because it has been my greatest lesson to date, and getting clean and walking the path of recovery has given me a confidence that NO ONE and NOTHING can take away from me. I wish this for you and believe 100% that it is possible.
Living truth is not always easy but it will ALWAYS lead you to the best things in life.
Keep on keeping on and I pinky swear promise that you will receive gifts that you could never even dream of.
The only thing we EVER have control over is the choices that we make.
We cannot change the past, nor can we predict the future, but we ALWAYS have a choice in the moment that we are living in.
This is freedom.
Welcome to the family and bless you on your journey to your beautiful new life.
Lu
How are we doing this evening? I've been thinking alot about you today...please check in :)
Great post & Huge Props to you on Day 10! :)
Gah! Don't go back..Can't go back! (You said it, my friend & keep saying it).
Your 'lurk' time has obviously paid off as you've absorbed the 'pith' of what's important. Well done, you! I won't repeat any of the excellent advice given above except to say that I agree w/ all of it. Learning to fill that hole left by 'seeking' & sitting without reaching during downtime like weekends will be your real challenge as it is for us all after we come out of acute w/d's.
What I will say, is keep those earbuds on & keep dancing. It really helps! :))
Glad to hear that you're dreaming again.
Hold Fast & Stay the Course!
We're here :)
Gah! Don't go back..Can't go back! (You said it, my friend & keep saying it).
Your 'lurk' time has obviously paid off as you've absorbed the 'pith' of what's important. Well done, you! I won't repeat any of the excellent advice given above except to say that I agree w/ all of it. Learning to fill that hole left by 'seeking' & sitting without reaching during downtime like weekends will be your real challenge as it is for us all after we come out of acute w/d's.
What I will say, is keep those earbuds on & keep dancing. It really helps! :))
Glad to hear that you're dreaming again.
Hold Fast & Stay the Course!
We're here :)
Thanks for the boost, everyone. I think the weekends are going to be hardest for a bit because a) I'm surrounded by many of the triggers that make me want to use and b) holy toledo but isn't there a ton more time in the day when I'm not seeking. Normally, this would be a win, but when the brain is all wonky and doesn't know what to do next, time is cruel and motivation is nowhere to be found.
I'm listening to a lot of music. Actually found myself dancing last night. It felt good. And I've begun dreaming again.
One foot in front of the other. Toward the end of my using, there was nothing that even made me feel functional anymore, never mind high. I was tired all of the time, sad, listless. Guh. Can't go back. Can. Not. Go. Back.
Roll on, Day 10.
I'm listening to a lot of music. Actually found myself dancing last night. It felt good. And I've begun dreaming again.
One foot in front of the other. Toward the end of my using, there was nothing that even made me feel functional anymore, never mind high. I was tired all of the time, sad, listless. Guh. Can't go back. Can. Not. Go. Back.
Roll on, Day 10.
Thank you for sharing your story. We are all on the same crazy ride...your about to find yourself at the end...its a little longer of a ride than we expect.
I'm with you on feeling pretty underwhelmed in accomplishment in week 3. Its hard to have a great sense of anything but shame that your in this place in the first place...i remember someone telling me day one of my detox, after I risked everything...freedom, career, children...for a damn pill!!! ( I still have a difficult time admitting all that ) she said " addiction doesn't discriminate..it gets the best people, smart, rich, poor it doesn't matter. Its coming to realize that it doesn't have to define who you are. " your an addict yes, but your also so many other more beautiful things" let those come out and be the first things you think of in the morning, instead of that pill you want. Slowly it will happen. Day nine is nine days you've taken back! Nine days you've explored what's in your mind and your heart without a mask on it. Its not a magical number, I'm not sure what is, as I have yet to reach it. But everyday you feel a little more than before...and soon you will truly smile again. Your heart will be full again. You will feel a great deal of accomplishment on that day...and I hope that day comes really soon for us all. Don't give up... We all need to get there, the magical number :)
I'm with you on feeling pretty underwhelmed in accomplishment in week 3. Its hard to have a great sense of anything but shame that your in this place in the first place...i remember someone telling me day one of my detox, after I risked everything...freedom, career, children...for a damn pill!!! ( I still have a difficult time admitting all that ) she said " addiction doesn't discriminate..it gets the best people, smart, rich, poor it doesn't matter. Its coming to realize that it doesn't have to define who you are. " your an addict yes, but your also so many other more beautiful things" let those come out and be the first things you think of in the morning, instead of that pill you want. Slowly it will happen. Day nine is nine days you've taken back! Nine days you've explored what's in your mind and your heart without a mask on it. Its not a magical number, I'm not sure what is, as I have yet to reach it. But everyday you feel a little more than before...and soon you will truly smile again. Your heart will be full again. You will feel a great deal of accomplishment on that day...and I hope that day comes really soon for us all. Don't give up... We all need to get there, the magical number :)
Hi...good to see you post I lurked for a wile until I finely posted but what a realeaf finely some people that understood what I was going threw where here for support... I was on methadone when I got here spent some serious time on it (7yrs) so my detox was ruff and recovery slow after all is said and done it was around 90 days that I thought it might get better...no to detoxes are the same what bothers one doesent effect others you just got to ride it out and know mater what dont use the desire to get clean must exceed the desire to get high for this to work this is 1/3 phyical and 2/3 mental so be ready to fight it out on both fronts I have said this a million times ''but you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile'' this will not kill you but it will make you wish you where dead each time we go threw this it is worst and worst I started to go to N/A meetings at first here and there my disease did not like them but for the first time I told the people there and dident get that deer in the headlight stare normies just dont get it ''why dont you just quit'' it is not that ez but the only way to do this wrong is trying to do it alone N/a has changed my life and today im am blessed abundantly an I ow it all to N/A it will change the very way you think your best thinking got you here I think this progam will work for any body who is honest about them selfs one addict helping another is without parallel you need human interaction this is a disease and you need to treat it like one google N/A meetings in your area keep posting for support we all want to see you make it take a hot soak with Epsom salt and just soak if you got anxiety try ''lemon balm'' a dropper full in a cup of Camella tea in 1/2 hour you will feel the difference just know it is so so worth it life is worth living clean there is so much beauty we block out will in active addiction your new life will be amazing it is up to you to do the next right thing
..........................................Gnarly......................................
..........................................Gnarly......................................
That's right. Sounds cliche, but give it time. 4 years of using lends for a decent length of detox. You didn't get sick overnight and you will not get better overnight either. Paying the piper is no fun, but I promise, it will get better. You are doing the right thing getting support and reaching out...keep moving forward and don't look back. You are a success story waiting to happen! Actually, you've already had some!
Wow! I'm impressed and I don't impress easily. You basically know how it goes....what we took years to wreck in our bodies...well it won't fix itself in a week or two. That's why aftercare is so important...because otherwise we fall down the rabbit hole (which isn't a good idea).
When I can't go to church or to a meeting I try to come here, read some posts, try to help others. This MH family is so wonderful for that...for support when needed, sometimes a laugh when needed and sometimes a shoulder to cry on.
Hope to talk to you again!
When I can't go to church or to a meeting I try to come here, read some posts, try to help others. This MH family is so wonderful for that...for support when needed, sometimes a laugh when needed and sometimes a shoulder to cry on.
Hope to talk to you again!
I have been on here for a while and this was one of the BEST Post I have seen in awhile..You do know the drill and are doing your best at it..Just know that this is a Brain Disease it is not are fault. Yes, we took the first but did we know..Heck no we did not choose to be a Addict. If you would like, go into my Journal when you are up to it, and catch the 'Nature of Addiction" and "Addiction and the Pleasure pathway beyond Willpower" We also go through a Grieving stage too.
This month I will have 2 yrs and i do not usually say how long it took me to come back..BUT I came off of using and drinking off & on recreational for over forty years. The last 12 was the Methadone I was snorting with a drug and using a benzo to come down..Well it took me 6 months of different stages to feel OK physically and almost 2 years to come back mentally..The Head Dr said it would take this long for me to balance back due to the long drug use and age.This will not be you.. BUT you have to just give this TIME and with TIME comes Patience..YOU will BALANCE out up stairs in the brain and then the body will feel really good. The physical will come first but then when the mental heals the body feels even better..Like no false singles to the body anymore. I do wish you all the Luck and your Time is just around the corner..Hang on to that Surf Board and ride!!! You will be walking on the Beach in the Sand soon enough.
Bless
This month I will have 2 yrs and i do not usually say how long it took me to come back..BUT I came off of using and drinking off & on recreational for over forty years. The last 12 was the Methadone I was snorting with a drug and using a benzo to come down..Well it took me 6 months of different stages to feel OK physically and almost 2 years to come back mentally..The Head Dr said it would take this long for me to balance back due to the long drug use and age.This will not be you.. BUT you have to just give this TIME and with TIME comes Patience..YOU will BALANCE out up stairs in the brain and then the body will feel really good. The physical will come first but then when the mental heals the body feels even better..Like no false singles to the body anymore. I do wish you all the Luck and your Time is just around the corner..Hang on to that Surf Board and ride!!! You will be walking on the Beach in the Sand soon enough.
Bless
I'm so sorry u feel like that..I'm not so much help as I to am on detox/recovery. .I am on day 6 of detox and I can't sleep good or have no energy but I do take multivitamins every morning today I just read that I should try and but vitamin b12 that that helps with the energy. ...I know u went there ur inpatient care but why don't u look up the Thomas Recipe not to do it again but maybe so u could by the vitamin supplements that it asks for I'm not gona lie I don't always take the vitamins because my tummy is still not so great either but what I do do and try to do twice a day every day is to take a hot bath ( the hottest the better or at lest what u can handle) and add lots of Epsom salt. .I add a lot and try to stay in the bath at lest 15-20min when possible (I have two kids boy 5 and girl 3 so that cuts down on my bath time) but I mean try it and see what happens like i said I might not be as much help since this is only day 6 for me but I don't feel that bad and I'm happy to count every single day that passes....I was taking tramadol for almost 3 years I was first on very low doses then went up to even taking 10-12(50mg) pills a day and finally i said enough is enough and here I am day 6 and no pills so just hang in there I know people r different and it might just take u a lil longer to felling better...I know a lot of people here are gona to tell u to start the meeting as soon as u possible can...I'm on checking on that as well for me....so maybe u should do....well I know this might not been what ur looking for but I'm pretty sure someone with a lot more experience will come along...read other forums on here that's what I do when I wait for responses. .good luck to u and may god bless u always.
Hey! Good post...very thorough and honest.
I wish it was in my power to put up a banner that says: "Don't expect to feel better right away!" There is this expectation that once the pills are gone, yay, we're FINE! Ha ha. Like you wrote, you ARE still detoxing...remember that. You have got to be patient. When I got my 30 day chip, I said "So what?" I felt angry, lost, confused. Same w/ 60 days. I'm almost at 90 days and guess what? I feel a bit more sane but I STILL have to face all the mess I made while using: it's called real life. But, lots of people at meetings say that at the beginning they felt angry, sad and crazy and it took a while to feel sane.
So at 9 days, girl please! Go easy on yourself. You did years of damage right? It's gonna take time to feel better. You are doing everything you are supposed to do so you are doing the best you can do. And that is enough:)
I wish it was in my power to put up a banner that says: "Don't expect to feel better right away!" There is this expectation that once the pills are gone, yay, we're FINE! Ha ha. Like you wrote, you ARE still detoxing...remember that. You have got to be patient. When I got my 30 day chip, I said "So what?" I felt angry, lost, confused. Same w/ 60 days. I'm almost at 90 days and guess what? I feel a bit more sane but I STILL have to face all the mess I made while using: it's called real life. But, lots of people at meetings say that at the beginning they felt angry, sad and crazy and it took a while to feel sane.
So at 9 days, girl please! Go easy on yourself. You did years of damage right? It's gonna take time to feel better. You are doing everything you are supposed to do so you are doing the best you can do. And that is enough:)
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