Day Nine....Feelin ****** and Have Money Coming In!

[Ali1226172]

Hey everyone....I need some strength right about now!! It's day nine, and I'm still waiting to feel good again!! I know i'm probably being inpatient but, I am sick of living like I am not alive.  Anyhow I get paid tonight, and am worried i'm gonna spend it were I shouldn't... I feel like I have this in control now, and I really want to have a little fun this weekend!! Ahh dam demons keep taunting me.... maybe I should invest in a suboxone to stop these cravings?? I feel alright physically n mentally this time around but, the cravings are morning day and night non stop!! I just keep thinking about how much better everything would be if I had a pill... I know it's sick! I need ur help guys, I'm so great at giving out advice but, I tend to forget about myself!! I want to beat this, but I also want to be happy and I feel I can only be happy with a pill everynow and than! I wont go back to daily use no matter what but, maybe I'm not ready to end it once and for all! I wanttt to be ready so why aren't I??? Why is it that all I think of is getting high every second of the dam day!!??

[mr.lucky66]

I hope you can get through this cravings but you need to know one thing, Sub does not cut cravings it just covers them up. That may not be a bad thing (harm reduction or replacement therapy)  but just know there is always a price to pay.

[BornofOsiris]

Dear Ali,
My name is Dallas by the way =D, I am doing great im on my week anniversary and im feeling great. You know when i first started getting clean i was 2 days in and relapsed...I had the same feeling, not that high and f***ing pissed about it. Now i use that for motivation to keep me moving on and staying strong....You should seek a counselour, you seem you really need someone right now to talk to someone new someone who is a profesional and knows that they are doing.

You can do this i know you can...you are so strong to keep on trying and not to give up, everyone makes mistakes, its only human. Keep posting i am enjoying talking to you, we can keep each other going when the times get rough =D and i hope your sister gets well she will be in my thoughts.

PS
This WILL NOT last...This CANNOT last....

[Ali1226172]

Ps... i'm not blaming her for my problem cause I am the only one to blame, I just meant that her situation has destroyed me mentally and I feel really weak...

[Ali1226172]

Thanks Born, how are u doing btw?? I'm trying not to get too down about the slip up, at least now I know I can do it- nine days was my longest run yet....I know i'll stop when I am ready but I'll have to get there on my own.  I'm making efforts to find better things in life, and am making a list of all the things I can have if I stop (stupid ****, like cloths, a tattoo i've been dieing to get, cds, etc).  I figure that I'll get sick of this soon and want to stop (I HOPE).  When I slipped it was so different than any other time....it didn't even give me the usual "happy high", instead I just felt numb and mad at myself.  I guess we have to go through these things until we finally get "sick and tired of being SICK N TIRED"!  I'm getting there for sure, but I'm still trying to work out the reasons for why I still feel I need the pills to function.  My family member who is sick is my sister...she had a massive relapse with meth and heroin and I just fell apart! I feel like when she is not well I am not well..... I'm going to meetings for NA and alanon to help me deal with this because I have literally let her disease become my disease (based on the fact that I can't cope with the lose of her from my life)! It just ***** all around...how is your sister?  I rememeber you said she was a meth addict?? Is she still using, and we you two close?? For me my sister is the main reason I am the way I am....i'm just in a lot of pain over it all..

[BornofOsiris]

Dear Ali,

Im sorry to hear about this, i hope your family member its better....your doing a good thing by going to a metting....my first one ever was last night, i got about 20 numbers of people i could call and talk or w.e, theres some very good people in those meetings.

Stay strong, were here for you, i send my thoughts your way

PS
This WILL NOT last...This CANNOT last...

[Ali1226172]

Hey all.. sorry for being MIA- I had to go outta state because a family member is very very sick :( !! I'm not handeling it too great and had a little slip up....but I am back on track now.  I'm going to a meeting later today and def need some support everyone!  I'm real depressed about this, I felt like I was doing so good and than my heart just broke into pieces and I caved....I know I will pick myself back up but I can't find the strength to stay sober... its really bad :(

[BornofOsiris]

Doesnt it feel good to actually be able to have money now instead of spending it on pills?? I can say it feels pretty good...good to see your keeping strong and sticken to this, you can do this, just keep posting, we all can help each other in one way or the other....

PS
This WILL NOT last....This CANNOT last...

[Ali1226172]

Thanks babyboo...I'm still staying strong i'm going on day 11 as we enter the wee hours of the night here lol.  You know what I  use to do when I was "high" id go shopping with my zero dollors just to try to get motivation to stop spending money on pills!!  I'd try on things I liked, or look at a CD i've been dying to get and thats what helps me realize I need to stop...  and last week i'm proud to say I bought myself a CD and a pair of jeans :)  Right now its easiest for me to spend money as soon as I get it cuz money is a big trigger for me..  But I think realizing your triggers and what not is all apart of this lovely process of recovery! I'll tell you one thing I wont ever give up this fight no matter how many bumps I hit along the way, it's all a learning process that will continue to give me the strenght I need to end this once and for all!!

Thanks for the positive lift :) U stay strong too!

[babyboo2121]

I know we all go through distorted thoughts..."I just keep thinking about how much better everything would be if I had a pill." ...and as addicts we aren't use to seeing the postive.
Your post caught my eye because I saw "Nine Days" and I thought, Awesome, it gave me hope. We all need to practice self-talk and changing those distorted thoughts.

You have 9 days clean, you have support of others (us), your're smarter than most...you're here being active about your 'demons', you have a chance to save your  money (save for a big goal, like a new TV or a trip somewhere) or spend your money on yourself in a new/healthy way (buy yourself some new clothes/take yourself to do a manny/petty, go to Barnes & Noble and buy yourself a new book, "Changing distorted Thoughts...just an idea).  Make a list of things that the healthy you would consider "FUN".....I know you can do it!   You've gotten this far.  :::Standing up and Doing the happy dance for you:::

Stay strong and stop those thoughts, you have better ones.

[BornofOsiris]

thats good try to get as much rest as you can, surely but slowly you will be able to sleep. just keep strong, drink tons of water and just remember your not alone =D

PS
This WILL NOT last.....This CANNOT last.....

[Ali1226172]

yeah I'm just a little older than you...no relapse yet, but i'm hanging by a thread! I'm gonna take a nap cuz I got ZERO hours of sleep!! Keep in touch..

[BornofOsiris]

im 20 years old turn 21 in april....i hope you didnt relapse i seen your other post its been about 4 days now for me....keep your hopes up and keep trying girly you have it in you!!! =D

[Ali1226172]

Ya mind me asking how old u are born?  I think i'm one of the younger ones on here..

[BornofOsiris]

metal is the shizz KSE, PTH <3 try anything you think will work, stay strong keep me posted day by day, keep each other strong

[Ali1226172]

Yeah i love to write and am in love with music manly metal and rock so i'd def love to get back to writting again to get rid of some of these demons- I can't remember the last time I wrote...

Maybe i'll try the excersise thing too but right now I can hardly move lol
Thanks buddy- keep in touch, u stay strong too

[BornofOsiris]

its alright, my sister was a meth head too, i didnt want to break my parents hearts neither, it takes a very courageous effort to tell someone and prolly the biggest part to the solution, i hope you really think about telling someone, it helps the most.just keep strong...i know you can do it =D try getting a new hobbie, maybe invest into something, my main thing is playing my bass and writing music helps bring some demons out of your head and puts them on the paper so i wont think of them anymore! also exercise is very good to i ride my bike whenever i cant hold the urge to go get a pill, i just peddle harder harder and harder till i so worn out i can hardly walk this also helps getting some sleep

[Ali1226172]

I would tell my parents but I don't want to break their hearts anymore than they are...my sister is a heroin addict and has completely crushed my family!! My biggest motivation comes from that...not wanting to hurt them! I'm just a mess- I wish I could be strong like all you guys but honestly the last nine days have been hell...I don't leave my room unless I have to pee or get something to eat than I just sleep and drag myself to work when I have to and than back into my depressing dark hole of a rooom!!  I have a really bad relationship with my mom and If she knew I'd be on the street in the matter of seconds cuz she wont deal "with another drug addict daughter".


Anyways- I hope u guys stay with me and keep supporting me cuz u are my strength right now!! I'm going out to get a suboxone to help with the cravings and spending the rest of the money on food,gas and other normal things I need...anything else will go in savings for school- I start in a week and half, i'm wicked nervous!! Uhh I hope I kick this before than..

[BornofOsiris]

also to help cope with some of the withdrawl, i might get some **** for this but i smoked weed to help my stomach pains and it worked miracles for me and i also used velarien(not sure how its spelled) w/ "skullkaps" this is a natural herb and root that helps relax your muscles and with the anxiety and ignsomnia(not sure neither haha) i may only be on day 3 but i feel like im on day5, o and i also am using a detox kit to help get all the nasty chemichals out of my system, also will give you less days of withdrawl

[BornofOsiris]

i was in the same boat as you, using about 2 years and hid my addiction from everyone, friends, family, girlfriend, nobody knew....But right now im on day 3 i should be on day 5 but i relapsed for one use but nevermind that, my best advice to you is to tell someone who is very close to you, my suggestion is your parents. I never wanted to tell my parents but i know that if im going to get healthy and clean i need someone to talk to and help me through the pains, and i very much so recomend this YOU NEED AS MUCH SUPPORT AS YOU CAN, i emphasize this the most. Also whoever you can get pills from if its someone you know, or a good friend you need to isolate yourself away from them and tell them that you do not want pills no more and to never offer, bring around, use or even show you any pills at all. And the thing with the money about giving it to someone you trust is also another VERY important step to recovery. For me my father makes me bring my checks straight home from work, he goes with me to cash it, he gets all of the money and only gives me gas money, bill money (which he has to be with me when i pay) and if i ever want to go out with some buddies i need a third party to confirm what i am doing and i need recepits!!!. I was very lucky to have such a careing family. I wish you the most luck in the world and remember that its all mental aspects, keep yourself busy, only suround yourself with ones you love and trust, but most of all believe in yourself, this cannot last, this WILL NOT last......

[Cassie415]

Another thing, as wanttobeclean was saying, I stopped for about 2 weeks, I think 17 days to be exact, and then my mom went out of town and I was like well, I've just got to do it once since I have the house all to myself and I have stopped for 17 days so i'm sure i'll be just fine (stupid i know). Anyways I did it "just once" and that lasted for another 2 1/2 weeks. It took another 2 1/2 weeks to decide to stop again, I just completely lost all desire to stop. And my tolerance increased way faster during that relapse and eventually the oc made me so sick that I felt as if I was detoxing while on oc. Basically, what i've found in my own experiences, is that i'll be doing really well and then i'll have a craving and if I give in, it is so hard to get back up right away because all I can think about is doing oc and it puts me right back in that mindset of using. But if you fight through the craving and make it you feel so much better about yourself and continue on being sober. Each day gets better. Let us know how you're doing

[Cissy373]

Trust me if you take one, then you will want two...........I for from expierence as I get my refill thinking this month I will control this, but I NEVER do.............the pills control me.

Good luck and congrats on your 9 days clean and stay that way.

Cissy

[wanttobeclean]

PS...When you get the money...freeze whatever you don't need for the essentials (food, gas)..  Seriously...wet it and freeze it in small amounts.  Takes a while to thaw it and let it dry.  It might help a bit in those momentary throws of a craving!

[wanttobeclean]

Congratulations on 9 days.  Do whatever you have to do to get away from the situation.  I am totaly serious.  Please don't cave to the cravings.  There's some good suggestions on the health pages for dealing with cravings.  Dark chocolate and distraction worked for me.    I got myself involved in projects and cleaning.  Exercised.  Went to a public place...like a bookstore and immersed myself in a good magazine or book.  Now is absolutely the time to stop.  I was in your shoes.  And I didn't. About 3 months before I quit for good, I stopped for a little over a week.  And then listened to the exact same demons that are talking to you.  "Just one or two won't hurt"  You've got this under control".  So I listened to those demons And I regret that decision tremendously. Withing 2 weeks I was up to double the amount I was using when I stopped the first time. When I finally did decide to quit, it was physically much harder.  But with a solid committment and great advice from here, I did it.  The drugs lie to you.  DON'T LISTEN!

[Cassie415]

Hey,
I hope you don;t spend your money on it and stay strong. That feeling of thinking you have it under control now is not real. I understand and have thought that many times but the second you try to do it just once you'll be right back where you were before.  Also, this battle you are having within your head never leads to anything good. Any time I start thinking about this and going back and forth in my head, the addict side always comes out winner. You've got to try to distract yourself, do something else, not think about it. Remember all the reasons you wanted to stop. I hope the best for you and congrats on your 9 days!!!