Day Five - Alright, this is getting better

[jp2001]

Hello everyone
For the past ten years, I have taken vicodin.  At the beginning, it started as wisdom tooth medication, and then a family member of mine got a seemingly unlimited supply.  It got a bit recreational/habitual at that point.  For years, it was pretty under control.  I'd take maybe two a night, three or four on a weekend at the /most/.  I'd have no problem going days without, even though I definitely would rather not have.

About eight months ago, I started using them as stress management.  Stress occured at work, so I made the mistake of starting to take them right away in the morning.  That led to wanting another on a comedown in the afternoon.  Then, for the recreational angle on weekends, suddenly I had to take two right away in the morning to get the high.  Suddenly, taking one just made me feel normal.  

I kept that going, and suddenly I was taking 10-12 a day.  If I took few less, that just meant that I didn't have any.  I'd then take the train out to the burbs to my familys house, and pick up another 30 or so.  Two days later, rinse and repeat.  

I have an amazingly supportive, nonjudgmental wife who has gently asked me to quit a few times.  You probably know this story, but I had a lot of excuses.  I'd go for a weekend date, but then say "I don't want to sit around the apartment all day with nothing".  I'd be out on a Tuesday morning and tell my wife "That's it then, I'll quit".  Maybe I'd  get through that night, very very awake.  Work then induced some unbelievable stress, my condition not helping at all, and I'd head out to the burbs to pick up another 30.  "Not yet, its too stressful right now"  My wife always kissed me and smiled and said she knew I'd get there.

We finally picked a 3 day weekend(Thank you MLK) and decided the only way to go was to do it cold turkey, and deal with the days of pain.

We got through days 1 and most of day 2, and I was so tired, and so crawling.  I found this site right at that time, and can't explain what that did for me.  I am able to talk to my wife, but here, all of you know exactly what I'm feeling, and I know how you are feeling.  Suddenly, we're all feeling a little better, and here's all the info I could ask for about what I can do to give me a better chance.

I got to the GNC in time to pick up some ingredients to the Thomas Recipe on night 2.  I still didn't sleep much, but I slept just a /little/ better.  We started hitting up the hot tub in our building, and wow.  Much better.  

Day 3 was just a bit better.  I was taking the recipe, and for the first time, my hope outweighed the crushing, biting, nagging thought of "I have no vicodin today".  My wife kept on telling me so often how much she appreciated what I was doing, bringing me fluids, protein bars, restful leg meds, massaging my legs, prompting me to smoke a little weed.  I know folks...I'm so lucky.

Day 4 was the return to work, and I felt human enough to pull through it.  I went to the doctor in the afternoon(having scheduled it on Friday), and talked to her about this.  She gave me wellbutrin to stop smoking and help with the anxiety that is still there.  

Last night, I slept for about three straight hours.  Its not good, by a normal standard, but to me, it's that it's /better/.  That is all I can ask for.

I am so lucky.  I have an amazing wife who gently pulled me out of a downward spiral that was rapidly getting out of hand.  Not everyone is able to get out that early.  

I am full of hope(and vitamins/supplements).  I want all of you to know that I am grateful for all of your words.  Though at the time they weren't directed at me, they reached me just when I needed them.

Thanks isn't a strong enough word for it folks.  

[Calamity2]

Thats great jp !  congrats on day 5 !!  I always say day 4 was my worst day. Keep posting !  We all appreciate you too !

[jp2001]

freedom007 - I do realize it, and wish I could pass the love from my wife around!  I have shown her the many posts, including yours, where folks aren't as lucky, and told her how much I appreciate and need her love and support.  I hope you have someone you can lean on, and if not, please lean on us!  We can all get through this.

I am on day two of wellbutrin, so I'm not quit yet.  I'm not even cutting down yet, but that'll change in a couple weeks when the wellbutrin makes the cigs taste like trash.  The doc said that the antidepressant side of wellbutrin will help me with my recovery too, and so far it seems to have helped.  The doc was even nice enough to put my doc visit down as "smoking cessation" instead of the real subject of my visit on the insurance forms.  I'm also smoking a bit of some good weed...and honestly, thats something that I don't think I'll ever stop.  

I'll take a look at after care, thanks for the heads up.  I can see how there will be a bit of letdown from my current surge of hope and good feelings.

To moonshyne - The same as you folks have been here for me on my rough days, we'll be here for you on Monday and after that.  You...WE...can do this, and will do this.

Everyone, I really appreciate your support!  Keep strong, and know that things will get better.  

[moonshyne777]

Congratulations!! I am quitting Monday and to read that it does indeed get better is reassuring. Your wife sounds like a very special lady. You are truly blessed to have such an understanding partner. Have you thought about aftercare? Thats one thing I failed to do last time and I think it would have made a difference. And I agree with the above poster, you do have a wonderful energy and I hope you keep posting. Way to go!! You should be really proud of yourself. God bless.

[sweatinit]

Wow...I want to be just like your wife...lol. She sounds fantastic. I can tell you adore her just by the picture you've painted for us.
Congrats on your clean time. That is amazing! Dont let the stress at work get to ya. Also lots of old timers on here talk about aftercare. Apparently after so many days of being clean and our self confidence is stronger than ever, there must be some sort of let down. I have seen an addiction counslor twice now and am thinking about NA. Keep this going and stay strong. Keep posting too. We want to hear about your progress.
PS Did you actually quit smoking? That's been on  my mind since day 4 or 5. Im on day 18 and still smoking. Fear keeps me there.

[dedicatedtostop]

Congrats to you on day 5, your almost through the worst of it and you are doing great!!! I love your positive energy, it goes a long way. Stay strong and I know you can do this!! It gets better everyday.

[freedom007]

yeah ur lucky...I got a big fat cold shoulder from my wife and had to do it alone.  Please realize this...